Category: Threesome Memoirs

Everything threesome related that we have been through or written about.  From advice to actual stories of our experiences.

November 18, 2013

Threesome Memoirs: The DOs and DON’Ts of A Threesome

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Threesome ArtBy no means are we the official source for threesomes and all it’s rules, so please, do not take this article the wrong way.  We dictated our conversation to be funny, more than anything else.   Some of these DOs and DON’Ts may be for the couple, the others may be for the third partner preparing to hop in bed with the couple.  We may add things later.  Either way, enjoy:

Venice: Okay Ryan, so do you want to start?
Ryan: Oh, I don’t have much to say…
Venice: …
Ryan: What?
Venice: Okay Ryan, so do you want to start?
Ryan: Well, I’m a bit too passive for this type of…
Venice: Stop, shutup, stop, shutup, stop.
Ryan: …
Venice: Okay Ryan, so do you want to start?
Ryan:  Ladies, please wash your vaginas.  Why I have to even say this is beyond me, but trust me, this has to be said.  I do not care if your ex-boyfriends never complained or thought you smelled great after a long day of work and a nightly jog, I don’t.  I’m  not yo….
Venice:  … I don’t either.
Ryan: We’re not your boyfriend.  Think of your threesome as Prom Night okay?  Prepare.  In fact, take a long bath with Epsom salts and seriously, do a few bathtub angels…
Venice: Oh my god Ryan?  Bathtub angels?  Are you making things up on the spot right now?
Ryan:  Listen, think of laying in the bathtub like you would lay in the snow.  Now, make mini snow angels in your bathtub.  I’m not so much concerned about your arms here as I am about your thighs and legs.   Open, close, open, close.
Venice: Get a nice little vortex of water swishing around there ladies.
Ryan: Yes, I want you to imagine that two little ants are riding a river raft around your crotch area on the surface of your bath water…
Venice: Think about Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn here ladies…
Ryan: Yes, just imagine a little wood raft and two little ants riding around your bath water.  Your legs should be opening and closing enough to turn that calm water  into the rapids.  Create enough chaos to knock those little ants off the raft.
Venice: We need to create a lot of water movement here in this area
 <Venice hand gestures and circles around her vagina area.>
Ryan: Don’t worry about those imaginary ants drowning, they will be fine.  Just concentrate on your bathtub angels.
Venice:  You should look like you are  doing horizontal jumping jacks underneath the water.
Ryan:  Exactly.    Think horizontal jumping jacks in a bathtub filled with Epsom salt.
Venice: To be fair though, I’d like to see the men also do some bathtub angels themselves.  Don’t be bashful fellas, get your legs moving and let the water flow between your balls.
Ryan: Okay, I can see that.  Men, you know, your balls aren’t potpourri puffs.  A few mini bathtub angels for everyone involved in the threesome,  is an absolute DO on our list.  Okay?
Venice: Got it.
Ryan: Wait, wait, was that offensive though?  I don’t really want to…
Venice: Just stop now, before you backpedal your way into something that actually is offensive.
Ryan: I’m just saying, a few bathtub angels a day… keeps the douche bag away.
Venice: Please stop.
Ryan: …
Venice: So I guess my role with this article will be to keep things flowing smoothly.  I’m afraid Ryan would talk about these bathtub angels all article so I will try to keep him focused and the blog moving.  After we are done, I will put together a list…
Ryan:  …are you done Ryan Seacrest?
Venice: You’re so annoying it’s cute.  Okay, so what else?
Ryan: Listen ladies, and yes this is directed at the ladies.  First, I’m sorry I targeted your vaginas as my first issue with a threesome.  I just feel like maybe you get a little too comfortable and think every man loves your vagina the same.   So the bathtub angels seriously can change your life…
Venice: Enough already with the fucking bathtub angels…
Ryan: …
Venice:  Anything else?
Ryan: Did you really have to call them fucking bathtub angels?
Venice: Anything else?
Ryan: Yes, I do have more to talk about Venice Seacrest.  I didn’t realize I was under time limitations here.
Venice: Tick tock.
Ryan: Like I said, ladies, I am focusing on you because I don’t sit here and fantasize about men during a threesome.  Sorry, that’s just not my thing.  My do’s and don’t’s are for the ladies.
Venice: Okay, thanks for clearing that up Ryan.  Let’s just only offend the ladies, when that’s all were looking for.  Great.
Ryan: Anyway, for the last few years I have been teased by Venice, whether it be a few videos or photos, of two women sharing a cock.
Venice: Yesssss.
Ryan: It’s a simple image but this is something that has been so built up in my head for years now.  If I am engaged in a threesome and I hear my wife talking to another woman, “Yea hold his cock while I suck it,” I want to look down and see the greatest image imaginable.
Venice: Yea, that’s a hot visual for sure.
Ryan: If I look down and it looks like a mechanic’s hands, you know, black grease under your fingernails like you have been out in a body shop all day or you have been eating Oreo cookies wrong, I couldn’t be turned off more.  You just turned my biggest fantasy into a visual oil change.  For the love of God, clean or clip your nails, paint them, do something sexy so the man can look down and enjoy the moment.
Venice: Ugh, this absolutely goes for men too.  I don’t want to ever see Ryan’s dirty fingernails while he is rubbing me down.  Most of these rules are across the board here.  The last thing we want, as women, is our man’s nails dirty.  We know you work, we know you bust your asses for us, but don’t quit busting your ass when you hit the time clock. Come home and bust your ass washing underneath your nails.
Ryan: Good point.  Like I said, I cannot stress this enough, Prom Night.  This should be a big moment for everyone involved.  Preparation is a must.   If you are that comfortable having a threesome that you go out without your nails done, without your vagina washed, and you’re wearing some old cotton panties, then you seriously need to look at your life and make some changes.  I’m not trying to be judgmental, but seriously, you shouldn’t be THAT comfortable having a threesome.
Venice: So you’re saying that a woman should also buy some nice lingerie?
Ryan: Absolutely.  Maybe even something she has never worn before.  Make your moments special.  I mean, I hated the first day of school but I always loved wearing my new shoes and outfits.  It at least made the day special.  The threesome may suck, but not because you didn’t feel sexy.   If you feel and look sexy, you’ll be sexy.  Plus, I don’t really want a strange woman sitting on my face with a pair of lingerie she decided she didn’t have to wash, because she only wore them one other time for 15 minutes, when she sat on her ex-boyfriends face prior to him taking them off.
Venice: Oh God Ryan, you are too much.  So basically, we lost our last reader with that visual.
Ryan: People really read our stuff?  Cool.  I thought we were saving these blogs for our grandkids one day.  Listen little Suzy, you’ve been a great grandchild, but change your panties.  Okay?
Venice: …
Ryan: …
Venice: …
Ryan: What?  I’m just saying, new lingerie is good.
Venice:  No, you weren’t just saying that.  None the less, I agree, I want to have a new bra, new panties, and even a new shirt or something when I meet with a woman I am interested in.  I want to be totally shaved, bathed, and even put lotions on my tummy and inner thighs to make sure not just my vagina is ready, but no matter which path she takes, she enjoys her trip.
Ryan: Lotions ladies.  This is a good thing.  This one, may not be an across the board though.  Venice gets upset when I put cocoa butter on my penis or bal…
Venice: …because I don’t want you to smell like cocoa butter.   I love you shaved, I love a well groomed man, for sure.  What I don’t love, is going down on my man and he smells better than me.  No.  There are some things I want natural.  I want to suck your dick and rub on your balls, and imagine this is what it would be like if I was sucking Tarzan’s dick.  I don’t want lotion, cologne, or any other smell interfering with my experience.  I know, it sounds dumb, but some things are just better natural.
Ryan: I like cocoa butter though…
Venice: Well, sorry, I don’t want to lick your balls and accidently bite into them because they remind me of my favorite Christmas cookie Ryan.
Ryan: Yea, we don’t want that.
Venice: I bet you don’t.
Ryan: …
Ryan: So, as she was saying, ladies, lotion is a good thing.  Men, not so much.
Venice: No offense, but when I go down on a lady, I do not want to smell Ms. Tarzan.  My entire attraction to women is knowing they take care of themselves the same way I do.  I want to smell lotions, I want to see her sexy nails, I want to pull off her sexy lingerie, and I definitely want to lick her whole body and feel like I just walked down the aisles of Bath and Body Works.
Ryan: So sexy.
Venice: Thank you.  Anything else you have to add to the Dos and Don’ts?
Ryan: Yup, are you ready?
Venice: Oh no.
Ryan:  Ladies, seriously.  If you are planning to spend the night with a couple, or the lady in the couple is planning on hooking up with a third, do not let a man ejaculate in your vagina the night before.
Venice: Oh my…
Ryan: No, no, don’t cut me off here because this one is probably the reason why I mentioned the bathtub angels to begin with.
Venice: Go on.
Ryan: I would never want another woman to go down on my wife and have to deal with day my old cum residue because I couldn’t control myself the night before.  I mean seriously, who wants this?
Venice: I know I don’t.
Ryan: I will be totally honest, the morning of a possible threesome, even before our last shower, I will ask Venice is she wants me to “clean her out.”
Venice: It sounds worse than it really is.
Ryan: Basically I will “clean her pipes” for about 5 minutes, not to orgasm, not to have sex, but to really clean her out so she is prepared for our experience.
Venice: This keeps my body totally fresh, and it also gets my new juices flowing so the woman who joins us can really enjoy me.
Ryan: That’s what I am saying.
Venice: Okay, so I think I got it.  Ladies, try not to get creampied the night before you have a threesome.  I promise you, the next day, the other two will not enjoy you.  I don’t care what type of magic spoon you think you have that can dip inside your body and get all of the old creampie out, your spoon sucks.
Ryan:  Ha!
Venice: I’m serious
Ryan: The only time I ever smell anything unusual with you is after I orgasm inside you the night before .  Most people do not talk about this, but, a lot of times the woman’s odor is less because of herself, and more because of the two body fluids mixing together and the body cleaning itself out the next day.  Our bodies aren’t magic and sperm doesn’t just vanish into thin air inside of vaginas.
Venice: And for the record, I always clean up afterwards.   Anything else?
Ryan: Well, do I have to mention all the more common sense things like good hygiene?
Venice: Brush, wash, comb hair, trim, shave…
Ryan: …things you should be doing regardless of a threesome.
Venice: I will add a few of my own.
Ryan: Okay, that sounds good.
Venice: As a couple, never ignore the third person in the room.  Could you imagine how awkward that would be for the third person to be there watching the couple make out and totally forget she is there in the first place?
Ryan: Maybe she didn’t follow the rules mentioned above?
Venice: Ha, that’s true.
Ryan: If a couple is interested in a threesome and they accidently leave the third uninvolved, that’s a big sign.
Venice: You’re probably right, but nonetheless, couples, do not be rude.  Take care of your guest.

Let’s recap…

DOs
Wash your vagina/balls
Manicure (clean nails, polished, etc.)
Clean sexy lingerie and/or panties
Lotions
Hygiene, hygiene, hygiene

DON’Ts
Creampie the night before
Couples, do not ignore the third person

If you have your own DOs and DON’Ts, please add them in the comment section!

November 14, 2013

Threesome Memoirs: Pat the Squirter

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Threesome Memoirs: Table of Contents

pat the squirterI will be totally honest with you, I have no idea if this next prospect was a man or woman.   For future references, I will just call it, Pat the Squirter.

Now, me calling Pat the Squirter a prospect is extremely misleading.  It was never a prospect.  It was actually one of the first persons I communicated with about the possibility of a threesome, and it never went beyond talking through a website, email messages, and yahoo messenger.  I met this person, supposedly a single woman, on the swinging website I have mentioned multiple times in the past, swinglifestyle.com.  Since it’s against that website’s TOS (Terms Of Service) to talk about different members of that website openly, I will not mention any real specifics.

Pat the Squirter was interesting indeed.  She originally contacted me with pictures attached of her (or someone’s) vagina spread wide open and the sheets soaking wet.  Within her first or second sentence of introducing herself, she asked, “You aren’t turned off by women who squirt right?  Because I squirt all over.  I can’t control it.”

She went on to talk about all the different locations she liked to meet up with couples in our city and all her favorite hotels.  She’d talk about certain hotels where she had probably squirted on every comforter blanket in each room (Hampton Inn — stay away).  She was proud of that.   With each picture she sent she got nastier and more graphic.  The bodies of the women seemed a bit different with every picture set, but I just assumed she was getting older or some of the pictures were from years ago.  I also assumed, some women in this lifestyle live in their past or have pictures they love from years ago.  Eventually she asked for some of my pictures and I replied,  “I will need to call you for phone verification first.”

She then went into multiple reasons why should could never text or talk on the phone.  Reason 1: She was in the process of a messy divorce and she would lose everything if she had random numbers on her phone records.  Reason 2: She was from a rich family that is very known in the city we are from, and if word got out her family would disown her.  She needed to make sure we didn’t know each other in real life before she spoke on the phone with me.  Reason 3: She has moved out of her home and the lady she cares for monitors her very closely and gets annoyed by phone calls of any kind. Reason 4: She no longer has a phone and was going to pick up a cheap one when she got a chance.

Now, what exactly could she do?  Well, apparently she could be on yahoo messenger and email 24 hours a day because once I gave out my information, she wouldn’t leave me alone.  She claims she was being  monitored closely, but she could sit at her computer all day and nothing could be traced (yea right).  Truthfully, I set up my first yahoo messenger account just to talk with Pat the Squirter, because that is what she insisted on.  I had one friend on yahoo messenger, her.  After a few weeks of talking on y! messenger and hearing each of the different reasons why she couldn’t phone verify, I got tired of dealing with her.  Unfortunately, she didn’t get tired of me.

She’s probably the first person I had to literally email block.  Why?  Because she was completely bat shit crazy and would not stop sending me messages.  After I blocked her emails and y! messages, maybe a month or so later, I got a random message on yahoo from “hungandhandsom384039”, or some weird variation.  Like with Pat the Squirter, this person would message me over and over for days, with no response.  I had my notifications turned off, so when I finally did see all the missed messages, it didn’t take much for me to figure out the only other person on earth with my  yahoo messenger name was, Pat the Squirter.  Therefore, one could conclude that this new person, with a man’s name, was Pat.  Did I ever ask?  No.  I blocked the other name as well and uninstalled yahoo messenger.

I eventually got to know a few other couples and singles off the same swinging website, and low and behold, each of them had the same exact story.  Of course, Pat’s name changed per which personality she decided she was going to be, her story changed, her city changed, but the fact she was a squirter was pretty consistent.  Her not talking to any of them on the phone was pretty consistent too.  If I would bring up her account name to a few new friends, the first thing I would hear was, “Oh my god, don’t talk with her, she is crazy as hell.”

Was Pat the Squirter totally down to have a threesome?  Yes.  Was she totally down to do everything we wanted within our limits?  Sure!  Although she did tell me at one point, “All women say they want their men to have a limited role but as soon as I am ass up and naked in the hotel room, most women end up watching their husbands plow into me with their hard cocks, fuck me like a rabbit, and bury their balls in me as they try to cum as deep in my stomach as they can.”

I laughed, I blocked, and I learned one of my first lessons in opening up my bedroom to a possible stranger. Phone verification, phone verification, phone verification.

Pat, Bella (Bill), Carla (Carl), Donna (Don), whatever your name is…  get help.

November 13, 2013

How To Have A Threesome, even with your wife or girlfriend!

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threesome 1

How to have a threesome!  26,000 people recommended this on Facebook?  This website has been recommended by the E! channel?  The same channel that gives us Talk Soup and The Anna Nicole Show?!?  That can’t be!  And I thought E! actually had standards.  I will never trust their TMZ updates again!

Anyway, I was checking out different Google keywords and I saw this infomercial website.   For $47, no, $27, you can unlock the secrets to having a threesome.  There are secrets? I guess this was something that every drunk college frat boy and everyone on “Girls Gone Wild” are only privy to.  And to answer your next question, yes, you can even have a threesome with your wife or girlfriend involved!  I know it’s tempting, in fact, I feel bad for even blogging this because one of our foreign readers is going to actually think I am suggesting they really purchase this.

Chinese follower, Google translate this please:  I WAS BEING SARCASTIC.  DO NOT PURCHASE THIS PRODUCT.

Product review:  “Omg!  This is amazing how  well this works!  I didn’t even have to use  chloroform, roofies, ropes, or prostitutes either!  $27 only?  I’d pay 27 million for this type of information!”

how to have a threesome

 

 

November 13, 2013

Threesome Memoirs: Crazy Men

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Threesome Memoirs: Table of Contents

crazy menLet’s face it, most men are overly possessive and hyper sexual.  I say that knowing that the majority of my readers are men.  I also say that knowing my best friend, lover, and soulmate, is a man, and yes, he is also overly possessive and hyper sexual.  For me, it’s a good fit.  I can keep up with him sexually and the possessiveness makes me feel safe and secure.  If he weren’t as possessive, I would feel unwanted.  If he weren’t as sexual, I would feel unsexy and undesired.  Like I said, for me, it works.  For some women?  It absolutely does NOT work.

Why am I making these broad generalizations about men in my Threesome Memoirs?  You could guess that this is the section where I break down the different issues I am having with Ryan and him being too possessive, which for me, makes me uncomfortable meeting new people.   You’d guess wrong.  This is the section where I realize that the Internet and my local area are filled with men who literally want to save me from the wrath of my bad husband, my bad decisions, and my wanting a threesome.  Yes, men I do not know want to save me from all my bad choices I’ve made up until this point.  Does that make sense?

The Bluetooth Truth Whisperer:
Listen sweetie, I understand you are confused.  I get it.  I’ve learned that most women on dating sites searching for threesomes or another partner of the same sex, really just aren’t happy at home and disguise their needs behind any drastic change.  You’re bisexual because it’s the safest way for you to step out of your relationship.  Trust me, I get you.  Don’t suffer with him any longer sweetheart, you’re too beautiful to be unhappy.  Sincerly yours, your next man.”

Sometimes the truth is just too hard to face and The Bluetooth Truth Whisperer just hit me in the face with a pound of knowledge.  I had a few decisions to make in my response.  I could either say (option A) “Thanks for your input, I will take into consideration what you said before I move forward with the different decisions I am making in my current relationship.”   I could say, (option B) “I’m a big girl, I think I got this.  As you are learning about the different female personalities on dating websites have you learned anything about yourself?  What exactly do you hope to accomplish, as a man, browsing dating websites talking to different women who are looking for threesomes or bisexual experiences with other women?”  Or I could say, (option C) nothing and totally ignore his original message.  Option C is soooo boring and doesn’t sound like much fun.  I went with option A for now, because I have a weird feeling that I can easily follow up with option B in a later correspondence.  Plus option A makes for a juicer blog because I’m saving each message for our readers.

bluetoothThe Bluetooth Truth Whisperer:
I’m glad you can appreciate sound advice when you see it, sweetie.  Listen, if I were your man you would never have to worry about needing another woman or a threesome.  In fact, I find it disrespectful that a man would even suggest or be okay with having a threesome in the first place.  One woman is more than enough, especially when a man can appreciate everything he can do with one, like I do.  A woman needs to be cherrished and taken care of.  I can tell you are totally unhappy, but don’t think this is your fault.  It’s not.  You’re gorgeous and something tells me we have a lot more in common than you think.  Here is my personal email *******.******@gmail.com.   Also, here’s a picture of me as well.”

That is not the picture he sent, but it is extremely close.

So, if you are following along, I have now gone from exploring the option of meeting another woman and possibly having a threesome with my husband, to outright cheating with a black man that proudly wears a bluetooth in public.  Well, this definitely wasn’t in my plans, but I think the Bluetooth Truth Whisperer has different ideas.  Of course, I show Ryan the messages and picture.  He laughs and suggests I email him personally to see his next move.  Ryan’s reasoning, “This guy has all the moves you read about in those movies and shit.  You know, the ones where in the end he has your mouth sewn to another woman’s ass and is calling you a Human Centipede?  Maybe we can save a life by investigating further.”   I agree.

So I emailed him from a joint account I share with Ryan, “That’s a cool photo.  You know what they say about guys who wear bluetooths in public right?  Anyway, thanks for your messages, I have talked to my husband and we both agree that I’d rather keep pursuing a woman than email back and forth with a stranger about how my current relationship leaves me unhappy.  Thanks for your input though.”

The Bluetooth Truth Whisperer:
Why would you talk to your husband?  He is the one that left you unhappy in the first place.   Sweetheart, you still have so much more to learn.  A beautiful girl like you can be manipulated pretty easily so try to stay focused.  I know you are smart or else you wouldn’t have written me back to begin with.  Seriously, think about my first message to you, ok?  You are searching for something more and it isn’t a woman or a threesome.  Maybe you should call me and we can discuss this?  (***) ***-****.  Or at the least, text me so we can talk more direct.”

Ryan actually caught this email before me, as we both have access to the same account.  He sent me a text message and explained that the guy actually had his real name saved in his preferences, so when he wrote back it shows his actual name.  After a quick google search, I had his facebook account.  Sure enough, it was The Bluetooth Truth Whisperer.   The one thing he was definitely telling the truth about, we had a lot more in common than I thought.  He was married with kids.

Oh Facebook and Google, you cock blocking bastards.

So, I wrote back one final time, “Hey ******, the pictures of your wife and kids on your Facebook page look nice.  I’m sure your wife appreciates you browsing dating websites helping and counseling unhappy women such as myself.  Maybe I should contact her and thank her for having such a loving and giving husband.  Also, my sound advice to you?  Do not take selfies with a bluetooth in your ear.  Sincerly yours, your next fail.”

The Bluetooth Truth Whisperer:
For one, that’s not me in the picture.  Do you really think I am that dumb to use my real name or photo?   You will be harassing the wrong person.  Please leave me alone because I have zero tolerance for ignorance and stupid people.”

And that was the end of my correspondence with the Bluetooth Truth Whisperer.

You know, when I started writing today I had a few other men in mind I wanted to mention, but I just realized, this is plenty.  This was not the last time this technique was used, but the approach varies.  From helpful to angry, from hateful to anything just to get you to respond.  Once you respond, the guy will either send a cock photo or a selfie.  I am unsure if the cock photo is more of a way for them to get self gratification?  Like, “Fuckin’ A, she just saw my gosh damn cock and had no choice!  Fuck yea!”  Or men think that just by showing a woman his cock, just once, we will totally be brainwashed to want them forever.

Wrong.

November 12, 2013

Threesome Memoirs: Angry Lesbians and Studs

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Threesome Memoirs: Table of Contents

First off, every picture in my profile is mine and real.

A little about me?  I’m friendly and a great listener.   I’d be just as happy making a new bisexual female friend as I would finding a partner for a threesome.  I think simple flirting can be fun and sexy.  I am married, bisexual, and not looking to hook up with another woman for a lesbian relationship / experience.  To clarify, I am bisexual, not lesbian, and I’m only looking for bisexual experiences, not lesbian.  I am not comfortable meeting or hooking up without my husband, but his role can be limited so everyone is comfortable. If you prefer to just chat, e-mail, or text, you will only talk with me, the lady. Before exchanging more photos, I’d prefer to talk on the phone to make sure I know who I am texting or emailing.  After phone verification, we do not have to talk again until both parties agree.

If anyone is interested, please send a message. I am not interested in couples, men, or studs. Serious ladies only please.

The last thing I ever expected when listing my threesome ad on a dating website was that I would piss off a bunch of angry lesbians and studs.  What’s a stud?  A stud is a lesbian woman that acts and dresses like a man.   Being that some of them look so much like men, unless an actual man was gay and attracted to girls that look like men, a stud usually only hooks up with ladies.  The ultimate lesbians.  I am unsure if studs hook up with other studs, but they do run in packs and I am sure they “run trains” on other more feminine females.  You know, like men do.  I’d say most of the emails below came from local studs, but  I could be wrong.

I write this with a smile on my face as I really do not want to upset an entire community, but I just didn’t expect the backlash I would get from not wanting to hook up with another woman alone.

“How are you going to dangle your dirty Asian pussy in our faces and say you are bisexual but you do not want to hook up with a woman alone?  You have some fucking nerve bitch.  How about you let the real bitches hook up with the horny housewives and you just sit at home and kick cans.”

I didn’t respond to this message because quite frankly, it scared me.  I mean, usually I try to respond to everyone and be as friendly as possible, but I think the fact I existed pissed off this lady.

 “I hope you washed that bench after you were done sitting on it, you Mexican skank.  You couldn’t handle a bitch like me  alone anyway.  So yea, stay behind your hubby for protection.”

This may actually be the same person as the first message, but since I ignored it, she decided to write again on a seperate email.   I have no idea, but this time I replied.  “Don’t worry, I washed the bench with your mother’s tongue.”  Like I said, I try to be friendly as possible.  I wanted this person to know that I care about the environment and I would never leave a bench dirty with my skank juice.   I even let her know her own mom helped me save the planet.

“Yo shawty, I garuntee ya dude cant beat it up like me.  You evr been with a stud?  Aint no cock but Ill leave you walkin funny fa realz.  Fuck ya man, all you need is me shawty.  Holla at me.”

I didn’t reply to this one either, because I’ve seen “Locked Up” and know how these gangster stud women turn out girls like myself.  Not that I plan on robbing a bank one day or anything, but just in case I do end up locked up, I don’t want to run into this girl.  Seriously, you can never be too careful.  What if like I were to walk out of Wal-Mart and my receipt didn’t match the items in my bag?  The cops would come and take me to the slammer.  “10 4 Roger Roger, we have a brown woman here stealing things from Wal-Mart.   Roger 10 4, 25 to life and toss the key.”  Next thing I know I am getting a full body cavity search and having a broom stick shoved up my vagina.  No, thank you!

Sweetie, maybe you and your husband should go find a prostitute.  I’m not trying to be rude, but no real woman would want to stick their mouth on your filthy brown slit.  I’m just going to give you this advice, you take it how you want.  Make up your mind.  Either you want women or you want cock.  Stop being a greedy little bitch and pick your preference.  Ugh.  Also, good luck finding your whore, because only nasty bitches play with couples.

“Thank you for your helpful advice.  I do not take anything you’ve said to me as rude at all.  Let’s just cut to the chase, how much would you charge to fuck a fairly attractive couple?”  Although I felt this was a friendly response, I can only assume that she was totally upset at me in her response to my reply (which seemed more like a terrorist threat) because I wrongly assumed she was a hooker.   I think if I show up to the next local gay parade, I may not make it home that night.  Seriously.  I’m not making any local friends at all.

To explain some of the messages, I am in the United States, specifically the South.  Also, I am Asian.  Unfortunately, as behind as this seems, there aren’t a lot of brown girls here.  At least where I am from, you are either black or white.  It seems that a lot of ignorant folks called my vagina disgusting simply because it was brown.  Ha!  Sorry, I seriously laughed when I typed that.  It also seems being bisexual in general just pisses off some people.  There isn’t much I can do about other people’s perspectives. I just need to be careful.

If you think the Lesbian or Studs e-mails are bad, wait until you see a few of these men’s emails.