How to have a threesome! 26,000 people recommended this on Facebook? This website has been recommended by the E! channel? The same channel that gives us Talk Soup and The Anna Nicole Show?!? That can’t be! And I thought E! actually had standards. I will never trust their TMZ updates again!
Anyway, I was checking out different Google keywords and I saw this infomercial website. For $47, no, $27, you can unlock the secrets to having a threesome. There are secrets? I guess this was something that every drunk college frat boy and everyone on “Girls Gone Wild” are only privy to. And to answer your next question, yes, you can even have a threesome with your wife or girlfriend involved! I know it’s tempting, in fact, I feel bad for even blogging this because one of our foreign readers is going to actually think I am suggesting they really purchase this.
Chinese follower, Google translate this please: I WAS BEING SARCASTIC. DO NOT PURCHASE THIS PRODUCT.
Product review: “Omg! This is amazing how well this works! I didn’t even have to use chloroform, roofies, ropes, or prostitutes either! $27 only? I’d pay 27 million for this type of information!”
Let’s face it, most men are overly possessive and hyper sexual. I say that knowing that the majority of my readers are men. I also say that knowing my best friend, lover, and soulmate, is a man, and yes, he is also overly possessive and hyper sexual. For me, it’s a good fit. I can keep up with him sexually and the possessiveness makes me feel safe and secure. If he weren’t as possessive, I would feel unwanted. If he weren’t as sexual, I would feel unsexy and undesired. Like I said, for me, it works. For some women? It absolutely does NOT work.
Why am I making these broad generalizations about men in my Threesome Memoirs? You could guess that this is the section where I break down the different issues I am having with Ryan and him being too possessive, which for me, makes me uncomfortable meeting new people. You’d guess wrong. This is the section where I realize that the Internet and my local area are filled with men who literally want to save me from the wrath of my bad husband, my bad decisions, and my wanting a threesome. Yes, men I do not know want to save me from all my bad choices I’ve made up until this point. Does that make sense?
The Bluetooth Truth Whisperer:
Listen sweetie, I understand you are confused. I get it. I’ve learned that most women on dating sites searching for threesomes or another partner of the same sex, really just aren’t happy at home and disguise their needs behind any drastic change. You’re bisexual because it’s the safest way for you to step out of your relationship. Trust me, I get you. Don’t suffer with him any longer sweetheart, you’re too beautiful to be unhappy. Sincerly yours, your next man.”
Sometimes the truth is just too hard to face and The Bluetooth Truth Whisperer just hit me in the face with a pound of knowledge. I had a few decisions to make in my response. I could either say (option A) “Thanks for your input, I will take into consideration what you said before I move forward with the different decisions I am making in my current relationship.” I could say, (option B) “I’m a big girl, I think I got this. As you are learning about the different female personalities on dating websites have you learned anything about yourself? What exactly do you hope to accomplish, as a man, browsing dating websites talking to different women who are looking for threesomes or bisexual experiences with other women?” Or I could say, (option C) nothing and totally ignore his original message. Option C is soooo boring and doesn’t sound like much fun. I went with option A for now, because I have a weird feeling that I can easily follow up with option B in a later correspondence. Plus option A makes for a juicer blog because I’m saving each message for our readers.
The Bluetooth Truth Whisperer: I’m glad you can appreciate sound advice when you see it, sweetie. Listen, if I were your man you would never have to worry about needing another woman or a threesome. In fact, I find it disrespectful that a man would even suggest or be okay with having a threesome in the first place. One woman is more than enough, especially when a man can appreciate everything he can do with one, like I do. A woman needs to be cherrished and taken care of. I can tell you are totally unhappy, but don’t think this is your fault. It’s not. You’re gorgeous and something tells me we have a lot more in common than you think. Here is my personal email *******.******@gmail.com. Also, here’s a picture of me as well.”
That is not the picture he sent, but it is extremely close.
So, if you are following along, I have now gone from exploring the option of meeting another woman and possibly having a threesome with my husband, to outright cheating with a black man that proudly wears a bluetooth in public. Well, this definitely wasn’t in my plans, but I think the Bluetooth Truth Whisperer has different ideas. Of course, I show Ryan the messages and picture. He laughs and suggests I email him personally to see his next move. Ryan’s reasoning, “This guy has all the moves you read about in those movies and shit. You know, the ones where in the end he has your mouth sewn to another woman’s ass and is calling you a Human Centipede? Maybe we can save a life by investigating further.” I agree.
So I emailed him from a joint account I share with Ryan, “That’s a cool photo. You know what they say about guys who wear bluetooths in public right? Anyway, thanks for your messages, I have talked to my husband and we both agree that I’d rather keep pursuing a woman than email back and forth with a stranger about how my current relationship leaves me unhappy. Thanks for your input though.”
The Bluetooth Truth Whisperer: Why would you talk to your husband? He is the one that left you unhappy in the first place. Sweetheart, you still have so much more to learn. A beautiful girl like you can be manipulated pretty easily so try to stay focused. I know you are smart or else you wouldn’t have written me back to begin with. Seriously, think about my first message to you, ok? You are searching for something more and it isn’t a woman or a threesome. Maybe you should call me and we can discuss this? (***) ***-****. Or at the least, text me so we can talk more direct.”
Ryan actually caught this email before me, as we both have access to the same account. He sent me a text message and explained that the guy actually had his real name saved in his preferences, so when he wrote back it shows his actual name. After a quick google search, I had his facebook account. Sure enough, it was The Bluetooth Truth Whisperer. The one thing he was definitely telling the truth about, we had a lot more in common than I thought. He was married with kids.
Oh Facebook and Google, you cock blocking bastards.
So, I wrote back one final time, “Hey ******, the pictures of your wife and kids on your Facebook page look nice. I’m sure your wife appreciates you browsing dating websites helping and counseling unhappy women such as myself. Maybe I should contact her and thank her for having such a loving and giving husband. Also, my sound advice to you? Do not take selfies with a bluetooth in your ear. Sincerly yours, your next fail.”
The Bluetooth Truth Whisperer: For one, that’s not me in the picture. Do you really think I am that dumb to use my real name or photo? You will be harassing the wrong person. Please leave me alone because I have zero tolerance for ignorance and stupid people.”
And that was the end of my correspondence with the Bluetooth Truth Whisperer.
You know, when I started writing today I had a few other men in mind I wanted to mention, but I just realized, this is plenty. This was not the last time this technique was used, but the approach varies. From helpful to angry, from hateful to anything just to get you to respond. Once you respond, the guy will either send a cock photo or a selfie. I am unsure if the cock photo is more of a way for them to get self gratification? Like, “Fuckin’ A, she just saw my gosh damn cock and had no choice! Fuck yea!” Or men think that just by showing a woman his cock, just once, we will totally be brainwashed to want them forever.