Q&A: Question About FFM Threesomes

threeI’m the male in this situation. I have had a few threesomes. This one is planned and I have logistical questions.

One girl I have unprotected sex with. One girl I have to use a condom with. How do I do this exactly? Should I fuck one, then the other, and try not to switch back? Do I clean myself inbetween? What do I clean myself with? Do I switch back and forth with a new condom every time?

Is there a guide for positions? The last couple times the girls were not bi and I had trouble coming up with good positions. They kept expecting me to tell them what to do and it’s hard commanding two girls when they do not want to touch each other. That will probably happen again at some point so could I have suggestions for positions for a threesome with two girls who are not bi and the current situation in which they are?

Sometimes they will be confused on how to do something. Is there a good generic answer for this? One common one is a double blowjob. They don’t know where to position themselves. What do I tell them?

These new girls, thankfully, are into each other. I think probably more than they are into me.

They made me buy restraints so if any ideas include those in the positions, that would be great. Silk ties.

Starting it is also always weird too. They always look to me to initiate it, but then they resist me encouraging them. I think I will try suggesting they do things to each other? 

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Sex Ed: How Women Overcome Vaginismus

VaginismusWhen a woman has vaginismus, her vagina’s muscles squeeze or spasm when something is entering her, like a tampon or a penis. It can be mildly uncomfortable, or it can be painful. There are exercises a woman can do that can help, sometimes within weeks. vaginismus

Symptoms
Painful sex is often a woman’s first sign that she has vaginismus. The pain happens only with penetration. It usually goes away after withdrawal, but not always. Women have described the pain as a tearing sensation or a feeling like the man is “hitting a wall.” Many women who have vaginismus also feel discomfort when inserting a tampon or during a doctor’s internal pelvic exam.

Causes
Doctors don’t know exactly why vaginismus happens. It’s usually linked to anxiety and fear of having sex. But it’s unclear which came first, the vaginismus or the anxiety. Some women have vaginismus in all situations and with any object. Others have it only in certain circumstances, like with one partner but not others, or only with sexual intercourse but not with tampons or during medical exams.

Other medical problems like infections can also cause painful intercourse. So it’s important to see a doctor to determine the underlying cause of pain during sex.

Treatment
dilatorsWomen with vaginismus can do exercises, in the privacy of their own home, to learn to control and relax the muscles around the vagina. The approach is called progressive desensitization, and the idea is to get comfortable with insertion.

First, do Kegel exercises by squeezing the same muscles you use to stop the flow of urine when urinating:

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Q&A: Why Doesn’t My Husband Let Me Touch His Penis?

touching his penisI am 26, my husband is 25.  We have known each other a little bit short of a year and we’ve been married a few months. There’s a few issues in the bedroom, mostly things I really want to do and he doesn’t so we don’t do them. Most of these things I can live with and the sex we have is hands down the most mind blowing sex I’ve ever had. Not in that we do special things or anything like that, it’s very vanilla because that’s the way he likes it. I would like to try different things and I’m very open to anything, I also have a very high libido and his is not so high.

Like I said, I can live with most things he doesn’t want to do. Sex has to be enjoyable for both, and I still enjoy it very much the way we do it now.

What really bothers me though, is he won’t let me touch his dick. If this was the only issue we had I could probably live with it, but this is kind of like the last drop to me. I just can’t understand it.

I love his dick, it’s so great. I’ve touched it for a little bit sporadically and it’s the greatest thing I’ve ever touched. It gets so hard, and just really turns me on.. All I want to do is just touch it for a little bit.

He thinks I’m weird for wanting to touch it so bad. He says he’s never heard of a woman “that wants to touch their partners dick all day every day”. Those are his words. I don’t want to touch it all day every day, although I do understand why he might think I do. I try to make him let me touch it before we have sex. And I’ve kind of become obsessed with trying to touch it. I try to do it when he’s asleep, and I’ve caught myself subconsciously doing it when I’m in that half-awake state where you can’t control yourself. The thing is, if he would make no problem of it I would be fine with just touching it every one in a while to get my fix and it wouldn’t look like I always want to touch it anymore.

He says he just doesn’t like it, he doesn’t give me a specific reason why, he just doesn’t like it. Well, my opinion is that sometimes you do something for someone to make that someone happy. I’m not asking you for something big (or theoretically I do), I’m not trying to hurt you, I’m not asking if I can be glued to your dick for the rest of our lives, I just want to touch it for a little bit sometimes. I feel like I can’t have every part of him, it’s so frustrating. When I see how hard he gets before we have sex, his dick looks like it wants to rip straight through his underwear. It looks so fucking hot, it turns me on so much, at that moment in time it’s the greatest thing in life. I love every part of him and I just want all of him, I JUST WANT TO TOUCH IT.

It just frustrates me that, even though he doesn’t enjoy it, he can’t just let me have it for a little bit. I can’t understand it. “I don’t like it, so you can’t ever do it.” Needless to say he also doesn’t like blowjobs while I love giving them. In the time we’ve been together he’s let me do it for about 2 minutes twice, then he just wants to fuck. He’s also never gone down on me, which makes me sad, but I can live with it and I can understand why someone wouldn’t want to do this.

The worst thing is sometimes I try to touch it before sex, he will say he just wants to fuck now and “I promise I will let you touch it a little bit before we go to sleep tonight”. I will get so excited and think about how I can touch him later all day, but later in bed he just rejects me again. Why make such promises??

I don’t really know what I should do about this situation. Should I approach it differently? Should I just accept it and try to get over it? How do I get over it? It’s the one thing I want and it’s right in front of me but I can’t get it. Are there any men that feel the same way that would like to explain their side a little more? Or are there any women that had to deal with the same situation? How did you deal with it?

I would also like to add he’s Chinese, is this a cultural thing?

Venice’s response:
First, how awesome is it that you love to touch his dick?! Sadly, a lot of wives just don’t have the urge or desire to touch her man’s body, let alone his private area.

We have no secrets when it comes to each other’s bodies. He shaves my vagina/sphincter area, I check him for hemorrhoids. He pierces my nipple, I pierce his guiche. He brushes my hair, I lick his eyeball. We are not disgusted by each other. That goes for sexual stimulation. His dick is your dick, so technically, you should be able to touch it anytime you want to, right? I think so. I feel that I have a right to my husband’s body. In fact, just this morning I slapped his ass like 3 or 4 times when he walked in front of me and dared him to tell me to stop…he didn’t.

The only reason I can think of that can keep him from fully enjoying being touched by his wife is that there may be a psychological issue. And it reminded me of a friend of mine who was “diagnosed” with frigidity. I didn’t know what caused it, or if it was a combination of different factors that caused a woman to be “frigid”: being self-conscious of her body, fear of rejection, etc. I was young myself so I didn’t know any better. It even became a matter of “That will never happen to me.” As I thought about that, I started to wonder if there was a male version of frigidity. There is: hypoactive sexual desire disorder.

[…] it is assumed and widely verified that sexual desire occurs less frequently in women and that arousal is much more complicated. One could argue the etiology of this fact, whether it is that women possess lower endogenous testosterone or that female children are socialized to be and feel less sexual, but that is another topic. What is true, however, is that women suffer from desire disorders more than men, most commonly hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) (Goldstein et al., 2006; Laumann, et al, 1994, p. 370 & 371). To be precise, the prevalence among men versus women is about 15% versus 35%, respectively (Levine, 2010, p. 40).

The Diagnostic and Statistics Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th edition, text-revision (DSM-IV-TR, American Psychiatric Association, 2000) defines hypoactive sexual desire disorder as, in summary, “Persistently or recurrently deficient (or absent) sexual fantasies and desires for sexual activity” that causes personal and relational stress, and that cannot be accounted for by Axis I disorders, substance use (including medications), or other medical conditions (p. 541). The disorder is further defined through lifelong versus acquired, generalized versus situational, and psychological versus combined factors (p. 541). There are many chemical factors that can lead to HSDD in men, most commonly anti-depressant medications (specifically, selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors and anti-hypertensive medications) as well as hormonal issues (hypogonadism or endocrine dysfunction as a result of environmental xenoestrogens) and psychological issues (anxiety, depression, and other Axis disorders) (Levine, 2010, p. 40). All of this makes a differential diagnosis more challenging.

Once ruling out medications, mood disorders, and hormonal issues, it becomes important to identify whether the situation is lifelong or acquired and situational or generalized. Further, men will often report erectile dysfunction rather than low sexual desire, further complicating diagnostic efforts (Levine, 2010, p. 41). This tendency to underreport desire disorders can likely be traced back to the cultural myths about male sexuality—a mechanical problem is bad enough, but male socialization conveys that not wanting sex is simply not masculine (Fracher & Kimmel, 1992). When clients find it difficult to discuss sexuality or sexual desire issues, The Sexual Desire Inventory (Spector, Carey & Steinberg, 1996) can be a useful tool for acquiring information in a way that allows more openness for the client (Meuleman & Van Lankveld, 2004, p. 291).

For those clients who profess they always have experienced low desire (lifelong variety), and who also believes that the low desire is ego syntonic, continued treatment may not be desirable unless the client is dissatisfied with the situation. For example, 27.4% of men aged 18 to 59 who were living with a partner had sex three times or less in the last year (10% had zero sex) and two-thirds of the men who had no sex were not troubled by it (Laumann, et al, 1994). For these men, lack of sex drive may be a character trait or an aspect of temperament with which they were born.

However, as Levine suggests, the situation is seldom as simple as innate low desire and no feelings about that loss of intimacy:
Lifelong HSDD usually reflects the constitutional endowment of sexual drive, although the internalization of antisexual values and experiences of abuse or neglect may produce a lifelong low sexual interest level. (2010, p. 41)
Levine goes on to suggest that attachment issues, which can inhibit adolescent sexual development can sometimes be at the root of low desire. In women, low desire or frequency of sexual behavior is associated with avoidant attachment, but in males it is associated with ambivalent attachment patterns (Feeney, 1999, p. 371). However, this is only one opinion—a study by Hazan, Zeifman, and Middleton (1994) found that avoidant men and women report low enjoyment of sexuality whereas ambivalent subjects of both sexes enjoy cuddling but not overt sexuality (cited in Feeney, p. 371)—there are very few studies that look at attachment issues and male hypoactive sexual desire.

Most often, HSDD manifests later in a relationship after a time of relatively normal sexual function and behavior (acquired variety). The reasons for this loss of desire can be physical, especially low androgen levels, as noted by many researchers (Knussmann, Christiansen & Couwenbergs, 1986; Mantzoros, Georgiadis & Trichopoulos, 1995; Nilsson, Moller & Solstad, 1995). There also can be other physical issues to rule out, including “various combinations of direct illness effects: treatment effects from medication, radiation, or surgery; psychological reactions to being ill; spousal reactions to the ill partner” (Levine, p. 41).

After ruling out all other issues (these are commonly seen as acquired generalized causes), the next step is to examine acquired situational issues. According to Levine, these tend to occur shortly after marriage. One variation, the Don Juan “casualty,” typically values the seduction more than conquest, and once he has “won” the women whom he often sees as a wonderful person, the sexual impulse is gone. In another variation, the pornography “casualty,” the man has been shaped and has shaped his sexual scripts through pornography. For him, an actual woman is too complex and intimidating for him to feel sexual toward. Finally, the “practical marriage casualty” results when a man chooses a wife for status and social benefits without really feeling any romantic interest. Each of these assumes a somewhat normal sexual fantasy life but a sexless relationship.

The therapist should also examine more complex, relationship-based issues. Among the variety of reasons a man may feel no sexual chemistry or desire for his wife include the following: he is having an affair, he no longer finds her sexually attractive, he finds her complaints about his sexual functioning overwhelming, her new status as a mother has rendered her asexual in his eyes, and perhaps the most irrevocable issue, he is a closeted homosexual and can no longer pretend to feel attraction for his wife even though he cannot face his sexuality. The job of the therapist is gently to explore these possibilities with the client while always keeping in mind that, “For men, sexual behavior is the ultimate expression of their manhood; beyond manhood—their personhood” (Gaylin, 1992, p. 117).

Levine argues that there are no physiological treatments (magic pills) for low sex drive (p. 42) and that there does not seem to be anything resembling a Viagra for low desire. However, he also states that none of the most common psychotherapies—cognitive-behavioral, psychodynamic, sex therapy, Psychodrama—have proven useful in treating HSDD (p. 42). Therapy can involve the man by himself, the man with his partner, or placement into a group with other men who experience similarly limited interest in their partners. While the group work may not do much to repair or save the relationship, it can help the man better understand his avoidance or motivations.

In lifelong/generalized HSDD, successful therapy may simply entail helping the couple develop strategies to maintain intimacy and a sexual common ground. With situational/acquired HSDD, successful therapy may include exploring relationship issues, physical attraction issues, family of origin issues, and a variety of other factors. Finally, it is also possible that the man developed a part—a subpersonality—whose role it is to suppress sexual desire, generally as a result of some shame-related experience (Schwartz, 1995). If that part’s “burden” can be identified and removed through therapeutic intervention (often a form of active imagination), then therapy can focus on trust-building and the creation of intimacy within the couple, but without sexual contact, until physical desire returns. However, it is handled, sensitivity to the importance men generally place on their sexuality as a major construct of their personal identity is crucial.
~ Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder

I have never heard of Chinese men, culturally speaking, not enjoying their penis touched. But judging from this article, it’s likely that your husband can certainly be affected by one or more of these factors mentioned: effects of illness and/or medication, decreased desire toward his woman as she is now “conquered,” intimidation, and relationship issues (no sexual chemistry, asexual feelings toward his spouse). HSDD is something that may be beyond your reach. If you suspect this, it’s probably something that he (and you) should discuss together. Hopefully his machismo does not stand in the way and you can get to the root of the problem of you not being able to touch his dick.

Ryan’s response:
Not sure what to think about this question because really, the issue could be resolved with a simpler question: “Why doesn’t my husband want me staring at his penis?” I assume, with your self admitted worshiping of his penis, you’d also like to suck on it, stare at it, as well as touch it. I think most women really attracted and in love with a man have this urge. And with a blowjob you could touch his penis all you wanted.

To answer your question honestly and not focus on the “touching” as a single issue, but focus more on the bigger picture, why he doesn’t want oral sex, touching, and studying/staring at his penis. This is where I think the problem could be.

Not sure what type of man this is, as I’ve never dealt with any guy that doesn’t enjoy blowjobs to some extent. And I can honestly think of one issue that would prevent a man from wanting a woman touching/oral/staring at his penis…his own self esteem. I’ve heard of a lot of guys that can’t cum from them, but they still enjoyed receiving them. I have no idea if this is part of the Chinese culture, or your husband just doesn’t want you to look at his penis because he is self conscious. With touching, blowjobs, or looking at his penis, he may feel you are judging his size, shape, or other minor things he considers flaws. I know when I met Venice I was so shy that I hated knowing she was touching my penis or looking at it in the light I didn’t know if she studied a bunch of other guys and I didn’t add up. I didn’t know if she even thought it was sexy or to her liking. I can still remember laying in bed totally embarrassed while she played with my penis (it was in the middle of the day, so although I would have wanted the lights off, that wasn’t an option). She was laying in my lap after we had sex for the first time, playing with my shriveled up after sex penis, making the pee hole “talk” to her while she moved it in a way that it looked like a mouth talking. She “baby talked” my penis, and then changed her voice to make my penis reply to her. I can still remember what she called him, Mister. I also remember thinking about a million things, all of which embarrassed me.

“I wonder if she thinks I am too small.”

“Does she think the freckle on my penis is hideous?”

“I bet she thinks it’s ugly.”

“The veins probably gross her out.”

“Is she making fun of me?”

“Does she notice my curve?”

“Does it match my body?”

“Why the fuck is she calling my penis Mister?”

If you are self conscious, regardless of how confident you seem, you tend to stay away from the things that make you feel uncomfortable or show “weakness”. It may be possible that your husband wants to feel big and strong around you at all times and is emasculated by his own self image of his penis size compared to his own perception of what a penis should look like. He may be self conscious of a woman from a different culture (if you are not Chinese) having ideas of how a penis is supposed to look because of his physically differences to the men in your culture. This is kind of how I felt. I remember wishing I could just make my penis totally meaningless so Venice could judge me for me only, my personality, the way I made her laugh. But no matter what, as a woman, she was drawn to wanting to touch my body, explore my penis, and even measure my size with her hand and wrist, only to later measure her hand and wrist with a ruler to know my actual size. She wasn’t doing it to hurt me, but it was just something that turned her on knowing, whether I had input or not.

This is probably one of our biggest fears as men, and truthfully, there isn’t anything we can do about it.

Until I trusted that Venice wasn’t going to make fun of me, or I understood that my flaws became her own flaws, I didn’t feel comfortable around her. To be honest, it took years for me to let her look at my body when I wasn’t half swollen already (never showing her my totally flaccid penis). I wanted her to see me as always thick and large, not shriveled and tiny. I felt it made me more attractive as a man. I felt it made her think about it more during the day. I didn’t understand that my body became her own body, and if an outsider was to judge me, she’d be more offended by the negative comments than I was. It was now HER DICK. She had no choice, just like me. She had no way to make it bigger if that is what she wanted, just like me. She fell in love with a man and his dick became hers in every way. To understand that your woman adopts your size, your shape, your “appearance” much like it’s part of her own body that she can’t control, but still loves it with all of her heart, is when us men open up. At this point in my relationship, I do not feel my dick, regardless of it’s flaccid state, will turn off Venice. I think she prides herself in my body and dick, more than I ever could.

In my situation, threesomes with other women played the biggest role in realizing my wife adored my body, especially my dick. You can tell a person in their face that their dick is perfect, and never really believe them. But seeing Venice tell other women to “suck on his huge dick” or “how does his big dick feel inside your body” opened my eyes to how much she has accepted me. You just can’t fake enthusiasm or seeing the girl you love tell a total stranger how much she loves your huge cock, knowing that other person would have no reason to lie or stroke my ego. Not that I am suggesting threesomes, but in my situation, it changed me in every way around Venice.

Now, without threesomes, how do you get your husband to understand that you love his dick in every single way? Time and communication. Maybe let him “accidentally” find a letter to a friend about how huge you think his dick is. Maybe just tell him everyday that he is the biggest dick you’ve ever seen in real life. Or maybe just tell him you want to suck on his dick for hours and you can’t be happy with sex unless you get this. Either way, this is a problem that can be resolved with patience and communication.

 

The Quad – My Poly Origins (Krys)

polyamorySince Venice and Ryan asked if The Quad could contribute to their blog, I’d been trying to think of something their readers might be interested in.  As a group, we answered a question, and if any of you have any other questions you’d like us to answer, please feel free to submit them.  We enjoyed answering that one.  In the meantime, I figured I’d let you all know how I came to realize I that I was polyamorous.

When I met my husband Gun, I was a rather innocent 20 year old.  He’d told me since we started dating that if I wanted to explore, we could talk about it and he’d be open to that.  He figured I’d bring it up back then.  Nope.  I brought it up on (Canadian) Thanksgiving weekend in 2011.  About a month before that, I’d started the journey to take control of my life and get healthy.  I’ve always been a bigger, curvy girl, who was shy and very unsure about herself.  Some health issues started popping up that summer, so I knew I had to do something about it.  In starting to shed some pounds, and feel good about myself, I decided I wanted to bite the bullet and see if someone else might be interest me.  On a whim, one evening just before Thanksgiving weekend I signed up to the website Plenty of Fish.  Within hours I had messages from a bunch of guys.  I chatted with a couple, but one in particular piqued my interest.  He was married, and looking for a friend with benefits (FWB).  His wife had had one for a few years, and he wanted one as well.  They were open and communicative with each other.  I couldn’t ever meet him without Gun being aware, so by the end of that weekend I knew I had to tell him.  We were home from dinner at his parents place, our kids were elsewhere in the house, Gun was playing Xbox, and I was sitting near him and getting more nervous by the second.  I was trying to wait for a slowdown in play, or a cut scene, but neither were happening in the game he was playing.  After he died one time, I just took a deep breath and kind of blurted out, “you know how you’d said when we started dating that I could explore elsewhere if I wanted to? Well, I think I found someone I’d like to do that with.”  He kind of sat there dumbfounded for a few moments, then said “okay.”  We talked a LOT those first few weeks.  I even told Gun if he wanted to find someone to have fun with, to go ahead.  We set out a few rules for ourselves and ventured forth.

For reasons outside of my control, I only saw this guy a handful of times, and only once intimately.  After that, I was chatting with a few guys, saw one or two others in various capacities.  Gun wasn’t having a much luck finding a sane female, who wasn’t cheating on her husband.  We’d been listening to the podcast Life on The Swingset, and decided to sign up to a swingers website and see if we could find a couple that we could both have fun with, along with making new friends.  We had various types of success and what I call “learning experiences” over the first few months of doing that.  I signed up for an anonymous Twitter account that summer as a way to vent frustrations, and express myself.  I obviously couldn’t do that on my vanilla accounts.  Gun started his own account a few days after I did.

Within a few months, we found a great community on Twitter.  We started meeting a few couples in person and were having an interesting time.  It was around then that I met a guy from one of the swinger sites we were on, and he became my FWB.  We chatted often and I saw him on my work lunch hour sometimes.   A few couples on Twitter who were swingers or were interested in swinging, started talking about a meet and greet in Niagara Falls that winter; we decided to go as well.  Because of our kids, we could only go for one night while most of the other couples were there for 2 nights.  We got there early Saturday afternoon and promptly got to meet the others in person.  We hit it off right off the bat with Bob and Lexxi, and with another couple Charlie and Angel.  At the end of the evening, Bob and Lexxi invited Gun and I up to their room.  Needless to say, we accepted, and had an enjoyable time 😉  We exchanged cell numbers the next day, and were texting the whole way home.

The four of us started to visit each other’s’ homes about once a month.  There was no denying that we all had a connection that was different than what any of us had experienced in the past.  Feelings started to deepen as time passed.  With communication being so open, we all discussed it with each other as it was progressing.  Around then, things with my FWB were getting awkward, something was missing for me. I wasn’t happy with what he could give me and Gun didn’t like the vibes he got off of this guy, so I broke it off with him.

The big turning point for myself in realizing I was poly was the long weekend we all spent on a houseboat for Lexxi’s 40th birthday.  That was the first time that we slept swapped (there were two double beds next to each other at one end of the boat, Gun and Lexxi had one while Bob and I had the other).  It was a fun, relaxed, amazing, weekend full of laughs, lots of hot sex, and tequila body shots.  A couple of weeks after that I ended up going to Bob and Lexxi’s on my own for a night.  When I left that weekend I had to hold back saying “I love you” to Bob.  I knew my feelings had deepened, but it surprised me that it felt natural to want to say that.  That summer, we all realized we’d been sliding down the same path.  We had visits that included our kids, some alone, had a wife swap weekend, and even an entire week where Bob and Lexxi stayed at our house (sans kids to boot!).

Gun and I had wished we had a couple that was closer we could hang out with, but after a while realized that we now had a bunch of great open-minded friends who lived at various distances, and we really weren’t focusing on finding couples anymore.  We deactivated our accounts on the various sites we had been on.

At some point later, Gun decided to sign back up to a few dating sites to try to find a female FWB in our area.  I had played alone with Chad, who is a good friend of ours, a couple of times that spring.  Other than that though, I had been feeling like something was missing for me and was wondering if a relationship of my own outside of what we now called The Quad, was it.  Lexxi had never really played separate from Bob (other than within The Quad, and with Chad) and was curious, so she and I each signed up on Tinder, and then OkCupid.  For myself, I chatted with a few people, met one guy for a coffee, but ultimately was discouraged and decided to deactivate the two accounts at the end of that summer.  A month and a half or so later, I reactivated my OkCupid account and soon after found Erik’s profile.  I found it smart and funny, plus the percentage match between us was 99% as we both had answered a lot of their questions similarly.  So, I messaged him.

We chatted easily over text, and then hit it off in person.  Over the next while, we went on various dates together, Gun and I had dinner with Erik and his wife Mia, plus they both came over when Bob and Lexxi were visiting.  As the months passed, I could see patterns in myself where I knew my feelings were starting to deepen for Erik.  Last spring, almost a year ago now, I really realized that I am truly polyamorous. I was in love with, or in the process of falling in love with, 3 guys and also had a deep relationship with a woman. Plus I had some good friends who I care for immensely.

To say the past four and a half years have been eye opening, is an understatement.  Between realizing that I am polyamorous, and now also discovering my kinky submissive side, I finally feel like I’ve found myself.  It feels natural, and I feel freer than I ever have.

Naughty Selfies – All Your Base Are Belong To Us

cpapNaughty Selfies – All Your Base Are Belong To Us ( Marking Her Territory )

I got a text message today from Venice that said she needed to go home to pick up paperwork. She works 2 jobs so she can’t always remember to grab what she needs before she leaves in the morning. I acknowledged her and went about my work day. About an hour later I looked at my phone and realized that when she went home, she also decided to mark her territory. Exhibit 1: The photo to the left is my CPAP mask.  Obviously that isn’t just my CPAP mask, because Venice decided to hold it up to her crotch and tag the photo with, “Sniff that lolllll.”

PillowI would call this behavior unusual or her being extra horny and cute, but really, this is just her personality in a nutshell.  A little bit of “fucking with me”, a little bit of making me laugh, a little bit of horny, and a lot of making sure I know that there is nothing in our house that she won’t rub her vagina on at any given time…and I just have to live with that idea. Exhibit 2: My pillow. This photo was captioned “Take that, memory foam pillow!!” 

ChairAnd since she has decided to be funny today, I decided to add Pee-Wee Herman popping out of her vagina for no other reason that I find it hilarious.  She will too. What better way to cover up her little slit than with Paul Reubens.  Exhibit 3: My new computer chair. This photo was captioned “New chair smell.”  

She then followed up these photos with random shots of her showing off her Who-ha in different areas of the house.  I admit, if it wasn’t Monday, I would probably say this was the most perfect day in the world.  I can’t wait to go home and get to sleep tonight with my pillow and CPAP mask on!!!! Yay!

*PS: She woke me up last week and said, “Sorry, you can’t wear your robe this morning, I peed on it.” No explanation, no rhyme or reason, just peed on my robe for fun I suppose. That’s my girl.