Dating Tips – Making First Time Sex Less Awkward

h-armstrong-roberts-woman-whispering-into-man-s-ear-man-pulling-funny-faceDating Tips

Thanks to the random advice floating around the internet, dating is only getting easier. While browsing the internet we found some great advice that we decided to share with our readers, specifically our female readers. As you know, we preach open communication in a relationship.  In fact, most of our answers to every question we get has to do with some sort of communication. Well, communication doesn’t start after you are married. It can start on a first date, or even on the date where you are planning on having sex with your date for the first time.  Read below:

When I’m dating someone new, I usually expect we’ll have sex sometime between dates 1 and 4. Even if I’m expecting it will happen on a particular night, I typically let the man make the first (physical) move. (If you’re into more submissive men, or are a more aggressive person, then rock on, but this LPT is not for you.) The thing is, I want him to know that I’m ready for it, because when he’s ready I don’t want him to hold back/get anxious/get worked up about mechanics.

The key phrase I have used in the past is: “We’re having sex tonight, right?”

The responses tend to range from “Hell yes we are,” to arm snakes over my shoulder “Yep.”

Ask the question when you’re engaged in an activity that is not making out or cuddling unless you want the sex to commence right then. (In that case, don’t bother asking, honestly. Just put your hands on the fly of his pants and wait for the all-clear.)

whisperGood times to ask are when you’re both watching a movie (whisper it in his ear if you’re at the movies), about to finish dinner, or in the latter half of a romantic walk.

Why is it good to bring up sex casually ahead of time?

1. So he knows you’re game.

Obviously you can revoke consent at any time up to and during sex, but giving him the all-clear ahead of time is a good way to get his juices flowing. Now he knows ahead of time that you want it, and he’s less likely to be second-guessing himself during the transition from making out to humping.

2. It’s a good time to mention important details that haven’t come up yet.

Instead of both of you hurriedly consenting to sex in the seconds it takes you to remove your clothes, giving some lead time offers you both an opportunity to mention preferred methods of contraception (do either of you have a latex allergy?), std’s, and things you DO NOT WANT. (“Hell yes we’re having sex tonight! Just stay away from my butthole, you saucy minx.”)

3. It lets you get your heads in the game.

Sex with someone new can be kind of tricky. It can take you longer than you expect to get fully aroused, especially since figuring each other out can lead to some clumsiness. Having time to warm up mentally before you get started physically can help.

4. You can excuse yourself to the bathroom.

Instead of tearing yourself away during the heavy petting, now you can go to the bathroom and do your pre-sex ritual in an atmosphere of calm expectation. For me, this means swabbing downstairs with a summer’s eve wipe, changing into the secret pair of fresh panties I keep in my purse, refreshing my perfume, taking off spanx and/or tights, popping a breath mint (in my mouth, you freaks), and giving my hair a once-over. I always imagine dudes use this time to clear their floor of discarded boxers, neaten up their sheets, and chug another beer, but I really have no idea what they’re up to. Obviously your rituals will differ, but talking about sex before you do it gives everybody a little extra time to be at their best when things go down (heh), which is nice, because distractions are the last thing you want!

5. The answer might be “no!”

Finally, it’s great to talk about sex before you’re physically worked up for it, because your prospective partner might not be into it. If they respond, “Eh… I’ve had a lot to drink…” or “I’ve got an early day tomorrow,” then you’ll know to cool your jets.

This is actually a really good thing! It’s much better to discover that your partner doesn’t want sex in an emotionally neutral way. This way they don’t turn you down after you’re already naked. Plus, this doesn’t mean you can’t make out/snuggle/give each other foot rubs. All it means is that you need to turn off the part of your brain that reads into that stuff as foreplay. – Rss Sex Feed

Great advice for sure!

Q&A: I have a cuckold fetish and I am ashamed of myself.

cuckoldI’m a male, still quite young at 20 and am in my first serious relationship. My partner is 5 years older than me and is very experienced sexually, which for me was always a point of insecurity because I lost my virginity to her. After dating for 8 months, we entered the long distance stage of our relationship. And in my first months away from her, I developed a very strong cuckold fetish that I had not ever felt prior. But, here’s the thing: it scares me… a lot. It makes me very afraid of my sexuality, because I’ve always hoped to achieve a sexual relationship with a lover and life partner where we practice monogamy, and if there are any kinks we want to try out, we could make it happen for each other. That seems ideal to me. No jealousy involved, no shaming, no arousal from emotional pain, no getting turned on by compersion. I wish I could cut these sources of pleasure out of my system. I’m not sure what caused my fetish the first place, but it’s most likely because of my insecurities being less experienced than her and also being in different countries, where she has to “hold herself back” by being in a currently monogamous relationship. It makes me feel guilty for forcing her to inhibit herself. I have never told her about this fetish of mine. Should I? We’re open to talking about sexual fantasies and I love it – we’re very open and honest. But I’ve heard of cases where the girlfriend will be ashamed or feel unloved by her boyfriend’s cuckold fetish. Or, worse yet, she’ll be into the idea, and my fetish would push me to match her up with other men. I know that if I did this I would feel momentary pleasure but then feel ashamed and worthless afterwards. I just want to forget it all and relieve myself of the burdens of my new-found sexual interests. What are your thoughts?

Venice’s response:
Anytime you have a serious discussion with your partner, it can be terrifying because you don’t know how he/she will react: ashamed (as you said) at the thought being because of your cuckold fetish, feeling inadequate because she may think she’s not enough for you, angry for even considering her to be “that kind of girl.” On the other hand, she may share your feelings, which may be a good thing at first as it can easily go from 0 to 60 in the blink of an eye. I say this because if she decides to indulge your fetish, which the both of you will enjoy in its early stages, I can foresee it spinning out of control if there are no boundaries in place. Imagine her sending you pictures of one of weekend gangbangs or getting multiple shots of semen on her face. Because although you have this fetish, there may be some things that you deem too extreme. Boundaries, no matter how unorthodox a relationship may be to others, are the checks and balance that keep

Moving from a monogamous relationship to that of a multi-partner one (let alone discussing it) is a serious step and you may never go back to how things were before once you’ve done so. I understand that you’re both very open and honest, which I believe all couples should be, but openness and honesty don’t have anything to do with your desires as well as hers. My suggestions is to give your relationship some time. You may change your mind in a few months or a few weeks, or sooner. In the least, this may be a phase, a fleeting idea, and you slowly lose interest. No matter how well you think you may know her, you can never predict how she’ll react. However, I think allowing your relationship to age may work in everyone’s best interest. It will give you time to assess where you stand (if you want to eventually marry her), to make up your mind definitely (if your fetish will grow stronger or dissipate), and to get to know your partner better (you may gain insight into her own fetishes, and if that happens, you may have subsequent conversations about other relationship goals/boundaries).

Ryan’s response:
I am an advocate for being open, honest, and communicating in a relationship. However, since I have been married for so long my ideology comes from maintaining a strong marriage. Prior to marriage, the rules of engagement are completely different than what I believe a married couple should have. There are a few reasons why: Purpose of relationship, trust, and your history.

Purpose of relationship: Is this a relationship where you just want to have fun?  If so, why not tell her your fantasies and see if she is okay with it. No big deal. Is this a relationship where you want to possibly be married and live with this person for the rest of your life? If the purpose of your relationship is to life with each other forever, I am strongly against the idea of adding anyone else to your relationship. Why? Because you have your whole life to explore these other areas, and I promise you, no matter how sexual you are, it takes years to fully experience everything a person has to offer in the bedroom. You may want to carefully think about what your fantasy involves, especially with your relationship being so young. In this stage of your relationship, it may not be the best time to try things that I feel a couple should wait years into your relationship to start.  Why? History.

History: How much history do you have with this person? If you have a long history and you know all the ins and out of her personality, maybe, in the boyfriend/girlfriend stage could you share your kinky fantasies that involve others. Again, depending on the purpose of this relationship. If you have a short history and you have only known your girlfriend for a year or so (in your case, it’s a long distance relationship), there is no way you know all the ins and outs of her personality. Maybe you think you do, because I have never met a person who doesn’t think they don’t know their lover totally. It doesn’t matter if they’ve only been together for 2 weeks, people just feel they automatically know everything about another person simply because they laughed together and decided to cum on each others’ genitals. It’s not that easy, and in my opinion, it takes years, and I mean years to really get to know someone. And even then, the person is constantly changing and if the open communication stops, within a few months you could have a totally new person you are dealing with. Why is history so important though? Trust.

Trust: If you trust someone without knowing them, you are a fool. At what stage in a relationship should you trust someone? Well, judging by my fool comment, it would be after you really know the person you are with. This isn’t a simple process.  Again, everything still depends on the purpose of your relationship. There are variables here.

Being that I am in a relationship where we add a third female to our bedroom every now and then, I am glad we waited for our 15th year of marriage before this happened. We were able to trust each other more than we trust ourselves, enjoy the experience without any negative consequences, and have had almost no real issues after our experiences.  Again, I cannot really advise you on your situation because their are too many variables missing and I do not know the purpose of your relationship. If you just want to have fun and do not plan on spending the rest of your life with this person, go ahead and let her know your kinky fantasies. If you do want to spend the rest of your life with her, slow down.

Sex Games For Couples: Semen Says

What can make sex more fun and playful than turning it into a game? Throughout our years of marriage we have came up with ideas that we may or may not have actually used. But none the less, we have decided to share our ideas with our readers. Some of these games may help with communication or kinky secrets, some may be for sex parties, but others just may be simple quick fun to use as foreplay. Over the next few months we will share with our readers different games we have came up with. If you and your partner have your own games, please share in the comments below!

semen saysSemen Says: Simon Says with a twist! You can play this with a single partner, at a swinging party, at a gay party, or wherever you feel the rules can apply. One player (male) must be Semen Says. Anything Semen Says, you must do. The trick here is, Semen Says cannot get an erection. Ex: Player 1 says, “Semen says lick under both of my arms for 30 seconds.”  If Player 2 (or multiple other players) licks under Player 1’s arms, and Player 1 gets an erection, his turn is over. You can create your own rules, but for ideas sake, if Player 1 gets an erection he must give oral sex to Player 2 (or all other players involved) until Player 2 orgasms. However, if Player 2 refuses to lick under Player 1’s arms, Player 2 must give oral sex to Player 1 until he cums. Now why would Player 2 refuse a request? Who knows, maybe it’s something she/he has never thought of doing, doesn’t want to do because it crosses a personal boundary, or Player 2 is just horny and wants to suck Semen Says dick. Obviously this game needs at least one man. This game is also a great ice breaker for fmf (female/male/female) threesomes, which as our readers know, is something we enjoy ourselves. Having the man challenge the ladies to do different kinky things to him until he inevitably gets an erection gets everyone to relax. When he loses, he gets to spend the rest of the night pleasuring them for winning the game. It’s a win win. With an even larger group (mmff++), Semen Says gets more foreplay attention from various partners….until of course he losses.

So why would anyone want to be Semen Says when the goal is for him to lose? Well, the easiest answer first; you get to give oral sex and get your partner off. The other reasons are a bit more complicated.  It’s also great way to ask for something you may never ask for otherwise. Whether it be having your feet licked, ass licked, or whatever other kinks you have kept to yourself. Believe it or not, some couples do not have, or have never had oral sex, so a game like this could be a great way to break the ice and try new things.

So don’t disregard the game if you are just a couple playing together (no need to have threesomes or multiple partners to enjoy this game).  Especially if you are a new couple, young couple, or just two people that have a hard time communicating.  This game gives permission to Semen Says to ask for the things he would never ask for otherwise.

So this game is good for couples still learning to communicate sexually, great for breaking the ice during a threesome, and just balls out fun with multiple partners at a swinging party.

We actually have a few more games we will share at a future date.  Stay tuned.

For now, Semen says sign off the internet and enjoy the rest of your week!

 

Are Humans Monogamous or Polygamous?

A great article by Daniel Engber of slate.com regarding the monogamous or polygamous nature of humans.  Read below:

monkey 4someWhat makes us different from all the other animals? Is it our swollen brains, our idle hands, or perhaps our limber thumbs? In 2011, a research team reviewed the quirks of human DNA and came across another oddly shaped appendage that makes us who we are: I mean, of course, man’s smooth and spineless member. The penises of lots of mammals are endowed with “horny papillae,” hardened bumps or spikes that sometimes look like rows of studs on a fancy condom. These papillae enhance sensation, or so it has been claimed, and shorten a mating male’s delay to climax. Since humans lost their phallic bumps several million years ago, it could be that we evolved to take it slow. And it could also be the case that longer-lasting sex produced more intimate relationships.

So (one might argue that) the shedding of our penis spines gave rise to love and marriage, and (one could also say that) our tendency to mate in pairs pushed aside the need for macho competition, which in turn gave us the chance to live together in large and peaceful groups. Life in groups has surely had its perks, not least of which is that it led to bigger brains and a faculty for language, and perhaps a bunch of traits that served to civilize and tame us. And so we’ve gone from horny papillae to faithful partners—from polygamy to monogamous humanity.

I like this story well enough, but it may or may not be true. In fact, not all penis spines in nature serve to quicken sex—orangutans have fancy ones but waste a quarter of an hour in the act—so we don’t know what to make of our papillae or the lack thereof. That won’t stop anyone from wondering.

Since we like to think that how we mate defines us, the sex lives of ancient hominids have for many years been examined in computer simulations, by measuring the circumferences of ancient bones, and by applying the rules of evolution and economics. But to understand the contentious field of paleo-sexology, one must first address the question of how we mate today, and how we’ve mated in the recent past.

 

KE4dxqKAccording to anthropologists, only 1 in 6 societies enforces monogamy as a rule. There’s evidence of one-man-one-woman institutions as far back as Hammurabi’s Code; it seems the practice was further codified in ancient Greece and Rome. But even then, the human commitment to fidelity had its limits: Formal concubines were frowned upon, but slaves of either sex were fair game for extramarital affairs. The historian Walter Scheidel describes this Greco-Roman practice as polygynous monogamy—a kind of halfsy moral stance on promiscuity. Today’s Judeo-Christian culture has not shed this propensity to cheat. (If there weren’t any hanky-panky, we wouldn’t need the seventh commandment.)

In The Myth of Monogamy, evolutionary psychologists David P. Barash and Judith Eve Lipton say we’re not the only pair-bonding species that likes to sleep around. Even among the animals that have long been known as faithful types—nesting birds, etc.—not too many stay exclusive. Most dally. “There are a few species that are monogamous,” says Barash. “The fat-tailed dwarf lemur. The Malagasy giant jumping rat. You’ve got to look in the nooks and crannies to find them, though.” Like so many other animals, human beings aren’t really that monogamous. Better to say, we’re monogamish.

 

hotmonkeysexThat –ish has caused no end of trouble, for lovers and for scientists. Efforts to define our sexual behavior often run afoul of humans’ in-between-ness. Take one common proxy measure of how a primate species copulates: testis size. A male that’s forced to share its partners might do well to make each ejaculation count by firing off as many sperm as possible. Chimpanzees mate rather freely and show a high degree of male-male competition. They also have giant balls, for blowing away their rivals’. Gorillas, on the other hand, have their sexual dynamics more worked out: The alpha male has all the sex; the other males are screwed. Since there’s less chance of going head-to-head on ejaculations, tesis size isn’t so important. Gorilla balls are pretty small. And what about a man’s testes? They’re not so big and not so little. They’re just eh.

Male gorillas may not one-up each other with their testes, but they do rely on other traits to get and keep their harems. That’s why male gorillas are so huge and fearsome: so they can fight off other males for social dominance. Within a species, the difference between the male and female body type yields another proxy for mating habits: The bigger the gap in body size, the more competitive the males, and the greater the inclination toward polygynous arrangements. So how does the split between human men and women compare to that of other primates? We’re sort of in the middle.

bonobos-400x300Seeing as we’re neither one thing nor the other, scientists have been left to speculate on how our ancestors might have done their thing. Were they like gorillas, where most males suffered while one dude enjoyed the chance to spread his seed? Or more like chimpanzees—sleeping around, with males competing for multiple partners? Or is there another possibility, like the one championed by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá in their best-selling and soundlycriticized paean to free love, Sex at Dawn? According to that book’s authors, our ancestors did as bonobos do: They had rampant sex without much bickering.

Such discussions tend to dead-end quickly, though, since we just don’t know for sure. Our most recent relatives in common with these other primates lived about 6 million years ago. (I suppose if bonobos could be anthropologists, one of them might write a book on whether bonobo sexuality evolved from something humanlike.) “What this really is,” says Barash, “is a Rorschach test for the people asking the question.”

We do have data on human mating trends, but the record tends to be a little spotty. In 2010, a team in Montreal completed its analysis of breeding ratios for Homo sapiens based on a careful study of DNA. By measuring diversity in the human chromosomes, the researchers tried to figure out what proportion of the breeding pool has been composed of females. They found a ratio of slightly more than one-to-one, meaning that there were at least 11 ladies for every minyan of procreating men. But the math they used turned out to be a little wonky, and after making some corrections, they revised the numbers up a bit toward a ratio of 2. These estimates, they wrote, are still within the range you’d find for societies described as “monogamous or serially monogamous, although they also overlap with those characterizing polygyny.” Once again—we’re monogamish.

 

studygraphAt what point in hominid evolution did this in-between behavior appear? Paleontologist Owen Lovejoy published fossil specimens in 2009 from Ardipithecus ramidus, which lived 4.4 million years ago. He used the newly described species as evidence for the hominids’ great transition to (mostly) one-on-one relationships. Ardiwalked on two legs, which freed its hands for carrying food, and males that carried food, he says, were thus enabled to take that food to females. They’d evolved a way to pitch woo and bring home the bacon. By this stage in evolution, sexual dimorphism had been diminished, too, and so had other signs of male-on-male competition. Taken together, Lovejoy wrote in Science, these data points suggest “a major shift in life-history strategy [that] transformed the social structure of early hominids.” Males and females had started pairing off, and dads learned how to support their families.

A computation-minded researcher at the University of Tennessee, Sergey Gavrilets, finished up a study in May of how that transition might have followed the laws of natural selection. It’s not an easy puzzle. Gavrilets explains that a polygynous mating scheme can lead to a “vicious circle” where males waste their time and energy in fighting over females. The group might be better off if everyone split off into happy, hetero-pairs and worked on caring for their babies. But once you’ve started wars for sex, there’s an evolutionary push to keep them going. So Gavrilets set up a computer model to see if any movement toward monogamy might conform to what we know of evolution. He found that a shift in female preference for mates that offer food and child care could have made it happen. (Low-ranked males might also favor relationships with partners that didn’t cheat.)

Gavrilets says he needs to check his model against a few more theories of how human-style partnerships evolved—including one that involves the invention of cooked food. But he’s made the case, at least, that biology could lead to modern love, without any help from law or custom. “Culture came much later,” he told a reporter in the spring, “and only augmented things that were already in place.”

That’s one idea, but the study of monogamy takes all kinds. Others have been more interested in the culture and the customs. In January, a scholar named Joe Henrich published with his colleagues an account of how and why the one-partner system might have spread as a social norm. The paper points out that marriage customs are not the same as mating strategies. (They are related, though: We tend to internalize the rules of the society we live in, so “doing right” becomes its own reward.) The authors argue that when a society gets big enough and sufficiently complex, it’s advantageous for its culture to promote monogamy, or at least monogamishness.

3835402590_16795a50a2Why? Because polygamy causes problems. Henrich, et al., review a large amount of evidence to support the claim that the multiwife approach leaves lots of men unmarried and so inclined to act in risky, angry ways. These bachelors are a menace: They increase the rates of crime and conflict, and lower productivity. In China, for example, a preference for male babies skewed the gender ratio quite dramatically from 1988 to 2004. In that time, the number of unmarried men nearly doubled, and so did crime. In India, murder rates track with male-to-female ratios across the country’s states. Using these and other data, the authors argue that a culture of monogamy would tend to grow and thrive. It would be the fittest in its niche.

Of course it’s also possible that high rates of conflict lead to cases of polygamy. Walter Scheidel points out that the ancient ban on multimarriage was suspended near the end of the Peloponnesian War, with so many soldiers dead that potential husbands were in short supply. Which raises the tricky question of how monogamy relates to war: Some have argued that pair-bonding leads to larger, stronger armies and more battle-ready people. Henrich, et al., suggest the opposite, that men with wives are less inclined to go to war, which weakens despots and promotes democracy.

The answer may be something in the middle, as it often is when it comes to the science of monogamy. Some cultures have made the practice into law and others haven’t. Even our human physiology seems undecided on the issue. At every level of analysis, it’s hard to say exactly what we are or how we live. We’re faithful and we’re not. We’re lovers and we’re cheaters.