Q&A: Am I Crazy? Sexually Frustrated Wife Needing Help

My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years, married for almost 5. Our relationship is generally very good but there is a constant issue that we’ve had for the past few years and that is SEX.

I’m 29, husband is 27. I want sex ALL THE TIME, all day everyday. My husband is content with sex once a week or every two weeks even. It’s definitely slowed from a few years ago. I initiate almost every night and almost always get refused by him.

Worst of all there have been a couple of times I’ve caught him watching porn while I am asleep in bed, and he says it’s because sex is too much work.

We have two kids under 5 he likes to blame but I make sure they’re asleep in their own beds by 9pm every single night, so now he likes to blame work instead. He’s now too tired to have sex. Funny thing is I work 30 hours a week, go to university full time, be a wife and mom, and I’m still not too tired for sex.

I don’t know what to do. We rehash this issue all the time, it turns into arguments all the time. We have a happy marriage otherwise, and I don’t want to be with anyone else. But he makes me feel silly, crazy, or abnormal telling me that it’s all me and I have a higher than average sex drive. He says once every 1-2 weeks is normal for a couple who’s been together as long as we have with two young kids, but I have other friends with kids who say they get sex more often than I do. When I tell him this he laughs and says they are lying to make themselves look better than us.

I’ve told H that I know it’s unrealistic for me to expect him to give it to me every day since his drive is low but can’t he go twice a week then? I think I could compromise with that. Once a week if even is just way too little for me.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve even threatened to leave him over this…. It’s not all about how much I want sex but also how inconsiderate or careless he is about my feelings and desires in our relationship. Sometimes I feel that all that matters to him is if he’s satisfied, he couldn’t care less if I am or not. I cry myself to sleep next to him in bed sometimes and he rarely comforts me or tells me that he’s sorry he can’t keep up with me. Many times he just rolls over and ignores me, possibly from guilt.

Am I wrong in wanting more sex?  Am I crazy?  What advice do you have?

Venice’s response:
Wow. I think these types of situations are interesting because it is usually the woman who is “too tired” for sex, or at least portrayed that way. You are definitely NOT silly, crazy, or abnormal for wanting sex more than once every couple of weeks, unlike your husband. Looks to me like you’ve done all the right things to make it more conducive for you to get sex from your husband.

You do so much to make sure he has no excuses (at home). I commend you for that. I would make a very detailed list of all the things that you’ve done to make your marriage work. Explain to him that you believe that intimacy, i.e. making time for each other, having regular sex, are some of the building blocks of maintaining a strong marriage. I get very upset if I can’t get some form of intimate time with my husband. I’m a strong believer in starting each day and ending each night by showing our love for each other. It reaffirms the commitment we made to each on our wedding day. It also shows him that he’s first on my mind when I wake up and last on it when I go to bed. Intimacy is a continual cycle, and that’s what your husband needs to see, too. Family, jobs, school…whatever the reason…should not deter either of you from reminding the other that you need to be with each other physically to bond and connect on a primal level.

If he keeps rejecting you, it may lead to you no longer wanting sex or intimacy with him, attention, and eventually love. Don’t threaten to leave him, don’t threaten to “get it from someone else.” Be realistic. Tell him that you’re afraid you will grow tired of the one-way effort that you put in. Once it gets to that point, it will be hard for the both of you to recapture that love. If he sees that he is wrong and promises to work on changing, good. Tell him that you’ve been asking for intimacy and attention for a long time now, and that you don’t want it from anybody else. Tell him that he’s the only one who can make you feel like a woman, that you need his mouth on you, his dick in you, his arms holding you down; you need him to feel wanted by him. Tell him it gets you through the day when the kids act up, when you’re mentally exhausted from studying, and when your body is tired from working. Tell him that he’s the constant that you can depend on to never talk back, give you an F, or fire you from your job. Tell him that he, as a man, YOUR MAN, should be PROUD to be this person in your life.

Ryan’s response:
First, you’re definitely not crazy.

This answer should be easy because it’s something a lot of couples have problems with.   Usually it’s the husband that wants more sex, but that won’t change my advice.  Intimacy should be practiced daily.   For me, sex is the ultimate form of intimacy.  Nothing makes me feel closer to my wife than having sex with her, or just being nude with each other and letting our tongues and mouths explore each other’s naked bodies.   As I’ve said many times on this blog:  You should exercise each day to keep a healthy heart, the same as you should exercise intimacy each day to keep a healthy marriage.

Wanting intimacy doesn’t make you crazy.  Hopefully your husband is a reasonable man and understands compromise.  Find the balance of what he wants, figure out what you need, and maybe figure out a middle ground you can both be happy with.

I’ve heard scheduling days for intimacy has helped some couples.  Although some may prefer intimacy and sex to be totally spontaneous, there are some people that are just schedule minded.  If sex and intimacy were part of your schedule, your husband may start initiating.   That is something you’d have to figure out on your own, as every person is different and unique and no advice I can give would be perfect for your scenario.

Personally I find it selfish and neglectful when a spouse puts their “I don’t need” in front of their significant other’s “need.”   For me it’s almost like someone who is full and totally satisfied, not feeding the person they say they love more than anything in the world food, when they are starving.  According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs (future blog), the need for sex is equivalent to our need for food (sleep, breathing, water, homeostatis, excretion).  If you are starving for intimacy, it isn’t a good feeling.

TAGS: Sexually Frustrated, sexually frustrated, I want too much sex