My Top 11 Biggest Fears of Public Bathrooms

public bathrooms11. No toilet paper.  If there’s ever a time when I have to use a public restroom, it’s because I really, really have to go.  And in my rush, I’ll fail to check if there’s toilet paper.  Then I have to either dig in my purse and hope I have tissue in there, even if they’re crumpled up in the bottom next to gum wrappers and pennies..or drip dry.  I don’t know what’s worse – granola bar crumbs stuck to my labias or sticky panties.

10. Little kids peeping between the cracks in the stall door.  It’s happened to me a few times.  I can see how women take little boys into the women’s bathroom because they’re too young to go into the men’s room by themselves. But if you’re going to have your son wait INSIDE the ladies room, at least have him turn around and face the corner Blair Witch style.  Because for the next 3-4 minutes, my stall and the 1″ crack in the door is my personal space.

9. No soap or paper towels.  I once went to the bathroom that had an extremely long line so I ended up waiting in line against the wall.  To my dismay, out of the next five people that came out of the stalls, three of them didn’t even bother to wash their hands. OH GOD! There was soap!  There were paper towels!  What were they thinking?  Not even a quick rinse under the faucet – nothing.  For the record, this bathroom was in Disney World. Certainly not the happiest place on earth.

8. My panties touching the toilet bowl.  Being a creature who pees when she sits can be a curse.  There have been times when I didn’t realize I haven’t pulled my panties all the way down and – ugh – they touch the toilet seat.  Can it get any worse than that!?  It’s like I’ve shared the same toilet paper with hundreds of women before me.  I don’t know if you can get STDs from that, but I wouldn’t doubt the possibility.

7. No purse hook on the door.  I have seen some disgusting yellow-colored fluid covered floors in a lot of bathrooms, and the last place I want to set my purse down is on the floor.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to use the bathroom while still holding on to an oversized purse?  I try to fanagle the handle on the corner of the door, and when I see it creeping toward the edge about to fall off, I panic. At that point it becomes an awkward balancing act and I feel like a Chinese-plate spinner, only instead of plates, I am trying to keep my purse off the ground, my panties off the toilet seat, collecting enough toilet paper in my hands, all while in a half squatting position.

6. A very, very tight stall.  When possible, I use the handi-stall because of the ample room.  If I’m lucky I get my own sink.  I don’t have to worry about my clothes/purse touching the toilet or the feminine pad container.  With a super tiny stall, I’m restricted to super tiny movements and pirouetting like a ghetto ballerina.

5. The motion sensor in the toilet goes off prematurely.  The sensor could be my best friend or my worse enemy.  I don’t have to touch the flush handle – always a plus.  But if I’m not ready, I get back splash.  Fucking gross.  Maybe it’s wrong to assume that the motion sensor should go off when I open the stall door.

4. Waiting for other people in the other stalls to leave first so there’s no awkward moments at the sink.  There’s always some lady next to me who pulls out her hairbrush, lipstick, or some other girly thing to primp herself.  I just check if there’s anything between my teeth, wash my hands and go.  But I feel like I should be doing more…

3. People thinking I made the smell.  I hate walking into a bathroom and there is already a lingering funk of crap.  I assume it’s the person already in the stall.  While I’m using the bathroom, that person will, of course, leave before I get out.  Then, someone will come in and assume the same thing of me.  It’s the circle of life.

2. Hidden camera in vents.  Even now, I still look through ceiling vents to make sure there isn’t a flashing red light or a gadget that should not be there.  I’m haunted by the possibility of ending up on some hidden camera site and ending up like one of Chuck Berry’s victims (see here

1. Port-a-Potties.  This is the ultimate in nightmare public bathrooms.  They’re never clean. Ever. I’ve yet to come out of one and say, “That wasn’t so bad.”  Using the putrid hole o’crap reminds me of being on Fear Factor, being challenged to use the bathroom without touching the anything except the floor with my feet.  Or worse, ending up with this happening to me What a bunch of shit stirrers, pun totally intended.

Honorable mentions:  Airplane bathrooms (mile high club, no thank you), bus bathrooms (moving port-a-potties), public park bathrooms (peeping toms and George Michael), rest stop bathrooms (the gay mans original craigslist)

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