November 15, 2013

Freaky Friday Search Terms – men with clits

Freaky Search Terms , , , , , , No Comments

freakyfriday

Each week we will post our most outrageous search terms that people used to find our website that week.  Ryan and I will then share our own thoughts and hopefully entertain you guys or at least make the search term make a little less sense.

Each search term was gathered by wordpress and/or google statistics and they are all very real search terms.   Each search term was used by some person in the world that ended up on our page.

10. cum on my top
Ryan: I got nothing here.
Venice: It’s going to be one of those days I guess?
Ryan:  Well, I mean, what really can I say about ‘cum on my top’
Venice: Maybe we can work that ‘Cum on my top?  My sleeves or  collar ‘ angle?
Ryan: No, you can work that angle if you want, I’m going to sit out this search term.  I can’t force the magic to happen, it just does.
Venice: Oh dear.  What a diva.

9. penis contest
Venice: And the biggest dick award goes to…
Ryan: …
Ryan: Do you want me to drum roll?
Drum roll sound
Venice: Aww, you are smiling and waiting for me to finish?
Ryan: … hell yea!
Drum roll sound
Venice: Wait, what was I saying again?
Ryan: … something about the biggest penis I think.
Drum roll sound
Venice: Are you sure?
Ryan: … yes, I am positive. Go ahead, finish …
Drum roll sound
Venice: And the cutest penis I have ever seen goes to …
Drum roll sound
Venice: … Ryan!
Ryan:  Oh wow, that just went from Best Actor to Best Original Soundtrack for an Obscure Black and White Documentary.
Venice: Yay!  You won!

8. men with clits
Venice: That guy definitely didn’t win.
Ryan: Touché.

7. my wife doesn’t like my cock
Venice: That sucks.
Ryan:  Well, I removed that one tattoo that you didn’t like, maybe he could try that?
Venice: Are you saying he should remove his cock?
Ryan: I mean, she may like him better without it?
Venice: Your butt cheek is much sexier without that tweety bird tattoo.
Ryan: Really, a tweety bird tattoo?  For the joke’s sake you couldn’t give me like a cooler butt cheek tattoo to remove?
Venice: Like Roy Orbison?
Ryan: Waterboy!

6. the rules of swallowing cum
Venice: You must show your man his hard work and let him enjoy the visual of his cum in your mouth prior to swallowing.
Ryan: Yes.  Great rule.
Venice: While showing your stallion his delicious juices, you must make cute little sperm bubbles on your lips and let them pop all over your face.
Ryan: Yes.  She definitely knows her rule book here.
Venice: Before swallowing, you must savor his flavor and gargle while he watches.
Ryan: An older rule, but that is definitely accurate.
Venice: You can also push the sperm back and forth through your teeth to show him you want his flavor to marinate all throughout your mouth.
Ryan: Absolutely, he must marinate.  That’s an important rule for sure.
Venice: Finally, you must grab him by his throat, force his lips open, and spit it back in his mouth so he can also do all of the above as well.
Ryan: Uh, that’s definitely not a rule.
Venice: Well it should be.
Ryan: I will talk to the rule makers of swallowing and discuss that idea.  If for whatever reason the rule makers agree to your suggestion , there is still a lot of paperwork and red tape involved in the rule changing process.  Honestly, it’s really not even worth the effort.
Venice: Uh huh.
Ryan: Seriously, let’s keep these rules simple for our readers’ sake.

5. wake up with dick in her pussy
Venice: This happened to me once. Freaked me out because I knew you weren’t in me when I fell asleep
Ryan: Freaked me out too because I wasn’t in you when we woke up either.
Venice: …
Ryan: Kermit?
Venice: Busted!

I once came home and Venice put her pants in the living room.  Her panties were thrown on the couch, and she put her bra on the bedroom door knob.  I walked into the bedroom and she popped out of from under the covers and said, “Ryan!?”  Then she grabbed her life sized Kermit the Frog stuffed animal and made him pop up from underneath the covers and look at me too.  In her best Kermit the Frog voice she said, “Ryan?!”

I later jacked off on her Miss Piggy stuffed anmal and made Kermit watch.  (Read article here)

4. is it wrong to cum on my wife while she is asleep
Ryan: That depends on if she fell asleep during intercourse?  You get to finish what she starts no matter what sleep stage she is in.
Venice: My suggestion would be, whether she started it or not, to do it when she’s in deep sleep.
Ryan: I don’t know if that’s even legal.
Venice: When a tree falls in a lonely forest, does it make a sound?
Ryan: No, but when a woman wakes up with sticky stuff all over her in the morning, she may make a sound then.
Venice: Yea, but what about the tree?
Ryan: …
Venice: You see, you and the tree are one.
Ryan: Stop trying to confuse me.

3. my wife’s body is nude when she is sleeping on youtube
Venice: Was she sticky?
Ryan: Did youtube capture any sounds?
Venice: The magic?
Ryan: Oh yea, it’s flowing right now.

2. do sluts have loose vaginas
Ryan: When I go to prison I’m going to need a non-slut for sure.  It’s really not possible for a slut to secretly carry my contraband supplies in with a loose vagina. She’ll walk up to the prison guard and when he says, “Spread them,” a fucking toaster oven falls out of her crotch like nothing happened.  Not good, not good at all.
Venice:  Don’t worry Ryan, I’m tight enough to hold that toaster oven in place even if I have to spread them.  I’ll be your Bonnie.
Ryan: Hell yea.  This is going to be great.

1. how to self suck your own dick and eat your own cum
Venice: Step 1, remove your bottom rib.  Step 2, stretch.  Step 3, have a two-foot long penis.
Ryan: That’s funny, because you just told me to get on my shoulders.  Then you pushed my ass down to my shoulders until my dick flopped against my face.
Venice: Wow, TMI.
Ryan: It happened.  Just accept it.
Venice: Can I get some TMI with those fries?
Ryan: Accept it.  You made me slap my own face with my cock.
Venice: … and I’m done here!

November 14, 2013

Random Moments With Us – Kermit the Frog

Life & Random Moments , , , , , , 1 Comment

kermitthefrogOne day I came home late from work.  This was when Venice and I had our first apartment and neither of us owned a cell phone.  I didn’t call or anything, but when I got home I saw Venice’s shoes thrown in random places in the living room.  I also noticed that she had a pair of work pants on the floor and a pair of panties on the arm of the couch.  Not really understanding what was going on, I walked over to our bedroom door and on the door knob was her bra.  I also heard her in the room moaning.  I immediately jerked the door open and ran over to the bed.  As soon as I grabbed the covers Venice popped up from underneath them and looked back at me surprised and said, “Ryan?!”  She then took her hand and made her life sized Kermit the Frog stuffed animal doll appear from underneath the covers as well.  She made him turn and look at me, and with her best Kermit the Frog voice, “Ryan?!”  Of course at that point she started laughing hysterically.

She got me.

To this day if she sees Kermit on television or in a photo she will smile, teasingly bite her fingernail, look at me, and Bambi blink.

What happen to the Kermit doll?  Well, I tied his arms behind his back without rope.  Basically I took his little skinny stuffed arms and tied them in a knot.  Then I sat him there on the couch while I made him watch me jack off over his Miss Piggy doll. When I was done I grabbed him by his green neck and rubbed his face in it and said to him, “Look at me, I DID THIS TOO YOU.”  Then I chopped off both of his green hands and threw the rest of him in a black plastic bag.  I then took the bag to Goodwill so all the other stuffed animals could see what happens when one of them gets brave and messes with my girl.

I kept the hands and made a necklace out of them.

Ok, I didn’t do any of that.  Venice wouldn’t let me.  To this day, 15 years later, we still have that fucking Kermit.  I did put him in the attic though and I hope he is uncomfortable!

November 14, 2013

Threesome Memoirs: Pat the Squirter

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Threesome Memoirs: Table of Contents

pat the squirterI will be totally honest with you, I have no idea if this next prospect was a man or woman.   For future references, I will just call it, Pat the Squirter.

Now, me calling Pat the Squirter a prospect is extremely misleading.  It was never a prospect.  It was actually one of the first persons I communicated with about the possibility of a threesome, and it never went beyond talking through a website, email messages, and yahoo messenger.  I met this person, supposedly a single woman, on the swinging website I have mentioned multiple times in the past, swinglifestyle.com.  Since it’s against that website’s TOS (Terms Of Service) to talk about different members of that website openly, I will not mention any real specifics.

Pat the Squirter was interesting indeed.  She originally contacted me with pictures attached of her (or someone’s) vagina spread wide open and the sheets soaking wet.  Within her first or second sentence of introducing herself, she asked, “You aren’t turned off by women who squirt right?  Because I squirt all over.  I can’t control it.”

She went on to talk about all the different locations she liked to meet up with couples in our city and all her favorite hotels.  She’d talk about certain hotels where she had probably squirted on every comforter blanket in each room (Hampton Inn — stay away).  She was proud of that.   With each picture she sent she got nastier and more graphic.  The bodies of the women seemed a bit different with every picture set, but I just assumed she was getting older or some of the pictures were from years ago.  I also assumed, some women in this lifestyle live in their past or have pictures they love from years ago.  Eventually she asked for some of my pictures and I replied,  “I will need to call you for phone verification first.”

She then went into multiple reasons why should could never text or talk on the phone.  Reason 1: She was in the process of a messy divorce and she would lose everything if she had random numbers on her phone records.  Reason 2: She was from a rich family that is very known in the city we are from, and if word got out her family would disown her.  She needed to make sure we didn’t know each other in real life before she spoke on the phone with me.  Reason 3: She has moved out of her home and the lady she cares for monitors her very closely and gets annoyed by phone calls of any kind. Reason 4: She no longer has a phone and was going to pick up a cheap one when she got a chance.

Now, what exactly could she do?  Well, apparently she could be on yahoo messenger and email 24 hours a day because once I gave out my information, she wouldn’t leave me alone.  She claims she was being  monitored closely, but she could sit at her computer all day and nothing could be traced (yea right).  Truthfully, I set up my first yahoo messenger account just to talk with Pat the Squirter, because that is what she insisted on.  I had one friend on yahoo messenger, her.  After a few weeks of talking on y! messenger and hearing each of the different reasons why she couldn’t phone verify, I got tired of dealing with her.  Unfortunately, she didn’t get tired of me.

She’s probably the first person I had to literally email block.  Why?  Because she was completely bat shit crazy and would not stop sending me messages.  After I blocked her emails and y! messages, maybe a month or so later, I got a random message on yahoo from “hungandhandsom384039”, or some weird variation.  Like with Pat the Squirter, this person would message me over and over for days, with no response.  I had my notifications turned off, so when I finally did see all the missed messages, it didn’t take much for me to figure out the only other person on earth with my  yahoo messenger name was, Pat the Squirter.  Therefore, one could conclude that this new person, with a man’s name, was Pat.  Did I ever ask?  No.  I blocked the other name as well and uninstalled yahoo messenger.

I eventually got to know a few other couples and singles off the same swinging website, and low and behold, each of them had the same exact story.  Of course, Pat’s name changed per which personality she decided she was going to be, her story changed, her city changed, but the fact she was a squirter was pretty consistent.  Her not talking to any of them on the phone was pretty consistent too.  If I would bring up her account name to a few new friends, the first thing I would hear was, “Oh my god, don’t talk with her, she is crazy as hell.”

Was Pat the Squirter totally down to have a threesome?  Yes.  Was she totally down to do everything we wanted within our limits?  Sure!  Although she did tell me at one point, “All women say they want their men to have a limited role but as soon as I am ass up and naked in the hotel room, most women end up watching their husbands plow into me with their hard cocks, fuck me like a rabbit, and bury their balls in me as they try to cum as deep in my stomach as they can.”

I laughed, I blocked, and I learned one of my first lessons in opening up my bedroom to a possible stranger. Phone verification, phone verification, phone verification.

Pat, Bella (Bill), Carla (Carl), Donna (Don), whatever your name is…  get help.

November 13, 2013

How To Have A Threesome, even with your wife or girlfriend!

Threesome Memoirs , , , , 2 Comments

threesome 1

How to have a threesome!  26,000 people recommended this on Facebook?  This website has been recommended by the E! channel?  The same channel that gives us Talk Soup and The Anna Nicole Show?!?  That can’t be!  And I thought E! actually had standards.  I will never trust their TMZ updates again!

Anyway, I was checking out different Google keywords and I saw this infomercial website.   For $47, no, $27, you can unlock the secrets to having a threesome.  There are secrets? I guess this was something that every drunk college frat boy and everyone on “Girls Gone Wild” are only privy to.  And to answer your next question, yes, you can even have a threesome with your wife or girlfriend involved!  I know it’s tempting, in fact, I feel bad for even blogging this because one of our foreign readers is going to actually think I am suggesting they really purchase this.

Chinese follower, Google translate this please:  I WAS BEING SARCASTIC.  DO NOT PURCHASE THIS PRODUCT.

Product review:  “Omg!  This is amazing how  well this works!  I didn’t even have to use  chloroform, roofies, ropes, or prostitutes either!  $27 only?  I’d pay 27 million for this type of information!”

how to have a threesome

 

 

November 13, 2013

Threesome Memoirs: Crazy Men

Threesome Memoirs , , , 1 Comment

Threesome Memoirs: Table of Contents

crazy menLet’s face it, most men are overly possessive and hyper sexual.  I say that knowing that the majority of my readers are men.  I also say that knowing my best friend, lover, and soulmate, is a man, and yes, he is also overly possessive and hyper sexual.  For me, it’s a good fit.  I can keep up with him sexually and the possessiveness makes me feel safe and secure.  If he weren’t as possessive, I would feel unwanted.  If he weren’t as sexual, I would feel unsexy and undesired.  Like I said, for me, it works.  For some women?  It absolutely does NOT work.

Why am I making these broad generalizations about men in my Threesome Memoirs?  You could guess that this is the section where I break down the different issues I am having with Ryan and him being too possessive, which for me, makes me uncomfortable meeting new people.   You’d guess wrong.  This is the section where I realize that the Internet and my local area are filled with men who literally want to save me from the wrath of my bad husband, my bad decisions, and my wanting a threesome.  Yes, men I do not know want to save me from all my bad choices I’ve made up until this point.  Does that make sense?

The Bluetooth Truth Whisperer:
Listen sweetie, I understand you are confused.  I get it.  I’ve learned that most women on dating sites searching for threesomes or another partner of the same sex, really just aren’t happy at home and disguise their needs behind any drastic change.  You’re bisexual because it’s the safest way for you to step out of your relationship.  Trust me, I get you.  Don’t suffer with him any longer sweetheart, you’re too beautiful to be unhappy.  Sincerly yours, your next man.”

Sometimes the truth is just too hard to face and The Bluetooth Truth Whisperer just hit me in the face with a pound of knowledge.  I had a few decisions to make in my response.  I could either say (option A) “Thanks for your input, I will take into consideration what you said before I move forward with the different decisions I am making in my current relationship.”   I could say, (option B) “I’m a big girl, I think I got this.  As you are learning about the different female personalities on dating websites have you learned anything about yourself?  What exactly do you hope to accomplish, as a man, browsing dating websites talking to different women who are looking for threesomes or bisexual experiences with other women?”  Or I could say, (option C) nothing and totally ignore his original message.  Option C is soooo boring and doesn’t sound like much fun.  I went with option A for now, because I have a weird feeling that I can easily follow up with option B in a later correspondence.  Plus option A makes for a juicer blog because I’m saving each message for our readers.

bluetoothThe Bluetooth Truth Whisperer:
I’m glad you can appreciate sound advice when you see it, sweetie.  Listen, if I were your man you would never have to worry about needing another woman or a threesome.  In fact, I find it disrespectful that a man would even suggest or be okay with having a threesome in the first place.  One woman is more than enough, especially when a man can appreciate everything he can do with one, like I do.  A woman needs to be cherrished and taken care of.  I can tell you are totally unhappy, but don’t think this is your fault.  It’s not.  You’re gorgeous and something tells me we have a lot more in common than you think.  Here is my personal email *******.******@gmail.com.   Also, here’s a picture of me as well.”

That is not the picture he sent, but it is extremely close.

So, if you are following along, I have now gone from exploring the option of meeting another woman and possibly having a threesome with my husband, to outright cheating with a black man that proudly wears a bluetooth in public.  Well, this definitely wasn’t in my plans, but I think the Bluetooth Truth Whisperer has different ideas.  Of course, I show Ryan the messages and picture.  He laughs and suggests I email him personally to see his next move.  Ryan’s reasoning, “This guy has all the moves you read about in those movies and shit.  You know, the ones where in the end he has your mouth sewn to another woman’s ass and is calling you a Human Centipede?  Maybe we can save a life by investigating further.”   I agree.

So I emailed him from a joint account I share with Ryan, “That’s a cool photo.  You know what they say about guys who wear bluetooths in public right?  Anyway, thanks for your messages, I have talked to my husband and we both agree that I’d rather keep pursuing a woman than email back and forth with a stranger about how my current relationship leaves me unhappy.  Thanks for your input though.”

The Bluetooth Truth Whisperer:
Why would you talk to your husband?  He is the one that left you unhappy in the first place.   Sweetheart, you still have so much more to learn.  A beautiful girl like you can be manipulated pretty easily so try to stay focused.  I know you are smart or else you wouldn’t have written me back to begin with.  Seriously, think about my first message to you, ok?  You are searching for something more and it isn’t a woman or a threesome.  Maybe you should call me and we can discuss this?  (***) ***-****.  Or at the least, text me so we can talk more direct.”

Ryan actually caught this email before me, as we both have access to the same account.  He sent me a text message and explained that the guy actually had his real name saved in his preferences, so when he wrote back it shows his actual name.  After a quick google search, I had his facebook account.  Sure enough, it was The Bluetooth Truth Whisperer.   The one thing he was definitely telling the truth about, we had a lot more in common than I thought.  He was married with kids.

Oh Facebook and Google, you cock blocking bastards.

So, I wrote back one final time, “Hey ******, the pictures of your wife and kids on your Facebook page look nice.  I’m sure your wife appreciates you browsing dating websites helping and counseling unhappy women such as myself.  Maybe I should contact her and thank her for having such a loving and giving husband.  Also, my sound advice to you?  Do not take selfies with a bluetooth in your ear.  Sincerly yours, your next fail.”

The Bluetooth Truth Whisperer:
For one, that’s not me in the picture.  Do you really think I am that dumb to use my real name or photo?   You will be harassing the wrong person.  Please leave me alone because I have zero tolerance for ignorance and stupid people.”

And that was the end of my correspondence with the Bluetooth Truth Whisperer.

You know, when I started writing today I had a few other men in mind I wanted to mention, but I just realized, this is plenty.  This was not the last time this technique was used, but the approach varies.  From helpful to angry, from hateful to anything just to get you to respond.  Once you respond, the guy will either send a cock photo or a selfie.  I am unsure if the cock photo is more of a way for them to get self gratification?  Like, “Fuckin’ A, she just saw my gosh damn cock and had no choice!  Fuck yea!”  Or men think that just by showing a woman his cock, just once, we will totally be brainwashed to want them forever.

Wrong.