One day I came home late from work. This was when Venice and I had our first apartment and neither of us owned a cell phone. I didn’t call or anything, but when I got home I saw Venice’s shoes thrown in random places in the living room. I also noticed that she had a pair of work pants on the floor and a pair of panties on the arm of the couch. Not really understanding what was going on, I walked over to our bedroom door and on the door knob was her bra. I also heard her in the room moaning. I immediately jerked the door open and ran over to the bed. As soon as I grabbed the covers Venice popped up from underneath them and looked back at me surprised and said, “Ryan?!” She then took her hand and made her life sized Kermit the Frog stuffed animal doll appear from underneath the covers as well. She made him turn and look at me, and with her best Kermit the Frog voice, “Ryan?!” Of course at that point she started laughing hysterically.
She got me.
To this day if she sees Kermit on television or in a photo she will smile, teasingly bite her fingernail, look at me, and Bambi blink.
What happen to the Kermit doll? Well, I tied his arms behind his back without rope. Basically I took his little skinny stuffed arms and tied them in a knot. Then I sat him there on the couch while I made him watch me jack off over his Miss Piggy doll. When I was done I grabbed him by his green neck and rubbed his face in it and said to him, “Look at me, I DID THIS TOO YOU.” Then I chopped off both of his green hands and threw the rest of him in a black plastic bag. I then took the bag to Goodwill so all the other stuffed animals could see what happens when one of them gets brave and messes with my girl.
I kept the hands and made a necklace out of them.
Ok, I didn’t do any of that. Venice wouldn’t let me. To this day, 15 years later, we still have that fucking Kermit. I did put him in the attic though and I hope he is uncomfortable!