Ryan: First let’s talk about the Man Rules. These rules are not up for debate and if you disagree with them, you probably aren’t a man. It really is that simple. With that being said, I’ve carefully weighed every man on Earth’s opinion and have come up with these Man Rules with Venice’s help.
Venice: Okay, so let me get this right. You have carefully weighed every man on Earth’s opinion? And how did you do that?
Ryan: Simple Venice, I asked them. You’d know that if you had been paying attention to me during the last few minutes as I typed this intro.
Venice: Oh I see, I was just checking. I didn’t realize that you were talking to every man on Earth in the last few minutes. Okay, so let’s move on.
Ryan: Yea, let’s. Cue the Man Rules.
Rule 1: If your wife likes you hairy, then stay hairy.
Ryan: However, don’t look at another man who isn’t hairy and judge him because his wife or girlfriend doesn’t want him to resemble Chewbacca. A man should never judge another man’s body…
Clause to Rule 1: …unless you are blogging and it’s your duty to be informative and entertaining.
Ryan: I added that last line to the rule clause to this man rule myself, because as a blogger, I really have no choice. As soon as I hit publish and leave my computer desk, if I judge another man for his ball fro, I have broken Rule 1.
Venice: As a woman, we definitely can judge a man’s body, it’s our God given right. If you decide to keep your balls hairy and disgusting, that’s your prerogative, but never, ever, EVER EVER EVER look at another man’s balls (I should stop this sentence right here), shaved absolutely perfect and pretty, and suggest he is anything other than a God sent from heaven for a woman’s mouth to enjoy. Capisce?
Rule 2: If you love your body hair but decide one day to get kinky, never just shave your pubic area while leaving your stomach hairy.
Ryan: There are no exceptions to this rule. If you shave your pubic area, you must shave your stomach and trim your chest. Nothing looks more awkward than seeing a person with a hair t-shirt. Not only is it obvious you have no idea what you are doing and shaved your balls without thinking it through, but it’s sloppy. It’s like wearing a fake turtle that doesn’t have sleeves, except much worse.
Venice: If there was one reason why men shouldn’t shave their pubic area and balls, it’s this phenomenon. The hair t-shirt. Being on social media and almost being forced to see random penises that tag me each day, nothing is worse than the hair t-shirt. I do not care if you have the biggest horse cock on earth, if your hair isn’t groomed properly, I probably spit up a little vomit in my mouth on sight.
Rule 3: Shaving or trimming your crotch and balls is a rite of passage. However, we do not fly airplanes when we do this ritual, so for the love of God, no landing strips. Or bermuda triangles, heart shapes, vagina V’s, or soul patches, ever.
Ryan: I’ve broken this rule somewhat, I have put your initial on my crotch before we were married. We all can’t be perfect, but I understand why this law exists.
Venice: There should be a clause there, because although I agree with everything said, the arrow shaped pubes should be okay, but only if you have a large cock. However, if your cock is small and you have an arrow pointing to it, you may as well be a woman.
Clause to Rule 3: You can have an arrow (The Arrow) shaped patch of hair if it points to an extremely large cock; however, if your balls hang lower than your penis, do not bring more attention to it by having The Arrow. You are not allowed to have any shapes, even The Arrow.
Ryan: Hah. That photo used is hilarious. So this guy above is basically within the Man Rules but because his penis does not go lower than his balls, technically he is breaking Rule 3.1?
Venice: Not technically, he is absolutely breaking Rule 3.1.
Ryan: What about when his balls shrivel up because it’s cold or something, then maybe his penis will hang lower?
Venice: That’s a good point.
Clause 2 to Rule 3: The penis must hang lower than the relaxed ball sac. No exceptions.
Ryan: Damn, looking at my own penis in that picture, I’d consider this a very dangerous Rule. I will just stay away from The Arrow, because if my balls feel heat but my penis is dipped in cold water, this Rule could possibly take away my manhood. Very disappointed this rule exists.
Venice: Judging by your picture, you are safe for The Arrow in that instance, but if the weather conditions were to change, I am unsure. Sorry Ryan, I don’t make the rules, I just follow them. Or you do…whatever.
Rule 4: If your penis is extremely small, shave your crotch, no exceptions.
Ryan: The one thing you should never do as a man is have a bush when your penis looks like a clit. Your dick must show at all times. That’s what makes you a man. If you have a bush and at times you can only see your little mushroom, your hair must go. If you can’t even see your mushroom like the picture above, shave immediately, no exceptions!
Venice: But doesn’t shaving with a small cock give the appearance of an infant baby?
Ryan: Yes, but a Man infant baby, and that’s why this is a Man Rule.
Venice: Oh okay. Not to mention, the pubes hold in more odor than shaved skin. As a woman who deepthroats, I can say, if the penis is long there is no way to smell or breath while a cock is down your throat, so men more well endowed do not always have to be shaved. It’s just not possible to breath or smell when deepthroating properly. However, if your penis is small, we will be able to breath, and we’d appreciate a little bit of courtesy. We won’t laugh at your cute little penis, if you keep it nice and shaved so we can enjoy sucking on your crotch while your tiny cock tickles our molars.
Ryan: And the obvious, shaving makes the cock look bigger. If you are under average, the last thing you want is hair on your balls an inch up your shaft making your penis appear smaller. Man Rules fellas, follow them.
Man Rule 5: Do not shave your penis for the first time and take pictures to post online while you still have razor bumps. It looks like herpes. Not okay guys.
Ryan: This rule should be a human rule, because it crosses over to both genders. I mean, you can’t help a few razor bumps, but you can always tell who has shaved for the first time.
Venice: Yea, the first few shaves always brings the bumps out. But for whatever reason, if you stay shaved, eventually your body gets used to it and you no longer get those razor bumps.
Ryan: I have learned that if I shave with the direction the hair grows, I do not get bumps. I get the appearance of nice shaved crotch, although it’s a bit rougher feeling. However, if you shave against your hair growth, it will flare up. Because the pubes are curly, most of them do not grow right and get stuck under your skin if you get too close of a shave.
Venice: Or if you have sex and grind your crotch immediately after you shave.
Rule 6: If you want your ass hole licked, shave it. If you do not have any intentions of your ass being licked, leave it alone.
Ryan: This one is a bit of a stretch, because I can see why real men just won’t shave their ass holes. I can also see why real men get paranoid when their women go near their ass holes with a tongue or finger.
Venice: In that case, those so called “real men” can suck a dick. I want a man who is fresh shaved with an ass I can run my tongue over the same as I would a woman. I love tasting my man, and if he wants me to enjoy his little secret, he needs to keep it shaved.
Ryan: Venice is Asian, so she doesn’t really have hair on her anus, but some of the women we have been with in threesomes miss this area. Not that we are licking strange asses, but just the look of it is a huge turn off. I can respect a woman who wants her man to shave his ass, because I know I wouldn’t want to lick some hairy ass hole.
Other DOs and DON’Ts:
- Lather your genital area with soap to make the shaving easier. If the soap gets too thin, re-lather. Shaving without lathering properly can lead to skin irritations, razor burn, or ingrown hairs.
- Always shave with the growth of the hair, not against. This will prevent ingrown hairs and razor burn. Although it won’t be as smooth, it will still look the same. You’re a man, it’s okay to be a little rough around the edges.
- Always use a new or sharp razor. The duller the razor, the more chances of getting a skin irritation, razor burn, or ingrown hairs. Dull razors pull (causing small trauma to your hair follicles) the hair rather than slicing through them smoothly like a sharp razor.
- Do not spray cologne or use aftershave on your genital area. In fact, never put cologne around your balls, unless you want to feel the equivalent of someone taking a razor and slowly slicing off the skin around your testicles.
- Do not pass over the shaving area one time and call it a day. Make sure you go over the area multiple times to get all stragglers. Shaving is like war time, never leave a man behind. Well, never leave a long pubic hair behind either. This would be like putting deodorant on one arm, shaving half your face, combing one side of your head, brushing only your top row of teeth, cleaning one hand, etc. The pubic area should not look like it’s going through chemotherapy. Rub your hand over your crotch area to make sure there are no random long hairs. A few passes with a sharp razor should be enough, but always double check. Use a mirror if you have to.
- Make sure to shave in the creases of your thighs, balls, and under your belly line. If you have a bit of weight, make sure you lift up the belly and get all your creases. There is nothing worse than having a perfectly shaved genital area but random hair patches in all your hard to reach creases. Grooming and taking care of yourself isn’t easy, and you should never half way groom.
- Shave at least up a few inches on your shaft from the base. Hair does grow on the actual shaft and it’s okay to shave there too. If you have a few random hairs midway up your cock, use tweezers.
Please leave your comments and your own Man Rules we may have missed below.
TAGS: how to shave your balls, how to shave your penis, how to shave your ass, how to shave your body, men who shave,