Photo Shoots Gone Wild

Eggnog teardrops and pink balls
Eggnog teardrops and pink balls

Don’t let the title fool you. This blog will not end up with 18-year-old white girls flashing their titties to us on webcam for e-beads.  This blog is more of a warning for guys out there married to an Asian wife who has wild ideas and a slight case of OCD.  Do not start a month long photo shoot unless you mean it.

I remember starting the XXXmas photo shoot thinking it was going to be fun and something we do for like five minutes a day.   Boy, was I wrong.  In fact, after the first photo shoot of me aiming my penis at a cookie and letting my liquids flow, watching Venice eat the entire cookie, and then dipping my dick in milk as she sipped, I was satisfied.   Maybe I just wanted to see her eat my juices off a cookie, which was actually a first for us, I think.  I am not counting the time I came in her ice cream and watched her lick it off her spoon, because technically ice cream is not food.  It’s more of a frozen liquid.   Anyway, after the December 1, 2012 cookie photo shoot, I could have went on with the rest of the month and never touched a camera again.  However, Venice had different plans.

Tonight, I come home and Venice had purchased a half gallon of eggnog, a baby medicine dropper/mini baster, and two rolls of gift wrap.   As the night went on, I noticed she had taped two pink ornament/balls to each gift wrap, about seven inches down (Apparently Santa is the man!).   She put our life size Santa Claus upstairs and asked me to put on my Santa outfit.  A little tired, I asked if she was sure she wanted to do all that.  She excitedly motioned for me to hurry up.

So I walk upstairs and I see her down on her knees nude, placing the gift wrap near her mouth, giving our life size Santa a huge gift wrapper penis.  I laughed and thought it was extremely creative.  I set up the lighting, and spent the next ten minutes getting things focused and ready.  After a quick test run using the timer, I stood on the other side of Santa and we held our gift wrapper dicks in Venice’s face.  After she was satisfied with our positions, she asked me to grab the eggnog she had placed in her mini baster and squirt it on her.   Uncertain as to what she wanted, I put a little on her chin.  She looked at me and said, “Oh my God, is that how you cum on my face, Ryan?  Is that how Santa would cum on my face?  Blast me with it!”

I interrupted her and said, “Hopefully if Santa was to cum on your face it would turn into snow flakes in mid air, or possibly magic fairy dust with little elves dancing around your head singing Christmas carols before they nicely vanish leaving no mess at all.”

Venice rolled her eyes, ignoring my comment. “Squirt it all over my chest, my nose, and my eyes. Do it right.”   I did what she said, but was unsure about squirting the eggnog in her eyes so I didn’t.  I motioned like I was finished and tried putting the mini baster down.  She grabbed my arm and demanded, “My eyes, Ryan, make me cry eggnog sperm.”

Listen, although this blog was done tongue in cheek, when is the last time your wife asked you to squirt eggnog in her eyes, while mock sucking two Santa Clauses at once?

Exactly.

Q&A: Is masturbation wrong if your wife is sleeping next to you

Sleeping?  Who cares.
Sleeping? Who cares.

Dominic via the internet,

Venice u sexy as hell shorty.  im just sayin.  if ya man ever drops the ball and you get lonely hit a nigga up on kik or skype.   u feel me?  i left my tags on the bottom of email if you get that itch only a bbc can scratch.  trust me on this shorty ya man aint got the tools to scratch that.  ill show you wassup.

any way, ima just get straight to the question before ya man get emotional.   if im with my chick in bed and for whatever reason she is not tryin to deal with a nigga can i just pull my shit out in bed next to her and do my thing?  my girl say she aint feeling it when I do that.  she says real niggas dont that.   but it ain’t none of her business after she said no.   real niggas gotta nut and at least i aint out tryin to fuck some bird  from around the way.   if she bugs out because  the bed bouncin next to her or she gettin jealous cause i pull out a booty mag then she should just help a nigga out right?  how you gonna turn a nigga down but get mad he handle his own shit.  she been thrown out my mags but now i use my phone to check shit out.  she better not fuck with my phone.   let me know what you think shorty, i dont really care what ya boy think.  hit me up on skype shorty.

chuuuurch

Venice says:

I’m from the hood, but I can barely understand what you’re saying.  From what I’ve gathered, you’re asking if it’s all right to masturbate in bed, with your girl next to you,  if she turns you down for sex. What’s the problem?  Is she sick? Tired? Not in the mood?  It sounds like you need to talk to each other.  I understand you have your needs, so tell her that.  And although there’s nothing wrong with porn, the way you insist on talking to me on skype, I’m afraid you might graduate to other things, like strip clubs or prostitutes.  It doesn’t sound like you are committed to this relationship.   You’ve already started resenting her for not giving you sex by the way you don’t care if the bed shakes while you jack off.  That’s pretty childish.  She’s not telling you to stop jacking off, so take it to  another room.

Nip this problem in the bud before it gets worse.  If she doesn’t give you sex, you jack off.  If you shake the bed jacking off next to her while she’s sleeping, don’t be surprised when the next day she’s still mad and doesn’t give you sex again.  You both need to grow up.  She needs to stop being a prude and you need to stop being a douchebag – one of you needs swallow your pride.  It’s a vicious circle and you are both to blame.

Thank you for offering your BBC, but I don’t have any itches in my LAP that Ryan’s BWC can’t scratch.

Ryan says: 

I agree with your girl, real niggas don’t jack off.

Penis Size – The World’s Averages

How do you measure up?
How do you measure up?

Below I have posted a research on penis size.  I know us ladies are not supposed to care about this type of thing, but I do.  I find it interesting that Asian men, especially Thai men, are extremely small.  Using common sense, I will suggest that this same information could also be used to suggest that Asian women also have the smallest vaginas.  Our bodies adapt to our counterpart, and with Thai men growing outward only so much, I assume the same would be for our vaginas growing inward .   Now I get why Ryan complains about my vagina being too tight and compact.   No disrespect to the larger vaginas of the world, but if you are a woman from Congo, I suggest you say you are from somewhere else, maybe Thailand?   Thai woman can be very dark too 🙂

Article below:

Research on average penis size has confirmed racial stereotypes, with Africans coming out on top, Asians at the bottom and Europeans somewhere in between.

Richard Lynn, emeritus professor of psychology at Ulster University carried out the research, which is published in the scientific journal Personality and Individual Differences.

113 nationalities were included in a study of average penis lengths.

Big
In the penis size league tables the Daily Mail reports that men from The Republic of the Congo take top position with a porn star like 7.1 inches, with the Ecuadorians, Ghanaians and Columbians not far behind with 7 inches, 6.8 inches and 6.7 inches respectively.  The average for the African continent as a whole is a whopping 6.3 inches.

Medium
The Icelanders come top of the Europeans with 6.5 inches.  The Germans are Mr European average with 5.7 inches.  The Brits come out above the French, beating the more traditional country of love and romance, by a full 0.2 inches.  The Brits also beat the Australians (5.2in), Americans (5.1in) and Irish (5in).

Small
At the other end of the table, North and South Korea measure in at 3.8 inches. India and Thailand are only slightly bigger at 4 inches.   The overall average for north-east Asians was the lowest at 4.2 inches.

How reliable are these figures?
According to The Telegraph critics have claimed that Mr Flynn’s research is flawed because the penis length data was gathered from websites.   The Telegraph quotes Jelte Wicherts, professor of methodology at Tilburg University, Holland as saying, “This is a brave paper in a controversial area but the data has no methodology.”

Some of the average penis sizes by country:
Republic of Congo, 7.1
Ecuador, 7
Ghana, 6.8
Colombia 6.7
Iceland 6.5
Italy 6.2
South Africa 6
Sweden 5.9
Greece 5.8
Germany 5.7
New Zealand 5.5
UK 5.5
Canada 5.5
Spain 5.5
France 5.3
Australia 5.2
Russia 5.2
USA 5.1
Ireland 5
Romania 5
China 4.3
India 4
Thailand 4
South Korea 3.8
North Korea 3.8

Photo Shoot – Our Daily Sexy Christmas Photos – Happy Holidays!

Photo Shoot – Our Daily Sexy Christmas Photos – Happy Holidays!

We are taking xxxmas photos each day (some days may have 2 photos), up until Christmas.  Our Christmas photos are intended to be fun and different.

This blog entry will remain sticky until the end of December.  All photos will update in the gallery below.

Q&A: I caught my husband masturbating when I was sick

Alyssa via the internet

I was sick the entire weekend and on Sunday (still suffering but nearing the end of my sickness) my husband was acting really sweet to me.  He came upstairs and asked if I needed anything.  I let him know I could use a glass of water and maybe some cuddle time.  He went downstairs and brought me a huge glass of ice water and kissed me on the forehead.  He said he had to finish up some work on his computer and he’d be right back to cuddle.  After about 20 minutes I was restless so I got up and walked downstairs to check on him.   I thought maybe I would lay in his lap or something while he finished up on the computer. 

Appalled, I watch from the top of the stairs as he is jacking off watching a silent porn on his computer.  At this point I am pissed off so I walk downstairs and stand right behind him.  He has no idea I am there, and I realize he had on headphones.   I hear him grunting and whispering to himself and then I watch him ejaculate.  This was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen him do, I cannot believe my husband still behaves like a horny teenager that jacks off as soon as a responsible adult isn’t around, especially when this responsible adult is sick.  As cums, he puts his head back in chair.  Immediately he notices me standing there.  He hops up as fast as he can trying to put his pants back up.  His filthy cum is all over his hands and clothing.   I absolutely want to vomit at this point.  Disgusted, I reach down and grab his cum off his hand and belt and then slap him straight in the face with it. 

I didn’t say a word and I haven’t spoken with him since.  Did I overreact?  Is it normal for a husband to be so fucking callous and ignore my sick request to cuddle, and instead go downstairs and masturbate to some fucking porn stars?  This behavior is disgusting and I do not know if I will ever get over it.  I also do not get how he could think it was okay to masturbate downstairs, wipe off his little dick and ball germs and come up stairs and hold me?  Again, did I overreact?  Thank you.

Venice’s response:   Have you guys ever addressed this issue before?  Obviously he knows it’s something he needs to keep from you, hence the headphones and the lying about work he had to do.  First, I do believe you overreacted.  This is the kind of reaction I expect  if you caught him having sex with another woman.  But he wasn’t.  Second, he wasn’t having phone sex either, which is still bad because you have to pay for it.  Third, it’s porn.  You can access it on your phone, on your computer, on your television, and even at the gas station.  It’s everywhere.  You can’t keep him from it unless you specifically tell him, “I don’t approve of you watching people fuck.”  Then your husband would know exactly what he can’t do.  Fourth, your situation is a double-edged sword: if you want him to only have sexual relations with you and not porn, then he’ll be an insensitive ass for asking you for sex while you were sick; if he turns to porn, he’s a pervert.  He’s damned if he does and he’s damned if doesn’t.

So where do you go from here? Talk to him about it.  Tell him what exactly pissed you off.  Tell him how disgusted you feel see him jack off.  Tell him you don’t think you’ll ever get over it.  But before you do, think about what masturbating really is.  Every single guy in the world has done it – your dad, your brother, your garbage man, your minister, your high school principal, and the President of the United States.  Your husband isn’t fantasizing of the porn star who’s taking it up the ass by five different dudes and how she’ll iron his clothes in the morning, how she’ll hold him when he’s sleeping at night, or how she’ll comfort him when he’s feeling down.  There’s nothing wrong with what your husband is doing.  It’s as if men are programmed to expel semen their bodies at any and all costs.

What I’m saying is that it’s not the end of the world.  As I said, porn (and sex in general) is everywhere, staring him at the face, making him buy a certain beer, wear a certain pair of shoes, and drive a certain kind of car.  He’s bombarded with it.  The important thing to remember is he’s not acting on his physical impulses.  That would be a different story.  Porn: it’s everywhere, and if you can’t beat ’em join ’em.  Blow your man’s mind and learn to outdo every porn star your husband watches.

Ryan’s response:  I get why you are mad, I think.   You are mad because he was insensitive to your needs, correct?  Not only was he insensitive, he went down and masturbated like everything in life was perfect.  A sick wife upstairs suffering (really?) and wanting to cuddle, but he doesn’t care, he has decided he is going to lie to you so he can go downstairs and watch porn while beating his meat.  I get it.   However, understand this, you were sick all weekend and a man has needs.  Whether you like that idea or not, would you have preferred him to come upstairs and cuddle you, slowly trying to remove your panties so he could stick his dick inside you? Would you have been disgusted if he was cuddling you and got an erection from being turned on (by his sick and suffering wife)? Your sickness doesn’t stop his testicles from producing sperm and hormones that scream in his head all day, “JACK OFF OR GET PUSSY RIGHT FUCKING NOW YOU FUCKING IDIOT”.

You admit that he was being really sweet, so obviously he was taking care of you.  It sounds like he wanted to release some tension and stress and before he did, he wanted to make sure you were totally okay. Obviously cuddling wasn’t in his plans, as he was already worked up and horny.  You carry around  our balls and hormones for a day and let’s see how long you last not getting the release that your most primal instincts are ordering you to do.   It isn’t easy, but he tried to make sure you were okay.  Unfortunately you caught him, which is punishment enough in my opinion.   Even reading this question I was embarrassed for the guy.  Not only did you catch him but then you slapped him in the face with his own semen?   Jesus, the guy has paid his dues already.  Let it go.  Yes, you overreacted.  To answer the question again, yes, you overreacted.  I used to wake up and release my tension, then head to the kitchen and make Venice breakfast.   Do you think she would be disgusted by me for bringing my dick germs to her food?  I think she’d enjoy the meal and an awesome morning of me being able to be sweet to her without ripping off her clothing because I am so horny.  But maybe I am wrong.