Sex Talk: I’d rather masturbate with my vibrator than have sex with my husband

Let’s Talk About Sex:  I’d rather masturbate with my vibrator than have sex with my husband.

Rather than questions, sometimes we see various comments and quotes that tend to spark other thoughts and ideas.  Sometimes peoples’ thoughts or attitudes towards sex can lead to interesting sexual discussions.  So let’s talk about sex…

My significant other (20 year old male) and I (19 year old female) have been together for about 4 years and lately I’ve noticed I’d rather masturbate than have sex with him. Sex has become a chore, it’s always the same thing; always 2-3 minutes long, same moves, and same dirty talk (if there even is any) and never any orgasms for me. (I promise I’ve tried to get him to try different things and give him suggestions and it always goes back to the same mundane routine.) There are other issues too, like how he keeps track of how often we have sex to make sure we’re having enough and I feel guilty if I say no to him. These things have just sucked the life out of our sexual relationship and I’m starting to have a better relationship with my vibrator.

Here is an extremely common problem in relationships.  Men that count the amount of times that they have sex and women who are bored.  This is something we have dealt with in our own relationship as well.  This is also why we created Our Circle.   This is what happens when one partner finds ways to not have sex, while the other looks for opportunities.  

So let’s ask ourselves a few questions:

Do we find creative ways to hold each others’ hand?  Maybe try interlocking our fingers in reverse while trying to snap at the same time?  

Do we find creative ways to kiss?  Maybe lick each others eyeballs or nostril holes to add variety?

Do we find creative ways to sit on the couch together watching movies?   Maybe one of us will sit upside down while the other does cartwheels to make our time together more exciting?

Do you find creative new ways to tell him about your day?  Or talk to him?  Maybe just an alien abduction story to your work day?

I understand the sarcasm will turn a few people off, but they are still valid points.  Sex being boring is a mind state.  Negative energy and a negative attitude make sex and intimacy boring.  

So because it’s boring, you tend to find ways to avoid being bored.  This means you avoid sex.  As you avoid sex, for him, having sex becomes a numbers game.  He is only counting because he feels like he has to keep track of something that you would avoid if he didn’t.  And there lies the problem…

He is counting and you are bored. 

Do you want to know how you can keep him from counting?  Be intimate with him daily.   We’ve used the following analogy a lot on this blog.  Much like your heart and health, if you want to keep your heart and body healthy, exercise daily.  If you want to keep your relationship healthy, exercise intimacy and sex daily.  Sex is no more boring than holding hands, kissing, conversation, talking about your day, watching television, taking a walk,  texting each other, or just laying together in bed at night.  

Do You Think Men Say They Can’t Orgasm Through Sex Because They Are Doing All The Work?

Don’t get me wrong, sex is a 2 person thing.  If he isn’t going out of his way to please you in bed, communicate with him and let him know the things you need daily as well.  If he still doesn’t get it, do it yourself. If you enjoy playing with your vibrator, then include it.  If you can get off from touching yourself and masturbating, do it.  A lot of women feel the way you do; however, a lot of women also speak up and include their vibrator into the mix.  Sometimes women want to blame men for not being able to get them off, rather than make sure they get off.   Some men can’t get off with the woman on top or through oral sex.  In fact, a lot of men can’t.  The reason why?  These are positions that the woman is in control.  Even if she is great at these positions, maybe he just needs to be in control to orgasm.  Do you think men stop wanting oral sex or get bored when a woman climbs on top of them?  Or do you think they find things to enjoy, then roll the girl over, get on top, and move the way they need to move to achieve their orgasms?  Men take control of their bodies and make sure they orgasm.  If toys help you orgasm, take control, bring it into the bedroom, have him lay off to the side of you while penetrating and use your vibrator to achieve your orgasm.  A woman should never say  she can’t orgasm through sex.  For whatever reason, some women think being in control of their bodies means it isn’t sex?  Apparently some women think that only a man can give them an orgasm through sex.  If they use their toy or their own fingers, it doesn’t count.  

SAY WHAT?!

If I use my own fingers or my toy while having sex, that orgasm doesn’t count!

It’s not magic.  Sex is more complicated than just penetration.  Sex is foreplay.  Sex is the build up.  Sex is intimacy.  Sex is the good attitude, the good energy, the love/lust.  Sex is also using your fingers on your clitoris, or a vibrator during intercourse, if that’s what you need to get off.  Take control of your own body and make sure you aren’t bored.   Men do.  He may be a bad lover, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a bad lover to yourself.  The same as you may be a bad lover, but he still manages to make sure he orgasms.

With the right attitude and energy, you can even orgasm from giving him a blow job!

Everything is boring with the wrong attitude.  And I stand behind that belief.   See below:

I never want sex. Ever. I don’t even like to think about it. It’s not that it hurts or is unpleasant or anything, I always enjoy the sex that we have but I never actually want to have it. When we first got together, we would do it several times a day. I mean truly several, like 5+ times per day and enough to leave me dehydrated and tired all the time. Now? Maybe once a month at best. I feel like I could go without it, well, indefinitely…

…I see sex as a chore. I do it because I know it needs to be done to keep him happy, and I never regret doing it. He wants me to enjoy sex and want it of my own free will; he will refuse to have it if it seems like I’m not into it. I have to force myself to get ready for it by watching porn. I have virtually no interest in foreplay and basically want the whole experience to be over as fast as humanely possible.

Enthusiasm and attitude make sex great.  Lack of, makes sexy boring and a chore.