Let’s Talk About Sex: I’d rather masturbate with my vibrator than have sex with my husband.
Rather than questions, sometimes we see various comments and quotes that tend to spark other thoughts and ideas. Sometimes peoples’ thoughts or attitudes towards sex can lead to interesting sexual discussions. So let’s talk about sex…
My significant other (20 year old male) and I (19 year old female) have been together for about 4 years and lately I’ve noticed I’d rather masturbate than have sex with him. Sex has become a chore, it’s always the same thing; always 2-3 minutes long, same moves, and same dirty talk (if there even is any) and never any orgasms for me. (I promise I’ve tried to get him to try different things and give him suggestions and it always goes back to the same mundane routine.) There are other issues too, like how he keeps track of how often we have sex to make sure we’re having enough and I feel guilty if I say no to him. These things have just sucked the life out of our sexual relationship and I’m starting to have a better relationship with my vibrator.
Here is an extremely common problem in relationships. Men that count the amount of times that they have sex and women who are bored. This is something we have dealt with in our own relationship as well. This is also why we created Our Circle. This is what happens when one partner finds ways to not have sex, while the other looks for opportunities.
So let’s ask ourselves a few questions:
Do we find creative ways to hold each others’ hand? Maybe try interlocking our fingers in reverse while trying to snap at the same time?
Do we find creative ways to kiss? Maybe lick each others eyeballs or nostril holes to add variety?
Do we find creative ways to sit on the couch together watching movies? Maybe one of us will sit upside down while the other does cartwheels to make our time together more exciting?
Do you find creative new ways to tell him about your day? Or talk to him? Maybe just an alien abduction story to your work day?
Circle (noun) a group of persons sharing a common interest or revolving about a common center
Ryan and I have have this concept called “The Circle,” which I will take full credit for creating between us. The Circle came into fruition as we discussed the importance of maintaining a continual form of love and respect. Several years ago we realized that we were living life in a dotted circle, meaning that we loved each other, but were doing things (in life and in the bedroom) out of obligation and without real enthusiasm; we were a pair of married zombies. For example, I would go to bed without spending intimate time with Ryan. It’s not that I felt like I didn’t need to, but instead I felt that I didn’t have a reason to make him happy because he didn’t make me happy. It was in all sense of the term, a “dotted circle.” The hash marks were the times where we made the effort to be with and satisfy the other, but for some reason, the other didn’t reciprocate, thus creating an incomplete circle. The spaces in between the hash marks of the circle represent the dead time between the moments in which one of us has failed to do our part in continuing our circle of love.
As this first definition states, this group of persons is, of course, me and Ryan, as we are the only two in our relationship. Our common interest is our mutual desire to maintain a healthy marriage. Our eyes opened to the shortcomings that stemmed from each of us. It took both of us to get to this zombie state and it will take both of us to make our Circle successful. I didn’t have to convince him that he was doing things wrong or vice-versa. In fact, we both were glad to point out the other’s deficiencies and work together to find solutions. It took us breaking years of bad habits, breaking old ones, and creating successful ones to reassess our marriage.
The Circle almost became a living being that we respected, revered, and even feared, if we didn’t comply with it. It got to the point where we were forced to put aside our differences that we had at the moment to remember the circle and what it represents to us. Ultimately, we used it as a way to show the other that we were doing our own parts to live up to the standards of the Circle by saying things like, “Even though you’re mad at me right now, I still love you. You don’t have to hug me back, but I’m not breaking the Circle.” It was like using reverse psychology on the other, and not in a detrimental way.
Circle (noun) A series or process that finishes at its starting point or continuously repeats itself; a cycle
In a nutshell, the Circle is ensuring that one good turn deserves another. One of the very first concepts of our Circle was to incorporate twice daily intimate time. This wasn’t set in stone because sometimes I’d sneak in a little dick-sucking or fucking during our lunch hour (three a day); or if one of us was sick, a bit of fondling (at most) and cuddling would be considered our intimate time. That’s life; we don’t have complete control of everything. The only thing we can control is whether or not we can incorporate any form of intimate time (however little) in the day.
When I first proposed the idea of the Circle, he asked me to explain the concept. It was in the middle of the work day, so I texted to him the following:
“The Circle is when I do something for you that starts off your day right, like sucking your dick, which in turn will ensure you think about me all morning and give me that extra attention throughout the day. As you chat and text because I am on your mind, I will in return appreciate the attention and think about you all afternoon. Whether it be small talk or spending lunch together, it’s the little things we used to overlook that make a huge difference now. By that night, I will want to show you my appreciation, and probably fuck your brains out. In doing that, you will be happier more responsive man and cuddle me through the night. Going to sleep being cuddled, makes me want to wake up and cuddle your balls. It’s a circle.”
This sounds very “Who’s on first” but, well, you get the picture. As nonsensical as it sounds, that is exactly what the Circle is: it just keeps going and going, world without end, Amen.
I love to wake up in the morning and spend intimate time with my man for many reasons: it makes me feel like I’m doing my job as a wife, I complete my part of the Circle, I love contributing to Ryan’s reason to starting off his day right, and it ensures that our intimacy cycle continues. It also has altered his entire mood. This isn’t just a one week thing, I am going on the third year of our circle, and he has absolutely changed. If you give your man the attention he wants, he will give you back the attention you want. I need this completion for the sake of my happiness as well as his. It’s not blackmailing the other, it’s not used as a tool for coercing him to take me shopping all day on Saturday, and it’s not forcing me to give him a blow job whenever he wants one. We do what we do because we want to, not because “Oh, I fucked you this morning, so I don’t need to give it to you tonight.” No, no, no. We do what we do because making the other happy is a process that ensures our circle keeps moving; everything about the Circle is positive.
“Circle the wagons” (idiom) to form the wagons of a covered-wagon train into a circle for defensive purposes, as against Indian attack
I’ve heard of this term before. I understood that it was a tactic used in the covered wagon days to fight an onslaught of enemies. In a way, our circle monumentalizes this concept. One of the first times Ryan has applied the Circle with us was at a fast food drive-through. If I ordered french fries, I wanted him to ask for ketchup, maybe a few extra napkins, and an extra salad dressing. If I really felt in the mood, I’d even want him to ask for croutons. Because of the glares the disgruntled fast food workers gave him, the old Ryan hated the process of asking for anything extra. I mean to the point to where he would get mad at ME for even asking him in the first place. After the circle, he realized that our 90 seconds at the drive-through window and the “pshaw..whatever” attitude they gave him were absolutely not worth making me, the most important person in the world to him, unhappy. In fact, today he won’t even leave the window without saying to me, “Look in the bag, did you get a everything you need?” Our Circle, our world, is comprised of the two of us and what we do to ensure the other is taken care of. It is the small changes like these that let me know that he fully understands the Circle, the power it has over us, and that allowing an “Indian attack” (outside parties and/or events that could impede our circle) overcome our “covered-wagon circle” (our Circle) is detrimental to us.
For me, I am driven to completing, I mean CONTINUING, my parts of the circle because I can only benefit from it. Ryan has fulfilled his parts in many ways: he grills for me every Friday (including buying, preparing and cooking all meat and side dishes), he has shown me endless attention by ways of texting, calling on the way to work and home, and random lingerie spending sprees (basically anything that helps me feel sexy including lotions, make-up, nail polish, etc.). Some people might argue that we are too needy, that we put too much emphasis on the attention we give each other, that we’re too smothering. Well, this is how WE work, this is what we’ve determined makes OUR marriage successful. I need this attention and HE needs the attention in return. Through open communication and understanding of the other’s needs, we’ve managed to pinpoint our needs that have helped us to rejuvenate our relationship. We started our journey with a circle, our wedding rings, and we saved our marriage with a circle, our love.