Author: Venice Bloggs

August 20, 2014

Random Moments With Us – Caught Lube Handed

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Coconut OilLast week I went to the drug store to pick up some coconut oil. I prefer the drug store because it has the brand we know and trust and it comes in a big container. We have another brand of the same size, but I’m just not happy with it.

After finding the coconut oil, I hand it to the cashier, thinking nothing of my purchase. She scans the tub and looks at it for a moment as a man approaches the register and waits beside me. “I’m looking at this because…” she begins to say and looks at me. “Now, you use this for cooking, right?”

I look at her with paranoid eyes and feel the eyes of the man standing beside me burning a hole into my brain. “Umm…I…umm…” My mind races trying to remember the other uses of coconut oil. But the only things I could think of were sex lube and massage oil.

I must have taken too long to answer because she says, “Because of a friend of mine told me that she uses it to massage her feet.”

“YES!” I exclaim. “That’s what I heard, too. That you can use it as a massage oil.”  She nods her head in agreement and I feel more confident at that moment. I add on to her suggestion and get a little creative, “It’s really good for your skin and hair, too. I just take whatever’s left on my hands and run it through my hair.”

“Ah, okay. I’m thinking about getting some myself,” she says.

“Yea you should, and it also tastes great. This is our second container because we use so much of it.”

Then I stopped talking, realizing I had probably said too much.  Either this cashier thinks my husband and I use coconut oil as french fry grease to make our fish and fries, or I enjoy eating hair.  I quieting grabbed my bag and removed myself from the store.

…I guess that’s better than her knowing I’ve used two containers as ass lard.

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August 18, 2014

Threesome Memoirs – Foxy Brown

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foxy brownVenice: A few months ago I spoke with a very attractive black woman, that for the stories sake, I will call her Foxy Brown. After some light conversation, we ended up talking about the different things we were interested in. One being, our sexuality. I am openly bisexual so I do not keep this a secret from anyone. If it makes another girl uncomfortable that I am very interested in women, I can’t really concern myself with making everyone else happy except me. I informed Foxy that my husband and I have hooked up with various girls we were both interested in. At the time, she was in a relationship as well and also allowed other women in her bedroom. This is usually how it goes when you meet another bisexual woman. We both weren’t interested in hooking up with another couple; however, we were on the market for a sexy single lady looking to play in our bedrooms. We traded a few sexy stories and pictures and learned a little bit about each other. After a few days, we both kind of stopping reaching out to the other and lost contact.

A few months later, I get a text message from a number that I am was not familiar with. I responded back that I was unsure who was texting me. She replied with a selfie. As soon as I saw the photo, I remembered who she was. I let her know she looked gorgeous and asked how she was doing. She didn’t hesitate to let me know that her and her boyfriend were no longer together and that I had been on her mind since the last time we spoke. I knew what this meant.

I informed her that she would need to submit an application with her STD results, a photo of her breasts, vagina, and face, and we will go through all the other sexy single applicants applying for a position in our bedroom and possibly give her a call back. Okay, I didn’t do that at all. I immediately responded and let her know that she should come over and hang out. This was probably the least flaky woman I have dealt with, because we literally made plans for that same night.

Ryan: When Venice told me she met another girl and showed me the photos I was a bit uncertain. I have really only been attracted to Asian women or very dark brunettes. Of course, that is just a preference. I find women in general beautiful, but I have always been extremely picky about who I have hooked up with. My friends in high school used to tell me that my standards were too high. I didn’t care, if I wasn’t interested in a girl, I just wasn’t interested. I knew I didn’t want to be intimate or share an experience if I was only halfway into it. Truthfully, until I met Venice, I felt that way about most of the girls I dated.

With that being said, Foxy looked extremely attractive. Her skin was smooth and dark. She had a young college face, very full lips, and what looked to be extremely large breasts. The best thing about the photos I saw, none of them were trashy. Every photo she was nicely dressed. I can respect that. Growing up, I did have a small thing for the rapper Foxy Brown, and since she really resembled her, I let Venice know she could go forward with her plans. Her response: “Yay!”

Continue Reading Threesome Memoirs – Foxy Brown

August 15, 2014

Freaky Friday Search Terms – tiny penis & wet cunt blog

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freakyfridayOn various Fridays we will post our most outrageous search terms that people used to find our website.  Ryan and I will then share our own thoughts and hopefully entertain you guys or at least make the search term make a little less sense.

Each search term was gathered by wordpress and/or google statistics and they are all very real search terms.   Each search term was used by some person in the world that ended up on our page.

10. old man and young girl
Venice: That’s totally us, you know, since you’re older than me
Ryan: Um, yea, by a few weeks..!
Venice: That’s irrelevant. I like older men. You know this.
Ryan: We graduated high school together.
Venice: Shut up, old man.
Ryan: What?? I can’t hear you..
Venice: …
Ryan: …

9. real sex old couples
Venice: What a coincidence. They searched for “real sex old couples” and they found us.
Ryan: What is that supposed to even mean?
Venice: Poor baby.  Easily confused.  Alzheimers.   Who knows what else.
Ryan: What does any of that have to do with this being a coincidence?
Venice: Ryan, don’t think so hard, I’m worried you may have a stroke or something.  Would you like me to make you a hot cup of Ensure?
Ryan: Stop already.  The random keywords people search for leading to our blog doesn’t  mean I am old. It’s just  stupid keywords that has nothing to do  with us.
Venice: It’s okay, I understand it’s hard to accept Ryan.  I trust Google over you.  That’s all I am saying.   And the fact I like older men, further proves them right.
Ryan: Google can suck my penis and floss with my grey pubic hairs for all I care.
Venice: Dementia is setting in.

8. underage sex
Ryan: So yea, what was you saying again?
Venice: Fuck Google.  They can suck my pre-puberty titties for all I care.
Ryan: Hah!

7. old vagina
Venice: Yea, so these keywords are really stupid this week.
Ryan: What’s wrong Venice?  Old lady pampers in a bunch?
Venice: Don’t fuck around with a girl and her age or weight.  I will bite your fucking face off Ryan.
Ryan: Well, someone has sand in her vagina…old…the vagina is old that has sand in it but not you.  I am talking about another person’s old vagina that also is angry about Freaky Friday keywords and threatening to literally eat off their best friend’s face.
<Venice throws her sandal at Ryan>

6. tiny penis & wet cunt blog
Venice: Can I have my sandal back please?
Ryan: Nope.  Welcome to shoeless world.
Venice: Ryan, you know my feet are old and brittle, I don’t want to step on glass on accident.
Ryan: We are in the bedroom, your feet are fine.
Venice: Pleeeaaassseee?
Ryan: Adding more letters to your please does not change my mind.
Venice: I’ll suck yo dick…
Ryan: No more ammo for you, this war may not be over yet.  I may not be a smart man, but I’ve learned what the sandals are capable of.
Venice: Pretttty please?  If you give it back I will totally ignore this next keyword, which I believe has the term tiny penis in it.
Ryan: So yea, I definitely think we should make sure your feet stay warm.  I don’t want you to step on any sharp objects like glass or something.  Good point Venice.
Venice: Ahh, that’s so sweet.  See how just a tiny little bit of kindness goes a loooongggg…
Ryan: …awwww you said you wouldn’t do that!
Venice: Okay okay, do you love me though?
Ryan: Yes, you know I do. Let’s just bury the hatchet and move to the next keywords, okay?
Venice: Deal.

5. what are the statistics that mature women walk around in public with butt plugs
Ryan: I love scientific perverts.  Not just Googling for smut, but instead wanting to know the statistics of old ladies that like to walk around all day with big ass butt plugs in their granny panties.
Venice: Tiny penis and wet cunts…
Ryan: …
Venice:  I had to pee this morning so I went into the bathroom.  I bent down and heard this loud clink sound.  I looked into the toilet and my butt plug fell into the water!
Ryan: Hahahaha.  Random.
Venice: Seriously.  I then had to make a decision.
Ryan: What? Not to wear your butt plug after you analed the night before because your ass is so loose it can whistle when you walk?
Venice: Even though that comment was pretty douchey, no.  I had to make a real decision.
Ryan: What?  I like hearing the Andy Griffith theme song when you walk by.
Venice: Anyway, I had to decide if I was going to try to flush the butt plug, take it out of the water and throw it away, or clean it off and take it home.
Ryan: Yea, that’s a tough decision.  So?
Venice: Flushed.
Ryan: Whaaaaaat!?  Bullshit.
Venice: I wasn’t going to dig it out.
Ryan: No way that thing flushed.
Venice: Big 300 pound men can drop a log and it flushes with no problems.  Trust me, that anal plug is headed to the big ocean in the sky.
Ryan: That would be funny if the next Nemo movie your butt plug is in the background.
Venice: Hah!  Also, tiny penises…
Ryan: …

4. girl gets fast cum in ass
Venice: That doesn’t surprise me that they ended up here.
Ryan:  Uh…huh?   Are you saying that I cum fast when I fuck your ass?
Venice: I’m just saying that you’ve always said anal was an intense feeling.
Ryan: No, that wasn’t just what you were saying.
Venice: What was I just saying?
Ryan: You were suggesting that you weren’t surprised those search terms led to our blog.
Venice: Yea, because I cum super duper  fast when you’re in my ass.
<Venice looks away and scratches her neck.>
Ryan: Yea uh huh.  Maybe I’m just super duper excited to finish fast so I can hear the Andy Griffith theme song.
<Ryan rubs his forehead with his middle finger.>
Venice: Maybe it’s whistling because it’s extremely bored.
<Venice rubs her nose while making an L with her hand.>
Ryan: Wow, really?
Venice: I love you.
Ryan:  Your love  isn’t a band-aid and I’ve been seriously wounded.
<Venice reaches up with her fingers to close Ryan’s eyes>
Venice: Just close your eyes Ryan, go to the light.  Let it go.  Just let it go Ryan…
Ryan: …NEXT FUCKING SEARCH TERM PLEASE.

3. beautiful penis
Venice: Before you start, yes, Ryan, your penis is beautiful.
Ryan: Do you mean beautiful in a “Brazilian supermodel” way or a “baby penis with angels smiling innocently in a Renaissance painting” way?
Venice: I mean I like how your veins envelope your penis.  I like the color and how the head is proportional and pretty. I like how it makes my cervix pop in a painful/pleasant way and makes me walk funny or  bleed all over the sheets the next day kind of way.
Ryan: Yea, those are all good answers, too.  But Brazilian supermodel beautiful or baby penis of love artistic beautiful?
Venice: You mean like a tiny penis?
Ryan: …
Ryan: Come on.
Venice: What?
Ryan: …
Venice: Okay, a Brazilian supermodel way.  <sighs>
Ryan: Yes!

2. الفيديو الجنسي في آسيا 
Venice: الفيديو الجنسي في آسيا؟
Ryan: أعتقد أنها ينبغي أن تكون أكثر تحديدا
Venice: بالضبط. لأن هناك العديد من البلدان الآسيوية
Ryan: أوه لا … هنا نذهب مرة أخرى
Venice: ماذا؟ هناك!

1. is it true that when a mans sperm is poured into a womans ass the ass will become bigger
Venice: This has an urban legend undertone to it.
Ryan: Yea, this is not the first time I’ve seen this searched.
Venice: This week alone I saw “womans ass bigger with semen,” “does a woman’s anus grow because of semen,” and “I came in my wife’s ass will it get larger”
Ryan: Who the hell wants to know this? I mean, semen has great properties, but to make a body part BIGGER? If that were the case I’d be rubbing my semen all over my cock every day as much as humanly possible.
Venice: Tiny penises all over the world would rejoice…
Ryan: …we had a fucking deal!?
Venice: Okay, give me a retry!
Ryan: The topic was about sperm having the ability to make things larger.
Venice: In that case my pussy would be as large as the planet Jupiter from all your cum that has been inside me.
Ryan: Wow, that was kind of hot.
Venice: Yea it was…

 

August 14, 2014

This Friday Is On Me

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fridayRyan has been grilling for me every Friday for about 3 years. Each Friday, my day is filled with the thrill of knowing I’ll be getting faded with Ryan and enjoying a New York Strip or Ribeye (with grilled corn, broccoli, or whatever sides I feel like having), followed by (or following, depending on horniness and intoxication levels!) rough and kinky debauchery.  The end of the work week signifies a celebration, a party that I prepare for and look forward to. Although Ryan himself has said to me several different times, “Do you really want steak today?”  I follow it with, “What the fuck…YES, I WANT STEAK! I wait all week for it!”  Ryan made a promise to me 3 years ago that every Friday he’d grill for me, and my steak meal at the end of the week was a way for him to show his appreciation for everything I do for him.  It is also a part of our intimacy circle and makes me feel spoiled, which I really enjoy.  I deserve my man cooking for me.

Occasionally, we’ll eat out (on a Saturday or Sunday). It’s not as fun as preparing food together at home, but I welcome the change. Although tomorrow is Friday, I’ve decided to spoil him this week with a special meal.  Inspired by the different places we eat out, I have listed tomorrow’s menu:

 
Spinach cheese dip
Strawberry Lemonade (Vodka)
Shrimp Scampi Linguine (with garlic cheese bread)
Caramel Pecan Brownies à la mode
 
I’m making everything from scratch!  I’m even putting together a new playlist!  So if you have any song suggestions, let me know!
August 13, 2014

Random Moments With Us – Do You Know My Blood Type?

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Last night, Ryan dropped a glass onto the floor and it shattered.  As he reached over to the pantry to get the broom and dustpan, I tried to carefully spin around to sit on the counter.  I felt a little tingle in my big toe but thought nothing of it. I watched as Ryan swept the entire kitchen floor and even into the dining room.  The tingle in my toe began to irritate me. As I turned to look at my toe, I saw smeared blood down the inside of my sole as a red fluid continued to pool around the source.

“Oh, no… I did step on a piece of glass,” I said. Ryan continued to sweep as he apologized profusely. “Not your fault,” I told him.

A few minutes later, with a piercing needle and a tweezer, I was able to remove the piece of glass. It continued to bleed as I covered the cut with a tiny circle Band-Aid. It was the only size I had.

As we were getting ready for bed, I held up my foot to Ryan and said, “I could have died!”

“I know, I know…you could have died,” he played along.

“I lost so much blood!”

He pulled me onto the bed and I lay my head on his chest. “Yes, V, you lost a lot of blood.”

“I may need to go to the Red Cross. In case I pass out, do you know my blood type?”

He made a letter V with his index and middle fingers, placed them over my eyelids and made a pulling down motion, as if he were shutting the eyes of a corpse. “Shh, ssh.  It’s okay.” I laughed as I pushed his hand off my face. “It’s okay to let go, V. LET. GO,” he said as he pinched my nostrils together while cupping his palm over my mouth.  I laughed even harder as I pushed his hand away yet again. “Shhhhhhhh..shhhh,” he said as he put a pillow over my face. “Be free from the pain. Walk to the light, V. Walk to the light!”

The next afternoon in the car, I told him I was having trouble walking at work because of my injury.   I also asked if he thought maybe amputation would help with the pain.  He laughed and suggested pulling over to a the cemetery we happened to be driving passed and physically kicking me out of the vehicle.  Literally, kick me out with his shoe in my back.  He made me visualize that I would grab the window of the car and hang on as he tried to drive off, yelling, “Stop Ryan, stop!”

He said he would yell back to me,  “It’s okay baby, don’t hold on, go to the light! Don’t worry I will come back on every anniversary and birthday.  Don’t fight it.”