Category: Question & Answer

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rim job
February 26, 2020

Q&A: Should I Give My First Boyfriend a Rim Job?

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rim jobQ&A:  Should I Give My First Boyfriend a Rim Job?

I have noticed a few blogs you guys have recently posted regarding rim jobs and have a question.  I am a senior in high school and started dating my first boyfriend about 3 months ago.  I feel like I have done everything with him that two people can do, but I haven’t licked his ass.  It seems like this is something girls do to guys now and he has even asked me about it.  But I am unsure if I want to spend my life forever with him, or if I am going to break up before heading off to college. We’ve both already talked about this.  We have different plans for our future.  Do you guys believe there is any long term regrets about eating another person’s ass?  If I find my future husband, will he have issues with the idea that I have licked another man’s ass?  I do understand that anything I have done before him shouldn’t matter, but is there some things a girl should wait until she feels she wants to be with a person for ever to try?  Serious question.  You guys seem to be totally open to rim jobs and that type of thing, but I do understand your perspective comes from a couple that has been married longer than I have been alive. So do you think it’s okay that if I was to give my first boyfriend a rim job?

Venice’s response to should I give my first boyfriend a rim job

Judging by your hesitance to do this, I have a feeling that you’re not ready to commit yourself to him and that relationship in general. There’s nothing wrong with that, because three months is a such a short time to make that decision. And if you both have different plans for the future, I don’t see a need in giving him more than you’ve already given. Rim jobs are personal, and yes, because you’re not sure if you want to break up with him before heading off to college, I do believe you could regret it. It is special, but also something so intimate and personal that it could come back to haunt you. Save rim jobs for your future husband. He will thank you for it when one day you talk about the things you’ve done with other men (or high school boyfriends) and he wants to bond with you. You will say, “I’ve never licked anyone’s asshole before.”

Fortunately I didn’t go through my teenage years when giving guys rim jobs was a thing.  Porn didn’t show it, it wasn’t something that ever crossed my mind, and the internet wasn’t as popular and raunchy as it is now.  I may be totally out of touch with what is special and extra in a relationship these days.  When I was younger, swallowing a man’s cum was the “oh she done did it now” thing for girls to do. 

The big question was, “Do you spit or swallow?”

Now it’s, “Do you eat ass?”

You can break up with me, block my number, and never tell your next girlfriend about me.  But you can never unlick my ass hole.

 

Ryan’s response to should I give my first boyfriend a rim job

From a sex positive perspective, you should do whatever makes you feel good about yourself.  If you want to give your boyfriend a rim job, try it.  Are there possible repercussions later, maybe.

From a perspective of what I would tell my daughter, or my wife at that age, I’d suggest they wait until they find the person they want to spend their rest of their lives with.  And that’s just me being totally honest.

No matter how open minded your future husband will be, it’s going to be tough dealing with the idea that you have licked 37 other guys asses.

I understand the idea of not judging someone based on their history.  In fact, I hear a lot of couples never talk about the other’s sexual history.  They prefer to be ignorant to that person’s experiences and love them for who they are.  And that’s amazing to me.

That’s just not who I was.  I may be closer to that now, but as a young man, I was stubborn, close minded, and would absolutely have fell out of love based on someone’s sexual history.  Like I said, it was important to me.  As I have aged, I do still believe in transparency.  I also believe in the idea that if two people don’t agree on how they live their lives, they should not live their lives together.  If I met someone who didn’t want to be transparent, we wouldn’t date.  It really is that simple.  It’s not about right or wrong, it’s about having the ability to filter out people you don’t want in your life.  And that other person has the same ability to get rid of you if you are digging too much into their past. 

I believe that knowing a person’s history and accepting it, will better help you understand what type of person they are.  Whether they have cheated, been cheated on, and yes, the sexual conquests they experienced before they met you.  If your history is what made you the person you are today, then share it with me.  I want to know what made you the person you are.  I personally think it is foolish to ignore that history and just accept what you see in front of you.  

But were all not the same.  Some people want to keep experiences to themselves, privately.  Some may post their conquests on anonymous user names on Reddit, but otherwise, keep it to themselves.  No one or nothing will ever break into their experience vault and learn about their past.  Just that person, and the person they had the experience with.  And some couples are happy with this compartmentalization.  

So that’s what you should be asking yourself.  Do you want a man in your future that will want to know everything about you?  Do you want someone you can share all your experiences with and be an open book? Or do you want to have your own experiences that you have, and he has, that you never want to know about?  There is no right answer here.  It’s just the type of person you are, or want to be with.   

The best part of this question is, you are asking the question.  You are putting thought into something, rather than just doing it and regretting it later.  

January 15, 2020

Q&A: Is My Boyfriend Too Fat For Sex?

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Is My Boyfriend Too Fat For Sex? 

So… I want to start off by saying that personally I find my boyfriend attractive but he is definitely fat. By that I mean I’d be unsurprised if he is not close to 400 pounds. At one point a couple months ago he said he was 360 (ish) I don’t remember exactly how much. However he is over 6 feet by a couple inches so it doesn’t look like he is as much as he is.  Is he too fat for sex?

Anyway… I’m near 100% sure that we can’t have sex. And I say this after having a couple positions with him in which we tried. I’m pretty short compared to him and so nearly every position his belly gets in the way. I haven’t said anything because the one time I tried he got really soft and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. He’s never brought it up but has stopped attempting sex at all.

His dick is small, only because of the fat surrounding it. If he’s laying down and I push his fat out of the way I believe he’d have about a 5-6 inch dick. Because I’m barely capping 5 feet there is no way possible for me to be on top of him.  I can technically get on top there is no way for my knees to reach the bed/surface. To be honest I have to be in near splits to even get my legs around him. And if he isn’t laying down his penis is closer to 2-3 inches.

Plus because of the height difference if we try missionary he has to kind of hunch over me.  This means his belly keeps him from doing more than… barely fucking my entrance? I don’t know… this is awkward for me to type. I thought anal might work better with me close to the edge of the bed and him kneeling.  That didn’t work because belly is still in the way.  The other night I was on my side with my ass toward him and one leg pulled to my chest and he could just barely almost touch either one of my holes.  Other than his head rubbing my entrance, there is no real penetration.  I’m wondering if there is anything else I can do to make it work?

It seems mean to break up because we can’t do it but… I’m in my 20s and I really want to have sex. I don’t want to say our relationship is sexless because we do still fool around and I enjoy it, but I’ve only slept with 2 other people quite a long time ago.  I want to experience it again. Also if we stayed together I’d eventually want kids in a couple years and how would that even work?

It’s really an issue even with blowjobs because I have to hold his belly and blow him which means I can’t really use my hands and it’s hard to do it at the angle I have to use. Its turned something I’ve always enjoyed into something I’d rather not do at all.

Any tips would be appreciated. I’ve read stuff online and people say they’ve always worked it out but wont detail how other than not be self conscious? I love the heavy petting we do but… I want more in my sex life and the oral and fingering is not great if I’m honest (though he’s gotten better!).

 

Venice’s response to too fat for sex

According to a quick search, there are a lot of positions overweight men can enjoy with their women.  I do not really have many other tips besides a few links because I have never had this experience. For me to suggest anything else would be silly, since you could probably help other women dealing with the same issue as yourself more than I could.  In fact,  your question will be a lot more educational than my answer!  It seems you are working various positions trying to figure out what works best for you guys.  You have learned that pushing his fat down around his penis down exposes more penis. And you have tried bending over the bed, riding him, missionary, laying sideways, and even anal.  Just the fact you are experimenting and trying to find out what works best for you is a huge plus (no pun).  

In a recent study about premature ejaculations the results show that obese men tend to last longer in bed than slimmer men.  Seems like there are a lot of pluses to plus size men!

This was totally unknown to me.  As I read through the study it seems that obese men have more estrone, which may explain things.  

Estrone (also called oestrone) is an estrogen like estradiol and estriol. Unlike the other two, estrone comes from the ovaries, as well as the adipose tissue and adrenal glands. It is a weaker estrogen, commonly found in higher quantities in postmenopausal women.

This may also explain why they say larger men enjoy cuddling, are more sensitive to their partners needs, and are more in sync with your pleasure rather than their own.  

On another note, rather than trying to communicate with him about his weight while you are about to have sex, try to have a talk with him when you aren’t trying to have sex.  That way you do not have to worry about him losing his erection.

Ryan’s response to too fat for sex

According to Metro the top 5 male body shapes women enjoy in the bedroom:

  1. Overweight / plus-size men: 38%
  2. Athletic / muscle men: 21%
  3. Tall men (taller than 6 foot): 13%
  4. Short men (shorter than 5 foot 8): 10%
  5. Slim / petite men: 9%

Interesting.  Metro also listed the top 5 reasons why women prefer ‘overweight / plus-size men’ in the bedroom: 

  1. They seemed more eager to please me than themselves: 42%
  2. They were more caring and gentle: 42%
  3. They made me feel less self-conscious about my body: 27%
  4. I had better orgasms: 19%
  5. They were more adventurous and willing to try new things: 14%

As Venice previously said, this may have to do with the Estrone levels found in larger men.

However, as much as that top 5 list makes for a great article, my opinion has always been, most women tend to like what they have.  And according to the statistics, more than 1 of 3 adults are considered to be overweight.  That statistic would fall right in line with the amount of women that prefer plus-size men.  Much like our article about women describing the perfect penis, a lot of woman prefer exactly what they have. Especially when she is happy and in love. 

And there is nothing wrong with that.

Although I cannot help you with finding positions that work best for you, I do commend you for experimenting and figuring out what feels the best for you two.  It may come down to a conversation where you express how much you love him but would love to help him lose weight so you can enjoy his actual size.  Remind him that his dick looks sexy as hell when you push the fat around his pubic area down.  And let him know you’d love to get all that inside you one day.  Or you can look into having a conversation about penis extenders / enlargers, which can help increase the size of a man’s penis by adding a soft sheath over the penis and making him thicker and longer.   Although we didn’t have a great experience with them, I’ve read that a penis enlarger can make for great sex.

December 11, 2019

Q&A: My Mom Found My Receipt for my Bondage Set and 10 Inch Dildo

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10 inch dildoMy Mom Found My Receipt for my Bondage Set and 10 Inch Dildo

My mother knows my partner and I haven’t been sexually active for a while, she won’t be angry or anything it’s just incredibly goddamn embarrassing.  My 10 inch dildo guilt.

Well, the parcel arrived while my parents were at work so I destroyed the box and all packaging. Shredding everything into tiny pieces before putting them in an opaque carrier bag an into the bin. I thought I’d been very careful, I go away for the weekend to find a “Thank you for your purchases!” on my desk, with ALL my purchases listed including a bondage set and 10 inch dildo.

How incredibly embarrassing.

It wasn’t in an envelope or anything, does an invoice go to the house owner? I’m so fucking scared to have this conversation, actually teary from embarrassment.

Venice’s response to mother finding 10 inch dildo

Michael Jackson comes to mind:

You are not alone!

We’ve been doing this for too long (but not quite as long as the dildo you purchased) when we start recycling huge dildo problems.

Sometimes you just have to swallow your pride, or like me, swallow the entire 10 inch dildo and call it a day.

 

sitting on a 10 inch dildo The best course of action here is to pretend nothing is wrong. Not only that, pretend nothing is even wrong with a 10 inch dildo. My advice is to walk up to your parents and ask them if they found a receipt from a sex store.  If they affirm, look your father dead in his eyes and say, “Well at least you only saw the receipt for what I warm up with and not the real deal…”

Maybe this will teach them never to use their eyes again around any piece of paper that is on the floor around your bedroom door.  Later, text your dad and ask him the dimensions of the bedpost.   Tell him you and your boyfriend are doing some bedroom shopping.

I’m kidding.

Seriously, it’s no big deal.  I get the embarrassment, but you’ll all get over it.  They are probably just as embarrassed as you.  Rather than throwing it away and living with the shame of knowing and you being oblivious, they let you know that they knew.  Some people do prefer to not have these weird secrets.  They may never want to discuss it, but they want you to know, they know.  That’s it.

Ryan’s response to mother finding huge dildo 

I’ve been caught prone masturbating by my mother.  Not really nude or anything, just my shorts pulled halfway down and me grinding against a towel.  My mom walked in like, “What are you doing?”  Obviously that was embarrassing as hell for me.  I just yelled, “Nothing!  Close the door!”  

Yup, the old classic “close the door” response!

I have been caught by my wife masturbating more times than I’d like to think about.  Each time was embarrassing, but the last time she just laughed and walked off.  This was in the beginning of our relationship when our sexual compatibility was off.  In fact, I did a lot of things during those days that embarrass me to even think about.

get off your high horse and sit on a 10 inch dildoEither way, I lived through it.  My parents lived through it.  Venice lived through it.   You’ll live through it.  Your parents will live through it.   We aren’t perfect and the sooner you accept that, the better off you will be.  It’s okay that you like 10 inch dildos that you could probably pole vault with and break records at the Summer Olympics, no big deal.  Who doesn’t?

November 20, 2019

Q&A: I’m Tired of My Husband Watching Porn Before He Has Sex With Me

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I’m Tired of My Husband Watching Porn Before He Has Sex With Me

I don’t mind him watching porn in general. Not a big deal. But for the past couple months or so, he will walk into the bedroom fully hard expecting a blowjob, be all revved up because he has been watching porn, and then fuck me. No foreplay to speak of for me really, and if he takes time to do that, then I have to suck him hard again.  That leaves me out of the mood because, well, sucking flaccid dick isn’t super duper hot. Makes me feel kind of pointless and not all that wanted. So lately I’ve just been letting him fuck me and not really bothering with trying to orgasm because there isn’t any guarantee that it is going to last long enough for that. I told him I would like more foreplay and explained this to him and he asked what I want. I said I have no idea, because I’m inexperienced and don’t know what I want in the moment. I just want him. I was told I need to initiate more and ask for foreplay instead of just letting him have sex with me, but as explained, that is also unmotivating. I think I just don’t want to have sex at this point. It’s so much work and very overwhelming.

 

Venice’s response to husband watching porn 

Ryan has done this a few times, but it doesn’t really bother me.  It also never became a habit.  For him it was more of him watching porn late at night while I was in bed.  Rather than finishing by himself, he will come to the bedroom and involve me.  It’s flattering I suppose, because at least I was on his mind.  

Pro:  You are on his mind, because trust me, men can finish by themselves if they are watching porn.  Easy.

Con: Porn is not foreplay and he is disregarding your feelings.  You aren’t a fuck machine and he shouldn’t expect you to get him off just because he is horny from porn.

I understand your issue, although for me, the con doesn’t bother me.  I am totally okay being Ryan’s fuck machine and taking care of him.   If you can find that same submissive girl inside yourself, maybe that is an answer to your problem?

If you think using porn by himself as foreplay is bad, Ryan has also woken me up while pinching the head of his penis, holding a full load of cum in his shaft.  Porn wasn’t even foreplay, it was the whole event!  I just swallowed.  lol   I never really ask what he was doing prior, but I assume he was watching porn and masturbating.  I don’t really care, because I probably just want to go back to sleep.  Rather than waste his cum, he will wake me up and let me know to open my mouth.  Although this sounds awful, I prefer it.  We are intimate enough that he doesn’t need to masturbate, but if he does, I’d like to know it.  Him waking me up is more like him telling on himself. I find it adorable.  He isn’t proud, but he loves seeing me swallow.  I love swallowing him.  This doesn’t happen often, but we have a total open door policy and this is how our relationship works.  No cum gets wasted.

Suggestion:  Watch porn with him.

With all that said, if it bothers you,  tell him it bothers you.  There really isn’t much advice to give other than communicate and let him know that you are not interested in servicing him after he watches porn.  Although what I said was contrary to your experience, that doesn’t make me right.  It’s just what I prefer.  If I was annoyed by Ryan watching porn alone, I’d let him know.  

Ryan’s response to husband watching porn

I think the last comment of your question says it all.  

“I think I just don’t want to have sex at this point. It’s so much work and very overwhelming.”

This is probably why he resorts to porn to get  himself turned on.  He could just finish alone, but he still comes to you for sex.  Maybe you should join him and watch porn with him?  If that also disinterests you, maybe your sex drives just aren’t compatible.  This can be a major issue in a relationship and you may want to read about dead bedrooms and partners with incompatible sex drives.  This pretty much leaves both people totally unsatisfied in a relationship.  One is forced to do something that they find boring, way too much.  The other is forced to deal with no enthusiasm during sex, no initiation, and boring sex.  I’ve learned that the more bored the partner with the low sex drive is, the more they purposely act unenthused.  Consciously or subconsciously they are hoping they can bore their partner into also not wanting sex. Imagine that.

Enthusiasm and attitude is everything.  If you initiate, he probably wouldn’t resort to porn.  However, you will still be dealing with a flaccid penis, because that’s how our penises work. We start all foreplay flaccid, and may even stay flaccid all the way up until penetration.  We have no control over this.  As much as Venice embarrassed me in her response, there was a time when she also had what I consider a very low sex drive.  At least compared to me. I felt bad even asking for sex.  When I did ask, she would purposely give me lifeless oral sex and even sometimes pretend she was falling asleep.  Sex was much the same, but that is how she would get back at me just because I asked for sex.   She wanted me to feel what she felt while having sex.  However, I didn’t feel boredom, I felt unloved and unwanted.  She felt bored and that I wanted her too much. 

Let’s compare these needs?  One feels they are wanted too much.  The other feels unloved and unwanted?

One feels they are used for pleasure.  The other feels unused and can’t give the other pleasure.

I am a bit biased, obviously.  But the issue is real.

I watched porn because it was the only thing that could satisfy my drive. Back then,  I didn’t wake her up, and I didn’t ask her to swallow when I was done.  She hated swallowing!   

We married young and it’s so easy to get caught up in thinking sex is boring and just something adults do.  As we’ve stated since this blog started, our relationship needed a catalyst to realize it’s worth it to have a good attitude, enthusiasm, and be intimate with each other as much as humanly possible.  From a death in our family, to us almost separating, our catalyst was realizing we both didn’t want to give the next person the exact same effort it would require to make that person fall in love, that we could give each other, and fall back in love.   I’ve always said, when you split up, the next relationship will get the best version of you.  So why not just give that best version of you to someone you have history and family with?  That idea changed us.  We started our journey with this new mindset in 2012, when we started this blog. We’ve only gotten closer, more intimate, and have became amazing lovers and best friends.

Back to the topic.  It sounds like your partner may be insensitive.  While at the same time you openly say sex is boring and too much work.  He should work on listening.  You could work on telling yourself that intimacy and sex is a positive bonding experience.  Holding hands, hugging, spending time together talking, can all be too much work if you have negative thoughts about it.  Switch your vibes up and practice being positive.  Nothing will change your life more than good vibes and a positive attitude.

 

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July 31, 2019

Q&A: My boyfriend said if I start a blow job it is wrong to stop until he is done.

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My boyfriend said if I start a blow job it is wrong to stop until he is done.

I’ve been in a relationship for about 7 months now. It’s my first sexual relationship and I’ve been trying to learn whatever I can, but I’m still new so be nice please.

I wanted to ask a question here because my partner said something and I’m just not 100% sure about it. I’m not able to give oral for a long time because I get sore, and when I tried to tell my bf I wanted to stop he kept saying to keep going because it’s wrong to stop before finishing and that it’s painful to be left hard. I kept going and he orgasmed without warning me.

I feel really bad but it sounded odd cause don’t guys get hard randomly a lot? I don’t know a lot so I apologize if this is a stupid question. I just don’t want to be a bad partner.

Venice’s response to stop blow job

First off, you do not have to finish a blow job until he orgasms if you do not want too.  However, if your goal is to be good at giving oral sex, then yes, it’s good to learn how to get your boyfriend off during a blow job.  I try to focus on the positive while giving oral sex, because that is what keeps me enthused and motivated.  However, completion is not a requirement.  He seems a bit inexperienced and one-track minded.  Some men, especially selfish and inexperienced lovers, tend to funnel vision on the end goal: cumming.   If you are sore and he has to cum, suggest alternatives.  Personally I wouldn’t want to tease Ryan and then just stop.  I enjoy making him orgasm and want him to get his release.  In fact, it’s why I enjoy my intimate time with him.  I like knowing when I leave for work, or go to bed for the night, he is happy and has had his release.  To be honest, I don’t really want him to masturbate.  I know, if I wasn’t in his life, he would have probably masturbate each day to relieve himself.  He did prior to meeting me for sure.  Why would I expect that to change because I am in his life?  A sexy, attractive, woman, he has to lay next to and live with?  And now he has to wait to get off just because I’m in his life?  That doesn’t sound right.

If you wanted him to tell you before he orgasms, make sure you communicate that you want to know when he is going to finish.  If you are new to sex, then I assume he is fairly new to sex as well.  Some men, especially younger men, do not learn to be vocal, or even moan, until they are told by their girls.  Ryan didn’t make a sound until I told him I wanted to hear him.  Imagine a guy masturbating alone and talking to himself, or moaning in his bathroom while he strokes himself.  We learn to get off, quiet as a mice.  So him not saying anything could simply be he isn’t used to announcing he is about to cum.  That sounds like miscommunication and inexperience.  Make sure you let him know you want to hear him, you want to know when he is going to orgasm, and when you get sore, find alternatives to helping him get off.  

Ryan’s response to stop blow job

If your boyfriend is suggesting you have to finish a blow job once you start, meaning you can not switch to other intimate acts to help him finish, your boyfriend is being immature and selfish.  He could move onto having sex with you, masturbate in front of you, receive a hand job, or do something else you would be okay with to finish him/himself.   Although I admit, the question isn’t completely clear.  Are you suggesting you’d give him a blow job and just stop and expect him to pull his pants back and wait till another day?  That would definitely give a guy a mean case of blue balls.  Yes men get erections.   And yes sometimes we can’t relieve ourselves every time we have ever had erections, especially in public (I haven’t had an erection in public since maybe the 8th grade).  However, we didn’t have a mouth on our penises, we didn’t have our balls tighten up and feel the slight edging sensation, nor were we in a position to finish.  I would say, if I had an erection in private, I wouldn’t just ignore it.  I’d always relieve myself if I could.  If I didn’t, it was because I couldn’t.   I guess it depends on the situation.  If he is suggesting you have to finish a blow job if you start it, he would be wrong.  You do not have to finish anything you do not want to.  A blow job doesn’t mean you keep going until he cums.  A blow job can be foreplay, teasing, or just a way to get him hard for penetration.  He is telling the truth that getting stimulation and being extremely turned on, and then stopping, sucks (pun).  If you are sore, I’d assume you’d be okay with doing other things to help him get off?  

Sorry if my answer wasn’t completely clear.