Ryan: Go to YouTube and look up “50 Cent first pitch Mets.” Prepare to laugh. Then, once you see that and laugh, go to Google images, lol
<Google Break>
Venice: lolololol omg. He was even FACING the batter and STILL managed to throw that motherfucker like a foul ball.
Ryan: LOL. Now look at the pictures. He is so girly. Has he never thrown a fucking rock in Queens, New York? Has he never thrown a newspaper? Has he never finished a piece of gum and thrown it down the road or onto a roof? Has he never fucking thrown anything in his entire fucking life? A football? A frisbie? A bag of potato chips to his boys? His car keys to his chick? What’s even crazier is, inside his first album cover, he is holding a fucking bat. You’d think he’d be able to toss a fucking ball. Tonight, I will give a baby a fucking ball. A baby who has never thrown anything but her bottle across the room and she will still pitch better than that.
Venice: I know lolololol. You can tell he has never thrown a thing in his life.
Ryan: This fucking guy probably has an allergic reaction even when he watches Game of THRONES.
Venice: lol. His grandma probably called him up after seeing this pitch and demanded he give back the THROW blanket she bought him for Christmas.
Ryan: AHAHAHA. She still has stains on the rug and walls from when he was a kid and used to throw up fucking sideways.
Venice: He probably throws up in 90 degree angles and hits the walls behind him even though his head is hanging in a toilet.
Ryan: He used to throw down with his homies and always hit his own boy that was standing next to him.
Venice: Vegas would never ask him to throw a fight.
Ryan: Fight? You can tell he couldn’t throw a fucking punch if his life depended on it. Imagine him throwing a party though?
Venice: He’d throw a party and give directions to his house… which leads everyone two blocks away to the left of his home, at some cameraman’s house.
Ryan: Ahahaha. The dude seriously throws like a sissy.
Venice: The dude obviously didn’t pitch growing up. Must be a catcher.
Ryan: Ahaha. You better stop with that shit. This is 50 cent we are talking about. You’re going to end up staring down the barrel of a gun….
Venice: And I’d never feel safer! LOLOL
Ryan: Hahaha. If he was aiming at the wall 20 feet away from you though?
Venice: Fucking duck, you’re in trouble then.
Ryan: Ahahahahahahaahahaha.
Ryan: How are we supposed to believe he was on the corner “pitching rocks to the fiends.”
Venice: Best drug dealer ever. The cops could never catch him pitching rocks directly to anyone.
Ryan: Ahahaha oh my god.
Ryan: There goes his career. He will be remembered for that pitch.
Venice: For sure
Ryan: The pitch went viral before the game was in the 3rd inning. No bullshit.
Venice: lmaoooo! Sad! 50’s pitch went viral before the end of the Star Spangled Banner sang by 3rd grader Lindsey Jones from Queens Elementary.
Ryan: lol. It went viral before the ball hit the reporter standing 30 feet away from the plate
Venice: It went viral before Fiddy even had the chance to think “Aww haiil naw”
Ryan: The ball accidentally hit a kid tweeting about the pitch in left center field
Venice: lolol! It was like “Oh shit…here it co…” send tweet
Ryan: “OMG, you should see how bad this fucking pitch 50 just thre…”
Ryan: Next tweet. “Fuck, just got hit by the ball.”
Venice: Upside down sit-ups can’t fix that weeble-wobble pitc–” tweet sent
Ryan: PLEASE 50, NEVER EVER EVER EVEREVEVEVEVEEVERE EVER do a drive-by. For the love of little kids on tricycles EVERYWHERE
Venice: For the love of little kids on tricycles EVERYWHERE <– not necessarily “everywhere,” but at least in the tri-county area minimum.
Ryan: Haha.
Ryan: 50 is a humanitarian. He saw a mosquito with malaria on the camera man to the very far left and changed his mind about the pitch and decided to save him.
Venice: 50 was pitching to the bat boy
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On the way home from work earlier this week, I took the back way to avoid traffic from the main roads. I stopped at a red light and a few moments later two bikers pulled up next to me. From my peripheral vision I saw that they were two big black guys. I didn’t want to look over to them fearing that it would signal that I wanted the BBC. I always make sure not to set off any BBC radars unnecessarily. I gazed straight ahead waiting for the light to turn green, when suddenly out of no where I heard the first familiar notes of Bruno Mars’ “Locked Out of Heaven.”
(June 9, 2014) Ryan: Can you please see if you can get off on Friday?
Venice and I were getting ready for bed when I heard her say, “Do not turn around, get up slowly and move away from the bed.” When she said that, I knew I was under attack. I calmly got up and moved a step away from the bed. I then turned around and saw the largest wolf spider I have ever seen laying on my side of bed getting ready to go to sleep. Honestly, he may have had on pajamas but I was in shock and I really can’t remember what he was wearing. Maybe he read our threesome memoirs, but I am sorry spider, it’s not THAT type of party.