As I was editing our last Random Moments post, Ryan suggested that we capitalize the proper nouns, e.g. Drama King. Ryan is holding the mouse over each first letter while I backspace and then re-type the capital letter. We start from the bottom of the post..
Ryan: “Like see here…you should have a capital D, then capital D. Drama Dutchess.
What were my first thoughts when I read: Alyssa Milano Releases a Sex Tape?
I thought, oh god, not her, not my myprecious Samantha Micelli. Not my save a buck or two Eva Savelot. Wasn’t Pathology or Poison Ivy already sex tape enough? Plus she is so damn nice on twitter, I was beginning to Fear the worse. I bet she’d even retweet me if I asked nicely enough! She is such a Charmer.
I will admit, I did grow up with her on Who’s The Boss. Yes, we grew up together in more ways than one. My childhood’s Deadly Sins. It was either Wendy Cooper from Wonder Years, Punky Brewster, Laura Ingalls from Little House on The Prairie, or Samantha Micelli from Who’s The Boss. I won’t mention Saved By The Bell because even I threw myself for a loop with that one. Oh Lisa Turtle, you chocolate princess, I don’t care if Screech would have fought me to keep you from me, you gave me my first taste of jungle fever. Sex tape, rated r movie, or even a soft core after midnight Cinemax movie like Hugo Pool, our attention is yours… which was Alyssa Milano’s plan to begin with. She pulls us in like theEmbrace of the Vampire.
Oh Alyssa, if your annoying boyfriend laying in bed with rose petals surrounding him wasn’t enough, you just had to lean over and show us those glorious Eva Savelot breasts that have helped me numerous times save a friend a buck or two dialing 1-800-collect. However, before I could get too comfortable and enjoy Alyssa’s Utopia Below, her huge foot accidentally knocks the camera into The Outer Limits so all we see is the evening news regarding Syria. Honestly, I don’t know if this Celebrity Hoax Tape upsets the loyal Who’s The Boss fan base more than it will upset them when they realize that instead of recording their hot and steamy session of throwing their covers around while sounding like a laboring farm animal, they instead recorded that boring ass news broadcast.
If there was a hidden message in this video, I’d say it was Alyssa Milano isn’t showing what she has shown many times before. One thing I do know, she didn’t do PETA any favors, because after hearing the audio of what it was supposed to sound like to have sex with her, I seriously want to eat an entire cow while it’s mooing in my ear.
I’m a little bit torn because I am unsure of whether I should put this in Sex News or Off Topic sections? Alyssa, what would you prefer? Tweet me sweetie. @sexblogging
11. No toilet paper. If there’s ever a time when I have to use a public restroom, it’s because I really, really have to go. And in my rush, I’ll fail to check if there’s toilet paper. Then I have to either dig in my purse and hope I have tissue in there, even if they’re crumpled up in the bottom next to gum wrappers and pennies..or drip dry. I don’t know what’s worse – granola bar crumbs stuck to my labias or sticky panties.
10. Little kids peeping between the cracks in the stall door. It’s happened to me a few times. I can see how women take little boys into the women’s bathroom because they’re too young to go into the men’s room by themselves. But if you’re going to have your son wait INSIDE the ladies room, at least have him turn around and face the corner Blair Witch style. Because for the next 3-4 minutes, my stall and the 1″ crack in the door is my personal space.
9. No soap or paper towels. I once went to the bathroom that had an extremely long line so I ended up waiting in line against the wall. To my dismay, out of the next five people that came out of the stalls, three of them didn’t even bother to wash their hands. OH GOD! There was soap! There were paper towels! What were they thinking? Not even a quick rinse under the faucet – nothing. For the record, this bathroom was in Disney World. Certainly not the happiest place on earth.
8. My panties touching the toilet bowl. Being a creature who pees when she sits can be a curse. There have been times when I didn’t realize I haven’t pulled my panties all the way down and – ugh – they touch the toilet seat. Can it get any worse than that!? It’s like I’ve shared the same toilet paper with hundreds of women before me. I don’t know if you can get STDs from that, but I wouldn’t doubt the possibility.
So I walk into a local Mom & Pop store hoping to buy a few drinks for the work week. Unfortunately the drinks I usually buy were expired so instead of leaving empty handed I grab a few smaller drinks and head up to the counter.
As the cashier rings it up I pull out my debit card, which for the last 10 years I’ve never had a problem with. The cashier, who was eyeballing me check the dates on the drinks I put back, looks at me with a frown and says, “Sorry, we have a $5 dollar minimum limit on using debit cards.” As I step back to gather my thoughts I also notice a sign that says, “For our employees safety, no bills over 20 please.” Another sign says, “Sorry, no personal checks and no American Express.”
What the fuck.
Annoyed, I reply, “Okay, I guess I will take some gum and maybe a $.25 cent super sized lemon head? How much is that?”
The cashier responds with, “That’s $4.20, do you want something else?”
At this point I am ready to walk out of the store. I am not the type to get annoyed, frustrated easy, or write rants like this, but for whatever reason, this situation absolutely pisses me off. I respond with a blank face, “Can you just ring up $.80 cents worth of invisible product?”