Category: All Sex

December 9, 2013

Threesome Memoirs – The Intimidating (The Good, The Bad, The Ugly)

Threesome Memoirs , , , , , , 1 Comment

Threesome Memoirs: Table of Contents

intimidatingWe’ve said numerous times that finding a partner for a possible threesome isn’t an easy task, but truthfully, if we were a bit more courageous, it wouldn’t have been that difficult. Yes, it takes patience, but who would want to rush in and make that type of mistake anyway?

We’ve had flaky prospects, men pretending to be women, and ladies that get cold feet.  This is expected.  What wasn’t expected were a few offers that were so aggressive that we actually flat out turned them down.  Not that the ladies weren’t attractive, but instead were openly turned on by us and weren’t shy about what they wanted to do.  Sometimes it wasn’t even what they said, but the pictures they sent that intimidated us.

If the woman was in high heels with a huge sexy ass, swinging on what seemed to resemble either a firehouse pole or a stripper pole, I was immediately intimidated.  Unsure why, I guess I was expecting to spend time with the girl next door type.

It wouldn’t be just the photos though.  If they weren’t shy about letting me know that they were ready to meet immediately and would only fuck my man if it was okay with me, it made me a bit uncomfortable.  The aggression, the lack of communication, the rush of meeting, or just flat out intimidated.  I don’t know why.  It didn’t just scare me though, Ryan was usually the one that pulled the plugs on the wild ones.

At this pont, most readers following along with our memoirs are probably totally confused.  How could a couple that is complaining about the young and flaky find a female that is totally willing to have a threesome, yet write a blog about how it intimidates them.  What exactly do we want?

Good question.  I have no idea.  I do know exactly what I don’t want though.  I do not want a woman who is almost anxious to get me and my husband into the bedroom.  We like to talk, we like to socialize, and we also do not want our experiences to be warped by some sex machine who doesn’t care who she sleeps with, just that she is sleeping with someone.

As much as it is supposed to be difficult to have a threesome, it really is much more difficult when your standards are nearly impossible.  If we had no standards, this would have been a very short memoir section.  “Day 2, we fucked some girl and afterwards we saw her in the parking lot fucking some other guy as well.  I guess she wasn’t satisfied?”

I know this sounds shallow, but I also judged looks.  If I wasn’t attracted to the female, I would let them know that I did not think it would work out.  This actually created a few problems but regardless of personality, I wanted to be attracted to whoever I decided to invite into my bedroom.  We’ve experienced the good, the bad, and they ugly, but a lot less good than the other two.

November 22, 2013

Threesome Memoirs: Shai Wan

Threesome Memoirs , , , , , No Comments

Threesome Memoirs: Table of Contents

shy asianNot everyone can be straightforward. Not everyone can hide behind the anonymity of emails and texts. Sometimes their shyness is apparent in their language and how they project themselves in how they communicate. I’m not mad at them. Sometimes I can lack in the aggression department, and sometimes I feel I’ve said things that were out of my real life personality.

With all this being said, I came across a Asian girl who lived a few cities away and didn’t seem to be like the other females with whom I’d previously communicated. I didn’t know it at first, but she seemed very shy. I’ll call her Shai Wan.  She was the quintessential Asian: tiny, light skin, and long hair. The picture used in this blog is not her, but seriously, she was just as adorable.  In fact, she was so cute I found myself being taken back to my childhood as she reminded me of Sailor Moon and her band of hotties; I’m referring to Sailor Mars. But that’s neither here nor there.

Asians aren’t really my type, but Shai Wan was gorgeous and I couldn’t help but be attracted to her look.  At first we talked via email only. She sent a few G-rated photos of herself and I sent a few of me.  After emailing her a few times, I decided to text her. She was hot in every way, but when she started sending explicit pictures, her panties looked like off white cotton long johns.  I didn’t know if she was wearing thick white leggings or cotton grandma panties.  Either way, it wasn’t as sexy as I hoped but I still responded,    “Hot.”  I then sent an ass shot of myself in panties, too, but mine was a thong with the outline of my lips showing very clearly as if to say, “Look… this is the kind of picture you should be sending!”  But she just didn’t seem to get the hint.   “Send me another one, sexy. Bend over if you can.”  Her granny panty shot was followed with her slightly bent over in the same panties, only it was a mirror shot so the flash reflected just perfectly. Or should I say, imperfectly.  At least I knew they were live pictures and not just part of her “Hanes Her Way photo album” on her phone.

I wasn’t sure what to say. It wasn’t my job to teach her how to send dirty selfies of herself, so I ignored it. I just assumed she was being careful in what she was sending. No big deal. So was I. I then told her, “You have such a cute little ass. I wonder what your pussy tastes like?”   I really wanted to know, in fact, I still do.  I’d love to taste an Asian woman.

Before I could text, “Pull your panties to the side, let me see what you’re hiding,” she said, “Can you use code talk like ‘I want to go to your grandmother’s house for some peach cobbler?’ when asking about my private areas?  I don’t want my husband get to suspicious.”

Go to where?!  For some what?!  Did that mean if I ever wanted to talk about eating her pussy I had to refer to the area between her legs as “grandmother’s house” and her vagina as “peach cobbler”? 

Yes, she was married.  Yes, she let me know he wouldn’t understand that she was bisexual.  At this point, we were both only interested in developing a kinky little text friendship, not a threesome.  Ryan was okay with this, and I wanted to see her sexy little ass.  I guess I understood the code talk.  Like, if he grabbed her phone she would have a bunch of messages about us going to her grandmother’s house for peach cobbler.  Not really sure how she explains the selfies of her in her grandma’s panties though?   I guess she could say she borrowed was trying on her grandmother’s panties after she was done eating cobbler? 

Over the next few texts, I noticed that she started getting more and more brave. Her selfies moved to her breast shots in the mirror.  She labeled the breast picture, “my rubix cubes.”   Although she was looking down, you could clearly see her cute face.  The code talk thing was a bit awkward, but the fact she was gorgeous kept me interested.   From what I could see of her rubix cubes, they were extremely cute. However, it was apparent she had an old fashion cotton top that seemed matched her long john panties perfectly.  Maybe a little bit of black lace would have been more grown up, but I guess it adds to her overall cuteness.  I had a feeling she hadn’t been a flirty texter for very long.  The more pictures she sent, the more I felt awkward looking at them, as if I were watching a B-rated porn on my phone. Or at least Showtime after midnight wondering if this might be the one where I get to see a shadow of a nipple. 

She tried though. Even when she claimed to have accidentally emailed me a home video of her and her husband’s sex tape. Yes she sent me about a 3 minute long sex tape.  This was probably the most kinky thing she did, but unfortunately it wasn’t really a sex tape.  Also, her husband was the “Grocery Store.”  If she texted, “I am going to the grocery store” her husband was home.  That was his nickname. And in the video, that may or may not have been sent to me on purpose, I think I saw a butt cheek. It was so dark. They had sex completely under the covers. All I could see was the covers moving.  It was like a Disney porn. I turned the volume all the way up hoping I could hear a little bit of dirty talk. I heard nothing but a few whispers and  what I think was an episode of “Everybody Loves Raymond” on their bedroom television. 

This woman was beautiful and adorable, but unfortunately, a little too secretive and shy for me to continue communication.  I quickly lost interest in Shai Wan. She did absolutely nothing to stimulate me mentally or physically. I can foresee trying to meet her being limited to sitting across a table from each other with our hands in plain sight and talking dirty in code language, “I want to play with your rubix cubes and tickle your Cheerio.”

Anyway, I guess I won’t be going to the grocery store with more  peach cobbler anytime soon.   We need to find a new grandmother’s house quick, I’m getting hungry!

November 19, 2013

Threesome Memoirs: The Young and Flaky

Threesome Memoirs , , , , , , No Comments

Threesome Memoirs: Table of Contents

young and flakyAs you may or may not already know, Ryan and I have been talking about opening up our bedroom and me being with another woman.  Like any strong and open couple, we discussed our fantasies, boundaries, and how we would go about making this a reality.  We took small steps, i.e., not jumping into hard swinging, talking to others who’ve been down the same road as us, and discussing the best ways to go about finding a third, to ensure we didn’t do anything we’d regret later.

Our journey to find a third to join us in the bedroom has been more entertaining then the experience itself could ever be.  Although there is anticipation, let downs, and mini build-ups with each person we talk with, in the end, the time Ryan and I spend together discussing is worth the emotional roller coaster.

We’ve received offers via our blog and a few dating websites and we try to screen each person the best we can, prior to ever talking to them.  And then, AFTER talking to them, we’re forced to be more blunt and straightforward as far as letting people know exactly what we’re looking for.

Location is the key, they must be close.  It seemed that people wanted to be able to “fuck on a whim” and to be ready when the time came. Then there were the more trickier parts: offers from married women and the married women wanting me to have a threesome with her and her husband (which is basically 99% of every offer), single ladies but only lesbian, married but more into sending pictures than actually meeting, and of course, the very small percentage of women actually interested and comfortable with dealing with a couple.

When we first started blogging about losing my girlginity, it generated a lot of interest and even some offers from bi ladies interested in being my first.  I let it be known that even though we wouldn’t technically be adding a third person into our relationship, I still wanted to get to know the woman as a person and not be hit-it-and-quit-it.  We didn’t want to come off as picky, just careful.  Over time we continued receiving propositions, and although we were flattered, we screened each one.  It was a daunting, but fun task because we got to see the range of ladies (married, single, dating, younger, older, etc.) who were looking to experience another woman and/or a married couple.  We were very interested and eager, but there was always something about each of them that just set off a red flag.

A few months ago, I took a huge leap and called a bi woman who agreed to talk to me on the phone. She was one of our first major prospects (first woman I’ve called)  and one who Ryan and I have now  labeled Ms. Flaky.  When I decided to make that call to Ms. Flaky, Ryan and I were sitting outside waiting for our steaks to marinate. This is our relaxed environment. The weather was nice so I made us a few drinks and I was ready to call. My call had two purposes: to verify that she was really a female and not a man pretending to be woman, and to ask more questions that were just too tedious to discuss through texts or e-mail.  She was able to verify all the information, specifically, is it really a female or some pervert pretending to be one. I require this confirmation because I don’t want to talk to guy pretending to be a girl or a girl who’s talking only to please her man (usually people give off a vibe if they’re being coerced into doing something they don’t agree to).

At first, I was nervous calling, but I knew it had to be done, and this would be what they call the first step in a journey of a thousand miles.  Within seconds, I sensed that she was genuine and not someone who had a phone put into her hand by a controlling man saying, “Just talk for a few minutes.”  She was indeed a female, and not only was she a female, a very attractive one.  She seemed to be interested in hooking up with a couple, no boundaries.  She sent me a picture and I thought she was very cute (probably because of her similar mixed heritage, a plus!).  She willingly answered all our questions and was confident in what she wanted. We discussed potential dates to meet, which days would be best for us, etc.

After hanging up, I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. I sent her a photo of myself, which she said she liked. Then she asked what Ryan looked like.  I sent two pictures of him, both of which she approved.  That was one of my main concerns, I want the woman to also be attracted to my man.  Because what would that look like: being accepting of a woman who doesn’t think my man’s looks or personality are acceptable to her.  I want everyone to feel sexy and comfortable.

As time went on, Ms. Flaky would send random morning nude photos and halfway attempt to schedule some sort of meet up.  “Maybe we can meet on Sunday?” Yet when asked what time exactly, she’d tell us she would get back to us after she checked her schedule.  Sunday would come and go, and we’d maybe get a few photos but nothing regarding what time she would like to meet.  Of course I don’t want to seem overly pushy, so I don’t beg for a time, and just play each message by ear.  Over the next few weeks, we continued to text. Between texts, she would disappear for a few days, then out of the blue, I’d get another random picture with her soaping up her nude body in the shower.  Ms. Flaky was young so she knew how to string along a young guy I suppose.  But I, on the other hand, have a husband and family. It maybe took me a few of these sporadic texts to realize she was more into the attention we gave her than us as a couple.  Which is okay.  But as the days went on, I tended to pay less attention to her, as we had a few other possibilities lining up.

I joked with Ryan about getting back into the dating scene because it had been so long, but that’s what it felt like trying to get to know a person, texting, making that first call, and hearing them talk for the first time. It was exhilarating, hopeful, and thrilling all at the same time. I knew that getting through this first call would make it easier for me to meet and talk to other women.  Even if our plans with Ms. Flaky never flourished, we’ve taken this step into a lifestyle as a couple, and are much stronger coming in together than we ever were or ever could ever be.   And it is like dating again or almost being sexually reborn.  First contact, first texts, first calls, first meet ups, first kisses, and first tastes.

I still get random messages and photos from Ms. Flaky, but that prospect has passed.  I will take her cute little photos, but meeting up with her is no longer an option.

November 18, 2013

Threesome Memoirs: The DOs and DON’Ts of A Threesome

Threesome Memoirs , , , 2 Comments

Threesome ArtBy no means are we the official source for threesomes and all it’s rules, so please, do not take this article the wrong way.  We dictated our conversation to be funny, more than anything else.   Some of these DOs and DON’Ts may be for the couple, the others may be for the third partner preparing to hop in bed with the couple.  We may add things later.  Either way, enjoy:

Venice: Okay Ryan, so do you want to start?
Ryan: Oh, I don’t have much to say…
Venice: …
Ryan: What?
Venice: Okay Ryan, so do you want to start?
Ryan: Well, I’m a bit too passive for this type of…
Venice: Stop, shutup, stop, shutup, stop.
Ryan: …
Venice: Okay Ryan, so do you want to start?
Ryan:  Ladies, please wash your vaginas.  Why I have to even say this is beyond me, but trust me, this has to be said.  I do not care if your ex-boyfriends never complained or thought you smelled great after a long day of work and a nightly jog, I don’t.  I’m  not yo….
Venice:  … I don’t either.
Ryan: We’re not your boyfriend.  Think of your threesome as Prom Night okay?  Prepare.  In fact, take a long bath with Epsom salts and seriously, do a few bathtub angels…
Venice: Oh my god Ryan?  Bathtub angels?  Are you making things up on the spot right now?
Ryan:  Listen, think of laying in the bathtub like you would lay in the snow.  Now, make mini snow angels in your bathtub.  I’m not so much concerned about your arms here as I am about your thighs and legs.   Open, close, open, close.
Venice: Get a nice little vortex of water swishing around there ladies.
Ryan: Yes, I want you to imagine that two little ants are riding a river raft around your crotch area on the surface of your bath water…
Venice: Think about Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn here ladies…
Ryan: Yes, just imagine a little wood raft and two little ants riding around your bath water.  Your legs should be opening and closing enough to turn that calm water  into the rapids.  Create enough chaos to knock those little ants off the raft.
Venice: We need to create a lot of water movement here in this area
 <Venice hand gestures and circles around her vagina area.>
Ryan: Don’t worry about those imaginary ants drowning, they will be fine.  Just concentrate on your bathtub angels.
Venice:  You should look like you are  doing horizontal jumping jacks underneath the water.
Ryan:  Exactly.    Think horizontal jumping jacks in a bathtub filled with Epsom salt.
Venice: To be fair though, I’d like to see the men also do some bathtub angels themselves.  Don’t be bashful fellas, get your legs moving and let the water flow between your balls.
Ryan: Okay, I can see that.  Men, you know, your balls aren’t potpourri puffs.  A few mini bathtub angels for everyone involved in the threesome,  is an absolute DO on our list.  Okay?
Venice: Got it.
Ryan: Wait, wait, was that offensive though?  I don’t really want to…
Venice: Just stop now, before you backpedal your way into something that actually is offensive.
Ryan: I’m just saying, a few bathtub angels a day… keeps the douche bag away.
Venice: Please stop.
Ryan: …
Venice: So I guess my role with this article will be to keep things flowing smoothly.  I’m afraid Ryan would talk about these bathtub angels all article so I will try to keep him focused and the blog moving.  After we are done, I will put together a list…
Ryan:  …are you done Ryan Seacrest?
Venice: You’re so annoying it’s cute.  Okay, so what else?
Ryan: Listen ladies, and yes this is directed at the ladies.  First, I’m sorry I targeted your vaginas as my first issue with a threesome.  I just feel like maybe you get a little too comfortable and think every man loves your vagina the same.   So the bathtub angels seriously can change your life…
Venice: Enough already with the fucking bathtub angels…
Ryan: …
Venice:  Anything else?
Ryan: Did you really have to call them fucking bathtub angels?
Venice: Anything else?
Ryan: Yes, I do have more to talk about Venice Seacrest.  I didn’t realize I was under time limitations here.
Venice: Tick tock.
Ryan: Like I said, ladies, I am focusing on you because I don’t sit here and fantasize about men during a threesome.  Sorry, that’s just not my thing.  My do’s and don’t’s are for the ladies.
Venice: Okay, thanks for clearing that up Ryan.  Let’s just only offend the ladies, when that’s all were looking for.  Great.
Ryan: Anyway, for the last few years I have been teased by Venice, whether it be a few videos or photos, of two women sharing a cock.
Venice: Yesssss.
Ryan: It’s a simple image but this is something that has been so built up in my head for years now.  If I am engaged in a threesome and I hear my wife talking to another woman, “Yea hold his cock while I suck it,” I want to look down and see the greatest image imaginable.
Venice: Yea, that’s a hot visual for sure.
Ryan: If I look down and it looks like a mechanic’s hands, you know, black grease under your fingernails like you have been out in a body shop all day or you have been eating Oreo cookies wrong, I couldn’t be turned off more.  You just turned my biggest fantasy into a visual oil change.  For the love of God, clean or clip your nails, paint them, do something sexy so the man can look down and enjoy the moment.
Venice: Ugh, this absolutely goes for men too.  I don’t want to ever see Ryan’s dirty fingernails while he is rubbing me down.  Most of these rules are across the board here.  The last thing we want, as women, is our man’s nails dirty.  We know you work, we know you bust your asses for us, but don’t quit busting your ass when you hit the time clock. Come home and bust your ass washing underneath your nails.
Ryan: Good point.  Like I said, I cannot stress this enough, Prom Night.  This should be a big moment for everyone involved.  Preparation is a must.   If you are that comfortable having a threesome that you go out without your nails done, without your vagina washed, and you’re wearing some old cotton panties, then you seriously need to look at your life and make some changes.  I’m not trying to be judgmental, but seriously, you shouldn’t be THAT comfortable having a threesome.
Venice: So you’re saying that a woman should also buy some nice lingerie?
Ryan: Absolutely.  Maybe even something she has never worn before.  Make your moments special.  I mean, I hated the first day of school but I always loved wearing my new shoes and outfits.  It at least made the day special.  The threesome may suck, but not because you didn’t feel sexy.   If you feel and look sexy, you’ll be sexy.  Plus, I don’t really want a strange woman sitting on my face with a pair of lingerie she decided she didn’t have to wash, because she only wore them one other time for 15 minutes, when she sat on her ex-boyfriends face prior to him taking them off.
Venice: Oh God Ryan, you are too much.  So basically, we lost our last reader with that visual.
Ryan: People really read our stuff?  Cool.  I thought we were saving these blogs for our grandkids one day.  Listen little Suzy, you’ve been a great grandchild, but change your panties.  Okay?
Venice: …
Ryan: …
Venice: …
Ryan: What?  I’m just saying, new lingerie is good.
Venice:  No, you weren’t just saying that.  None the less, I agree, I want to have a new bra, new panties, and even a new shirt or something when I meet with a woman I am interested in.  I want to be totally shaved, bathed, and even put lotions on my tummy and inner thighs to make sure not just my vagina is ready, but no matter which path she takes, she enjoys her trip.
Ryan: Lotions ladies.  This is a good thing.  This one, may not be an across the board though.  Venice gets upset when I put cocoa butter on my penis or bal…
Venice: …because I don’t want you to smell like cocoa butter.   I love you shaved, I love a well groomed man, for sure.  What I don’t love, is going down on my man and he smells better than me.  No.  There are some things I want natural.  I want to suck your dick and rub on your balls, and imagine this is what it would be like if I was sucking Tarzan’s dick.  I don’t want lotion, cologne, or any other smell interfering with my experience.  I know, it sounds dumb, but some things are just better natural.
Ryan: I like cocoa butter though…
Venice: Well, sorry, I don’t want to lick your balls and accidently bite into them because they remind me of my favorite Christmas cookie Ryan.
Ryan: Yea, we don’t want that.
Venice: I bet you don’t.
Ryan: …
Ryan: So, as she was saying, ladies, lotion is a good thing.  Men, not so much.
Venice: No offense, but when I go down on a lady, I do not want to smell Ms. Tarzan.  My entire attraction to women is knowing they take care of themselves the same way I do.  I want to smell lotions, I want to see her sexy nails, I want to pull off her sexy lingerie, and I definitely want to lick her whole body and feel like I just walked down the aisles of Bath and Body Works.
Ryan: So sexy.
Venice: Thank you.  Anything else you have to add to the Dos and Don’ts?
Ryan: Yup, are you ready?
Venice: Oh no.
Ryan:  Ladies, seriously.  If you are planning to spend the night with a couple, or the lady in the couple is planning on hooking up with a third, do not let a man ejaculate in your vagina the night before.
Venice: Oh my…
Ryan: No, no, don’t cut me off here because this one is probably the reason why I mentioned the bathtub angels to begin with.
Venice: Go on.
Ryan: I would never want another woman to go down on my wife and have to deal with day my old cum residue because I couldn’t control myself the night before.  I mean seriously, who wants this?
Venice: I know I don’t.
Ryan: I will be totally honest, the morning of a possible threesome, even before our last shower, I will ask Venice is she wants me to “clean her out.”
Venice: It sounds worse than it really is.
Ryan: Basically I will “clean her pipes” for about 5 minutes, not to orgasm, not to have sex, but to really clean her out so she is prepared for our experience.
Venice: This keeps my body totally fresh, and it also gets my new juices flowing so the woman who joins us can really enjoy me.
Ryan: That’s what I am saying.
Venice: Okay, so I think I got it.  Ladies, try not to get creampied the night before you have a threesome.  I promise you, the next day, the other two will not enjoy you.  I don’t care what type of magic spoon you think you have that can dip inside your body and get all of the old creampie out, your spoon sucks.
Ryan:  Ha!
Venice: I’m serious
Ryan: The only time I ever smell anything unusual with you is after I orgasm inside you the night before .  Most people do not talk about this, but, a lot of times the woman’s odor is less because of herself, and more because of the two body fluids mixing together and the body cleaning itself out the next day.  Our bodies aren’t magic and sperm doesn’t just vanish into thin air inside of vaginas.
Venice: And for the record, I always clean up afterwards.   Anything else?
Ryan: Well, do I have to mention all the more common sense things like good hygiene?
Venice: Brush, wash, comb hair, trim, shave…
Ryan: …things you should be doing regardless of a threesome.
Venice: I will add a few of my own.
Ryan: Okay, that sounds good.
Venice: As a couple, never ignore the third person in the room.  Could you imagine how awkward that would be for the third person to be there watching the couple make out and totally forget she is there in the first place?
Ryan: Maybe she didn’t follow the rules mentioned above?
Venice: Ha, that’s true.
Ryan: If a couple is interested in a threesome and they accidently leave the third uninvolved, that’s a big sign.
Venice: You’re probably right, but nonetheless, couples, do not be rude.  Take care of your guest.

Let’s recap…

DOs
Wash your vagina/balls
Manicure (clean nails, polished, etc.)
Clean sexy lingerie and/or panties
Lotions
Hygiene, hygiene, hygiene

DON’Ts
Creampie the night before
Couples, do not ignore the third person

If you have your own DOs and DON’Ts, please add them in the comment section!

November 14, 2013

Threesome Memoirs: Pat the Squirter

Threesome Memoirs , , , , , , 1 Comment

Threesome Memoirs: Table of Contents

pat the squirterI will be totally honest with you, I have no idea if this next prospect was a man or woman.   For future references, I will just call it, Pat the Squirter.

Now, me calling Pat the Squirter a prospect is extremely misleading.  It was never a prospect.  It was actually one of the first persons I communicated with about the possibility of a threesome, and it never went beyond talking through a website, email messages, and yahoo messenger.  I met this person, supposedly a single woman, on the swinging website I have mentioned multiple times in the past, swinglifestyle.com.  Since it’s against that website’s TOS (Terms Of Service) to talk about different members of that website openly, I will not mention any real specifics.

Pat the Squirter was interesting indeed.  She originally contacted me with pictures attached of her (or someone’s) vagina spread wide open and the sheets soaking wet.  Within her first or second sentence of introducing herself, she asked, “You aren’t turned off by women who squirt right?  Because I squirt all over.  I can’t control it.”

She went on to talk about all the different locations she liked to meet up with couples in our city and all her favorite hotels.  She’d talk about certain hotels where she had probably squirted on every comforter blanket in each room (Hampton Inn — stay away).  She was proud of that.   With each picture she sent she got nastier and more graphic.  The bodies of the women seemed a bit different with every picture set, but I just assumed she was getting older or some of the pictures were from years ago.  I also assumed, some women in this lifestyle live in their past or have pictures they love from years ago.  Eventually she asked for some of my pictures and I replied,  “I will need to call you for phone verification first.”

She then went into multiple reasons why should could never text or talk on the phone.  Reason 1: She was in the process of a messy divorce and she would lose everything if she had random numbers on her phone records.  Reason 2: She was from a rich family that is very known in the city we are from, and if word got out her family would disown her.  She needed to make sure we didn’t know each other in real life before she spoke on the phone with me.  Reason 3: She has moved out of her home and the lady she cares for monitors her very closely and gets annoyed by phone calls of any kind. Reason 4: She no longer has a phone and was going to pick up a cheap one when she got a chance.

Now, what exactly could she do?  Well, apparently she could be on yahoo messenger and email 24 hours a day because once I gave out my information, she wouldn’t leave me alone.  She claims she was being  monitored closely, but she could sit at her computer all day and nothing could be traced (yea right).  Truthfully, I set up my first yahoo messenger account just to talk with Pat the Squirter, because that is what she insisted on.  I had one friend on yahoo messenger, her.  After a few weeks of talking on y! messenger and hearing each of the different reasons why she couldn’t phone verify, I got tired of dealing with her.  Unfortunately, she didn’t get tired of me.

She’s probably the first person I had to literally email block.  Why?  Because she was completely bat shit crazy and would not stop sending me messages.  After I blocked her emails and y! messages, maybe a month or so later, I got a random message on yahoo from “hungandhandsom384039”, or some weird variation.  Like with Pat the Squirter, this person would message me over and over for days, with no response.  I had my notifications turned off, so when I finally did see all the missed messages, it didn’t take much for me to figure out the only other person on earth with my  yahoo messenger name was, Pat the Squirter.  Therefore, one could conclude that this new person, with a man’s name, was Pat.  Did I ever ask?  No.  I blocked the other name as well and uninstalled yahoo messenger.

I eventually got to know a few other couples and singles off the same swinging website, and low and behold, each of them had the same exact story.  Of course, Pat’s name changed per which personality she decided she was going to be, her story changed, her city changed, but the fact she was a squirter was pretty consistent.  Her not talking to any of them on the phone was pretty consistent too.  If I would bring up her account name to a few new friends, the first thing I would hear was, “Oh my god, don’t talk with her, she is crazy as hell.”

Was Pat the Squirter totally down to have a threesome?  Yes.  Was she totally down to do everything we wanted within our limits?  Sure!  Although she did tell me at one point, “All women say they want their men to have a limited role but as soon as I am ass up and naked in the hotel room, most women end up watching their husbands plow into me with their hard cocks, fuck me like a rabbit, and bury their balls in me as they try to cum as deep in my stomach as they can.”

I laughed, I blocked, and I learned one of my first lessons in opening up my bedroom to a possible stranger. Phone verification, phone verification, phone verification.

Pat, Bella (Bill), Carla (Carl), Donna (Don), whatever your name is…  get help.