Red-Headed She-Devil

Reenactment of DM at office Christmas party
Long before I met my wife, I worked for a somewhat large company which I will not name.  I was single so I would flirt with a few co-workers and eventually got a reputation as the office ladies’ man.  Although it wasn’t true, the moniker was flattering.  I’ve never really been attracted to blond girls, which if I recall, most of the single women in this office were.  I guess the fact none of these women were really my type gave me a bit more confidence to be extra charming and witty.   I met up with some of them after work, but beyond a few long nights and a couple of drinks, I made it clear I wasn’t looking for a relationship.   Not with them at least.  Soon I’d try my luck with the district manager, a slightly older redhead, who would stop by our office every few Fridays to make sure things were going okay.   I am not sure if it was the power of her being my boss or her hot little body that tempted me to flirt, but I know it wasn’t her red hair.   Since I was a kid I’ve had this fear of redheads.  I am not sure if in preschool or day care I had a redhead that would watch over me, possibly beating me if I yelled too loud or ate a crayon or something.  Some kids were afraid of clowns and creepy dolls, I was afraid of redheads.  Although I knew I shouldn’t have, I’d always compliment my DM’s outfit and asked if she was staying in town for the weekend.  Of course she’d say no, she was just in town for the day.  I’d act disappointed, but really it was all a game.  Like with the other ladies in the office, I wasn’t interested, especially with her being a bit pale and redheaded.    One Friday, the district manager was in town.  She came into my office and as usual, she asked how things were going and I replied, “They are going great now that you are here.”   I smirked a bit, knowing my little flirtations wouldn’t amount to much.   “So, are you going to stay in town this weekend or am I going to have to drive up to your place?”   I laughed again and sort of winked as I said it.  I figured that would be that, she would decline and move elsewhere in the office.  

Instead, she immediately replied, “Actually, I was thinking about you before I came down and decided to myself, if Mr. Smith asks me out to dinner tonight I will accept.”   

WHAT THE FUCK.   You have got to be fucking kidding me.   I said that in my head for sure, but my mouth said, “Sounds great!” 

If you’ve seen the movie “3 o’clock High,” that’s how I watched the clock.  It seemed to move in double time.  For the rest of day, I noticed the DM walking casually stopping and looking in my office.  I tried to avoid eye contact, but it seemed like she stand there until I looked up and smile.  My smile was an uncomfortable smile, but I don’t think she noticed.  Hers was a controlling, overbearing grin.   I felt like I was five-years-old again and hungry for crayons.  My fear kicked in and I absolutely did not want to go out with this woman.   As the little boy inside my head told me to run for the door and leave my cell phone on the office desk so she couldn’t call, the grown man told me to man up and get over my fears.  It wasn’t like I had to fuck her or anything.  Sit through dinner, get out as fast as I can, and enjoy the rest of my weekend.

That afternoon, as we were closing up the office, she asked if we should ride together.  She suggested leaving her vehicle there and picking it up later.  I told her that may not be a good idea because of office gossip.  I suggested we take our own vehicles and meet at the restaurant.   I knew I had to get there first so I called her from the car and gave her bad directions.   This gave me plenty of time to get inside the bar and grill and work the bar a bit.   

After she showed up about 30 minutes late, I was definitely buzzed and feeling great.  The restaurant was a bit dark, and she looked a bit less pale, and a bit more brunette.  The alcohol was kicking in.  I thought to myself, Maybe this isn’t such a bad thing.   She sat next to me and ordered a salad and a pina colada.  I apologized for the wrong directions and asked where she was staying for the night.  She looked at me and said, “Your place.”   I laughed a bit and she made a joke about me wanting to get drunk before dinner.  I played it off and replied, “I couldn’t handle a woman like you sober.   You make me too nervous.”   She laughed and said she was warned about the office flirt.   

After about 30 minutes of small talk and drinks, she asked if we could go to my place.  I panicked a bit and told her I live with my parents.  Although I had been out of my parents’ house for years, my drunken mind couldn’t think of a better answer.  She laughed hysterically and patronized me.  “Oh, the big office ladies’ man lives with his parents!”  She laughed again.  “How does coming back to the boss’ hotel room sound?”  I felt trapped, especially because she was my boss.  I responded that I would make sure she got to her hotel safe and that I had to be home early tonight.  Tipsy, she replied that I was so young and probably had a curfew.   I didn’t respond, but she then added, “It’s okay, I imagine this won’t take long.”   I assumed she meant finding a hotel, but I guess it could have been regarding my age and me not lasting long in bed.   

We left the restaurant and headed to a hotel.  She came out to my car after she got her room and asked me to come inside.  My buzz was already wearing off and she was turning back into the abusive pre-k teacher that used to beat me with a ruler.   I declined and reminded her that it may be a bad idea with her being my boss and all.  She looked at me and said “If you were smart, that’s the exact reason it’s a good idea.”  

Was that a threat?  I wasn’t sure, but a bit foggy-minded, I agree and went up to her hotel room.  As I walked into the room she shut the door behind me and tried to rip off my shirt.   Unlike the movies, my polo shirt didn’t have buttons to rip away, and I almost fell to the floor after she yanked.  It was almost like a hockey toss.  I asked what the hell she was doing and she responded drunkenly me to shut up.   I felt trapped by this she-devil and suddenly had an urge to escape.  My fear had come full circle and although she thought what she was doing sexy, I was terrified.  She ripped off her skirt and panties before I could get off the floor.  I tried to get up but she immediately hopped on top of me and shoved her panties in my mouth.  I tried to gag them out but she is held her hands tightly over my face, clawing her fingernails over my cheeks.   She then stood up, putting her foot on my throat.  I saw her bright red bush hovering over me and turned my head to the side like a baby refusing his medicine.  She immediately squatted down and I saw what appeared to be a dagger wound between her thighs covered with red hair.   This was my worst fear and the ugliest vagina I had ever seen.  She rubbed herself on my face, demanding me to stick my tongue inside her.  I refused and tried to get out the words, “condom…..”    She seemed to ignore my request and forced my pants down to my knees.  She pulled my penis out from my boxer hole and forced her mouth on it.  I tried my hardest to not enjoy, but the sensation was too much.   I again asked her to please let me get a condom, and she finally stopped and acknowledged me.  She turned around and said I have one minute.    I got up and waddled to the bathroom with my pants around my ankles.  I was unsure why I didn’t leave immediately.  Whether it was the alcohol reasoning or just the fear, I told myself to put on two condoms and fake ejaculate as soon as I could.  She knew I was young and wouldn’t last long, she insinuated that herself.  I got myself situated and walked out of the bathroom.  I kicked off my pants, which were still down around one leg and looked around the corner.  She jumped out again, fully nude, and threw me on the bed.   I saw her breasts for the first time, but I couldn’t see her nipples.  I am not sure if her nipples matched her pale skin tone, or if she had a thousand nipples that look liked freckles.  Either way, I decided to just close my eyes and think of another woman.

She hopped on me and forced her vagina down on my semi-hard penis. She looked down at me and said she was going to fuck me better than I had ever been fucked.  Her breath smelled awful.  If I could mix a tad bit of ginger with some alcohol and a truckload of horse shit together, that would be her breath.   I felt nauseous.  I began to count down in my head, “10 missisippi, 9 mississippi….” As slow as possible, preparing to fake cum.   I would have started from a higher number but I wasn’t sure if I could stay conscious long enough to finish my count.   Unsure of how to fake an orgasm, I began to twitch and moan.   I yelled out that I was cumming and she immediately started to choke me with her hands.  I remember her saying something like, “You little bitch boy, my pussy is so good you can’t hold your sperm in your balls for five minutes for me?”  I nodded and continued to twitch.   Although my penis was never fully erect, it was progressively getting more flaccid the longer I saw her nude on top of me.   As she felt my penis slide out of her, she got up, laughed and said, “Office flirt huh?”  and slapped my ass. 

I got up, feeling a bit confused and went to the bathroom.   I took my time hoping she would be able to put some clothes on before I got out; I really didn’t want to see another redhead in my life, especially nude.  I took off both condoms and threw them in the trash.  I washed my crotch with soap and hot water, as hot as I could stand it.   I am not sure why she would leave her own room, but maybe she will just leave town or something.  I walked back out into the room and she was lying on the bed fully nude, both legs up in the air with her ass and vagina exposed, rubbing herself.   As I glanced I noticed that her anus looked like a fish mouth with bright red lipstick covered with a red goatee.   She demanded I come lick her everywhere and get her off.   I felt extremely sick and told her I had to leave.   She got up immediately and said, “Fine then, you selfish fuck.”   She walked to the bathroom and slammed the door.  I grabbed my pants and searched around for my shirt.   When I found my shirt, she stormed out of the bathroom holding both condoms in her hand.  I asked her what she was doing and she said, “YOU DID NOT CUM IN THESE!”   Playing dumb, I asked if there was a hole in it.  She then said, “No, there is no hole, I don’t see any cum in here at all.”   A bit startled, I asked her if she seen Finding Nemo.   As men, we dump our semen down the toilet in the slight chance one of our boys make it to the ocean.  She then said, “I smelled both of them, there is no semen smell!”  

I quickly replied, “I eat a lot of pineapples.”

She then looks at me with her evil eyes and says, “I tasted them!” 

Oh my god, this she-devil is insane.  I made a final attempt at redeeming myself, “So maybe you tasted the wrong side.  When I take them off, they flip inside out!”

She ran at me full speed holding a condom in each hand, swinging them as hard as she could and said, “I tasted both sides!!!”

I dropped my shirt and tried to scramble past her.  She scratched my back and hit me in the face with both condoms over and over before I can finally get by her and to the door.  I jumped out into the hallway and ran out to my car.  

Although I loved my job, a few weeks later I was terminated for reasons unrelated to this incident. 

The moral of this story? Redheads are soulless.

*This story was created as a joke.  Although it’s sexual in nature, we just wanted to make people laugh.  

12 Date Night Ideas

Date night
Date night.

1. No money? No problem! Like many couples, we didn’t have the luxury of spending money. In fact, we scrimped and saved so much that we had very, very few date nights. So one day, we went to Toys R Us and bought a coloring book and a box of crayons. The Crayola 64-pack, to be exact. We splurged. That night, Mr. Smith and I colored, he on the left pages and I on the right. Then we played a game of “let’s see who can name the most crayon colors without looking at the label.” I don’t remember who won. It was probably me though.

2. Record Hunting. Who would have thought I’d see another Fleetwood Mac record after I moved out of my parents’ house? Digging for records is something we enjoy doing together. We look for imperfections, scratches on the record, dented cover art – these were made 20-30 years ago, and finding them in the best condition is very difficult. We find it relaxing.

3. Blockbuster Night. Or a Netflix night, even a Redbox night. I could watch a zombie movie or a comedy, or one of each. Nothing like finding an excuse to squeeze Mr. Smith’s hand or have him cover my eyes. Another idea is to have a theme, like a Russell Crowe-a-thon or movies from the 80s. Have your remote controls ready and don’t forget your popcorn.

4. Bookworming. Another relaxing date is hanging out at the bookstore. It doesn’t matter if it’s Books-a-Million or a used book store. We usually don’t end up buying any books, maybe a magazine and a coffee.

5. Level up. We can spend an entire night playing video games. Revisit your childhood together by playing a video game. If it’s a one-player game you’ll have to pass the paddle; two-player games are even better.

6. Free events. The calendar on our city’s website has a list of free events: poetry readings, recitals, exhibitions, etc. You can plan them several months in advance so if you don’t feel like spending a ton of money or you’re looking for a change from the ordinary,

7. Thrift shopping. One year we decided to wear cheesy Christmas sweaters to our holiday parties. We just knew that it wouldn’t be a problem finding them. But believe it or not, they ranged between $20-$60 that year on eBay. Umm…no. Our local Goodwill had them, of course. And for $3. I wouldn’t really consider this a date night, but it’s still something fun to do without spending a lot of money.

8. Turn up the heat. In the kitchen, that is. The Food Network has a lot of meals that are inexpensive, quick, with ingredients that are available at your local grocery store. I’ve used the Food Network website to come up with appetizers, meals, and desserts. It’s a trial and error thing, but it’s a great way to put variety in your dinner dates.

9. Go camping. Tents can be pricey. Before we bought our own, we rented one and pitched it in our yard. The next morning we were awaken by ants. Lesson: don’t bring Cheese Puffs into your tent because even if they’re unopened they’ll find them.

10. The new place. Try a new restaurant that neither of you have been to. It doesn’t have to be a $40 a plate joint. Go to the new Indian restaurant or that place that makes oven-baked subs. You’ll both be experiencing something new, and therefore creating a new memory together.

11. Say cheese! We may forego our Friday night date if we’re too tired. But the next day we’ll walk around downtown or along the river and take pictures. Not with a photo app, but with a Nikon.

12. Re-enact your first date. Remember your first date together? Make a play list of music from that year, wear the same outfit, and go back to that theater where you first saw that nights we’ve had. Here are some of my favorites:


This blog post is a work in progress.
Last updated:    10/30/2012

6 Spots Cosmo Won’t Tell You About


Guys, make sure you keep your bodies cleaned thoroughly so you and your partner can really appreciate your body.  Although Cosmo won’t tell you about these spots, they are heavy producers of sweat and pheromones, which by instinct, attract a woman. 

Before deodorant, cologne, and socially unacceptable body odor, cave women were attracted to the cave man who was the strongest, bravest, and always brought home food from hunting.  His hard work caused him to sweat and release pheromones.  Today, while women have evolved and trained to being attracted to the suit-and-tie, we are still drawn to the sweaty pool guy, the hard-working cowboy, or the grimy masculine soldier. 
On your average man, these areas mentioned below are rarely touched by women.  In fact, you may very well be the first person to explore these places on your partner.  Every woman wants to be her man’s first – here’s your chance.  You’ll make yourself more memorable, which in return makes you more appreciated.  Even if you end up breaking up, he will remember you and what you did to his body . He may deny that he ever loved you and hates everything about you, but he’ll never forget how special you made him feel.
1.  His underarms. A man loves to get licked and lightly kissed under his arms.  I don’t use it as an only tool for foreplay, but I do spend a few minutes under my mans arms just to warm him up.  You will be surprised how fast this area will create an erection.  Not only that, his underarms are very strong with pheromones – take time and appreciate your man.


2.  The crease between his thighs and scrotum.  This is another area very strong with pheromones, so enjoy your partner.   Before I put my mouth on Mr. Smith’s dick, I like to lightly nibble and suck on the creases where his thighs meet his balls.  This area is what makes your man your man

3.  His guiche.   Pronounced “gooch,” this is the area between the anus and the scrotum.  If you’ve studied your man body, you’ve noticed the small line that runs down the middle of his scrotum to his anus.  This is a great start for your tongue to trace this line.   If you stop halfway, before his anus, you can lick with a bit more pressure.  This is the area of his body where his prostate is located.  Licking this spot prior to sex is a great warm up, but try stroking your partner until he orgasms, while at the same time sucking and licking the guiche.  You will enjoy feeling each thrust and squeeze of his ejaculation while helping him to achieve a much more intense orgasm.   

4.  HIs anus.   Why stop at the guiche?  A real woman wouldn’t, because she knows through her own experience that a tongue on your anus is one of the greatest feelings in the world.  If she doesn’t know that, neither of you are doing your jobs in the bedroom properly.  Because of E-coli and other bacteria, I would  only suggest exploring your partner’s anus after a thorough cleaning.  I’d also ask myself if this guy deserves this, specifically, if I want to be with him forever.  If the answer to all of those questions are affirmative, dive in!   I like to drill my tongue into his sphincter as well as gently lick and circle it.  I love having the same done to me.

5.  In between his upper butt cheeks.  Some people call it the plumber’s crack, I call it another secret spot Cosmo would never tell you about.  The is the area that spans from the anus to the little dimples above where his back meets his butt cheeks.  This area is best accessed when on all fours or when your partner is lying on his stomach.  The fact that this area is never touched it what makes it so special and sensitive, and as long as your partner is clean, there is no reason not to let your tongue explore here.  The concept of rolling him over is also a sign of submission, so empower yourself and let your partner enjoy the idea of being pampered, with your tongue.  As you lick this area, you could pull his penis from behind or reach up and massage his shoulders.   Take control.

6.  HIs urethra / pee hole.  Mr. Smith likes for me to gently slide the tip of my tongue into his peehole.   This area is very sensitive so make sure to let him know what you want to do by a little bit of dirty talk — take your time.  This is the same area on a man’s penis that will rub against the back of your vagina walls when he is balls deep.   The idea of licking inside his body turns him on the same way he loves to lick inside your body.   There are various other ways to play with a man’s peehole, but I’ll save that for another blog.  

So ladies, go slow and enjoy his intimate areas.  If you’re grossed out by any of these places, especially the first 2, then this blog may be a bit too much for you.  Mr. Smith and live a completely open and carefree sex life and do not consider anything “gross” or “yucky.”  As you mature, you will realize how important it is to know your partner’s entire body, especially if you consider him/her your soulmate.

This blog post is a work in progress.
Last updated:    10/30/2012


Japanese Masturbation Bars for Women

masturbationbarLove Joule, located in the Shibuya entertainment district, opened in July and provides Japan, according to its Web site, with its first “love and sex bar dedicated to women.”  Woman masturbation is not as openly accepted in Japan and this is something some Japanese women would  like to change. 

The wall behind the counter is adorned with dozens of colorful sex toys. Megumi Nakagawa, the bar’s proprietor, explains that typically a bar will have bottles of alcohol lining the wall. The appearance of vibrators, however, provides women with more confidence in speaking about spanking.

“Once they take a seat, customers are able to experience a pleasant place in which they can openly discuss masturbation,” says Nakagawa. “Since most people view female masturbation as something of a mystery or taboo, it is not a usual topic at typical bars.”

Nakagawa describes the atmosphere at Bar Joule as “fashionable and sexy in a different kind of space — perfect for girls-only discussions or a date.”

Customers include women from the commercial sex (fuzoku) industry and adult video (AV) actresses. On the bar’s Facebook page, former AV star Nayuka Mine visited in September, as did Sayo Hayakawa, the fashion model known for appearing in Koakuma Ageha.

But gents should take note that only women are allowed, with exceptions being made for men accompanied by ladies.

Note: Brief extracts from Japanese vernacular media in the public domain that appear here were translated and summarized under the principle of “fair use.” Every effort has been made to ensure accuracy of the translations. However, we are not responsible for the veracity of their contents. The activities of individuals described herein should not be construed as “typical” behavior of Japanese people nor reflect the intention to portray the country in a negative manner. Our sole aim is to provide examples of various types of reading matter enjoyed by Japanese.

Source: Tokyo Reporter


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