Q&A: My Husband Cheated On Me With His Best Friend

Miya via Internet

I’m here because I found out my husband is cheating on me and I need advice. 

Some background information:

My husband and I have been married for 5 years and have 1 child.  We married young and although I never told him, a few days before my wedding my husband’s best friend made a pass at me.  I figured it was the alcohol and didn’t want to ruin my wedding so I never told anyone.  Although he never hit on me again, I always felt he was a douche. 

Anyway, last week I was sitting on the couch with my husband watching television.  He just upgraded his phone to the iphone 5 a few months earlier.  I was messing around on it  and for whatever reason he just snatched it out of my hand.   I didn’t say anything because I never really went through his phone before, but I knew this was a red flag.   

When he went to sleep, I snuck over to his side of the bed and grabbed his phone off his night stand. He must have just added a lock code but I  put in his birtthday and it unlocked.  At first I checked his browse history and didn’t find anything suspicious.  I then went to his bookmarks and text messages, still nothing.  At this point I figured I overreacted and started just messing with his pictures and stuff.  Immediately I noticed that he had some porn type stuff.  I looked closer and it was him.  My jaw hit the floor.

There are tons and I mean tons of pictures of my husband giving oral sex to another man.  Even more disturbing is the fact that the majority of the pictures show my husband’s face covered in semen. I just totally lost it and started crying. To make matters worst, there is a video of him giving his friend a blow job on the toilet.   This is how I figured out who the other man was, in the video I hear them both talking back and forth.    It’s his best friend. 

I’m so disgusted because these two have been friends for over a decade and I feel like my entire marriage was a lie.    Should I just file for divorce after I show him what I found or should I have a talk with him about our relationship?  I am confused because there is no other woman.  At the same time, I am disgusted by what I saw.  I am also heartbroken by all the lies.  I don’t think I can ever trust him again.  I feel so used.  I also feel this weird feeling that maybe he asked his best friend to hit on me hoping I would cheat on him with his secret lover.  This is all just so confusing.

Any advice would be appreciated.


Venice’s response:

Thank you for your question.  I’m sorry that you have been put in an awful situation.  But the solution is simple: get out while you can.  I know it’s easier said than done to tell you to leave him, especially when you have a young child together.  But I’m thinking about the long run as his sexual desires progress by moving to other areas of his life.  I don’t pass judgement on his sexual preferences, but it’s his dishonesty that has caused him to keep secrets from you.  You could have gone to counseling or separated amicably, but now you have to worry about how long he has been doing this, with how many men, if he has any diseases, if you have any diseases, and of course, the lies he has told you in order to be with other men.  It’s endless.
There are multiple levels of wrongness done to you: cheating, dishonesty, and the betrayal of your wedding vows.  I could understand if you’ve both had prior discussions about bringing other fantasies into your marriage, but it doesn’t seem like you have.  Or even if you have, you certainly did not agree to the behavior and lifestyle portrayed by the pictures with his friend.  Even if he says he’s willing to change, you have to understand that the hormones that drive a man are very powerful, strong enough to put his marriage, health, and family, in danger.   If you do decide to stay with him, understand that his sexual demons are hard to expel, so know that he will have to work with those demons on an hourly basis to keep them from taking over his life.  Get answers, get honest answers: is there even the slightest possibility that he could do this to you again.  I would want 100% assurance, and if there’s the slightest hesitation, it’s over.  I would never give advice I wouldn’t take myself.  In this case, I would leave.  

I would also get tested for STD’s just in case.

Ryan’s response:

Personally I feel cheating and lying can’t exist without the other.  The two cannot be seperated.  There is a huge difference between being open and honest with your partner about your life and desires, and living out your desires but keeping your partner totally in the dark.  The act of being with another person isn’t cheating, it’s the act of being with another person and lying about it.   I want to make sure I said that because you mention that you were confused because there was no other woman.  I get what you are saying, because if Venice was to sleep with another woman, I wouldn’t be upset unless she kept it a secret from me.  The secret could mean Venice has feelings, wants to betray me, enjoys sneaking around, or just knows she was doing something wrong.  For me, this behavior is a violation of your relationship.  He doesn’t respect you or your feelings.  That’s cheating, regardless of the lover being the same sex.

With that being said, you were blatantly lied to and cheated on.   You are not confused at all, you are exactly right, your entire relationship is a lie.  You should never trust your husband again and my advice is to get out while you can.  Not only is he not the man you thought he was, but he is possibly totally gay and in the closet.  He may have used you to hide his secret life, but giving a blow job to his best friend on the toilet isn’t something he can just fix and stop.  That is rock bottom gay and  apparently he loves it so much he recorded it. 

Get out, file for divorce, and read about his possible narcissistic personality disorder.  He married you and had a child while living a lie the entire time.   Not good.

If you can keep the divorce friendly for your child’s sake, that would be great.

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Your advice is spot-on as always… coming from a guy that just went through a similar situation. You guys rock!!

I am married and I love to dick and swallow another man’s cumm. You should thought it over before you left him, many wives get aroused watching husband suck

I think lying is absolutely wrong but similar situation with me as I overheard a conversation when my boyfriend at the time didn’t know I was home about how he fantasized about this guy he was talking to on the phone..He went on about how he loved me but needed cock so bad..He was so torn…Later that evening when we made love I just grabbed my dildo and slowly put it in his ass and the sound he made omg he was in heaven..Later we discussed his need for cock and we brought in the guy he had been chatting with in our bed.. Watching two men fuck with so much passion, it’s amazing..Seeing your man get his ass filled with cum begging to be fucked…Him sucking cock like a pro …My advice is enjoy!!

Excellent advice!

I’m a true believer that our sexual tendencies are inherent in that, to paraphrase Lady Gaga, we’re born the way we are. Even if he really tries to be faithful to his wife and his marriage, he’s always going to be battling his urges to be with another man. It sounds like a situation the woman in question is not comfortable dealing with,

Regardless if this guy is bi or gay, if he was a trustworthy type, he would have been honest about his sexuality with his wife before they got sexually involved, let alone married. Obviously, he didn’t. I’m not saying that there’s an easy way to tell a prospective partner, “Honey, I’m homo,” but it has to be done. Regardless of what “black marks” a person has — be it sexual, financial, health or otherwise — a prospective partner needs to be aware of these things so he/she can make a responsible decision whether or not to take a relationship into more serious and permanent way.

With regards to the trust/cheating issues, in my experience, I’ve found that men (sorry I can’t speak for women, I’m fully hetero) who lie to and cheat on their partners have a pattern in their lying and cheating. They’ve done it in the past, they’ve done it through their relationships, and they’ll do it again in the future. They cheat for the same kinds of reasons and they tell the same kinds of lies to cover it up.

Amazing response! I’ve had a talk with Venice about certain things that turn me on that should be embarrassing, but because of the way we communicate and express our desires, it’s not.

That’s awesome that the two of you have that kind of relationship and I love what you share on your blog. I’m lucky that I have a lover who I connect like that with, too. It’s too bad most couples don’t.

I am married and I love to dick and swallow another man’s cumm. You should thought it over before you left him, many wives get aroused watching husband suck

He is not. Gay he just likes sucking dick a man can make another man cumm better than a woman

You knew that he was attracted to men when you married him. Just watch and learn . he will never stop sucking dick. I know I won’t. It feels better than fucking . I love being butt fucked my another man

My wife knew I wanted cock when she met me, we were open communication about sex. She used a strap on which felt good but one day she realized it wasn’t enough. She, the amazing woman that she is, met a man online and for my birthday booked a room at a very nice hotel for my first man experience. It was a much older man who treated me like his little boy attending to my every need…I never knew how amazing having my asshole licked could be..He fucked me 7 times that night cumming inside me each time…To this day he’s like my Daddy, he takes me to dinner, spoils me then at night I give my ass to him …He calls me his little pussy boy…It turns my wife on watching him fuck me and he is great eating her pussy even though he’s all about men..

My wife loves to watch me suck dick until it cum

I say give it a go with the both of them ..if he’s not cheating with a woman perhaps he DOES love you but scared his love for cock would drive you away ..how is your sex life now? Imagine how good it could be if you told him you were ok with his love for cock

Not sure how to say this but maybe and I mean just maybe you need to question your own sexual behavior and if in fact you do enjoy sex and are open to your husband about meeting his sexual demands. Many times sex in a marriage is in doubt due to either a mans or woman’s higher expectations, needs and desires. Maybe just maybe you can salvage your marriage because when me have sex with other men in most cases they are simply fulfilling a lustful desire that bears absolutely no feelings of love or courtship. Be the step up to the plate and ask him – are you in love and can’t live without? Can we improve our love making and is there anything you wish to share with me? The pictures were tough to deal with but ultimately were they really meant for me to see? Think before you jump and don’t be a prude – lying or dishonesty I am not sure it always applies in this situation – try asking him how he would feel if the roles were reversed! You might be superseded – good luck