Threesome Memoirs – Edith the Cat Lover

Threesome Memoirs: Table of Contents

cat loverWith every person that called I quickly learned that I would have a cast of wonderful characters for my blogs.  I wasn’t trying to be insincere or judgmental, because my main goal was to find someone I really did click with.  Unfortunately, to find that person you click with you have to shuffle through a lot of people that you have absolutely nothing in common with.

Enter Edith the Cat Lover.  I met Edith the Cat Lover through a dating website and after a quick email we exhanged numbers to chat.  I call her Edith because after seeing her picture, I felt like she resembled Edith Bunker, Archie Bunker’s wife from “All in the Family.”  I call her Cat Lover because I’d say she absolutely loved cats.

Edith the Cat Lover was a middle-aged lady who seemed to be all about her schedule.   This was a good thing, because dealing with the young and flakey can be a bit annoying.  Judging by the way she described her schedule, she made it a point to let me know she would be available to hook up on weekends.  It couldn’t get any more convenient than that. She was very eager to talk, so I figured she would be more keen to trying to arrange a meet-up versus someone who thrived off spontaneity (aka Ms. Flakey). I’m not a shallow person, meaning even her looks weren’t like someone young and a bit more spontaneous, I didn’t want to judge her before based solely on what she looked like.  I’m more attracted to personalities.  In fact, I am only attracted to personalities, which at times, makes Ryan a bit uneasy.  After sending her a quick text message asking if I can call and verify her voice, she acknowledged I could call her.

Me: Hi there! Is this Edith?
Edith the Cat Lover: Yes, hi!  How are you?
Me: I’m doing well. It sounds like you’re in a car. Are you driving?
Edith the Cat Lover: Yes, I am. I drive a lot, mostly on weekdays, due to my job.  So weekends are pretty much open for me.

She has me on speakerphone, so she sounds like she’s yelling at me. I already feel uneasy.

Me: Well, thanks for taking my call.  (Satisfied) You’re definitely a woman.
Edith the Cat Lover: No problem!  Trust me, I totally get why you need to verify.  You can never tell who you end up talking to.
Me: Yea, I just want to know who I am  really talking to.  For some reason, a lot of responses I get seem to be from men.
Edith the Cat Lover: Oh, honey, I know…believe me. I’ve had enough of men.  They will do anything for pussy.

This made me a bit uncomfortable, so I nodded but I didn’t realize she couldn’t see me nod while on the phone.

Me: …
Edith the Cat Lover: I actually started hooking up with women a few years ago. I got soooo tired of my husband in bed so I decided to try women. I have to say that was probably THE best decision of my life.
Me: Really?
Edith the Cat Lover: Absolutely. I found that women can touch me in a way that he never can.
Me: I’ve heard women DO have a special touch.

I imagined all the lesbian porn I’d ever seen where the two women moved in slow motion, caressing each other, kissing for a few minutes, before slowly taking off their clothes.

Edith the Cat Lover: I just love the way they feel – their breasts, their fingers, their skin. I love everything about women. They just drive me wild.  And sweetie,  men can’t do what women do.
Me: Yea,that’s something I can’t wait to experience.

I giggle, trying to make light of the conversation.

Edith the Cat Lover: And I’d like to be the one to show you…!
Me: Tell me this, what exactly are you looking for?  What do you want?
Edith the Cat Lover:  I need a woman, who knows how to touch me.  It’s to the point  where my husband disgusts me.  I mean I love him, I just don’t want him to touch me you know?

She laughs, I giggle back but at this point I realize me and her are not from the same planet.  
Edith the Cat Lover: Like seriously, what type of lover sucks on your  titties like a newborn baby?  Men have no idea.  No sexual satisfaction at all.  Excuse me, just because you put your lips on my nipples and try to suck the dried milk out of me doesn’t mean I like it.  You know?
Me: Ouch!
Edith the Cat Lover: I mean, it’s true!
We pause for a bit as I really don’t have much to add to the conversation. 
Edith the Cat Lover:  Also, why do men grunt when they are having sex with you, blowing their coffee and old cigar smoke breath in your face. Then when they orgasm they flop down on your body like slugs.
Me: Dang.
Edith the Cat Lover: Yea, that’s something you never get with a woman.
I try to change the subject.
Me: What does your husband think about you hooking up with other women?
Edith the Cat Lover: Let’s not worry about husbands, my guy couldn’t make me orgasm if his life depended on it.
Me: Uhh, okay, wow.
Edith the Cat Lover: Seriously.  And on the weekends, he is usually away for work anyway.
Me: Ok.
Edith the Cat Lover: If you wanted, we could meet this weekend even.  I am okay with meeting at a hotel or maybe a public place?  The last girl I met was in a parking lot!  She fisted the hell out of me.  I felt it for weeks.
Me: Hmm, I am not sure about that.  I definitely am not meeting without my husband.  Did you see my ad?
Edith the Cat Lover: Yea, I saw your ad.  It’s okay if he wants to sit in the front seat, me and you can sit in the back.  Okay?
I laugh, hoping that was a joke.
Edith the Cat Lover: So you have never been with a woman?  No kissing?  No touching?  Nothing?  Oh, I really love to break girls in.
Me: Nope, I haven’t.
Edith the Cat Lover:  Does your husband really have to be around?  I find it very uncomfortable for a first timer to have to be there with her husband.  For a first time, he should just throw you in a room and let a woman do what she wants to do with you.  That is an experience you will never forget.
Me: I doubt he’d ever just throw me in a room.  That’s really not what we are into at all.
Edith the Cat Lover: Well, just let him know I will take care of you.  I’m good at eating pussy.  Probably because my husbands dick is the size of a small clit.
She laughed, but it almost sounded like a snort.  I laugh uncomfortably.

Me: Well, so, I guess doing our nails together or anything like that is out of the question?
Edith the Cat Lover: Girl, hell no, I’m going to nail you to the headboard and stick my face inside your baby hole!
Me: Huh?
Edith the Cat Lover:  That’s a joke girl.  I’m just a bit worked up thinking of you being a first timer and all. 

All the sudden I got what it feels like to be a man in prison for the first time.  FRESH FISH, FRESH FISH!

Edith the Cat Lover: I’d like to squat down real fast and suck air up my vagina, then pull your face into my crotch and blow you a pussy kiss!
Me: Um, hmmm.   I’m not so sure about that.
Edith the Cat Lover: Don’t worry, we can go at your pace.  No pressure here sweetie, I just want to be open and honest with you.
Me: Listen, I appreciate the honesty but I do have to go.  I’ve verified you as real so go ahead and text me if you have any questions. 

After I hung up with her, I felt like my ears had been molested and that I needed a rape kit for my ear drums.  Suffice it to say, Edith the Cat Lover is the reason why I decided there is a huge difference between what I want and what other women want.  I am not a man hating lesbian that wants to prove to the world that women do it better, I just want to enjoy a woman’s soft touch.  In a perfect world, I’d love to enjoy a woman’s soft touch with my husband’s perfect touch, together.  In my world, which is far from perfect, I won’t make it less perfect accepting anything less.   How can I ever enjoy being with someone who talked so much shit about her husband? I mean, according to her, her husband’s penis was the size of a corn kernel.  If she was that judgmental about the man she supposedly loved, what would she say about me?

And so the search continues…