Vagina Dialogues – Masturbation Benefits vs Sex Benefits

masturbation vs sexI remember talking to Ryan on the phone when we first started dating and as the night got later our talk got a bit dirtier.  I could tell he never really had a girl he could ask sexual questions to so I wanted to make sure I lived up to all his expectations.

Ryan: “So, do you ever masturbate?”

I responded, “Why would I masturbate when I can have someone do it for me.”   I thought that was the dirtiest response I could come up with to really impress him.  Little did he know, I did masturbate, and in fact, it was the only way I had ever had an orgasm up until that point.

and he was slowly prodding my brain with all the questions a young boy asks a woman t all the questions his young dirty mind Although masturbation is not a replacement for great sex, it is a good alternative if you do not have a partner you want to have sex with, or your partner is not satisfying you.  I will try to explain why.   Intercourse is great because it’s an intimate connection with your partner, physical exercise for your body, and it releases hormones that can bond (addict) you to the partner you are connecting with; dopamine and oxytocin. Those hormones released in your body during intercourse can give your brain a physical connection to a person, their face, and their body.  Since these hormones make sex feels so good, your body gets addicted to the feelings sex with your significant other creates.  This addiction also helps keep a person more faithful in a relationship.   However, some women don’t necessarily have an orgasm during sex, so masturbation can be a way to guarantee that orgasm, which intensifies the positive benefits. If you’re a perimenopause or postmenopausal woman, those orgasms cause the adrenal glands to release estrogen and since your ovaries aren’t producing any/a lot of estrogen, this added boost can make you feel good.

For women who experience dyspareunia (painful sex), masturbation can be a way to “exercise” the organs (including increasing blood flow, vascularity, maintaining nerve health, and keeping the muscles and tissues healthy) without worrying about vaginal tears or pelvic floor tension.

Not only is maturbation the most probable way of producing an orgasm, it also produces the most intense orgasm.  In a now famous study, subjects’ subjective reports as well as recording os their physiological responses (heart rate and vaginal contractions) indicated that masturbation produced a more intense orgasm than either coitus or manipulation of the genitals by a partner (Masters and Johnson, 1966).  It has been suggest that an intense orgasm leads to increased vasculatiry in the vagina, labia, and clitoris (Bradwick, 1971).  In turn, there seems to be evidence that this increased vasculatiry will enhance the potential for future orgasms.  “Frequent orgasms will effect an increase in vasculatiry, which in turn enhance the orgasmic potential.  Nothing succeds like success, and the increased number of orgasms will lead to the psychological anticiapation of the pleasure of sex” (Bardwick, 1971).  This notion that increased vascularity, it is possible that the increased vascularity in the pubococcygeus was responsible for the increased orgasmic frequency.  An increase in pelvic vascularity has also been suggest to explain the effectiveness of androgen therapy in faciliating orgasm (Bardwick, 1971). –  Handbock of Sex Therapy

To summarize, since masturbation is the most probable method of producing an orgasm and since it produces the most intense orgasm, it logically seems to be the preferred treatment for enhancing orgasmic potential in inorgasmic women.

Given the “maintenance” benefit of sexual activity in general, it’s good to have more orgasms than less,  so if your partner is not available, masturbation can be a great addition to your sex life to keep the tissues and glands in good shape.

From a cognitive perspective, masturbation can be good because it is “selfish”. If you are focusing on what you are doing (rather than the pleasure of a partner) then you might be able to be “in the moment” more, more focused on your genital sensations, and more connected with your body. You aren’t worried about whether your belly is bouncing, your breath is not fresh, or whether you should have washed well enough before playtime. You’re just enjoying the moment with nothing else in mind except how to make yourself feel good.  You also are learning your body, learning what makes your body orgasm, and getting familiar with your vagina.  If you are comfortable with your vagina, or actually love how it feels and looks, you will not be uncomfortable later when another person is looking at it during sex.   Spending time and loving your vagina will build confidence later when a man is studying you.  Believe it or not, a lot of women are very unaware of how their vagina looks, or think it actually looks “gross.”  Masturbation can help you overcome these immature thoughts so you’re more comfortable with your body.

The discrepancy with regard to masturbation is doubly problematic because masturbation, it turns out, is a particularly important predictor of sexual health and happiness for women, more so then for men. One of the best predictors of whether a woman will be able to achieve orgasm in her sexual relations is a history of masturbation in adolescence. – Psychology Today

masturbationRegular sexual arousal is also good for keeping the vagina moist and healthy. The added natural lubrication helps to keep things refreshed and the Bartholin’s glands (glands responsible for lubrication) active and healthy. Given that sexual intercourse is partner-dependent, masturbation can be a way to supplement your activity.  However, masturbation (depending on if it’s just a vibrator on your clitoris or you penetrate with a toy) does not involve a penis going inside your body. which is the best way to clean out old bacteria. It is possible that you could masturbate with a dildo and clean your insides out in the same manner though. I personally hate how a dildo feels, so there is no replacement for an actual penis when it comes to cleaning out my insides.  This is usually the key ingredient in my dirty talk with Ryan, “Yea, clean me out and put your fresh cum inside me.”

So basically, physiologically, masturbation has a lot of the same benefits of sexual activity that results in orgasm in healthy women. Cognitively, it can help you become more in-tune with your body and have “selfish” sexual experiences. Practically speaking, intercourse takes effort and has to be coordinated with a partner, while doesn’t take as much coordination and can be a nice supplement to sex.  However, ever other post on my blog is almost a celebration of great sex, so nothing can compare to good sex.

With all that being said, there is still a fine line with masturbation for a female and our orgasms.  With 70% of women unable to orgasm through just penetration, a lot of us use oral sex, or a toy (or fingers) during sex to stimulate the clitoris while we are being fucked. Other than the penis moving in and out of our bodies, we are still technically masturbating.  Good lovers encourage their women to bring toys or touch themselves during intercourse.  Bad lovers, well, they still believe in magic and apparently believe their wands cast spells on the vagina and magically satisfy us (wrong).   So we use our own magic wand later.

So, a lot of these points may be valid, but with 70% of women probably masturbating while having sex to achieve an orgasm, masturbation and sex for women almost runs hand in hand (pun).   I’d say that is the biggest benefit. Masturbating can almost guarantee you can enjoy your sex life even if you cannot achieve an orgasm through sex.  If you masturbate, you can still do the same thing during intercourse if your are with a good lover who is understanding of your needs, and orgasm multiple times while he is inside you.

A few extra tidbits from The Kinsey Institute:

  • More than half of women ages 18 to 49 reported masturbating during the previous 90 days. Rates were highest among those 25-29 and progressively lesser in older age groups. (National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, 2010)
  • Approximately one-third of women in all relationships in the 60- to 69-year cohort reported recent masturbation. (National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, 2010)
  • Among women in the National Sex Survey older than 70, solo masturbation was reported by more than half who were in a non-cohabitating relationship, compared to 12.2% among married women. (National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, 2010)
  • Partnered masturbation among women was reported highest among women ages 25-29. (National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, 2010)
  • Across all age groups, partnered women are significantly more likely to report having engaged in partnered masturbation as compared to nonpartnered women. (National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, 2010)
  • Partnered masturbation was most common among women in the 25-29 and 30-39 year-old groups who were single and dating. (National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, 2010)
  • In a study of undergraduate college students, 98% of men and 44% of women reported having ever masturbated (Pinkerton, Bogart, Cecil, & Abramson, 2002).
  • Among undergraduate students, men reported masturbating an average of 12 times per month, while women reported an average of 4.7 times per month (Pinkerton, Bogart, Cecil, & Abramson, 2002).
  • In a study of African-American women aged 15 to 64, 62% reported that they had masturbated at some point during their lives (Robinson, Bockting, & Harrell, 2002).
  • About 60% of men and 40% of women reported masturbating in the past year (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994).
  • Nearly 85% of men and 45% of women who were living with a sexual partner reported masturbating in the past year (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994).
  • 35% of American men aged 18-39 do not masturbate while 37% masturbate sometimes, and 28% one or more times per week (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994).
  • 53% of men and 25% of women masturbated for the first time by ages 11 to 13 (Janus & Janus, 1993).
  • 5% of men and 11% of women have never masturbated (Janus & Janus, 1993).
  • About 85% of men report that their partner had an orgasm at the most recent sexual event; this compares to the 64% of women who report having had an orgasm at their most recent sexual event. (A difference that is too large to be accounted for by some of the men having had male partners at their most recent event.) (National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, 2010)
  • Men are more likely to orgasm when sex includes vaginal intercourse; women are more likely to orgasm when they engage in a variety of sex acts and when oral sex or vaginal intercourse is included. (National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, 2010)
  • Among ages 18-59, older age for men is associated with lower likelihood of his own orgasm; for women it is associated with a higher likelihood of her own orgasm. Age is not associated with the partner’s orgasm for either men or women. (National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, 2010)
  • Women are much more likely to be nearly always or always orgasmic when alone than with a partner. However, among women currently in a partnered relationship, 62% say they are very satisfied with the frequency/consistency of orgasm (Davis, Blank, Hung-Yu, & Bonillas, 1996).
  • Many women express that their most satisfying sexual experiences entail being connected to someone, rather than solely basing satisfaction on orgasm (Bridges, Lease, & Ellison, 2004).
  • 75% of men and 29% of women always have orgasms with their partner (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994).
  • About 40% for both men and women said they were extremely pleased physically and extremely emotionally satisfied (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994).
  • 25% of men and 14% of women reported that simultaneous orgasm is a must (Janus & Janus, 1993).
  • 10% of men and 18% of women reported a preference for oral sex to achieve orgasm (Janus & Janus, 1993).
  • It is possible to experience both genital and non-genital orgasm, even for some individuals with spinal cord injuries. (Komisaruk, 2005).  masturbation vs sex masturbation vs sex masturbation vs sex 

Top 10 Drama Movies

imagesI’m not a big fan of the drama genre, which is why so many of these are older movies. These are my classics.


10) Lord of the Flies – The first time I saw this I was in elementary school and I didn’t care about the underlying themes like savagery vs. civilization, individualism vs. community, authority, and anarchy and all that other crap. It was like soft core porn to me seeing all those half-naked, older boys in loin cloths as they sharpened their spears.

9) King of the Hill – Before there was a cartoon series, there was a movie based on the memoir of A.E. Hotchner. Summer during the Great Depression was accentuated by the warm camera filter and everyone constantly perspiring. Poor Aaron. No kid should ever have to cut out pictures of entire meals and eat them. No kid should have to mix ketchup with water for tomato soup. No kid should ever fight off a Nazi bellhop whose purpose in life is to wait for unsuspecting tenants to leave so that he can lock them out. No kid should ever have to attend his middle school promotion alone. The upside? Ruffian Adrien Brody in the back of the auditorium cheering you on as you ascend the stage. This movie has Child Protective Services written all over it. It always reminds me of the time I had to cook for me and myself and my brother for about two months. What did I cook? Corned beef and onions. I lost five pounds on that diet.

8) The Sixth Sense – A lot of rule-breaking in this movie, but we all were in need of it. Bad. Best part of the movie – realizing New Kids on the Blocker, Donnie Wahlberg, is the guy who shot Bruce Willis. I didn’t even recognize him from my Tiger Beat magazine clippings he was so thin. Maybe if he put on his holey acid washed jeans and a grew a rat tail I would have recognized him. Nevertheless, his 30 seconds in the movie was pretty damn good.

7) Gone Baby Gone – I can’t believe Casey Afleck and Ben Afleck came out of the same vagina. When I first saw “Gone Baby Gone,” it was before Ben Afleck had done some really good movies that made up for the crap that he’s done before. So you can imagine how shocked I was to see Ben’s little brother show some delightful talent.

7a) To be fair to Ben, I did love “Gone Girl.” The twist came in about 2/3 of the way in rather than at the end, but it worked.

6) The Usual Suspects – This is one of those movies you have to watch at least four times (depending on your mental capabilities) to really understand what just happened. You’ll feel like you just got duped, but in the end you’re rooting for the right side. The montage at the end (the Guatemalan coffee, the Kobayashi mug, et al.) has you questioning just what exactly is the truth. Well, guess what…there IS no Keyser Soze! I had a fun time with that during my struggling college years working at a local cafe. Once I worked the morning shift, which entailed slicing slicing Havarti cheese at precisely 0.75 ounces per slice. Each person who slices has to write their name on the food. I wrapped and labeled each stack of Havarti that morning, not with my name, but signed elegantly: Keyser Soze. And so, all day, I snickered to myself as I told everyone who asked that there, indeed, was no Keyser Soze.

5) Tombstone – You’re lying if you’re a guy who won’t admit to having a man-crush on Val Kilmer. You get a little taste of just how an obnoxious poor winner Val Kilmer’s Doc Holliday can be in the beginning poker scene as he stabs Frank Stallone, but it’s not until he stops an irate Johnny Tyler, equipped with a shotgun, from opening fire on Wyatt Earp. Doc goes on casually, greeting each Earp brother in front of Johnny, who is dumbfounded and shocked at all these celebrities before him. Doc then turns to Johnny, still hanging on to his weapon, one last time and tells him, “I didn’t know you were still here. You may go now.” My best friend had a crush on him when after she saw this movie.
“Girl, please. Name another movie he’s been in,” I told her.
“I didn’t think so.”

4) Se7en – This whole movie is fucked up. The ending is even more fucked up. Just be glad it’s not based on a true story. I keep track of the seven deadly sins within the movie because it encourages you to. Toward the end you think, “In what other sinister ways can these sins be shown?” When Morgan Freeman opens the box at the end and cries, “John Doe’s got the upper hand!” I still get a knot in my stomach as Brad Pitt pleas with his homicide partner. Every time I watch it, I hope that he chooses to take the higher road, but that would go against the movie title, wouldn’t it?

3) The Road – This is one of the most stressful movies I’ve ever seen in my entire life. If they’re not looking for food, they’re trying to fight off cannibals. What in holy crap?! Even when they’re huddled around a fire in their tattered clothes and in no immediate danger, I still feel unsafe. The first time I watched this movie, I stopped it three times because I couldn’t handle the stress of the dad deciding on whether or not to shoot his son in order to keep him from getting captured or them running into strangers in general.

2) What’s Eating Gilbert Grape – A few years before the Titanic guy saved Rose, he was in this little movie with Johnny Depp flaunting his acting skills. Who knew? The first time I watched this I was at my aunt’s house. She rented it from the local movie store on VHS. At the end of the movie, the VCR rewound the tape automatically, but wouldn’t eject it afterwards. As my aunt fiddled around with the tape, I said, “Well, it looks like the VCR ate Gilbert Grape.” Hee-hyah hee-hyah.

1) The Professional – You know what’s beautiful? A hit man taking in a 12-year-old so that she can avenge the death of her little brother. Jean Reno as the Professional is so endearing because of his innocent, goofy look, and it’s also forgivable that he kills for money, like “He just shot that drug dealer in the head…aww!” My favorite scene is when Gary Oldman and his crooked cops massacre the family of a little girl named Mathilda. No, not that. But when young Natalie Portman is forced to walk by her murdered family nonchalantly in order to land at the doorstep of her neighbor, the Professional. The music is intense, the Professional is torn with the decision to leave her outside, while he sees her begging with her teary eyes through the peephole to let her in. Oh,’re such a badss when you smoke cigarettes. Ok, I tried a few cigarettes once because I wanted to be a little bad ass too. It was Earth Day and I thought it was hilarious and I thought it would be a perfect day to pick up a bad ass habit. I chain smoked six cigarettes (is six considered a chain?) at a party with older, seemingly bad ass kids. I got a chance to practice my bad ass move of flicking the ass with my middle finger. An older girl walked up to me and asked if she could bum a smoke. I turned to her badassingly and said, “Nah, this is my last one.” My mom ended up taking my bad ass to the hospital that night because of hives.

Dirty Talk And What It All Means

talk dirtyI’ve decided to write a blog about dirty talk and translate it with different perspectives, including my own.  This was written lightheartedly and isn’t intended to be fact.  I’m sure some men actually do have intelligible babble while they talk dirty in the bedroom.

His Actions and Words: <petting her head as she sucks his dick> “Good girl.”
Her Prude/Feminist Translation:  “He is petting me like I am a dog and saying good girl for doing a good job.  First, I am a woman, not an animal or his child.  This type of talk is makes him feel like a man and an authoritative figure.  It brings out his caveman machismo, which is supposed to quench my instincts to please my man, it doesn’t.  I am supposed to be happy he is awarding my good behavior, I’m not.”
My Translation: “I am his pet, his little girl with my tight little pussy and tiny mouth. It hurts when I have to stretch my jaws around his cock.  I want to get recognition while I suck him off, so I will shake my little ass and wag my tailfeather for him.  I love the way he pets me to show his affection and appreciation.  God I love it when he calls me his good little girl.  He’s the only man on earth that can call me that and make my pussy drip.”
What He Is Really Thinking:
“Awwwwwwwwww ughhhhhhhhhhhhh ihhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhh awwwwwwwww (unintelligible babble).”

His Words: “Suck my dick like a porn star you sexy bitch.”
Her Prude/Feminist Translation: “First of all, you call me a bitch again and I will bite this fucking dick off.  As far as porn star, I’m much better than a porn star.  If I decide to suck your penis, because I want to, not because you want it, I do it because I love you, not to get paid.  You should be saying  ‘If you decide to continue putting your lips around my member, do it like you love me please.’   Any preconceived idea of a good blowjob from a disgusting adult video is the opposite of sexy.”
My Translation: “Oh he wants me to spit all over his cock and twist my wrists and see how hard it is to give him an indian burn with his dick all wet.  He wants me to slam my face onto his shaft and open my mouth wide so I can lick his balls as I have his cock so far down my throat I can’t breath.  He is in the mood for me to leave his dick sore from all the friction and movement.  I’ll be your little porn star slut.  Show this sexy bitch the audition room, Mr. Big Dick.”
What He Is Really Thinking: “
Awwwwwwwwww ughhhhhhhhhhhhh ihhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhh awwwwwwwww (unintelligible babble).”

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Cooking And Sex

Cooking and Blow JobsRyan and I have fetishes. He told me last night that his fetish was sex and that my fetish was food. And it’s true – I love a good meal, always choosing leftovers over fast food. It doesn’t turn me on to gamble with food I pick up through the drive through window. I have too many fast food horror stories, e.g. finding a wasp in my tomato slice (thank you, McDonald’s) and a wadded up napkin in my milkshake (fuck you, Steak n’ Shake). I hate fast food. I wish it would die.

Four days ago he told me that he appreciated me and everything I do for him. This wasn’t a new thing for him to say or for me to hear. I know he appreciates me because he tells me everyday. And he knows that I know because he makes sure I know. This is how Our Circle works – constant reminders to each other, ongoing, never stopping. So, what other way to show his appreciation for me than to promise to cook for me every day? How could I turn that down?! He’s kept his promise to grill for me every Friday for the past 4 years. Every Friday for 4 years has been so much better because I looked forward to his steaks, to spending time with him, and to be spoiled with his kindness and appreciation. I was never a big steak eater, but because he was cooking for me, I found myself becoming a steak connoisseur once a week.

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Random Moments – Sleeping Beauty

sleeping beautyDuring work at about 2 P.M. I got a text message from Venice saying she had a bad headache and she was headed to the store to buy some Ibuprofen.  It’s allergy season so I figured it was no big deal.   At about 5:30 P.M. I see her car pull up to my office and she gets out and switches seats.  I call her on her cell and ask what is going on. She tells me she is tired and needs me to drive her home.  She felt guilty because she knew I wasn’t off yet and offered to sleep in the car until I was off work.   Of course I immediately close down and go outside to see what is wrong with her.  She asked if I could leave my car at work and drive her home.  She can’t seem to stay awake.  I agree, but ask if I need to take her to the hospital.  Something just wasn’t right.

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