If you have not had a blowjob for a bunch of years, don’t give up all hope.
I didn’t keep track of the exact date, I didn’t know it was so important at the time, but somewhere around 7 years ago I got my last blowjob.
I read about keeping yourself clean, and doing more housework and bla bla bla, which for my case was a complete waste of time because I already do all that.
So it seems to me the key factors are that my wife went on a trip without me for a few months, I think this allowed her to really see how other people live and what it was like when I am not around to do things for her. If we had not had this break I think nothing would have changed.
Then when she got back she wanted to see a show in Las Vegas, which was not unusual. So I bought the plane and show tickets. Then right before we left we were getting along pretty good so I suggested that if she liked the show maybe I could get a reward in the way of a BJ. She thought about it and kind of made a joke that if it was a good show then I would get one.
Ryan and I went out to eat last night at our local wings bar. As we made our way home, we saw a huge, gray mass in the sky hovering near our house. Flashes of lightning lit up the sky as we pulled up into the driveway. The wind picked up when we got into the house and I feared one of the pine trees in the backyard would surely topple over. Thunder shook the house; I thought Ryan was hitting the wall from behind the closet door. It felt was that close. As I put some french fries in the oven for everyone to eat with the hamburgers I made the night before, the lights flickered for a split second. But I wasn’t worried because this is very normal and very expected during a storm.
So I began moving my arms and legs. My mind started to feed on itself. “Is that a light out there? Or is that lightning? Is someone out there with a flashlight? Are they going to break in and kill us like in ‘The Strangers’ with Liv Tyler? How fast can I get in the house, grab my phone so I can call 911, gather my kids into Ryan’s closet while he gets the gun loaded? It’s the light again! That’s not lightning! What if my legs are too wobbly to make it out of the garage? What if I trip over the bottle water? There’s the light again! Can they hear my elliptical machine from out there? Should I tell Ryan? I don’t want to die without pants on! There goes the light ag–WHO THE FUCK IS OUT THERE?!?!”
After work yesterday, Ryan and I went to the mall to look for a birthday present for his sister. “I think she needs a new wallet,” I told him. So we entered through Sears because it was the quickest way to get to Old Navy.
I’ve recently discovered the joys of creampies. Ok, not quite recently. I know what they are as I’ve seen them in a few porns. And to be honest, I thought it was pretty disgusting. But for those of you who aren’t aware of what a creampie is, lemme ‘splain. A cream pie is when a man ejaculates in a vagina and the semen seeps out. Similarly, an anal creampie is the same, only it comes out of her bootay. So when the semen comes out, it looks like, you guessed it, a creampie.
When I was four-years-old, a classmate and I got in front in front of our kindergarten class and sang a song for everyone. I wish I can tell you it was “Billie Jean” and that it ended a moonwalk. I wish I can tell you that we brought puppets and put on a cute little show. And I really wish I had brought in a photo album with pictures of me as a flower girl at my uncle’s wedding. But that would not be very exciting. We rehearsed for hours in my tiny room in my tiny apartment a neat little number about boyfriends. One hand on our hips while the other raised an index finger to the audience as we sang in unison: “And I’m gonna find me a boyfriend…a boyfriend…a boyfriend. And I’m gonna find me a boyfriend…today!” We thought we were hot shit, she and I. The next day, my teacher, who was friends with my mom, had an impromptu parent-teacher conference in our kitchen. “Come on, V…sing the song again!”