Category: Life & Random Moments

Random moments in our life.  Small excerpts of random moments that we blog to remember.  From hilarious moments, to moments that won’t make sense to anyone else.

December 3, 2015

Random Moments: Double You Tee Eff

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crawling on truckSo sometimes I get messages from different people that view local profiles I have on social media. Almost always from men pretending to be women, but sometimes I do get messages from actual girls (I think). Whether it be close ups of their unshaved vaginas or some random ass shot, I tend to giggle and move on with my day. If it’s something pleasant and appropriate, of course I respond, I’m always looking for a nice girl to play with.

So this morning I get this photo, along with the message:

Hi, just saw your profile and I would like to chat with you and see if maybe we click ….I am white 36 yrs old 5′ 145 ….let me know what you think.

I’m not going to be too critical because I mean, who wouldn’t want to make this type of first impression? At least it’s not a vagina close up or a picture of her ass cropped so nothing else shows. Before I replied I carefully thought about how I should respond to her.  These are the various thoughts that crossed my mind:

I think the soles of your old shoes look lovely. Are those the Nike shocks? They kind of make your feet look big, but I bet you have great balance!  Your jeans look nice, with the designer pockets and all.  I bet when you crawled off the hood of your truck the knees were stained green with pollen dust huh? Sorry, I noticed the leaf on the grill of your truck and figured it was allergy season when you took that photo.  

With that being said, I mean, I suppose I’d love to go model cars with her at a flea market car show maybe? Who knows.

My actual response:

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November 19, 2015

Dear 11-Year-Old Ryan

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Dear 11-year-old Ryan,

My name is Venice and I’m writing to you from the future. In case you don’t believe me let me say a few things. You’re allergic to mushrooms, you have a turtle shaped birthmark on your shoulder, and you get up five minutes early every morning to put your sheets in the hamper because of a certain kind of “accident.” Just kidding about that last one…no I’m not!!! We won’t meet for a few years, but I have a few things to tell you before we do. I’m writing to you as your wife of over 15 years. I know that must answer a few questions like, “Will I ever live to see 30?” “Will I ever get married?” The answer is yes and yes! I don’t really want to ruin your future too much, but as a 11 year old boy, what could I possibly talk about that you’d be interested in?

Okay, let’s talk about your future girlfriends.

In a few months you will have your first kiss.  You will be followed around the skating ring by a cute girl, and eventually, at the end of the night, kiss her. The next week you will find out she talked to another boy and when she walks up to you to give you a hug, you will scoot her out of the way without saying a word. In fact, you never talked to her again.

lexi1In the 7th grade, an Indian girl will have a crush on you. She and her friend will call your house and ask you why you are so mean to her or why you don’t like her, and even write letters saying the same. You will think she is very cute, but to everyone else in class she is seen as very clumsy.  Sadly, you will think she is nice and pretty, but because of race and because of her being known to be clumsy, you would rather be single than deal with your classmates wondering why you would date someone like her. You will never date her. At Christmas she will give everyone in class a lollipop and a small note. Your note will be super long. After you read the first few lines, you will ask your friend to see his note and it will be like, “It’s a good time to be happy!” (end note). You letter will start, “All year I really have been nice to you and don’t understand what I did to make you so… ” You will stop there and throw the note in the garbage. Don’t feel bad. You’re not the only one who has missed an opportunity to be happy because of peer pressure. Like the time when you were 4 and you had a crush on your neighbor, the one who everyone said you were boyfriend & girlfriend with. mudYes, I know about that 🙂 I know that you played together every day and made mud pies, but after everyone teased you, you were purposely mean to her because you’d rather be “single” and not make mud pies than be teased for having a girlfriend. You really liked her but society made you hate her. I had a friend just like that when I was your age who I played with every day, got teased the same way too. And, like you, I was purposely mean. But what I did was knock him down as he was sitting on the trunk of his parents’ car and made him land on the car hitch. I walked away as he stood crying. Anyway, you will end up marrying a very dark Filipino woman to make up for your racism. You and I are cut from the same cloth, which is probably why we are drawn to each other.

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October 8, 2015

Top 10 Comedies Movies

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Although over the years my favorite movies will change, especially my number 1 spot, as of now here is a list of my top 10 comedies. The top movie tends to change according to what movie I can’t keep off loop and play daily. Enjoy and comment if we missed one of your favorites!

 

 

 

 

 

 

10) Tommy Boy – When Chris Farley was at his prime. It really didn’t get any better than that. Pure hilarity ensues as Tommy has finally had it up to “here” with Richard’s bitching and put-downs. They pull over to the side of the road and make fun of each other’s bodies – Tommy for being big and Richard for being small. It ends with a 2×4 to Tommy’s face and asking Richard if there was a visible mark “here, but not so much HERE…”

 

 

9) There’s Something About Mary – This movie is probably best for its sight gags: Ted’s gonads, Mary’s spiked bangs, and her neighbor’s “full frontal.” They’re great when you’re younger, but as I get older, they get old fast. At the time, though, I used the pause button a lot because my sense of humor just wasn’t developed. Still, this movie is, like “Tommy Boy,” a classic and have become ideal go-to movies if I feel like reliving my childhood.

 

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September 14, 2015

Random Moments – I Left My Phone At The Bank (Lost Phone)

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phone shockOkay, so I left my phone at the bank. Let me translate.  I lost my homemade porn storage device at a place where there are 5 nosy women just looking for something to do. I think losing my phone may be in my personal top 5 of my biggest fears.  Forget my credit cards, forget my cash, I just do not want to lose my mobile smut machine.

Speaking of my smut machine, it may be time to send this machine to the mechanic (trashcan) for an upgrade.  For weeks now my phone has been messing up.  After I am done using my phone and lay it down, later when I pick it up it is still on (the screen is just black), or the power is totally dead.   I also noticed that there is no lock screen when this happens.  If I turn the phone back on, it will be on exactly what I  was looking at last without a lock screen.

With that being said, I had to run to the bank and get into a safe security box for work.  Before I left, I may have been glancing at twitter.  Don’t ask me why I look at smut on twitter at work in the middle of the day, because usually I don’t.   However, if I publish a blog I will check out twitter to make sure my blog published or see who commented.  Every now and then I will see some random *.gif tweeted that I will click, just to get a closer look.  I call it:  pussy click bait.  I’m a man, I can’t help it.

So I ran into the bank and showed my identification, which is in my phone case.  I got in and out quick and got what I needed. About 2 hours later I got a call at my office from a clerk at the bank.  When I picked up the line she said, “Hello Ryan, did you forget something?”

I responded, “What, my keys?”  I had no idea why I said that because I couldn’t have drove back to work without my keys.   I just really had no idea why she was calling.

She laughed and said, “Are you missing your wallet?”

Fuck, my wallet.  Otherwise known as my fucking phone. Otherwise known as if you click the gallery icon you end up seeing about 50 cock pics of myself, in various random positions that Venice requests during the day, face showing, smiling, and looking like a total toolbag.  You’d also see about 500 various shots of Venice and her vagina, face, titties, ass, whatever.  That “wallet” is my porn stash.

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August 27, 2015

Your Memes, My Thoughts

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MemeI’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t have to look online for some silly relationship memes. Why? Because I follow some silly ass people on Facebook who are trigger happy when they post and share stuff from their just-as-relationship-challenged friends.

Recently I saw this awesome little gem on my timeline. It has a picture of a man’s dirty, grimy hand next to a callous-free woman’s hand who we’re to believe belongs to his wife. The caption above the picture states:

“I work daylight to dark. Bust my knuckles, my back and my butt. I hurt all day everyday and take it to the max every second. When I feel like giving up, I just think about my wife and think about how this work is helping our household. There’s not a more important person in my life than her. My hands look like this, so hers can look like that.”

In a perfect world, a man who worked for a women’s sole happiness would, for some gold-digging, lazy chicks, be just that: perfect. However, this photo just has too many implications not to ignore. First, I think it’s safe to assume he’s is just a regular blue collar guy, probably does oil changes for a living, works on cars, or is a plumber. There is absolutely nothing wrong with those jobs, by the way. I loved telling my friends that I was one of two girls in my Auto Mechanics class in high school. There’s not such thing as a bad job. Unless you’re a prostitute, but that’s not really a job because you don’t pay taxes (except in Nevada). Anyway. Second, so if she doesn’t work, what does she do all day? Watch her “programs” and look through Pinterest accounts?

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