Dear V & R –
I would really appreciate your advice and honest feedback, if you are willing to provide it!
For as long as I’ve been an adult, I’ve struggled with promiscuity, feeling shame about sex, and hiding what I really want. We won’t get into the psychological reasons why, but the long and short of it is, I’m a type-A person with a lot of issues around authenticity, attachment, and vulnerability. I’ve been with a lot of great partners, and I regret nothing I’ve done. My sexual life is full, I’ve had some incredible sex, and I have been very lucky.
I am now married to a wonderful man. Our relationship is not without issues, but all of them are manageable and I’m still in love, happy to be his wife, and very proud of the life we’ve created.
He also knows that I’ve struggled with feeling out of control, and has been very affirming. My husband has said that if I wanted to explore bringing another person into our bed, I would need to tell him. That is not sexually appealing to me, nor am I interested in that kind of relationship. I do not believe my love for him is limited to monogamy, and I know I can love this person and create safe, compartmentalized experiences for myself with hard limits.
Here’s the thing. Our culture provides options for people who want to have sex outside of their marriages. I’m thinking about paying for a provider.
There are some things that are really appealing about that option. One, there are hard boundaries and I decide what I want, when, etc. Two, female sex workers are an economic wonder to me — I have the means to create an experience that I design, that is limited to me, and I can do it with someone who is paid to provide pleasure and (hopefully) enjoys her work. Three, the emotional issues and interpersonal drama that can come from allowing a third-party to enter your sex life will be minimized. I have no interest in cultivating a FWB relationship, zero desire to allow my husband to “approve” or subsidize the experience..
I just want to pay to fuck and play. Then I want to leave. If I return, I would like to assume that will be because there was a mutually satisfactory experience. I look at it like this – I have a colorist, a masseuse, a waxer, and a therapist. Having sex with a provider has the potential to be equally as therapeutic — right?
So here’s the question (though I’m open to any insight you have) — am I some kind of sociopath focused on destroying a relationship I really value and a person I care for? Is something wrong with me? Why isn’t this a thing?
I know you’ve seen the women that are sex workers on social media — I mean they are fucking gorgeous and some seem FUN and SAVVY AS HELL. Is it really that crazy to imagine that more women don’t want to pay for a lazy afternoon in a quiet (or loud..ha) hotel room? Am I right? “Hello..?? (taps mike)..anyone else?”
Practicality is telling me I could do this and provide something for myself that, honestly, would not seemingly harm my relationship whatsoever. Please don’t say “Why pay for something, just go to a bar and find someone!” Also in that vein is “Find your hottest friend and have fun!”
I’ve done that. I’ve fucked strangers, fucked my friends, and as I get older……it just seems like the juice isn’t worth the squeeze. I want no mess, no issues….and no health risks or emotional trauma.
I know I sound like I’ve made up my mind, but I would really value your thoughts as an intelligent and focused couple.
Oh…and just because, you should know…some of the women I have serious crushes on read this blog. So if you tell me not to proceed, you’ll literally be impacting the financial health of some readers. 😉
Oh gosh. Okay, I’m pushing send now. Don’t crucify me!
Miss Can’t I Just Pay?
First, let me address this statement in which you said: “I do not believe my love for him is limited to monogamy, and I know I can love this person and create safe, compartmentalized experiences for myself with hard limits” because it goes against what you say later: “I just want to pay to fuck and play. Then I want to leave.” Do you want to have emotional, compartmentalized feelings for this “provider,” or do you want to fuck once and leave? I’m confused.
Regardless of your answer, it sounds to me that you want to go against your husband’s desire for you to tell him about bringing someone into your bedroom as long as he knows about it. Using a “provider” without your husband agreeing to it sounds like you’re looking for an excuse to be with another lover, and by saying that it would be 1) with a woman and 2) paying for it, sounds like it’d be okay for you to do. But what’s the next step after that? Being with a gigolo? Not paying for it? Fucking random people of all types because you say to yourself, “I’ve already done it a lot now and he doesn’t seem to care. And I don’t really like this guy anyway, but he seems like fun. Plus I can compartmentalize it pretty easy now that I’ve had a lot more practice”?
I would be extremely wary about turning to a sex worker to provide an experience with a woman. You can’t guarantee someone’s cleanliness, i.e. being disease-free, with a sex worker OR someone you’ve grown to know over the course of several dates. No one is guaranteed to be honest with you, but let me just say a sex worker’s livelihood depends on whether or not you deem her to be an acceptable lay, and she’ll probably say anything to appease you. And do you really want to explain how you got an STD to your husband?
It sounds like you want to experience something away from your husband. You risk your marriage and your health – two very important things – for a roll in the hay. Not worth it to me. My experiences have been enjoying seeing the look on Ryan’s face as I and another female please him as well as him seeing me enjoy myself with another women. I could never deny us of those moments, or have those moments alone so he couldn’t enjoy them with me. For what? Protect my insecurities? He is my best friend and I wouldn’t want to go on a trip to Europe without him, watch our favorite show without him, or fuck a girl without him. It’s the experiences we create together that gives us our lifetime memories. And my goal is to spend my lifetime with him.
Lastly, I wouldn’t enjoy an experience with a female that ejaculates random cocks for a living. I love eating pussy, but knowing that possibly thousands of strange dicks have been cumming in and on her would turn me off totally.
I’m not here to crucify you, just giving you some things to think about before you make a detrimental, life-changing decision for some potentially un-sweet pussy.
First, it’s hard to answer a question about an idea I find unattractive while you may not. Obviously my answer is going to be biased towards what I believe, so please take my response with a grain of salt.
Escorts, prostitutes, or call girls, I apologize. I have nothing against women or people who do whatever it is they choose to do, as consenting adults. That doesn’t mean it’s for me.
Let’s put sex workers into perspective. Do you really want to perform oral sex or kiss a woman that has sex or sucks as many random dick as possible for a living? A better question is, would you eat out of a freshly cleaned plumber’s hands after a long day (or life) of work, and enjoy the meal? I mean, if your experiences are having these escorts perform oral sex on you, without you returning the favor, kissing, or being able to enjoy their bodies, then I guess a sex worker could be appealing in that situation. However, you are nothing more than a paycheck to them, not a mutual satisfactory experience. I do not believe they enjoy you, even if they enjoy their work (some of their clientele could be unattractive, old, obese, or just repulsive — yet have money). They enjoy money (easy). Much like a business woman that owns a nail saloon doesn’t necessarily enjoy cleaning the dirt from your cuticles. Also, with that therapeutic analogy you used, you don’t turn around and give your masseuse a massage after she is done. I think it’s safe to assume that you will not be kissing or giving these escorts oral sex or having the fulfilling sexual experiences you think you’d have, unless of course, your kink is being a pillow queen .
I just want to pay to fuck and play. Then I want to leave. If I return, I would like to assume that will be because there was a mutually satisfactory experience. I look at it like this – I have a colorist, a masseuse, a waxer, and a therapist. Having sex with a provider has the potential to be equally as therapeutic — right?“
Do you really believe your colorist, masseuse, waxer, and therapist have mutually satisfactory experiences?
I’ve heard the argument about regulated sex workers / escorts probably being cleaner than any woman you meet at a bar. In some cases, this may be true. In fact, it’s their jobs to smell like perfume and be as clean as possible. I guess the same can be said for any decent restaurant that has a public restroom. It’s their job to make sure people see their establishment as clean, otherwise, why would we eat there? However, I still prefer using the bathroom at my own place, or maybe a friends, because no matter how clean a public bathroom is, it will still be a public place thousands of random people use to sit their sweaty asses on.
So am I really saying escorts are like public bathrooms in nice restaurants?
Yes, except a lot of them aren’t even in nice restaurants. In fact, they use air fresheners instead of bleach and the toilet seats just look clean because they wipe the piss off of them with toilet paper after each use.
Okay, let’s move on to the actual question.
From what I understand, you want to have experiences outside of marriage but do not want to include your husband. You want him to believe that all these sexual encounters are equivalent to going to the nail saloon and getting your nails done. You have no interest in sharing these experiences with him. You feel we are in a culture now where people can be serviced by others sexually the same as you can visit a masseuse (again, you don’t massage your masseuse and please them in return — so I again assume you only want to be pleased without giving back). It’s merely a service.
I believe this is the gist of your question. I guess I’ll answer your question with a few of my own.
Are you okay with your husband also using this service separately from you and your marriage? Are you okay with him using sex as nothing more than a servicing act, like going to the barber to get his haircut? Can he hire hookers to get him off as some sort of therapy to relieve stress? Is this something you are okay with?
If you are not okay with your husband having his sexual needs met outside of your marriage, then I’d reassess your own ideas and quit putting your needs ahead of your relationships. When you got married you entered into a partnership. Life is no longer about you, it’s about both of you. Like with any partnership, if you both do not agree with an idea, you don’t ignore your partner’s feelings and do something that makes him unhappy. If you decide your need is bigger than the partnership, it won’t take long for that partnership to dissolve.
If you are okay with your husband having his needs met outside of your marriage, but just do not want to have threesomes with him, or prefer to play with women on your own, that is something you will have to work out with each other. I do not feel having any experiences outside of your marriage is healthy for a relationship, but some people make it work. Not many .
It kind of sounds to me like you want to convince him that having sex with other people, because they are sex workers, is unattached and totally unemotional. Although you do not want other women around your man, because for him to have sex with them would mean much more than when you have sex with them. You want to have your cake…or vagina, and eat it too. You just don’t want to share.
 A Pillow Queen is someone who likes to be on the receiving end of sex. She likes to be pleasured and not reciprocate.
 91% (or more) of all open marriages end in divorce — according to a Psychology Today article.
I understand that at one point we wrote an article discussing escorts and threesomes. This is something we decided against because of the reasons above. At the time, we both felt using an escort may be the safest way to have a threesome. We were scared, didn’t know if we’d create emotional attachments, and also wanted to keep the experience just a random one time event. We didn’t understand that a lot of the things we now consider fun and exciting, just wouldn’t have been possible for us to enjoy with an escort. Specifically, kissing, oral sex, hanging out drinking prior, and just enjoying the moment without feeling a bit disgusted. Who wants to pay someone to hang out? However, our feelings do not make us right or wrong, they are just our feelings.
TAGS: escorts, hookers, prostitutes, call girls, porn stars, having a escort while married, in a marriage and having sex with prostitutes, prostitution
Well good to see you guys blog more than twice a month!
Anyway, having sex with escorts is gross. Also, being able to compartmentalize is not something to be proud of when it comes to relationships. Maybe it’s good for moving bad experiencing aside so you can have some sort of mental normalcy in your life. But not in marriage. Compartmentalization is how every cheater that has ever existed can have sex with some random person then go home and play Legos with their kids and kiss their spouses like they love them more than life.
Q&A: I’m A Married Woman But Want To Fuck Escorts http://t.co/XfXrk5yTkv via @venicebloggs @Venice Bloggs
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Another perfect blog…
@venicebloggs @Venice Bloggs
Sounds scandalous to me. If you want to play, play with your husband. If you weren’t ready for that commitment then you shouldn’t have gotten married to begin with.
Apparently, there are some people who want to hear my response to your response to my question. I’m good with that.
Here’s where I’m at: Sharing that specific fantasy (hiring a sex worker to have sex with) is hard – and shouldn’t be hard with my husband and best friend, but it is. I’m very much a planner and consider all options – it might sound insensitive or emotionally immature, but that’s just the way my mind works. Considering all options isn’t threatening to me, it just is one way to work through a fantasy. Anonymity and asking for advice on a blog feels significantly easier than a dialogue with my husband, who I could potentially hurt or insult. I would like to avoid both. My husband and I have talked about a lot of difficult issues, and we will do so again. Maybe this will come up, who knows? Life is long and he’s a good man. Again, I am very lucky.
I had a question, I chose to take ten minutes and ask for insight on a blog. That question was thoroughly asked and answered.
The best way to respond to both of you is to focus on the following:
1. I asked an anonymous question and I wanted honest feedback. Both of those things (the anonymity and the feedback) were respected, and I appreciate both the honesty and the personal insights from both of you.
2. It was hard (really hard — I appreciated the “eeesh” emoticons from people on twitter) to read, but again, brutal honest is a rare gift and I’m appreciative. I don’t necessarily agree with everything you offered, but the perspective you both have is understandable and makes sense within the context of your advice and your blog.
3. I feel the need to mention that I am definitely not, in any way, a “pillow queen,” Ryan. 😉 Just trying to keep the tone of the email light. I’m really not. At. All.
It’s difficult to be honest about what I want. That’s humanity and something adults navigate to varying degrees of success. That does not mean that I haven’t said some really hard things to my husband, or him to me.
I don’t want to have “compartmentalized feelings for a provider.” I think I was considering a compartmentalized experience. Venice indicated that it didn’t seem realistic or worth it to her, and at this point, after the bathroom analogy and that data related to the failing of open marriages, I’m inclined to agree. (You win, internet. You win.)
I do not think sex work within the context of two or more willing, knowledgable, and adult participants is wrong. I wish it was legal, regulated, and something without so much stigma, if only to allow for open cultural conversation without shame. Sex and desire should be talked about a lot more than it is. It does start between two partners, but that conversation is often hindered by shame and fear. Intellectually I know that — but I’m human and I still am motivated by fear sometimes. (Hence the question to both of you.)
I don’t really want to delve into every response to every question, comment or insight, as some of them seemed rhetorical. I do want to respond to what I believed was the most insightful comment – that came from Ryan. “If you are okay with your husband having his needs met outside of your marriage, but just do not want to have threesomes with him, or prefer to play with women on your own, that is something you will have to work out with each other.” It really always comes back to communication. Ryan and Venice, continue to be comforted by the fact that you seem to have a marriage where brutal honesty and seemingly constant open dialogue is the rule. A goal for everyone in a relationship built on health and transparency.
I’ve asked a question about my marriage and my personal desires, looking for insight from two strangers on the internet. At the end of the day, my marriage is still sound, my husband and I are good, and I took a risk and shared a fantasy. No one died, I didn’t break the law, and I worked out a pretty risky scenario without taking any measurable risks. All in all, a good day. I don’t want to minimize either my question or your responses by belaboring this — Venice and Ryan, thanks for your time.”
Thanks for your response. I posted it for you in the comment section since you wanted to share it with others. If you would like to join the discussion you can reply here, as the names are all anonymous (an account isn’t required to reply — just a name and email that also isn’t verified).
Or you can sign up an account under an alias.
I appreciate your response to the response and also the original question. Although my comments may seem blunt, we had a lot of the same feelings regarding escorts. Our article about the possibility of using an escort had a lot of the same ideas as your original question. Through our experiences we learned neither of us could really enjoy a paid experience.
I mentioned “pillow queen” but assumed that wasn’t the case. I’d imagine women that really desire experiences with other women, want to fully embody that experience. Oral sex with each other, 69ing, toys, kissing, and licking and rubbing each other’s bodies. From watching Venice and seeing how passionate she was with other women, I knew escorts would have never worked for us. She could have never enjoyed the experience. She likes to give to the other girl just as much as she likes to receive. That just isn’t possible for us with an escort.
Long time reader and follower of the blog and twitter accounts. This post echoed many things wife and I have discussed and toyed with. We used to go to strip clubs where wife received many a lap dance. She could tell the difference between the women who were into her verses those who just wanted her $20+. So we tried soft swapping at sex clubs, which came with its own set of issues that were impacting our relationship.
We talked about it deeply and often. Finally we concluded we don’t find the evenings of eroticism worth the emotional skeletons they ignited. So we are out of the face to face game, and instead fuel our passion plays by swapping pics and stories via our mobile devices.
I do hope we return to a sex club to watch and be watched… I think that is our speed.
Bottom line… we do this as a couple, and our relationship is better for it.
As for the moral issue of sexually oriented businesses, I do believe Venice and Ryan have journaled about societies with legal sex having lower violent sex crime rates. I agree that this country would be better off if sex topics were discussed more freely. How many fewer bar fights there would be if men could give and receive complements on their women as freely as they do about their “Rides”.
“Dude.. Awesome Ride you have there! She’s got some great curves! Is she fast?”
“Damn straight she’s fast… She can blow your socks off… and when you get her really going, she screams.. God I love making her roar.”
Good response Mrinvisible. Your experiences have always been interesting and I’m glad you could add your perspective.
If sex topics were discussed just as freely as one’s vehicle, we’d find something else to not discuss freely. The fact it’s not appropriate in so many places in our lives, is what keeps it taboo. Around children, school events, church, family gatherings, etc. People do not want to hear about your sex life just because you want to share it with the world. I am very open about sex, but when other guys talk about sex around me or coworkers, it’s very creepy. The fact kids can’t hear about it so freely (and rightfully so), also makes sex mysterious from a young age, and as we get older those feelings don’t disappear.
Plus we love having our dirty secrets and skeletons in our closets only our partners know about. Those secrets is why our partners are so special to us.
Q&A: I’m A Married Woman But Want To Fuck Escorts http://t.co/s4L0elpzzi
For those interested, her response to us is in the comment section.
Oh girl, your thirst for that sweet thing is strong huh? lol.
I get what the person was asking and agree with some of her points, but I don’t think the pros outweigh the cons. Knowing my husband, he’d definitely lose a little respect for me if I was out paying for sex. I mean, I know I’d lose respect for him.
But yea, it would be great to have a side woman totally there when we want her, and totally away from our husbands at all time. lol.
Hi stumbled across your blog. Finding it informative/interesting. Just read this recent blog and i can kind of relate to this person s dilemma. Im also a married woman and i live a double live. I say double because as i said im married but i also have a secret hideaway i rent and have sex with younger guys. Im a woman of a certain age and many would say i could you you re married and ought to know better. Well they re not me and i have very strong sexual needs which are just not being met. My husband does not turn me on sexually so i ve been on a sexual odyssey ever since. I have had some of the best sex ever!!! And i dont want it to stop. But as with all things forbidden i guess ill pay for it if i dont stop. I love my secret space and the fantasies being fulfilled within it. I am totally uninhibitied with these guys and they dont judge me
Diva, why not just divorce the guy that doesn’t turn you on sexually?
You’d prefer to just cheat and put him at risk for whatever diseases you may catch on the side?
I’m 19 and never been an escort before but I’m willing to fuck if the price us right