Dear V & R –
I would really appreciate your advice and honest feedback, if you are willing to provide it!
For as long as I’ve been an adult, I’ve struggled with promiscuity, feeling shame about sex, and hiding what I really want. We won’t get into the psychological reasons why, but the long and short of it is, I’m a type-A person with a lot of issues around authenticity, attachment, and vulnerability. I’ve been with a lot of great partners, and I regret nothing I’ve done. My sexual life is full, I’ve had some incredible sex, and I have been very lucky.
I am now married to a wonderful man. Our relationship is not without issues, but all of them are manageable and I’m still in love, happy to be his wife, and very proud of the life we’ve created.
He also knows that I’ve struggled with feeling out of control, and has been very affirming. My husband has said that if I wanted to explore bringing another person into our bed, I would need to tell him. That is not sexually appealing to me, nor am I interested in that kind of relationship. I do not believe my love for him is limited to monogamy, and I know I can love this person and create safe, compartmentalized experiences for myself with hard limits.
Here’s the thing. Our culture provides options for people who want to have sex outside of their marriages. I’m thinking about paying for a provider.
There are some things that are really appealing about that option. One, there are hard boundaries and I decide what I want, when, etc. Two, female sex workers are an economic wonder to me — I have the means to create an experience that I design, that is limited to me, and I can do it with someone who is paid to provide pleasure and (hopefully) enjoys her work. Three, the emotional issues and interpersonal drama that can come from allowing a third-party to enter your sex life will be minimized. I have no interest in cultivating a FWB relationship, zero desire to allow my husband to “approve” or subsidize the experience..
I just want to pay to fuck and play. Then I want to leave. If I return, I would like to assume that will be because there was a mutually satisfactory experience. I look at it like this – I have a colorist, a masseuse, a waxer, and a therapist. Having sex with a provider has the potential to be equally as therapeutic — right?
So here’s the question (though I’m open to any insight you have) — am I some kind of sociopath focused on destroying a relationship I really value and a person I care for? Is something wrong with me? Why isn’t this a thing?
I know you’ve seen the women that are sex workers on social media — I mean they are fucking gorgeous and some seem FUN and SAVVY AS HELL. Is it really that crazy to imagine that more women don’t want to pay for a lazy afternoon in a quiet (or loud..ha) hotel room? Am I right? “Hello..?? (taps mike)..anyone else?”
Practicality is telling me I could do this and provide something for myself that, honestly, would not seemingly harm my relationship whatsoever. Please don’t say “Why pay for something, just go to a bar and find someone!” Also in that vein is “Find your hottest friend and have fun!”
I’ve done that. I’ve fucked strangers, fucked my friends, and as I get older……it just seems like the juice isn’t worth the squeeze. I want no mess, no issues….and no health risks or emotional trauma.
I know I sound like I’ve made up my mind, but I would really value your thoughts as an intelligent and focused couple.
Oh…and just because, you should know…some of the women I have serious crushes on read this blog. So if you tell me not to proceed, you’ll literally be impacting the financial health of some readers. 😉
Oh gosh. Okay, I’m pushing send now. Don’t crucify me!
Miss Can’t I Just Pay?
First, let me address this statement in which you said: “I do not believe my love for him is limited to monogamy, and I know I can love this person and create safe, compartmentalized experiences for myself with hard limits” because it goes against what you say later: “I just want to pay to fuck and play. Then I want to leave.” Do you want to have emotional, compartmentalized feelings for this “provider,” or do you want to fuck once and leave? I’m confused.
Regardless of your answer, it sounds to me that you want to go against your husband’s desire for you to tell him about bringing someone into your bedroom as long as he knows about it. Using a “provider” without your husband agreeing to it sounds like you’re looking for an excuse to be with another lover, and by saying that it would be 1) with a woman and 2) paying for it, sounds like it’d be okay for you to do. But what’s the next step after that? Being with a gigolo? Not paying for it? Fucking random people of all types because you say to yourself, “I’ve already done it a lot now and he doesn’t seem to care. And I don’t really like this guy anyway, but he seems like fun. Plus I can compartmentalize it pretty easy now that I’ve had a lot more practice”?
I would be extremely wary about turning to a sex worker to provide an experience with a woman. You can’t guarantee someone’s cleanliness, i.e. being disease-free, with a sex worker OR someone you’ve grown to know over the course of several dates. No one is guaranteed to be honest with you, but let me just say a sex worker’s livelihood depends on whether or not you deem her to be an acceptable lay, and she’ll probably say anything to appease you. And do you really want to explain how you got an STD to your husband?
It sounds like you want to experience something away from your husband. You risk your marriage and your health – two very important things – for a roll in the hay. Not worth it to me. My experiences have been enjoying seeing the look on Ryan’s face as I and another female please him as well as him seeing me enjoy myself with another women. I could never deny us of those moments, or have those moments alone so he couldn’t enjoy them with me. For what? Protect my insecurities? He is my best friend and I wouldn’t want to go on a trip to Europe without him, watch our favorite show without him, or fuck a girl without him. It’s the experiences we create together that gives us our lifetime memories. And my goal is to spend my lifetime with him.
Lastly, I wouldn’t enjoy an experience with a female that ejaculates random cocks for a living. I love eating pussy, but knowing that possibly thousands of strange dicks have been cumming in and on her would turn me off totally.
I’m not here to crucify you, just giving you some things to think about before you make a detrimental, life-changing decision for some potentially un-sweet pussy.
First, it’s hard to answer a question about an idea I find unattractive while you may not. Obviously my answer is going to be biased towards what I believe, so please take my response with a grain of salt.
Escorts, prostitutes, or call girls, I apologize. I have nothing against women or people who do whatever it is they choose to do, as consenting adults. That doesn’t mean it’s for me.
Let’s put sex workers into perspective. Do you really want to perform oral sex or kiss a woman that has sex or sucks as many random dick as possible for a living? A better question is, would you eat out of a freshly cleaned plumber’s hands after a long day (or life) of work, and enjoy the meal? I mean, if your experiences are having these escorts perform oral sex on you, without you returning the favor, kissing, or being able to enjoy their bodies, then I guess a sex worker could be appealing in that situation. However, you are nothing more than a paycheck to them, not a mutual satisfactory experience. I do not believe they enjoy you, even if they enjoy their work (some of their clientele could be unattractive, old, obese, or just repulsive — yet have money). They enjoy money (easy). Much like a business woman that owns a nail saloon doesn’t necessarily enjoy cleaning the dirt from your cuticles. Also, with that therapeutic analogy you used, you don’t turn around and give your masseuse a massage after she is done. I think it’s safe to assume that you will not be kissing or giving these escorts oral sex or having the fulfilling sexual experiences you think you’d have, unless of course, your kink is being a pillow queen .
I just want to pay to fuck and play. Then I want to leave. If I return, I would like to assume that will be because there was a mutually satisfactory experience. I look at it like this – I have a colorist, a masseuse, a waxer, and a therapist. Having sex with a provider has the potential to be equally as therapeutic — right?“
Do you really believe your colorist, masseuse, waxer, and therapist have mutually satisfactory experiences?
I’ve heard the argument about regulated sex workers / escorts probably being cleaner than any woman you meet at a bar. In some cases, this may be true. In fact, it’s their jobs to smell like perfume and be as clean as possible. I guess the same can be said for any decent restaurant that has a public restroom. It’s their job to make sure people see their establishment as clean, otherwise, why would we eat there? However, I still prefer using the bathroom at my own place, or maybe a friends, because no matter how clean a public bathroom is, it will still be a public place thousands of random people use to sit their sweaty asses on.
So am I really saying escorts are like public bathrooms in nice restaurants?
Yes, except a lot of them aren’t even in nice restaurants. In fact, they use air fresheners instead of bleach and the toilet seats just look clean because they wipe the piss off of them with toilet paper after each use.
Okay, let’s move on to the actual question.
From what I understand, you want to have experiences outside of marriage but do not want to include your husband. You want him to believe that all these sexual encounters are equivalent to going to the nail saloon and getting your nails done. You have no interest in sharing these experiences with him. You feel we are in a culture now where people can be serviced by others sexually the same as you can visit a masseuse (again, you don’t massage your masseuse and please them in return — so I again assume you only want to be pleased without giving back). It’s merely a service.
I believe this is the gist of your question. I guess I’ll answer your question with a few of my own.
Are you okay with your husband also using this service separately from you and your marriage? Are you okay with him using sex as nothing more than a servicing act, like going to the barber to get his haircut? Can he hire hookers to get him off as some sort of therapy to relieve stress? Is this something you are okay with?
If you are not okay with your husband having his sexual needs met outside of your marriage, then I’d reassess your own ideas and quit putting your needs ahead of your relationships. When you got married you entered into a partnership. Life is no longer about you, it’s about both of you. Like with any partnership, if you both do not agree with an idea, you don’t ignore your partner’s feelings and do something that makes him unhappy. If you decide your need is bigger than the partnership, it won’t take long for that partnership to dissolve.
If you are okay with your husband having his needs met outside of your marriage, but just do not want to have threesomes with him, or prefer to play with women on your own, that is something you will have to work out with each other. I do not feel having any experiences outside of your marriage is healthy for a relationship, but some people make it work. Not many .
It kind of sounds to me like you want to convince him that having sex with other people, because they are sex workers, is unattached and totally unemotional. Although you do not want other women around your man, because for him to have sex with them would mean much more than when you have sex with them. You want to have your cake…or vagina, and eat it too. You just don’t want to share.
 A Pillow Queen is someone who likes to be on the receiving end of sex. She likes to be pleasured and not reciprocate.
 91% (or more) of all open marriages end in divorce — according to a Psychology Today article.
I understand that at one point we wrote an article discussing escorts and threesomes. This is something we decided against because of the reasons above. At the time, we both felt using an escort may be the safest way to have a threesome. We were scared, didn’t know if we’d create emotional attachments, and also wanted to keep the experience just a random one time event. We didn’t understand that a lot of the things we now consider fun and exciting, just wouldn’t have been possible for us to enjoy with an escort. Specifically, kissing, oral sex, hanging out drinking prior, and just enjoying the moment without feeling a bit disgusted. Who wants to pay someone to hang out? However, our feelings do not make us right or wrong, they are just our feelings.
TAGS: escorts, hookers, prostitutes, call girls, porn stars, having a escort while married, in a marriage and having sex with prostitutes, prostitution