The Male Orgasm Rating System

umbrellaSo, why do we blog? Because we are weird and do weird shit.   Somewhere along the lines we decided to share these weird things with the rest of the world because, well, why not?

We didn’t get into blogging for traffic or to sell sex products.  We didn’t even know if our blog would ever be read by anyone other than ourselves.  However, we both got off on the idea that our random thoughts and sexual experiences would be online for us to read whenever we wanted.   Almost like a public diary.

Dear Diary:

Today I am going to create a rating system for my orgasms.  Why? Because yesterday as Venice was giving me a blow job I couldn’t stay still.  She had both of her hands around my dick stroking me while she kept the head of my penis in her mouth.  This technique literally gets me so high that I cannot function.  My eyes water up, my ears get hot, my face goes numb, and I literally feel like I have no control over my body.  Like when getting a buzz from alcohol (I’m a very happy drinker) or some sort of drug, everything I look at gives me this euphoric feeling.   For instance, when I am in this high drug-like state, I look down at Venice and she is like an absolute angel.  My mind is in an extremely positive state and everything about her makes me happy.  Her looks, her body, her personality, everything, becomes angelic.   It seems chauvinistic, but I swear a woman is at her most beautiful when she has a dick in her mouth.  I don’t know if it’s the addiction to this feeling it creates or I am just a douchebag and like seeing Venice suck my cock.  However, my truth, between you and me Diary, she never looks more perfect than when she is giving me oral sex.  I do not care if she has spit all over herself and my dick, has tears running down her face, pulls my dick out and beats it against her own face saying how much it hurts, is moaning with each slurp like my dick is the best meal she has ever had, and is twisting her neck back and forth in weird motions just to let me know she wants to rub her jaw and mouth on every angle of my penis, she is flawless.  Beyond a super model. I feel some women do not get that they create this feeling in men.  They see oral sex as submissive or disrespectful.  If they do give you oral sex it’s slow, with little movement, as if they are eating at a classy dinner table and want to use proper etiquette.   The more you try to be polite, the more awkward you look. If you stop to wipe off spit, or giggle because you feel uncomfortable, you are ruining the moment.  Sucking our dicks and then not touching it because you may get your own spit on your hands is an absolute mood killer.  There is no nice classy way to give your man oral sex.  You either suck him with authority and put inhibition on the back burner, or you are not really that good at giving head.  That is it.  If you still feel like a lady while you are sucking your man, you probably aren’t doing it right.

Back to the point.  Good thing this is only for me and my Diary, otherwise I’d have to explain to the readers why my thoughts are so random and all over the place. By the way, if you aren’t me and you are reading this, please stop now.  No one gave you permission to look through my Diary.  Just because it’s here on the blog doesn’t mean it’s right for you to snoop through my shit.  Shame on you.

As I was saying, I just couldn’t keep still.  The more she sucked, the more I was circling my hips and holding the wall above my head with both of my hands.  I grinded my body against her face, moaning with each of her strokes, almost in tears because of how good it felt.  I felt my whole body go numb and I no longer heard any sound other than her lips slurping on my dick.  My body convulsed and I lost all composure as I jerked my cum into her mouth.  When I orgasm, my dick is as erect as it will ever get, so Venice will work her throat down my slight curve and erection until her lips are resting against my balls and pubic bone. Although she can easily deepthroat regardless of what type of erection I have, she has the most trouble right before I orgasm.  I can feel her grab the back of my hips and force her lips down my cock, struggling a bit to push it down her throat without being able to bend my shaft.  This tightness and push feels amazing while I orgasm.  It almost mimics the sensation of me driving my body deep into her pussy or ass, letting the pressure of her back walls intensify what I feel while I ejaculate.

After we were done, I could tell she knew I really enjoyed myself.  She cutely asked, “How was it?”

I knew she wanted to know if my orgasm was as good as my body language  responded so I replied, “It was probably the best orgasm I’ve ever had.”

She got up from the bed and laughed.  She had heard that so many times I could tell she wanted a different answer.  She jokingly responded, “You say that so much that I just can’t take it serious anymore.”

She was right, I did say it a lot.  At first, saying those words meant something. But lately, it was all becoming a smorgasbord of amazing orgasms. She can always tell when my orgasms are good or really good.  And these days, I have a lot more really good, than just good.  It wasn’t always that way though.

For the first few years of our marriage, I was young and not in tune with my body. I can’t remember ever having an orgasm that wasn’t the same as me just jacking off alone in the bedroom. Although I loved having sex with Venice, the orgasms seemed like nothing more than an anatomical function.  We’d fuck until I would feel that sensation under my balls.   I would move faster, creating friction with our bodies until the pressure from my prostate released semen into her body.  Then I would collapse on her, while my penis emptied inside her.  Actually, for the first 10 years, we used the “pull out” method as a form of contraceptive, so the truth is, most of the times we had sex, I would pull out and cum on various parts of her body.  In hindsight, this is probably why none of my orgasms were more than average.  I’ve learned that stopping my body mid orgasm to sit up and jack off while I released, took away almost all of the intensity I felt otherwise.

Okay Mr. Know-It-All Diary, I know what you are thinking.   If you know everything, explain to me why Venice didn’t ever have any unplanned pregnancies?   I don’t care if you think I am foolish for “pulling out” as a form of contraceptive.  It worked.  Explain that.  For 10 years, not once did we have an accidental pregnancy, but when we did decide to try and get pregnant, within a month, it happened.  So laugh at the “pull out” method all you want, but it worked.

…whatever, you think you know everything.  I don’t care what you read on CDC or what your sex education teacher (who was also the basketball coach and health teacher) said to you.  Please, quit interrupting me, I am trying to make my Orgasm Rating Scale.

Fuck, my Diary is annoying as hell.

Without further adieu, I present the Orgasm Rating Scale.  At first I decided that I wanted to use the 5 star  system, because it’s simple and works.  However, scrolling through the different Emojis, I am wondering if maybe I should use the umbrellas? 

Trust me, if you were on the receiving end of my 5 star orgasm you’d absolutely need an umbrella.  In fact, I think the stars would be pretty useless to you unless they were made of the same material you make napkins with.  Just sayin’.

1 Umbrella Orgasm ():  This orgasm is also called the old “lock the bathroom door” or “dang, he really takes long baths” orgasm.  There is very little mental satisfaction beyond a physical release.  This is the orgasm we get when we masturbate by ourselves or hurry up and orgasm before our parents came home, not only was the orgasm quick and uneventful, it really wasn’t that intense.  No build up, no one to share it with, and pretty much your dark little secret that you did so many times it didn’t even feel like a secret anymore.  Rather than shooting sperm all over yourself, it dribbles out of your body, onto your lower stomach or onto a napkin.  Clean and quick.   The 1 Umbrella Orgasm is at the bottom of the orgasm list.

Some examples of a 1 Umbrella Orgasm:

  • The sound of your little brother beating on the bathroom door because he has to use the bathroom. You keep yelling, “Hold on!” while you sit on the toilet seat or in the bathtub stroking yourself as fast as can  trying to force an orgasm.
  • Laying in the bed with your morning wood stroking just because you have an erection.  You orgasm for no other reason other than your penis was erect and, well, why not?
  • Any forced or rushed orgasm.
  • Relieving yourself for no other reason than you are bored or you’re killing time before you favorite television show.  Yes, men masturbate just because they are bored or to kill time.  Angry Birds or Candy Crush will never be our number 1 time killer ladies. Ever.
  • Knowing your parents are coming home from work soon and you can’t stop thinking about that boobie scene  in one of the movies your dad rented the night before.  In my case, it was a full frontal bush shot in Two Moon Junction.  I have no idea who the actress was, and I didn’t even like blonde girls, but a scene with the actress totally nude and slowly spinning was possibly the beginning of 3D virtual girls.  This is the orgasm where you have to rush home from school and load the tape into the VCR as quickly as possible. Then you fast forward to the part you want to see, Flash Gordon jack off, then rewind the video back to the beginning before anyone gets home so when your dad returns it he doesn’t get charged a “no rewind” fee.  Ah yes, good times indeed.
  • Sitting in bed alone not able to go to sleep — so you start masturbating just to help get you tired.  Yes, men masturbate just to help them sleep better.  In fact I have tossed and turned before because I didn’t relieve myself, woke up, masturbated, then went to sleep like a little baby.

2 Umbrella Orgasm ():  A 2 Umbrella Orgasm is the best masturbation gets.  It’s one of those hour long edging sessions. Maybe it’s the orgasm that you get when you see a porn for the first time that you didn’t think even existed, so you got so turned on watching it your cock and balls just explode. Or the orgasm that you built up for an hour while watching 100 different porn videos, fast forwarding to your favorite parts, edging and then relaxing until you load the next video. The 2 Umbrella Orgasm shoots out of your penis across your body or the room.  At times it has accidentally blasted you in your own face, yet that is something you never talk about with anyone, no matter how open or drunk you get.  The unmentioned accidental face shot is absolutely a 2 Umbrella Orgasm. The feeling you get during these orgasms are  intense, causing your eyes to roll back in your head and giving you the death grip on your penis.   What sets this orgasm apart from the higher rated ones is you have no one to share it with.  You pleased yourself and no one will ever see your glorious cum shot.  Since technology is changing, some guys may get on webcam and achieve a higher level of orgasm because people are watching them, but this is my rating system, not theirs.  This is the highest level you can achieve alone.

Some examples of a  2 Umbrella Orgasm:

  • whos the bossYour first real fantasy about a television or movie star you had a crush on and masturbated to the thought of her. For me, it was Alyssa Milano, or as we all remember her, Samantha from Who’s the Boss.  But sometimes I would think about the prude blonde mother or the feisty red headed grandmother.  I know I know, but I was only 12 and my imagination was all over the place.
  • Exploring your anus for the first time with a finger or some random object.  Regardless of how straight your boyfriend or husband is, he has explored his own anus. He may die before he ever admits it, but our second hand rub our balls, guiche, taint, and even anus when we are all alone.  If you don’t believe me, touch it, lick it, or stick your finger in it and watch how fast he cums. No, you won’t be his first, he took his own manginity long ago.
  • The first time you kissed, held a girl’s hand, fingered a girl, or sucked on a nipple, and then later went home and pleased yourself thinking about the pre-sex dirty deeds.  I can still remember my penis dripping during an entire movie, just because a girl put her hand on my leg.  I swear I peed my pants because for whatever reason, my little teenage hormones had my penis dripping endless froth as if it was going to lather up that young girl and make penetration much easier.  Wishful thinking penis.   But at least later I learned that I could shoot semen 6 feet across the room.
  • A long session where you edged yourself for an hour.
  • The first time you masturbate after being at camp or some place  where you couldn’t masturbate for days — finally getting that release and cumming all over the place.  This actually didn’t happen to me until later in life when Venice went off to field training (military — like a bootcamp for officers).  I was busy and depressed, so I guess I didn’t ejaculate for weeks.  When I finally did, it was the first time I saw my cum literally shot out of my body like I was urinating. Crazy and intense.  I have never duplicated this, but that’s probably because Venice has never left my side again and has literally kept my balls empty our entire marriage.
  • stimulators_poster_01The first time you saw a porn video.  I still remember my first porn, The Stimulators, starring a young Ron Jeremy and a bunch of women who had no idea that one day it would be okay to shave their forests.  No fake breasts,  no six packs, and no endless cut scenes of random sex.   The cheesy story line probably took me 2 years of my teenage life to actually get through, because I would cum within minutes.  To this day, I still have a place in my pants for any woman with a natural bush.  It’s how I learned what a real woman was.
  • Phone sex.  Venice and I did this a lot when we first met.  Both shy, but on the phone, not so much.  The first time I orgasmed with her listening, I cried.   I don’t know why.  I felt vulnerable or like I did something I wasn’t supposed to do.  She made me feel comfortable and eventually took our endless fantasies and turned them into a reality.  The truth is, all of our phone conversations opened both of our young minds to the things we would both be willing to try: analynguist, anal, swallowing, and more.   Before we ever had sex, our minds had done the craziest things you could think of together.  This built huge anticipation for both of us.  Once we advanced passed talking, it was a matter of trying everything we had ever talked about.  The result is this blog.

Random meaningless advice: Slow down with your partner and mentally connect prior to physically connecting.  Threesomes, anal, and everything else may be possible, if you have a deeper connection from the beginning.  I never have advice for guys asking, “How do I get my wife to have a threesome / anal?” But if I could piece together what led to our openness, I would start with how we first were intimate together. We talked about everything, every detail, and built up this huge anticipation for all the experimental fantasies we could think of.  Talking about it and making each other comfortable with our thoughts, without really judging each other as dirty/perverted/right or wrong.   By the time we were physical, we had very little reservations on what we wanted to try.   The build up and both being turned on by fantasizing together helped us tremendously.   A little random food for thought.

3 Umbrella Orgasm (): This is the level your orgasms reach once you start having sex.  In fact, this is the most common orgasm for me and most men in relationships.  This is basically the 1 Umbrella Orgasm, except you have your partner to share with.  Your semen doesn’t shoot out all over the place, but it still feels amazing. Even the 1 Umbrella Orgasms keep men happy, and some guys may never go beyond this.  These orgasms are always shared with your partner, as they witness the orgasm, your reactions, your cum shot, and the entire experience. No matter what, sharing an orgasm sets it apart from masturbation.  It’s why men want partners and prefer to have sex over masturbation.  We want to see the woman’s reaction as we cum. We want her to see us vulnerable and enjoy the idea of sharing a moment we kept private for so many years.  It makes us feel naughty and young again.  We really just want someone else to watch the exact moment we love so much.  And yes, men love to see their own cum shots.

Some examples of a 3 umbrella orgasm:

  • Random quickies.
  • Everyday sex, but nothing to outrageous beyond making out and orgasming together.
  • Planned sex sessions when you both are tired but just want to be close to each other.
  • Having a threesomes and your orgasm is more part of the act — so both girls get to see a finish.   Although I didn’t cum half the time we hooked up with other girls, every time I did, it was forced and I did it just to please the ladies.  After the girl leaves, I tend to have a 4 Umbrella Orgasm alone with Venice.  This orgasm for some men would easily be a 4, but that would depend on your personality and what you are comfortable with.
  • Trying out a new sex toy and not really liking it. Although you orgasm, it was really just to use the toy to completion so you never have to try it again.
  • Random orgasms you have in various public places — the thrill of pulling it off without being caught. Although this one is on the fence because these orgasms are  extremely forced.   However, the adrenaline rush of having sex in a public place may put a man over the top and move this into the 4 Umbrella Orgasm category, depending on the man.  For me, it’s easily a 3.

4  Umbrella Orgasm (): These orgasms are intimate and feel amazing.  You can shoot across the room, be totally excited, and physically feel great.  They are not the best orgasms you’ve ever had, but they are the orgasms you want every time you have sex with your wife. These are the orgasms men chase, and the reason we are addicted to sex.  It’s the perfect release and comparable to 2 Umbrella Orgasms except with a person to share them with.  Physically they feel amazing in every way, the release is major, and your partner usually feels like a porn star after giving you this climax.

Some examples of a 4 umbrella orgasm:

  • Before bed when you feel extremely close to your wife and feel this overwhelming feeling of love as you orgasm.  When during sex kissing becomes just as important as the actual penetration.  The intimacy and closeness give you a mental high that partnered with the physical sensation, brings you over the top with a great orgasm.  These orgasms, paralleled with hearing,  “I love you so much” as you cum, gives you a feeling that is perfect.
  • Intense sessions where dirty talk is used and your cum release it is powerful and intense — shooting out rather than dribbling.  No matter how many times you both have seen cum shoot out, women and men alike, love seeing a good cum shot.  I am unsure if it’s nature’s way to make a powerful cum shot attractive because it insures pregnancy, but instinctively, this visual satisfies both sexes.  Larger balls and penises have the same effect on women, instinctively.  The more fertile a man seems, the more active a woman finds him.  Even if she doesn’t want to get pregnant, it’s just a deep embedded instinct that turns women on.  It also turns men on for the same reasons.  We want to have large cocks, large balls, and huge cum shots.  This makes us seem more fertile and betters our chances at finding a mate. Although primitive, having a better orgasm is much more satisfying visually, partially because of those reasons.
  • Orgasms together / at the same time. Although you would think this is a 5 umbrella orgasm, the truth is, after I make Venice cum through intercourse, my body usually tries to orgasm with her on purpose so I rush myself to finish with her.  It makes for a great moment mentally, but physically the orgasms are as intense.

5 Umbrella Orgasm ():  These orgasms are the best orgasms you’ve had in your life.  Whether it be because you are excited doing something for the first time, or because you have trouble orgasming in certain positions but because it’s being done so well, your body losses control of itself.   These cum shots are always intense and shoot out everywhere. There is no mistaking a 5 umbrella orgasm.   The difference between a 4 umbrella and 5 umbrella orgasm is probably pure physical.  Sometimes your woman can do everything right yet your body doesn’t hit this level of intensity.   Very rare.

Some examples of a 5 umbrella orgasm:

  • The first time you have sex with someone you think is way out of your league.  I felt this feeling, without even actually having an orgasm with Venice the first time we were together.  Although I didn’t finish because I was scared and not ready to share that part of me, it was one of the best experiences I ever had in my life.  I couldn’t believe she gave herself to me and the euphoric high feeling I got addicted me immediately.
  • The first time you anal or try something you didn’t think existed.  These type of sexual experiences always create great orgasms.  It’s just to bad you run out of firsts.
  • The first time you watch a porn together.  Realizing that you can actually get that horny while someone is with you also getting that horny, turns into an extremely intense orgasm.
  • Getting blow jobs than leave you paralyzed — where you do not have to think about having an orgasm but it still just happens.  This has been happening to me a lot lately, as for years I could not orgasm from oral sex.   I also have trouble having an orgasm while a woman rides me, so if she can move her body in a way to actually make me cum in that position, changes are my orgasms will be off the richter scale.
  • Using random sex toys on each other that absolutely blow your mind and work as intended.  95% of sex toys fail horribly.  5% work to perfection and give you orgasms that go well beyond what you ever expected.  Not to mention, the feeling of being kinky and naughty with permission always make orgasms much more intense.
  • Role playing sex sessions where you both pretend to be other people — scenario sex that ends with extremely intense orgasms.  Most of the times I have ever role played with Venice, end with a 5 Umbrella Orgasm.  I feel so comfortable with her, so deep inside I know its the woman I love.  But pretending to be other people always takes me over the top, especially when neither of us break character until we finish.
  • Sex where the dirty talk turns you on so much that you have to edge your orgasm until it hurts.  Although the excitement isn’t always what puts you over the top, but a physical reaction that shuts your body down and absolutely drains you puts this at a 5.


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Orgasm Rating System

Yes, you are weird.

But that’s okay, it makes for interesting reading.

Dang, you didn’t have a crush on a television star, you had a crush on a television show. lol.

The old red head lady though? Come on Ryan, your little 12 year old butt wouldn’t know what to do with that!

As long as he didn’t say Tony Danza, I am fine with it. lol

Do you still have 1-star orgasms?

The Male Orgasm Rating System

Ah, the holy grail of orgasms. No woman has ever been able to get me off with oral sex. The day that happens, I assume my penis will spit out little angels and sugar snowflakes.


Reading about role playing sex reminded me of when my husband first became a CO years ago. All throughout the probationary period he would come home and show me tactical moves and whatever he learned during training. When he completed his training sessions I brought a silly, sexy prisoner outfit and pretended to be a prisoner. We stayed in character until we both finished and had an amazing night. I’ve only worn it a few times after that initial time and nothing compares to the first time he laid eyes on me in that costume

I would love to submit the female equivalent of your ‘handy’ rating system!

I would love to see it!

You can use the contact me section and email it to me if you like. I may do one, then add yours to the blog as well.