Q & A: I’m A Virgin and Depressed, Should I Hire An Escort?!

Hey guys, from Australia here. First off, where I am from escorts are totally legal and regulated.  I figured I would at least get that part out of the way to save the legality part of this question.  Okay, now on to my dilemma.

I am in college, a senior and I am still a virgin at 22 years old. It’s Ironic too because I dress decent, have a good group of friends, and I work out everyday.   However I have always believed my face is ugly.  My mom has tried to diagnose me with body dysmorphia, but I think that’s what all mothers do. I’ve overheard plenty of girls whispering that I am unattractive.  The few girls I have asked out have responded in what I took as disgust.  I can’t help or fix my face, so I am going to be ugly forever.  I have felt this way for as long as I can remember and as a result I have never achieved any form of confidence in my life. It really sucks walking around campus with people, and you are just thinking the whole time about how you don’t measure up to anyone else in terms of looks and confidence.  I do have a pretty good job for a college student and also play in a band on the side.  I don’t think I am lacking in extra curricular activities or depressed because of anything other than feeling like no girl will ever really want me.

The past few months I have become even more depressed because It seems that I work so hard to feel good but still feel like shit.  I hate not having confidence because of my v card and facial unattractiveness, which then perpetuates the cycle of not being able to get women because I am insecure. I feel like when I am talking with a girl, all I can think about is how I suck and how there are so many better guys out there that she could easily get. This then oozes out of me in minor ways which women sniff out in an instant. Sometimes I do feel confident because my day is going well, but I find most of the time it sucks.

I believe I have a very slight form of Asperger’s and I think this makes it hard for me to build intimate relationships possibly.  In other words, I don’t realize that I am being hit on. In combination with my lack of confidence, I also have never had the courage to flirt with girls because I was raised to be nice.  I’m a nice guy.  If I did ever try, I am pretty sure I would get rejected immediately. Literally, my whole life has been nothing but rejection.  I just do not understand what I am doing wrong.

I have slipped into a severe depression.  I always feel inadequate and like a complete loser. I have become very tired/burnt out of trying so hard to stay in shape only to still believe I am unattractive because of my face. Plus, I just can’t help but feeling like my friends don’t give a damn about me. I also find that people I meet don’t like to make eye contact with me for very long? And no my body language is not weird, and I am not socially awkward. I am so tired of being single when everyone else is dating, in relationships, or just hooking up with random girls after a night out drinking. It really sucks when I’m with my friends or at a party and they start talking about sex and how great it is.  I usually pretend like I know what I am talking about, and just lie like I am not a virgin. And don’t give me this “it’s okay” or “just wait” or “no one cares that you’re a virgin” bullshit, it does matter because it’s unattractive as a man to be a virgin and everyone knows it.

It’s like I am carrying a 50 pound weight wherever I go, just weighing me down. I don’t know how much longer I can continue to ‘live’ like this (if that’s what you want to call it).   Thus I have been contemplating suicide as well during the past month or so because I just don’t see the point in living. I mean, it’s just the same shit every single day (go to class, go home, workout, go out, get rejected repeat) and I just don’t understand what the point is. I am going to wait on the whole suicide thing because first I want to have sex with an actual woman. I know that’s not going to fix my depression, but I feel it’s the driving force behind all my negative thoughts.  I have come to the conclusion that I could easily boost my confidence having sex with an escort. I’d love to get this 50 pounds off my shoulders and go back to living my life not caring about the insecurities involved with being a virgin or feeling ugly.   Do you think I should do it?  Do you think I will regret it?  Is it possible it will help with my self esteem and confidence? If you have any tips for finding the right place and going about the whole process I would appreciate it.  I just feel that until I finally do It, I will just radiate this vibe from myself that everyone pickups on. I am done waiting for it to happen, I cant live like this anymore, I just can’t.

Venice’s response:
I think the most important thing to address is you suggesting suicide. It should never be an option. Why? Because besides only getting one life, you’ll miss out on all the future sex you’ll be having. With that being said, after reading your dilemma, I realize even more just how powerful sex is. It’s so much more than an amazing physical feeling (e.g. orgasm). It’s about connecting with someone, acceptance (knowing that someone wants you to be in their personal space, her body, touching, sweating), and of course, to feel loved. However, to me, it seems that your purity is not something you’re concerned with preserving, that it’s the last thing on your mind. So I’m not going to give you the wait-for-that-special-person speech. In any other situation, I would probably tell you to save yourself for someone who wants to see you after you’ve had sex, who wants to hold your hands at when you binge-watch Supernatural on Netflix, who wants to know all about your dysfunctional family, who will Skype you before you go to bed. In a perfect world, we’d ALL get that. But in your situation, the lovey-doviness is definitely secondary.

I understand a lot of the frustration and hopelessness you feel. I never thought I was pretty either. I wasn’t in a band, but I did have a small group of friends. Boys didn’t like me, and what made it worse was there were girls around me who were ehh in looks who were getting boyfriends. I lived my entire childhood/teenagehood believing I was destined to be alone. Then I started high school, where there were more kids from other counties, other schools, other cities, and not just the same group of 50 kids who I knew since I was 8. The social pool got bigger and deeper. College is similar in that it represents just a small community of all the humans in the world. Don’t feel let down – many of our circles (in fact, most communities or any body that is home to groups of people) are filled with people with focused on their own agenda, i.e. studying, partying, trying to get by to graduate. The narcissism level is probably very high as a whole. It might be advantageous to you to look into a group that shares your interests, even online (forums, gaming, hobbies). My point is: don’t lose hope because what you want isn’t within arm’s reach.

Since you are in Australia and escorts are legal, I wouldn’t be opposed to you exploring that route. Do your research though. Is she part of a reputable company? Do they do frequent STD testing? Keep these things in mind. This experience may do you a whole lot of good for gaining sexual experience, for your confidence, and even your depression. I’m not a doctor, but I am a human. In my own experience, I know I feel sexy and beautiful when I walk around knowing I just had sex. For some people, it’s new clothes, shoes, a nicer car, a better job. For me, it’s knowing I keep my man sexually.

Good luck. I sincerely hope everything works out for you.

P.S. have you considered selling your virginity on eBay? 🙂

Ryan’s response:
You are not alone my friend.  I felt the same way and was in the same position you were in.  I felt ugly, I felt unlikable, and I felt like I was going to be a virgin forever.  I can remember hanging out with my friends and always thinking about how no matter how much they liked me, they could never respect me because they knew I was ugly and would never have sex.  The pressure I put on myself was unrealistic.  The pressure of being a virgin made me feel lesser than all my friends who had sex.  Even my friends much younger, freshmen, couldn’t respect me, a senior, with no real sexual experience. Looking back at old pictures, my body was sharp. I had a 6 pack with large shoulders, a Brad Pitt chest, and truthfully, I was handsome in a very innocent way.  I can look back, now feeling older and ugly, and see that my metaperceptions were so wrong.  What did make me ugly though was my attitude and my inability to socialize because of how I felt about myself. Girls rejected me because I made them feel awkward.   It had very little to do with my looks.

However, sex did help, at least in my case. Although it wasn’t with an escort, it didn’t matter. The weight of not having to be embarrassed was gone.  The thought of no one would ever want me was lifted (not gone, but it gradually became less extreme), and the thoughts of suicide totally vanished.  I called Venice my angel when we met because I really believe she saved my life.  I do not know what she saw in me, I do not know why she took interest, and I still don’t understand how she fell in love with me, but she did.    I owe my life to her.  My loyalty knows no bounds and I wouldn’t look at another person if I knew she was against it. My extreme pessimistic mindset turned into an extreme loyalty.   However, sex didn’t change me completely.  I can remember one day Venice wanted me to meet a friend of hers that came over to her house.  I refused to leave her bedroom because I was so scared that her friend would see me and tell Venice that she thought I was ugly.  I was still scared that outside sources could “fix” Venice’s eyesight and she saw how truly ugly I was. I was so fucking dumb.   I would give anything to look like how I looked at 19 and 20.

With all that said, if there were no legal issues with escorts, maybe I would have had sex sooner. I’m unsure though, because in high school I had a few offers from girls who “got around” and I turned them down.  I felt ugly, but I was also really scared of a girl sleeping with me and telling the world my penis was curved, or I didn’t last as long as her last fling in bed.  The fear of someone knowing about my intimate body parts was almost as great as my fear of being alone forever.  A random escort would have been so much better than a few girls in school that had loose lips and talked about the different men they had slept with.  However, thank goodness I didn’t fuck anyone. Not that it would have hurt me personally, but it may have ruined what Venice saw in me…my innocence. She absolutely loved my innocence, she loved that we could learn things together, she loved that I wasn’t tainted by various women prior to meeting her, and she attached herself to me because liked the role of being my caretaker and babying me.  She understood how important she was in my life and prided herself in being the girl who saved me.  Knowing I did something that was so important to her with an escort, would have destroyed her entire idea of who I was as a person. Without her, who knows where I would be.    It was her heart’s hands that molded me into what she wanted.  She has made me the man I am now.  It was my innocence that made me different from other men and her perspective on how men she thought all men were when she was growing up.

What does all that mean to you?  Probably nothing.  I just hope you meet a girl that falls in love with you one day and doesn’t care one bit about your past, whether it be ex girlfriends or escorts.  For me, my advice to you is simple.  If it’s legal, and I just googled and checked that it was in Australia, go meet up with an escort and see where that leads.   I’ve mentioned the one “con” I think this decision could lead to, but other than that, I would have probably done the same thing you are thinking about doing.  Escorts don’t talk, won’t spread rumors around to all your friends, won’t laugh if you are small or cum too quickly, and especially do not care if you are ugly. If you are feeling insecure about your face with an escort, just tape a dollar bill to your forehead and I promise you, the escort will think you are the most handsome guy she has ever met in her life (that night).  

Life is too short to waste this much energy on the thoughts of not having sex, feeling depressed, and contemplating suicide.  If it’s that serious, go out and find an escort service (I am not from Australia but you can check out websites like EscortsAndBabes.com.au), and get the experience you seem to need.  Just know, the feeling of “I will never have sex” will be replaced with the embarrassment of “I can never tell anyone I banged an escort.”  Regardless, please check back with us afterwards and let us know if it helps your confidence or self esteem, because truthfully, I have no idea what it will do for you.  I do know that it can’t be any worse than you contemplating suicide.   I’d also like to suggest finding out if your school has a crisis center or counseling/therapist for the student body.  You sound like you have a lot of issues you need to work out. Should I Hire An Escort? Should I Hire An Escort?  Should I Hire An Escort?  Should I Hire An Escort?