Q&A: I have physical orgasms, but not mental. Is there more?

orgasmI am a 27 year old female and I think I orgasm. I have the physical feeling, wetness, waves of heat, vaginal clenches. It builds and releases like a sneeze but that’s it. I feel like I’m missing something, should something be happening in my mind? Some explosion, earth moving, angels singing moment? Am I broken? Is there a physical problem? I’m in a serious relationship and very much turned on by my partner and I love having sex I just feel there should be more. Please help. female orgasms female orgasms female orgasms

Venice’s response:
I can see how you feel like you’re missing something in your orgasms. But everything you described, the physical feeling, wetness, waves of heat, and vaginal clenches, is all part of the orgasmic experiences. It’s not a one, clear-cut moment that defines an orgasm, it’s a combination of events and phases that make an orgasm (YOUR orgasm) one that you achieve with your partner. You’re not alone in feeling like something is “missing.” Women in general have been duped, or misled rather, into believing so many media-driven misconceptions.

Myth: When a woman orgasms, she will have an earth-shattering experience that will cause her to scream in her lover’s ear, i.e. “When Harry Met Sally” diner scene. And the louder she is, the better her lover was in bed.

Fact: Some women have orgasms and don’t know it. Some women do not experience orgasm in the sense of feeling their pelvic floor muscles contract. They do however reach a peak of arousal after which they feel very relaxed and contented, the same feelings other women experience after orgasm.  Some women may feel their bodies spasm and their muscles contract, but not have the earth-moving intensity of other orgasms.   By contrast, some women that do get very aroused and do not experience an orgasm will sometimes feel “nervous” or “edgy” or even an aching discomfort in their pelvis.
Me: Women don’t have to moan and writhe in ecstasy to show you that her orgasm was mind-blowing. In fact, she doesn’t have to make a sound to show that she’s enjoying you. For example, sometimes I will get so into sex that all I simply do is lift my body up as Ryan digs his hips into me or even grab the sheets tightly. We’ve gone a half hour without saying a word to each other. But when it’s over, we’re both sweating, our hearts are racing like we’d just run a mile, and between our legs are dripping from both our juices. Sometimes I am so in the moment and Ryan is caught up in me being “too quiet” that he hasn’t realized that I’ve orgasmed 3 or 4 times, sometimes 4 1/2 because…well, I’d been interrupted. Your body language says so much, sometimes more, than what your mouth can verbalize.

It sounds like you’re judging your own personal experiences by what oversensationalized movie scenes as well as porn scenes portray. But while one is a rated-R movie and porn is x-rated, the thing they have in common is that they show you what men believe is a turn-on: a woman who is vocal in bed. Why? Because they believe it’s what they do when they’re turned on. If they’re quiet, it means they’re bored or it means the man is doing something wrong. So, a woman takes these “lessons” and follows suit. Monkey see, monkey do…without giving it a second thought as to why women “should” do this.

The bottom line is there is nothing wrong with you. You have definitely orgasmed and nothing is going on in your mind when as it’s happening. Just keep doing what you do, keep climaxing. Talk to your partner about what goes on in your body and make sure he understands what your body and mind go through when you have sex.  A few links below that talk about the myths and facts of a female orgasm, along with an old blog that I wrote after a night of having every type of orgasm that exists (in my world).

Female Orgasms – Myths and Facts

Multiple Orgasms

Ryan’s response:
I cannot really speak on a female orgasm but I know mentally my orgasms vary depending on if I am alone, the amount of effort, or how turned on I am.  I’ve had ejaculations where I was let down on how empty it felt.  Obviously, these are not as satisfying as orgasms that paralyze me, but there are variations.

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Every orgasms isn’t earth shattering. But I do think some women may be orgasmic but they are not in tune with their own bodies.

I love your answer to this question. It’s what I thought when I read it. Every orgasm isn’t the same. There are the ones that are kinda “light” for lack of a better word and then there are others that may make you forget your name for a bit. lol.

I am building a website (www.sexmentally.com), the site is up but my blog posts aren’t live yet. They will probably be going up this week. I’ve been trying to think about what to write for a post about the female orgasm and this question has given me direction and so much inspiration. The blog post began coming to me as I typed my comment. So thank you so much. I love your blog, you guys are hilarious. I will definitely link back to this post when my post goes up.