Q&A – My Wife Hates Sex, Why Won’t She Just Give Me A Hall Pass?

My wife has a very low sex drive and does not need or want sex. She refuses to give oral, claiming it causes lockjaw and is painful for her. So the only time we have sex is when she can’t put me off any longer and feels sorry for me, on average every 6 weeks or so.

The sex itself, to be honest, sucks. I won’t bore you with details, but it seems like she wants to make sure it’s as unpleasant for me as it apparently is for her.

I’m to the point where I hate to even ask. I’d rather take care of myself…

So I’ve often wondered, why won’t she just give me a hall pass?

Two things I must share about myself. First, I’m not a cheater. I’ve been ruthlessly faithful, even when sorely tempted by willing, attractive, available women in places my wife couldn’t possibly find out about.

Second, I identify as poly, and dabbled with multiple simultaneous relationships, as well as BDSM and swinging, too, with prior girlfriends. I told my wife all about this stuff before we married, because I didn’t want any secrets. She seemed intrigued, even turned on, by my “dark side.”

We went to some kinky parties and a swing club once (I watched her dance with and kiss a girl!), and talked about the possibility of having an open marriage. Ever the pragmatist, she said she was open to the possibilities, but if we had kids, she wouldn’t want to put them at risk. Whatever that means…

Naturally, we had kids shortly thereafter. All talk of anything out of the ordinary came to a screeching halt.

So here I am 11 years later, not getting my needs met.

I mean, she doesn’t want sex at all, but I want it as much as possible, up to 3 to 4 times a week.

Almost everything else about our marriage is tolerable, and if we worked at it, fixable. But I can’t for the life of me figure out a better solution for our sex life.

I’ve done it before, so I know I could handle a secondary, simultaneous relationship. It wouldn’t be “an affair” if everyone know what the deal was. (I wouldn’t want to do it unless everyone was on board.)

Sigh… I mean, really, what’s the big hangup!?

“If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” I swear I would come back every night. I would love my wife SO MUCH MORE if she would just give me a little freedom!

If she asked me for this, I would grant it in a heartbeat! I would say, “PLEASE go fuck that guy’s brains out! Have a ball! Just be home by 11.”

I’d love to know what you and your readers’ opinions are on my situation.

Venice’s response:
The thing about hall passes and “If you love something let it go” is that for some people, love isn’t unconditional. Their love for someone is based upon total devotion: emotionally and physically. This can be misconstrued as an overjealous, immature, and just a non-grown up way to deal with an adult relationship. Saying you’d gladly allow her to fuck another man as long as she comes home to you sounds like something you may not have fully thought out. I would go crazy if I allowed my spouse go fuck some random woman and my mind wouldn’t stop wondering: did you cum in her, how did you fuck her, did you hold her afterwards in bed, how many times did you cum, did she lick your balls or ass, did she swallow…the interrogation wouldn’t stop, especially if neither of you put any of kind of thought into what it can do your marriage. Once either of you cross that line without any type of discussion beforehand about boundaries, it can only drive you apart.

Don’t be disappointed because the woman you married is still there – the one who went to kinky parties and swing clubs with you, the one who kissed a girl, the one who discussed the possibility of an open marriage – and she’s waiting to be talked to. It seems that she decided to go the tame, monogamous life who puts her family first. And of course, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Maybe she doesn’t think it’s right to have those same thoughts and emotions now that she is a mother. I can tell you that it’s very possible to balance between the person she was then and the person she is now. She may need to see others who can do it successfully, to be around older, married couples who’ve been in your shoes, and to research other relationships who took the right steps (i.e. discussed their needs, limitations, promises to each other, and relationship goals before saying “We should trying fucking other people”).

Ryan’s response:
Talk with your wife and see if she is still interested in an open relationship.  If you are asking us our opinions on whether or not your wife should allow you to have a second relationship or an open marriage, that’s really something we have no say in.  Our opinion on what your wife should or shouldn’t do is absolutely irrelevant, because there really is no right or wrong in this situation.   Unless of course it’s a religious conversation or someone on a moral pedestal claiming their way is the only right way (and a lot of times, these moral police are hypocrites).  If she feels sleeping with other people is wrong and isn’t interested in an open relationship, that’s just something you have to deal with.  You can’t force her to be okay with you guys sleeping with other people.  She could be single and still have no interest in dating or being intimate with guys, so maybe her libido has just turned off.  Maybe not.  What’s important is, both of you should communicate and see what you would or wouldn’t be open to. If she decides it’s something she just doesn’t want to do, then you will just have to accept it.  No relationship guru or sex police will have any ground to stand on if they were to suggest that she is close minded and wrong.  She is normal, and most women would never be okay with their husbands having sex with other women.  And by most, I mean over 90%.

The number of adults with open relationships — be they formal marriages or more informal arrangements — is small. Probably about 4% to 9% of U.S. adults have some sort of open arrangement, estimates Franklin Veaux, 41, an Atlanta-based computer programmer and web site developer who also runs a polyamory web site.

Others, including Steve Brody, PhD, a psychologist based in Cambria, Calif., put the number much lower. “It’s got to be less than 1%,” he says. He has counseled thousands of couples in the past 30 years and has encountered very few instances of open relationships among his patients. – Article published on Webmd.com (The Truth About Open Marriage)

What’s really interesting is, studies show that 30-60% of partners will at some point cheat on their spouse while married.   So, there are a lot of hypocrites out there that decide an open relationship isn’t right, but still end up cheating.  I’m glad you’ve been ruthlessly faithful, as loyalty is the key to a successful open relationship.  I feel this is the reason why Venice was comfortable bringing other women into our bedroom.  I may not be the greatest guy in the world, but she knew I would never cheat or do anything behind her back that would hurt our marriage/friendship.

Let me tell you a story about Venice and I when we first met.  We probably had sex 6 times a day.  She was okay with anal and would even finger herself anally while I would watch or while we had sex (we were very young and at the time I had no idea women would do that type of thing), she loved swallowing me and taking cum shots to the face, and seemed to enjoy anything our dirty minds could come up with. We were happy.  After a year, our sex slowed down to every other day, she really didn’t like anal and literally resented me for still wanting it. If I came in her mouth she would wait for me to ask for her to swallow, rather than just swallowing (I felt as though she preferred to hear me say, “You can spit it out if you want”).  If I came on her face she would not really look at me and as soon as I was finished she would get up, rush to the bathroom, and wash off her face.  It made me feel gross.  Whether it was some sort of mental standoff where she no longer felt I deserved those moments, or she knew acting that way would make me feel guilty, and for whatever reason, doing anything extra, deserved the guilty treatment. However, I still loved her and didn’t use the things she used to love against her.  I resented her a little bit, as it almost felt like I was tricked (I think this is how you feel about her interested in an open relationship or swinging at first).  The truth is, when you first fall in love you are both high as a kite.  The emotions felt when falling in love releases endorphins which makes everything seems perfect.  Your decision making isn’t the same as it would normally be, because you are high.  Anal seems amazing (falling in love can even make everything enjoyable, rather than painful — endorphins), sex seems better, and the conversations seem to be deep and fulfilling.  If you need a good example of this, go smoke some weed and hang out with a few stoners for the night.  While you are high, you will think everything you guys talked about was brilliant. The next day you will realize you really didn’t say much of anything and what you did talk about doesn’t seem that interesting sober.  This is what happens as you slowly fall out of love.  Venice and I didn’t fall out of love, but we lost the endorphin rush you get while falling in love.  All the sudden, anal didn’t feel so good to her, cum was kind of gross because she no longer got the kinky/sex thrill rush from having cum all over her, and me doing anything she felt wasn’t what other wives did normally (porn star acts) was all the sudden disrespectful.  I feel, it was her reverting back to her young mind and how she viewed sex before she fell in love. The need to impress me wasn’t there, the feelings of new love was stale.  It sounds dumb, but it happens.  Now as a man, why didn’t I lose the rush?  Why did I still want to anal?  Why did I still want sex 6 times a day? Why did I still want to watch her swallow me without asking her?  Why did I want to pull out and paint her face with my sperm while she looked up at me and smiled? Because I do not have to be high to want to do any of that.  Falling in love didn’t make me a pervert, I was a pervert the day I came out of my mother’s womb with my little baby penis probably erect from feeling air for the first time.

Endorphins (“endogenous morphine”) are endogenous opioid inhibitory neuropeptides. They are produced by the central nervous system and pituitary gland. The term implies a pharmacological activity (analogous to the activity of the corticosteroid category of biochemicals) as opposed to a specific chemical formulation.

However, I did change, very much so.  The endorphins made me love hearing her every thought. The endorphins made me want to open the door for her and study her photos every time she wasn’t around.  The endorphins made me extremely polite and totally attentive.  The endorphins kept me off gaming consoles.   Men also change, we just change in a different area than women.  And yes, Venice resented how much I changed.  She resented that I used to be attentive, but now would only give her attention when I wanted sex.  So yea, when I wanted anal or I wanted to cum on her face, not only was her high gone, but she also wasn’t really that happy to have me standing over her shooting my cum on her like she was some worthless porn star.

Now ask yourself, are you the exact same guy you were when you and your wife were falling in love?  Doubtful.

Marriage is hard, keeping up with the first year of your marriage is almost impossible.  Thankfully, Venice and I came to a point in our relationship where we had to decide to be friends and parents together, or to be best friends and parents, while also being lovers and finding happiness again.  The key was intimacy and our circle.  In fact, it became a necessity for happiness.  Cum wasn’t gross, anal wasn’t bad, and having sex as many times as you possible was still fun.  Attitude, age, maturity, and giving each other more attention helped reroute our relationship.  I learned that paying attention to Venice again, like I did in the first year, helped spark her interest in me.  With that, and her new sexual maturity, she turned into a whole new woman.  I’ll never know exactly what to contribute it to, but I know it was her decision, not mine.  Nothing I said or did could make her actually want me happy, want me not guilty, and want me completely satisfied.  This changed happened to her.

With all that said, I understand the resentment you seem to feel for her original interest in swinging or an open relationship.  Talk to her and find out what she feels.  Ask yourself if you make her feel special, you take her out on dates, you give her a reason to want to be intimate with you.  Do you still make her feel like this beautiful goddess like you did when you first met?

Communicate and question the things that have changed in you over the years.  Your sexual behavior and kinks may be the same, but those things were not under the influence of endorphins like maybe your wife was when she was falling in love.  If you can recapture that feeling, maybe your wife will be open to other things.  Maybe not.  If not, you will have to live with that, unless you decide to exit the relationship…as the bad guy, because you’ll never be “right” when suggesting the idea of opening your relationship.