Q&A – Love Her, Love Her Not. Sexually Incompatible

Hi Venice and Ryan,

I’d like to ask your advice. I’m currently living with this girl I met in college. We’ve been together a while and we get along really well. Because of work, I will need to move away in a few months. Our locations leave me two options: marry her or break up.

Now I would probably marry her, except the sex is not great. It’s good, but she doesn’t like anal. She couldn’t continue during the few times we tried. She also can’t deepthroat and isn’t great at blowjobs. And I haven’t even mentioned ass to mouth. Those things are really important to me and I can’t stand the thought of never engaging in them again.

Would I be making a bad choice to pass up a good relationship like I currently have? If I did, and I never met anyone else, I’d kick myself for giving up what I had. But if I marry her, I’d probably hate myself for signing up for a lifetime of being sexually incompatible.

Any advice? Thanks, and good luck on your awesome sexual adventures.

Venice’s response:
If your love for her can see past her sexual shortcomings, then hold on to her.  Kinky sex is not a driving force in a relationship.

Okay, now that I got that out of the way…

Kinky sex may not be a driving force in a relationship, specifically one where the people in the relationship don’t want to hurt the other’s feelings or want to communicate to each other for fear of being left, cheated on, etc., but many times it will take a back seat in a marriage. If it gets to that point, you’ll kick yourself because you know that you chose to be with someone who wasn’t perfect (for you). It’s important to work out these differences BEFORE you marry someone. In your case, it’s like waiting to get married to consummate the relationship. Yes, you can always say, “I love her for the person she is, not so I can have kinky sex anytime I want,” (which is a silly excuse, in my opinion), but if you think about it, we ALL marry someone for the person they are. I married Ryan because he has proven his loyalty to me, he loves the things about me that I consider flaws, and he’s got a fat penis. Those were all important things to me while we were just dating and they’re still important to me. I didn’t marry him after he cheated on me or after he’d said, “I love you, but could you please lose 10 pounds?” or because he has more than a micropenis.

My point is, get everything out of your system BEFORE you jump into a committed relationship with her (marriage), because not only is it harder to change a person after the fact, you’ll look like a douche for wanting her to be a “different person” from who she used to be. Talk to her and let her know what you want in a sexually-pleasing partner. Leave it up to her to want to change. She’ll up her sexual stock, plus she’ll get to keep you – it’s a win-win situation for everybody. “Those things are really important to me and I can’t stand the thought of never engaging in them again.” <– These are your words and your girlfriend needs to know this. I promise you – your love for her won’t keep you from watching porn to get your fix, realistically speaking. It may keep you from going to Craigslist or cheating on her with an ex or a one-night stand bar chick because it may not be in your personality to be a Josh Duggar repressed sex addict. But I’d be surprised if once the I-dos are said,  you 100% abstained from everything your girlfriend is NOT into.

Kinky sex or sex in general is certainly NOT everything in a relationship or a marriage, but don’t underestimate its power. When I start Ryan off with our Circle in the morning, he texts me all day, talks about a new recipe he wants to try for me, reminds me how beautiful I am…and that’s just during work hours. On the weekends, he’ll take me out for a nice lunch/dinner, play video games, clothes shopping…whatever I feel like doing. All because of the intimate time we spend – morning blowjobs, waking him up by rubbing my pussy over his sleep apnea mask, or even a simple penis head penetration of my ass. I’ve figured out how to keep Ryan wrapped around my finger, and he’s fully aware of it, which is even better. I’m not trying to trick him. A little coercive of me? Maybe. But a fully functional relationship is a symbiotic one, one where we keep each other happy by putting in the effort to make us work.

If you decide to break up with her after you’ve conveyed your feelings and needs with her, then you can say that you at least tried. You will find someone who will make you happy in bed by doing all the above-mentioned, and when you do, you won’t regret not staying with your college girlfriend. Be proactive with your total and complete happiness, don’t just hope for it.

Ryan’s response:
Good question.  Sexual compatibility is important, and if you are going to spend a lifetime with someone, you better make sure you are sexually compatible.   I’ve read way too many horror stories about men in sexless marriages, or marriages where a vanilla sex life is like no sex at all for them.  They are in limbo and have accepted the idea of being sexually frustrated forever.  Married to a prude best friend that doesn’t scratch their primal itch.  Complacency.

If this is an all or nothing type deal, the answer is extremely easy. Let her know how you feel and explain to her that she may be the woman of your dreams, except you are unsure about your sexual compatibility.

If you are embarrassed to talk about anal, deepthroating, or ass to mouth, then why let those things represent who you are sexually? Does it embarrass you to be seen as the man in her life, that has to have anal, ass to mouth, or a woman that deepthroats him to be happy?  It doesn’t embarrass me.  I am extremely open about the things I do and want sexually, so for me communication about what most people consider kinky is easy.  I tell my more “vanilla” friends not to ask me questions if they really do not want the answer.  I don’t like the idea of skeletons or hiding my kinks.  And the best way to do this?  Always be honest with yourself, and if asked anything, just be honest and let the chips fall where they may. I have no guilt or embarrassment about asking Venice about anal or other things such as urine play. If I was embarrassed talking about it, I wouldn’t let those type of kinks represent who I was sexually.   This concept will help you identify with who you are and establish compatibility with your partners in the future.  If being open isn’t a problem, let’s move on.

Talk with her, find out if she is selfless (a good lover is always selfless — and compatibility with selflessness, is someone who is selfish — you), find out if she is willing to learn or try new things, find out if she is willing to be embarrassed in bed, because learning to deepthroat can be extremely humbling for the woman.  I watched Venice’s eyes water, watched her gag, listened to her say after about 10 minutes of being totally vulnerable “I can’t it, it’s too hard to do.  I’ll try again tomorrow.”   Trust me, Venice didn’t want to say that, and she especially doesn’t like to try things and not be able to do them.  If I was in her shoes, I’d be humiliated and humbled.   She ignored all her instincts to stop trying, took deepthroating as a challenge, and for a month trained her gag reflex.  For me, this was probably the weirdest/most flattering experience in my life.  I just had to be erect and in the room.  Otherwise, watching a woman struggling with your body like it’s some sort of game or tool, trying to swallow a sword to impress you, is just a unique experience.  I remember how I felt when she finally did it, and it was NOT sexual at all.  It was almost like I wanted to cheer her own and high five her.   Ask yourself if this girl has that?   If you want to find out, the only way I can think is be open and talk about it with her.

Maybe when she realizes that you need certain things sexually, she will break up with you?   I mean, although you are not wrong for what you want sexually, she wouldn’t be wrong to leave you if she found out that analing, deepthroating, and ass to mouth is something you want someone to marry you to enjoy.  She may be repulsed and decide she isn’t compatible with you.  That’s the real question here.  Would you want to live your life with a woman that if she knew who you really were, she’d be repulsed?

For the record, please do not be offended by me calling you selfish for needing anal, ass to mouth, or a woman that deepthroats as a wife.  I am selfish.  I didn’t need those things specifically, I just needed a woman who would be down for anything.  A woman who won’t let me get old without satisfying my primitive urges.  Venice is the most selfless (by far she is the better lover) person I know, which is why we are so compatible.