Q&A: I had a threesome with my boyfriend and his friend and now he’s devastated that I enjoyed myself.

Q&A: I had a threesome with my boyfriend and his friend and now he’s devastated that I enjoyed myself.

I am 24 and my boyfriend is 25.  We have been together for 3 years. We have explored plenty in our sex life, including FMF threesomes which were fun. In the past I was really curious about giving MFM a try but he wasn’t comfortable with that so we didn’t discuss it further.

A few months ago he asked me if I’d be interested in a 3some with his longtime friend. For some context, they always had this weird competitive/friendly rivalry thing going on. My boyfriend straight up admitted that he wanted to prove to his friend that he fucks better. I thought that was a questionable reason to agree to a 3some but he REALLY wanted to do this. He’s the most confident guy I know and I genuinely thought he knew what he was doing.

Fast forward to the 3some. It was by far the best sexual experience I’ve ever had. I was pretty much spoiled from start to finish and my boyfriend was clearly enjoying it too. His friend is physically attractive so that definitely added to the sexual chemistry. At one point he also ate me out and I came a lot (I’ve never orgasmed from receiving oral, I don’t think I ever would). I found the dirty talk super hot as well (he was dominant despite the submissive act) and it turned me on a lot.

At no point were discussed boundaries ever crossed.

The following day my boyfriend seemed to be in complete shock. He didn’t talk to me much and when he did, he made no eye contact whatsoever. Afterwards he became withdrawn and depressed. Like he would stay in bed all day and just stare at the wall or something. Every time I saw him he was literally doing nothing, which is completely out of character.

It’s gotten to the point friends and family asked me what happened to him!

A few days ago I asked him what’s wrong. At first he didn’t want to talk about it but then he confessed that he can’t get over our threesome. He refused to elaborate and just asked me odd questions. If I like his friend, if I think his friend is better in bed etc. I kept saying no to his ridiculous questions but he wasn’t satisfied. He even asked me if I still like him/want to be with him which was just odd.

He’s still morose and I’m worried that this whole thing had a serious impact on our relationship.

So what do I even do in this situation? I don’t understand why he’s so upset when he’s the one who suggested the idea in the first place. Can anyone help explain his thought process?!

Venice’s response to threesome with boyfriends friend

Having threesomes prior to marriage has never been something I supported.   I have always been a strong advocate of opening the door to other people when you are in a committed relationship and you have tried everything under the sun with just the two of you together.  However, some couples may decide to never get married, so I will add that 3 years just isn’t enough time.   There is just too much you can do with one another before adding another person into the mix.  

Let’s move on to the scenario you presented.  It was stupid.  To have a threesome with a guy your boyfriend is competitive with makes no sense at all.   In fact, I’d even suggest that this story sounds totally fabricated.  I say that because a competitive guy isn’t going to allow the friend he is most competitive with to sleep with his girlfriend.  It makes no sense.  The entire idea of being competitive is to have something or do something his friend can’t do.   Unless he was totally over your relationship and this was his exit plan.  I just have a hard time understanding why a competitive guy would want to have a threesome with his friend he is the most competitive with, to show he has sex better.   In the meantime, he is allowing his friend to have his most prized possession?   

Not likely.

If the story is true, stupid on you, stupid on him, and stupid on the friend.  Having threesomes to see who fucks better has to be the silliest shit I have ever heard.  That’s something you do with a hooker, not your girlfriend.

Ryan’s response to threesome with boyfriends friend

So you had a threesome to help your boyfriend prove that he was better at sex than his friend?  And in the process you enjoyed his friend so much that you had a first-time orgasm through oral sex with the friend?    

This is the classic, “be careful of what you wish for” scenario.   Most of the time these scenarios are created as a way to get attention or create some sort of lesson for guys that want a threesome.  Imagine allowing your friend to fuck  your girlfriend so you can show him who fucks better.  Dumb and dumber.

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Q&A: Wife went from okay with aggression, to wanting romantic, to admitting she wants aggressive. Why?

Q&A: Wife went from okay with aggression, to wanting romantic, to admitting she wants aggressive. Why?

BACKGROUND — Been married 4 years together 6 years. I (43m) prefer to be dominant in bed and like some good kink; and I like oral sex, both giving and receiving. I’m very respectful of people’s boundaries, and noticed at the beginning of our relationship that my wife didn’t respond positively to just a hint of me being more kinky dominant. She (39f) seemed uncomfortable but went with it. We talked about it and she said she likes when I go slow and gentle and “make sweet love”. When I did this, she said she had her first vaginal orgasm during intercourse. And so that became our style. And honestly I got bored with it and would occasionally bring up the more kinky dominant style I like. And she would always say she likes when I go slow and gentle. And she would freeze up if I tried differently.

And here is another kicker. Even though I constantly went down on her, she would never go down on me unless I asked or told her to, and then she just seemed bothered. She said she just doesn’t like giving blowjobs because of gag reflexes and jaw fatigue. I rarely pushed this issue except for when I felt the relationship out of balance with the giving-taking.

And she would always use text book terms in bed: breasts, penis, vagina, being lubricated, etc. I would try to spice things up and say “cock” or “do you have any idea how wet your pussy is right now”? But she would be quiet. I honestly thought she was a prude.

CURRENT ISSUE — Fast forward to last week during a road trip together and I stumbled onto some old emails (6-12 years old) of hers. She had been emailing guys before we met and sending them pictures of her in submissive lingerie and talking dirty to them and saying how much she likes going down on a guy, especially waking him up with a blowjob.

At first I was really turned on reading these emails but then I obviously got pissed when having to deal with why she’s lied to me about this stuff and not done any of it with me.

I confronted her about it, and she said basically she doesn’t know why she’s different with me but there was just something special and different about me and she started crying so hard saying she’ll do anything to keep me and she’ll start doing those things if that’s what I want. I kept asking why the switch and lies, wanting to know if she’s just not attracted to me enough to be like that. Eventually I got it out of her that she likes to be bossed around in bed and didn’t want to ask for it because it wouldn’t be the same.

This makes no sense to me because she specifically told me she wants me to go slow and gentle, and when I did, she would orgasm. And she never liked when I would start getting very dominant and talking dirty.

Another issue I’m struggling with is why she initiated those emails and relationships with guys she didn’t even know but not once did she ever do that with me. Most guys stopped replying to her emails.

I’m really annoyed with this because not only was I lied to, but I felt like I gave up my true sexuality for her, but turns out she secretly liked it. And now I feel like she thinks I’m submissive or boring vanilla but I was thinking she was like that, not me.

What exactly was I supposed to do? Just ignore her boundaries and basically rape her?

My wife is such a lover and the sweetest person i know. It really is throwing me for a loop trying to process this and how to move forward with her.

Venice’s response to threesome with boyfriends friend

First of all, “finding old letters she wrote to a previous boyfriend” should have been deleted instantly.  Not read.  That really seems like a huge violation of her personal life, especially since it was things she wrote prior to your relationship.

With that said, at this point, she probably feels like she was caught cheating.  Not because she was, but because you got a glimpse into something personal that you should have never seen.  It exposes how she pretended to be years ago, when she was young and immature.  You do realize 12 years ago she was just a girl and possibly writing things she thought a guy wanted to hear, rather than how she actually felt?!   And now because she feels like she was “caught”, she will do anything, even play dumb and act like she really DOES want aggressive sex now.   Because you read it.   She will pretend she LOVES blow jobs, because you read it.  So what she said at face value, to someone she loves and respected, was not the truth.  Instead, what she wrote to some random loser in her life that she probably is disgusted thinking about, was her real truth???  That’s bull crap.

You should be having a conversation about why you decided to read these letters, which gives you control over her.  She can no longer have preferences, because she said so much to a past lover that you will hold it over her head.

I had something like this happen similar to me, and without a doubt it worked to open my eyes.  My situation was a bit different, as it was some

 

Ryan’s response to threesome with boyfriends friend

Although you shouldn’t have read those letters, this is the type of catalyst that can actually change a woman in your relationship.  It can help remind her what she expected from herself and her man, in her most primal form.  Over the years with life experiences, she probably learned aggressive sex and pretending to love blow jobs (like porn stars) was something she enjoyed.  The newness of sucking dick wasn’t fun.  She didn’t sit around and think about how naughty she would look, or even care to go down and make a fool of herself with saliva all over her face putting on a show.  

You can take this as she got too comfortable or she stopped appreciating you.  Because you wanted that.

 

Other comments that really hit the nail on the head.

There is something deeper here that isn’t about sex per se, the way you describe her she sounds like a “people pleaser” which is often the result of having strict or abusive parents or something similar. I think she really has no idea what she wants ultimately but that’s because of some kind of trauma that is preventing her from being in touch with herself. It’s a very common trauma response, to dissassociate from your feelings and subsequently to also to be a people pleaser. therapy is the only way out of this.

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