So Venice and I were out running errands one night. I was on a mission to find multi-colored Christmas tree lights that blinked and every store I went to had nothing. It seems like the days of beautiful fun amazing awesome cool super galactic best ever awesomely awesome lights are no more. I found a few packs that had lights almost the size of actual light bulbs that fit my description, but not good enough. I really wanted the small lights that have been on every Christmas tree I have ever had, except I wanted them colored with 8 different modes so they could blink or dance at the push of a button. Forget presents, forget delicious food, forget cookies and pies, it isn’t Christmas without these lights. While on this mission I grabbed a drink from the cooler near the register. Little did I know, Venice was thirsty but for whatever reason she didn’t grab her own drink. Usually if she is thirsty I grab a brand we like to share, but on this day, I was extremely dehydrated from the strenuous journeys to the Christmas aisles. I grabbed a drink that I knew would go down easy and replenishes my body with its delicious flavor. This drink is called Mt. Dew, maybe you guys have heard of it? Apparently Venice hates Mt. Dew with all her heart and would rather die of thirst than take a drink of it.
After taking an afternoon nap, my mouth and throat were dry from sinuses. This resulted in me being extra thirsty, taking sips of water throughout the rest of the day because of the pain my parched throat was causing me. It was actually making it worse because the cold water was somehow drying my throat even more. I was down to the last few gulps of my bottled water sitting in the refrigerator between the horseradish mayonnaise and caramel syrup. I was in desperation mode as I began rationing the last few tablespoons.
Later that evening, Ryan asked if I wanted to go with him to buy Christmas lights for the tree. With this being his favorite time of year, I enjoy seeing him in awe as he oohs and aahs over Christmas decorations of all shapes and sizes. So, yea, I went with him. I was a bit grouchy, despite spending a nice quiet afternoon with my man. The thirst was too powerful to overcome!
When we got back to the car to head to another store, Venice mentioned she was thirsty and just wanted to get home. This was the first I had heard her say anything about being thirsty, but as soon as she said it, I looked down at my Mt. Dew and saw the condensation dripping from the outside of the bottle. Oh, I knew it was going to be so cold on my lips and probably burn my throat on the way down. I couldn’t wait.
In a hurry, we jumped out at the next store to check the Christmas aisle. Nothing. I think in my mind I was one store away from finding the exact lights I wanted. Because of that idea, I knew the next store I’d be able to check out at the register and throw Venice a drink on the counter. However, since I was coming up empty handed, instead of waiting in line just for a drink, we would just leave. Finally, after stopping 4 or 5 times, Venice lets me know she is ready to go home. I give up on the mission and agree. We made a last stop at the grocery store and headed home.
We went to several different stores for Christmas lights, but they were all overpriced or didn’t twinkle. We ended up at our last stop: the grocery story. We bought a few gallons of water, and immediately, just from the mere purchasing of water, I could feel my throat feel at ease. On the way home, I remembered that I had a half gallon of water tucked away behind the turkey leftovers. I was ecstatic. I was giddy. All I could think about was putting my mouth around that cold water and letting it coat my throat. Ryan held my hand in the car as he provided all the reasons he liked colored, twinkling lights over the all-blue stationary lights that are currently on our tree. I nodded a few times in agreement to his reasoning and unknowingly agreed to taking down the blue lights. The only thing on my mind at that point was taking a big drink of cold water.
As we are driving home, she again mentions that she can’t wait to get home and get a large glass of ice water. As soon as she said that, I looked down at my unopened Mt. Dew and told myself, a real man wouldn’t drink in front of a thirsty woman. I bit my lip and tried to focus on the road. If it wasn’t for my Mt. Dew actually talking to me, I probably could have made it home. However, I had no idea Mt. Dew’s could actually talk. Seriously. Who knew that these little delicious drinks could sing your name and play the sounds of the ocean or waterfalls gently in your ear? I sure didn’t. But, I couldn’t resist. I reached down and grabbed my Mt. Dew and looked over at Venice and said, “I would be the worst caveman ever and I am sorry.”
I uncapped the drink and let the sound fizz throughout the car. It reminded me of an angel farting. I loved it.
Ryan: I’m sorry Venice, the truth is, I just learned that if we were cave people together I would probably eat the last of the dinosaur meat and let you die of starvation.
Ryan: Oh my God, you are allergic to the sun, you’d be the most unhelpful cave woman ever. (Yes, Venice is actually allergic to the sun and breaks out if she is in the heat for longer than an hour)
Ryan: I can see you now, yelling for me from the cave while I am out trying to kill dinosaurs for us to eat. I panic when I hear you scream and run back to the cave, sweaty, holding my handmade spear, and you say, “Oh my Zeus, there is a beetle over there please kill it for me Unggoff!” Yes, my name would be Unggoff probably.
Venice: Did you really just open your Mt. Dew Ryan? I just said I was so thirsty I just wanted to go home and get something to drink.
Ryan: Please call me Ungoff.
Ryan: Imagine how thirsty I would be if I was out harvesting fruits and vegetables for us for the winter? I’ll be the gatherer, the hunter, and the beetle killer, and you’ll be… just alive.
Venice: Oh paahhhlllllllleaaaaaaaaaaaaase.
Ryan: I’m serious. I’d have to take care of two people instead of one and basically you’d just be in the cave all day.
Venice: I could decorate and draw on the cave walls and stuff Ryan.
Ryan: Please, my name is Unggoff.
Stopping at a stop sign, about a block from our house at this point, I took another sip of my Mt. Dew and leaned over to Venice and reminded her of how important I would be if we were cavemen together. I reminded her that she should be a little bit more sympathetic to the guy that would literally keep her alive in that situation.
I then took another swig and closed my bottle. I laid my hand (probably wet from the condensation of the bottle I just closed) on her lap and whispered that I loved her.
TAGS: caveman, sexy cave woman,