Q&A: I Haven’t Had Sex With My Wife In 7 Years

Hello, my wife and I have been married for 30 years this year. She was 34 and I was 28 when we first got married. When we first met we talked to each other over two hours at a bar (waiting for other friends to show to go to a Sounders game) before I even asked her name. We clicked instantly and spent the week-end together. In six months we were married. She looked like a model, so very beautiful, kind, loving, and smart. She is still beautiful, and I love her soul, at least the part she lets me into.

We are/were hippies, a product of the times and proud of it. I have had image issues in the past due to being born with a cleft-palette (no nose, no roof in my mouth, oversized lower lip, etc.), though this was all corrected beautifully when I was fifteen years old. I was 6′ 2″ when I was in fifth grade but I felt sorry for the kids who made fun of me. Another story for another place.

Background; I figured I’ve slept with about 10+ women, my wife told me that she has slept with 300+ people before me. That has not bothered me as it was all before me, actually kind of impressed and a bit of a turn on. I truly believe in “Make Love – Not War” Not an issue, just background info.

In the beginning, the sex was great, communication was flowing non-stop (on the phone with her for five to six hours at a time). An amazing, whirlwind, of a time. Then as the wedding got closer she got sick. It turned out to be morning sickness. She had stopped taking her birth control pills but failed to let me know this fact. Our son, now grown, was born nine months later. He is one of the finest young men I know and I am so happy that he is here. I was hurt at the time about not being let in on the decision. Sex takes a holiday. We have our daughter and another difficult pregnancy. Sex takes a holiday, understandable. After we get the family settled the sex becomes bit more frequent but less emotional on her part, more mechanical. I tried to make suggestions to spice up our love life but was rebuffed on numerous occasions.

So somehow the thought of a 3-some came up (I really do not remember as it was fifteen years ago). My friend Ron became the third. First time for me. I got too drunk so it became weird, jealousy crept in and spoiled it. This is where, I believe, the inner break happened with my wife. Communication declines, she is doing things without me more often. Then a few months later she suggests another 3-some with Ron. OOOk, I agree, this time no booze for me. It went OK, she said he wasn’t very good but I am sure she was just trying to minimize the enjoyment she had and ally my feelings so I wouldn’t feel bad. I have never seen her cum so much, one after another, total surrender. She told me she was faking the whole time but I know this is not the truth. Over the years I have wondered if they had met for more or are still meeting. Ron just fell off the map after that, and I’ve known him since 7th grade.

Our sex life dwindles after this. I try to be supportive and positive but communication is very basic. The valve has been turned off. I try for a few years, then just give up. She will not initiate, at least with me. I am sorry that this is so long, this is the first time I’ve put this out anywhere. I’m unhappy and I feel like a moron for letting this go on.

In 2004 my wife goes to her friend Sue’s 50th birthday party up North a hundred miles. This is the same friend who she went through a bunch of her guys with. At the time the friend was having an affair with a college professor and that was just fine with her. No worries, no regrets. So I get a call from the friend saying my wife is too drunk to drive home, I ask to speak with her and Sue says she can’t find her. OK. I call back a couple of more times later into the night. They can’t find her and have no idea where she is. The house isn’t that big. Never spoke with her that night. She came back at eight pm the next day, said she was exhausted and went right up to bed. This pattern happened a few more times; disheveled, late in, straight to bed with no contact with me. To this day she gets off work at three pm and gets home between six & seven pm. She has never explained to me what happened or what she’s doing.

In 2007 an old boyfriend, Gary, of hers is going to say with us for a few days while he gets his van up and running for the trip back East. OOOOk. I have met the guy a couple of times before he seemed alright. So the two of them said they were going to the store then drive around and talk and catch up on things as they both have mutual friends. Two and a half hours later they came back. They said they went to the locks and just talked. I knew then, and still know now that they went and had sex. When we sat down in our living room I sat on one couch and Gary sat on the other couch facing me. My wife sat next to Gary, close, very close. She was giggly and cuddly with him right in front of me. And she had the “look”, the unmistakable glow and satisfaction of just having her brains fucked out. I know this look well, but had not seen it since the 3-some event. 

That snapshot is too powerful for me to ever get out of my mind. It felt like they did not care to pretend that anything happened, but that they were going to let the chips fall where they may. I got up and left, never did see any groceries.

He stayed for a few more days and I had to avoid Gary as I did not want it to get physical. Finally she said she sent him away and was sorry he was there so long. We talked about this after he left, she adamantly said that nothing happened. She has never admitted involvement in any of the questionable situations I have seen or been around.

No sex since 2007. About 3 years ago my wife signed up on a couple of online dating sites for older adults. I got pretty pissed verbally. She said that there was nothing going on between us and she wanted to see what was “out there”. After some time (a month) she told me she had stopped looking at the sites. I don’t think I believe her. 

So, as the world turns, my wife says to me last month while we are talking that she thinks that “I’m a wimp, you act like a girl around me. You can’t stand up to me, so how are you going to stand up for yourself”. This one hurts the most. You guys know what I’m saying. Being understanding and kind is wrong? I don’t get it. When I lived overseas there was an undercurrent in the place I was at that if you did not stand up for yourself, whether you understood or not the situation you were in, it was the duty of others to take advantage of you, you deserved to be messed with because you would not confront. I feel like that now. Maybe I am a wimp, loser. Most of women who ever knew me never slept with me. I was always the” Oh, you’re a good and caring guy I wouldn’t want to spoil it with sex” guy. I absolutely hate that. I never was a “ladies man”. Too late now the best is past. 

Two weeks ago my wife and I went for a drive to a small town we both like. We had a really, good, fun, long day. While we were at a restaurant she came up with; “you know it’s your life and if you want to go have new sexual experiences there are plenty of adult hook-up sites on the internet. Do what you have to do”. I must have looked like an idiot for a couple of seconds, mouth open, eh, eh, eh…….. I did not delve into what that was about at the time because of shock. What?! I was thinking; seriously and how are you familiar with “hook-up” sites? She was on “dating” sites before. She won’t talk about it now, just gets annoyed. Does she feel sorry for me? Is she trying to get me to get involved to justify and aleve her guilt? I’m tired, sick & tired. I’ve been working for 47 years straight and I don’t have the strength anymore. 

We have been going to marriage counseling for the past year. I open up more than she does and she gets snippy sometimes with the female counselor. We have been three other times to counselling over our marriage and it has been my wife who has stopped going. It always happens when they start to question her and ask too many sensitive questions of her. She heads for the door. 

Three things I want to say at the end here. I believe these to be more true than not.

1) For women, once desire for a man is lost it very rarely comes back.

2) If there is straying or infidelity, men will break down and confess over guilt. Women will absolutely not confess to anything even when caught. Women are much better at hiding details and covering their tracks.

3) If a woman has lost respect for you as a man it is extremely hard to get it back, if ever. She will not have sex with you she does not want to be touched by you. She can easily deal with you on a day to day basis, even tell everyone truly that you are a good husband, father, and provider. This is really true, she does love you, but not in “that” way anymore.

Thank you for letting tell my story. If you have any opinions or comments feel free to reply. I would welcome anything anyone has to say.

Venice’s response:
Very interesting story.

1) It seems you are using your wife as an example of all women.  Let me say, your wife is not all women, not even close.  The things she seems to have done to you in your relationship are horrible.   Your number 1 should look more like, “Once a shallow horrible person loses interest and desire in her husband, it rarely comes back.”  Why is she shallow and horrible?  Because she seems to have cheated on you multiple times and has left you sexless and without intimacy for 7 years.

2) Same as the above.  A shallow horrible person will never break down and confess. Some of them are very good at hiding and covering their tracks, but only the real professional cheaters.  Your wife seems to be one of them.

3) It seems as though your self esteem has been beaten to a pulp.  I’m sorry this was the person you chose to spend your life with.  I’d suggest getting out while you can.  She may never respect you, but with your battered confidence and low self esteem, that is part of the reason.  Until you man up and demand respect, you are right, you will never be respected again.

My suggestion and advice is to get out of this relationship.  I’d rather be alone than be in the situation you are in.

Open relationships aren’t for every couple.  If I didn’t trust Ryan with all my heart, I would never allow other women in our bedroom.  Although a lot of women say it’s a mistake and  assume Ryan will eventually cheat, I trust him.  I understood when I made my decision to explore my bisexuality with Ryan that this could open boundaries and he may not respect me the same anymore.  He may not respect the marriage or his commitment.  He may feel meeting up with a woman and having sex is totally harmless, because he does it right in front of his wife so what’s the big deal. The big deal is it would ruin our friendship and absolutely destroy me.  The big deal is I enjoy spending time with him, like best friends, and enjoying other women together.  The big deal is I would never trust him or respect him again.  The big deal is, he would lose me forever.  I wouldn’t give him a second chance or try to work it out, I will leave him.  He knows it.   And that’s exactly what you should do.

Good luck.

Ryan’s response:
Bummer.

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