Threesome Memoirs: Table of Contents
With every person that called I quickly learned that I would have a cast of wonderful characters for my blogs. I wasn’t trying to be insincere or judgmental, because my main goal was to find someone I really did click with. Unfortunately, to find that person you click with you have to shuffle through a lot of people that you have absolutely nothing in common with.
Enter Edith the Cat Lover. I met Edith the Cat Lover through a dating website and after a quick email we exhanged numbers to chat. I call her Edith because after seeing her picture, I felt like she resembled Edith Bunker, Archie Bunker’s wife from “All in the Family.” I call her Cat Lover because I’d say she absolutely loved cats.
Edith the Cat Lover was a middle-aged lady who seemed to be all about her schedule. This was a good thing, because dealing with the young and flakey can be a bit annoying. Judging by the way she described her schedule, she made it a point to let me know she would be available to hook up on weekends. It couldn’t get any more convenient than that. She was very eager to talk, so I figured she would be more keen to trying to arrange a meet-up versus someone who thrived off spontaneity (aka Ms. Flakey). I’m not a shallow person, meaning even her looks weren’t like someone young and a bit more spontaneous, I didn’t want to judge her before based solely on what she looked like. I’m more attracted to personalities. In fact, I am only attracted to personalities, which at times, makes Ryan a bit uneasy. After sending her a quick text message asking if I can call and verify her voice, she acknowledged I could call her.
Me: Hi there! Is this Edith?
Edith the Cat Lover: Yes, hi! How are you?
Me: I’m doing well. It sounds like you’re in a car. Are you driving?
Edith the Cat Lover: Yes, I am. I drive a lot, mostly on weekdays, due to my job. So weekends are pretty much open for me.
She has me on speakerphone, so she sounds like she’s yelling at me. I already feel uneasy.
Me: Well, thanks for taking my call. (Satisfied) You’re definitely a woman.
Edith the Cat Lover: No problem! Trust me, I totally get why you need to verify. You can never tell who you end up talking to.
Me: Yea, I just want to know who I am really talking to. For some reason, a lot of responses I get seem to be from men.
Edith the Cat Lover: Oh, honey, I know…believe me. I’ve had enough of men. They will do anything for pussy.
This made me a bit uncomfortable, so I nodded but I didn’t realize she couldn’t see me nod while on the phone.
Me: …
Edith the Cat Lover: I actually started hooking up with women a few years ago. I got soooo tired of my husband in bed so I decided to try women. I have to say that was probably THE best decision of my life.
Me: Really?
Edith the Cat Lover: Absolutely. I found that women can touch me in a way that he never can.
Me: I’ve heard women DO have a special touch.
I imagined all the lesbian porn I’d ever seen where the two women moved in slow motion, caressing each other, kissing for a few minutes, before slowly taking off their clothes.
Edith the Cat Lover: I just love the way they feel – their breasts, their fingers, their skin. I love everything about women. They just drive me wild. And sweetie, men can’t do what women do.
Me: Yea,that’s something I can’t wait to experience.
Edith the Cat Lover: And I’d like to be the one to show you…!
Me: Tell me this, what exactly are you looking for? What do you want?
Edith the Cat Lover: I need a woman, who knows how to touch me. It’s to the point where my husband disgusts me. I mean I love him, I just don’t want him to touch me you know?
Edith the Cat Lover: If you wanted, we could meet this weekend even. I am okay with meeting at a hotel or maybe a public place? The last girl I met was in a parking lot! She fisted the hell out of me. I felt it for weeks.
Edith the Cat Lover: Does your husband really have to be around? I find it very uncomfortable for a first timer to have to be there with her husband. For a first time, he should just throw you in a room and let a woman do what she wants to do with you. That is an experience you will never forget.
Me: Well, so, I guess doing our nails together or anything like that is out of the question?
Edith the Cat Lover: Girl, hell no, I’m going to nail you to the headboard and stick my face inside your baby hole!
Me: Huh?
Edith the Cat Lover: That’s a joke girl. I’m just a bit worked up thinking of you being a first timer and all.
Edith the Cat Lover: I’d like to squat down real fast and suck air up my vagina, then pull your face into my crotch and blow you a pussy kiss!
Me: Um, hmmm. I’m not so sure about that.
Edith the Cat Lover: Don’t worry, we can go at your pace. No pressure here sweetie, I just want to be open and honest with you.
Me: Listen, I appreciate the honesty but I do have to go. I’ve verified you as real so go ahead and text me if you have any questions.
After I hung up with her, I felt like my ears had been molested and that I needed a rape kit for my ear drums. Suffice it to say, Edith the Cat Lover is the reason why I decided there is a huge difference between what I want and what other women want. I am not a man hating lesbian that wants to prove to the world that women do it better, I just want to enjoy a woman’s soft touch. In a perfect world, I’d love to enjoy a woman’s soft touch with my husband’s perfect touch, together. In my world, which is far from perfect, I won’t make it less perfect accepting anything less. How can I ever enjoy being with someone who talked so much shit about her husband? I mean, according to her, her husband’s penis was the size of a corn kernel. If she was that judgmental about the man she supposedly loved, what would she say about me?
And so the search continues…
As we understand it, swinging is one couple having sexual relations with another couple. However, there are grey areas here as some single men are also in the swing lifestyle. Although I’d disagree with this, I’d consider a single man in the “get ass any way I possibly can lifestyle.” If he isn’t sharing or letting someone explore his intimate other, he isn’t swinging. I’ve heard some couples compare the single man in the swinging lifestyle to a parasite. But other than that, the crowd is usually open-minded, as you would have to be to accept other couples into your bedroom. Either way, there are different types of swinging, like there are different types of porn. You have your hard swingers and your soft swingers. Hard swinging is swapping partners, either same or different room. Full intercourse, oral, anal, whatever. Each partner swaps and they enjoy themselves however they like, or however they have set up their own personal boundaries with their partners. Soft swinging is not quite as hardcore, but it is how most swingers start out. Same room sex but you remain with your own partner. There may be some touching of other partners, female on female if the ladies are bi, and possibly oral, but that is a grey area. I’d feel oral crosses over into the hard swinging, but what if it’s just a man eating you out while your partner has sex with you. That isn’t quite like watching your husband watching you suck off another man in front of him. With the different types of oral, different boundaries, oral would still be considered soft swinging by most couples.