By no means are we the official source for threesomes and all it’s rules, so please, do not take this article the wrong way. We dictated our conversation to be funny, more than anything else. Some of these DOs and DON’Ts may be for the couple, the others may be for the third partner preparing to hop in bed with the couple. We may add things later. Either way, enjoy:
Venice: Okay Ryan, so do you want to start?
Ryan: Oh, I don’t have much to say…
Venice: …
Ryan: What?
Venice: Okay Ryan, so do you want to start?
Ryan: Well, I’m a bit too passive for this type of…
Venice: Stop, shutup, stop, shutup, stop.
Ryan: …
Venice: Okay Ryan, so do you want to start?
Ryan: Ladies, please wash your vaginas. Why I have to even say this is beyond me, but trust me, this has to be said. I do not care if your ex-boyfriends never complained or thought you smelled great after a long day of work and a nightly jog, I don’t. I’m not yo….
Venice: … I don’t either.
Ryan: We’re not your boyfriend. Think of your threesome as Prom Night okay? Prepare. In fact, take a long bath with Epsom salts and seriously, do a few bathtub angels…
Venice: Oh my god Ryan? Bathtub angels? Are you making things up on the spot right now?
Ryan: Listen, think of laying in the bathtub like you would lay in the snow. Now, make mini snow angels in your bathtub. I’m not so much concerned about your arms here as I am about your thighs and legs. Open, close, open, close.
Venice: Get a nice little vortex of water swishing around there ladies.
Ryan: Yes, I want you to imagine that two little ants are riding a river raft around your crotch area on the surface of your bath water…
Venice: Think about Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn here ladies…
Ryan: Yes, just imagine a little wood raft and two little ants riding around your bath water. Your legs should be opening and closing enough to turn that calm water into the rapids. Create enough chaos to knock those little ants off the raft.
Venice: We need to create a lot of water movement here in this area
<Venice hand gestures and circles around her vagina area.>
Ryan: Don’t worry about those imaginary ants drowning, they will be fine. Just concentrate on your bathtub angels.
Venice: You should look like you are doing horizontal jumping jacks underneath the water.
Ryan: Exactly. Think horizontal jumping jacks in a bathtub filled with Epsom salt.
Venice: To be fair though, I’d like to see the men also do some bathtub angels themselves. Don’t be bashful fellas, get your legs moving and let the water flow between your balls.
Ryan: Okay, I can see that. Men, you know, your balls aren’t potpourri puffs. A few mini bathtub angels for everyone involved in the threesome, is an absolute DO on our list. Okay?
Venice: Got it.
Ryan: Wait, wait, was that offensive though? I don’t really want to…
Venice: Just stop now, before you backpedal your way into something that actually is offensive.
Ryan: I’m just saying, a few bathtub angels a day… keeps the douche bag away.
Venice: Please stop.
Ryan: …
Venice: So I guess my role with this article will be to keep things flowing smoothly. I’m afraid Ryan would talk about these bathtub angels all article so I will try to keep him focused and the blog moving. After we are done, I will put together a list…
Ryan: …are you done Ryan Seacrest?
Venice: You’re so annoying it’s cute. Okay, so what else?
Ryan: Listen ladies, and yes this is directed at the ladies. First, I’m sorry I targeted your vaginas as my first issue with a threesome. I just feel like maybe you get a little too comfortable and think every man loves your vagina the same. So the bathtub angels seriously can change your life…
Venice: Enough already with the fucking bathtub angels…
Ryan: …
Venice: Anything else?
Ryan: Did you really have to call them fucking bathtub angels?
Venice: Anything else?
Ryan: Yes, I do have more to talk about Venice Seacrest. I didn’t realize I was under time limitations here.
Venice: Tick tock.
Ryan: Like I said, ladies, I am focusing on you because I don’t sit here and fantasize about men during a threesome. Sorry, that’s just not my thing. My do’s and don’t’s are for the ladies.
Venice: Okay, thanks for clearing that up Ryan. Let’s just only offend the ladies, when that’s all were looking for. Great.
Ryan: Anyway, for the last few years I have been teased by Venice, whether it be a few videos or photos, of two women sharing a cock.
Venice: Yesssss.
Ryan: It’s a simple image but this is something that has been so built up in my head for years now. If I am engaged in a threesome and I hear my wife talking to another woman, “Yea hold his cock while I suck it,” I want to look down and see the greatest image imaginable.
Venice: Yea, that’s a hot visual for sure.
Ryan: If I look down and it looks like a mechanic’s hands, you know, black grease under your fingernails like you have been out in a body shop all day or you have been eating Oreo cookies wrong, I couldn’t be turned off more. You just turned my biggest fantasy into a visual oil change. For the love of God, clean or clip your nails, paint them, do something sexy so the man can look down and enjoy the moment.
Venice: Ugh, this absolutely goes for men too. I don’t want to ever see Ryan’s dirty fingernails while he is rubbing me down. Most of these rules are across the board here. The last thing we want, as women, is our man’s nails dirty. We know you work, we know you bust your asses for us, but don’t quit busting your ass when you hit the time clock. Come home and bust your ass washing underneath your nails.
Ryan: Good point. Like I said, I cannot stress this enough, Prom Night. This should be a big moment for everyone involved. Preparation is a must. If you are that comfortable having a threesome that you go out without your nails done, without your vagina washed, and you’re wearing some old cotton panties, then you seriously need to look at your life and make some changes. I’m not trying to be judgmental, but seriously, you shouldn’t be THAT comfortable having a threesome.
Venice: So you’re saying that a woman should also buy some nice lingerie?
Ryan: Absolutely. Maybe even something she has never worn before. Make your moments special. I mean, I hated the first day of school but I always loved wearing my new shoes and outfits. It at least made the day special. The threesome may suck, but not because you didn’t feel sexy. If you feel and look sexy, you’ll be sexy. Plus, I don’t really want a strange woman sitting on my face with a pair of lingerie she decided she didn’t have to wash, because she only wore them one other time for 15 minutes, when she sat on her ex-boyfriends face prior to him taking them off.
Venice: Oh God Ryan, you are too much. So basically, we lost our last reader with that visual.
Ryan: People really read our stuff? Cool. I thought we were saving these blogs for our grandkids one day. Listen little Suzy, you’ve been a great grandchild, but change your panties. Okay?
Venice: …
Ryan: …
Venice: …
Ryan: What? I’m just saying, new lingerie is good.
Venice: No, you weren’t just saying that. None the less, I agree, I want to have a new bra, new panties, and even a new shirt or something when I meet with a woman I am interested in. I want to be totally shaved, bathed, and even put lotions on my tummy and inner thighs to make sure not just my vagina is ready, but no matter which path she takes, she enjoys her trip.
Ryan: Lotions ladies. This is a good thing. This one, may not be an across the board though. Venice gets upset when I put cocoa butter on my penis or bal…
Venice: …because I don’t want you to smell like cocoa butter. I love you shaved, I love a well groomed man, for sure. What I don’t love, is going down on my man and he smells better than me. No. There are some things I want natural. I want to suck your dick and rub on your balls, and imagine this is what it would be like if I was sucking Tarzan’s dick. I don’t want lotion, cologne, or any other smell interfering with my experience. I know, it sounds dumb, but some things are just better natural.
Ryan: I like cocoa butter though…
Venice: Well, sorry, I don’t want to lick your balls and accidently bite into them because they remind me of my favorite Christmas cookie Ryan.
Ryan: Yea, we don’t want that.
Venice: I bet you don’t.
Ryan: …
Ryan: So, as she was saying, ladies, lotion is a good thing. Men, not so much.
Venice: No offense, but when I go down on a lady, I do not want to smell Ms. Tarzan. My entire attraction to women is knowing they take care of themselves the same way I do. I want to smell lotions, I want to see her sexy nails, I want to pull off her sexy lingerie, and I definitely want to lick her whole body and feel like I just walked down the aisles of Bath and Body Works.
Ryan: So sexy.
Venice: Thank you. Anything else you have to add to the Dos and Don’ts?
Ryan: Yup, are you ready?
Venice: Oh no.
Ryan: Ladies, seriously. If you are planning to spend the night with a couple, or the lady in the couple is planning on hooking up with a third, do not let a man ejaculate in your vagina the night before.
Venice: Oh my…
Ryan: No, no, don’t cut me off here because this one is probably the reason why I mentioned the bathtub angels to begin with.
Venice: Go on.
Ryan: I would never want another woman to go down on my wife and have to deal with day my old cum residue because I couldn’t control myself the night before. I mean seriously, who wants this?
Venice: I know I don’t.
Ryan: I will be totally honest, the morning of a possible threesome, even before our last shower, I will ask Venice is she wants me to “clean her out.”
Venice: It sounds worse than it really is.
Ryan: Basically I will “clean her pipes” for about 5 minutes, not to orgasm, not to have sex, but to really clean her out so she is prepared for our experience.
Venice: This keeps my body totally fresh, and it also gets my new juices flowing so the woman who joins us can really enjoy me.
Ryan: That’s what I am saying.
Venice: Okay, so I think I got it. Ladies, try not to get creampied the night before you have a threesome. I promise you, the next day, the other two will not enjoy you. I don’t care what type of magic spoon you think you have that can dip inside your body and get all of the old creampie out, your spoon sucks.
Ryan: Ha!
Venice: I’m serious
Ryan: The only time I ever smell anything unusual with you is after I orgasm inside you the night before . Most people do not talk about this, but, a lot of times the woman’s odor is less because of herself, and more because of the two body fluids mixing together and the body cleaning itself out the next day. Our bodies aren’t magic and sperm doesn’t just vanish into thin air inside of vaginas.
Venice: And for the record, I always clean up afterwards. Anything else?
Ryan: Well, do I have to mention all the more common sense things like good hygiene?
Venice: Brush, wash, comb hair, trim, shave…
Ryan: …things you should be doing regardless of a threesome.
Venice: I will add a few of my own.
Ryan: Okay, that sounds good.
Venice: As a couple, never ignore the third person in the room. Could you imagine how awkward that would be for the third person to be there watching the couple make out and totally forget she is there in the first place?
Ryan: Maybe she didn’t follow the rules mentioned above?
Venice: Ha, that’s true.
Ryan: If a couple is interested in a threesome and they accidently leave the third uninvolved, that’s a big sign.
Venice: You’re probably right, but nonetheless, couples, do not be rude. Take care of your guest.
Let’s recap…
DOs
Wash your vagina/balls
Manicure (clean nails, polished, etc.)
Clean sexy lingerie and/or panties
Lotions
Hygiene, hygiene, hygiene
DON’Ts
Creampie the night before
Couples, do not ignore the third person
If you have your own DOs and DON’Ts, please add them in the comment section!
For my entire relationship I have been absolutely mature in everything we have ever done. I am the epitome of maturity. For instance, if Venice were to nicely ask, “Ryan, what time is that television show on tonight?”
One day I came home late from work. This was when Venice and I had our first apartment and neither of us owned a cell phone. I didn’t call or anything, but when I got home I saw Venice’s shoes thrown in random places in the living room. I also noticed that she had a pair of work pants on the floor and a pair of panties on the arm of the couch. Not really understanding what was going on, I walked over to our bedroom door and on the door knob was her bra. I also heard her in the room moaning. I immediately jerked the door open and ran over to the bed. As soon as I grabbed the covers Venice popped up from underneath them and looked back at me surprised and said, “Ryan?!” She then took her hand and made her life sized Kermit the Frog stuffed animal doll appear from underneath the covers as well. She made him turn and look at me, and with her best Kermit the Frog voice, “Ryan?!” Of course at that point she started laughing hysterically.
I will be totally honest with you, I have no idea if this next prospect was a man or woman. For future references, I will just call it, Pat the Squirter.