A Real Couple Blogging About Sex, Life, and Everything In Between +

November 20, 2013

Snapshot Wednesdays – Dedication

Galleries , , 1 Comment

DedicationWe have decided to add erotic photography of us to our blog each Wednesday, now known as Snapshot Wednesday.  These won’t be low quality candids or shots taken from our cell phones, these will be photographs we love from our own little photo shoots.  Hopefully these pictures will come out more like tasteful erotic art rather than amateur pornography.  We will update the gallery each week with a new photo to share with our blog followers.

This week we have named our photo “Dedication.”   This photo was from our first photo shoot, which was around 600 different pictures taken.  Although for us it seems a bit dated, I still feel like it captures a good moment.

What does that feel like for him?  Does it hurt?  Does it spin as it goes down his shaft?  Does it feel weird in your mouth?   When he cums is it like a water mill? 

Dirty-Girl
Mound-Cont-Wm
Lazy Sunday 02 wm
Lazy Sunday 03 wm
Lazy Sunday 05 wm
Lazy Sunday Drip 03 wm
calm-storm.jpg
wall-art-bw-wm
wall-art-contrast-wm
dedication-wm
back-wm
hands on
lust
focus
gazing
curves
cowgirl

[Show as slideshow]
November 19, 2013

Threesome Memoirs: The Young and Flaky

Threesome Memoirs , , , , , , No Comments

Threesome Memoirs: Table of Contents

young and flakyAs you may or may not already know, Ryan and I have been talking about opening up our bedroom and me being with another woman.  Like any strong and open couple, we discussed our fantasies, boundaries, and how we would go about making this a reality.  We took small steps, i.e., not jumping into hard swinging, talking to others who’ve been down the same road as us, and discussing the best ways to go about finding a third, to ensure we didn’t do anything we’d regret later.

Our journey to find a third to join us in the bedroom has been more entertaining then the experience itself could ever be.  Although there is anticipation, let downs, and mini build-ups with each person we talk with, in the end, the time Ryan and I spend together discussing is worth the emotional roller coaster.

We’ve received offers via our blog and a few dating websites and we try to screen each person the best we can, prior to ever talking to them.  And then, AFTER talking to them, we’re forced to be more blunt and straightforward as far as letting people know exactly what we’re looking for.

Location is the key, they must be close.  It seemed that people wanted to be able to “fuck on a whim” and to be ready when the time came. Then there were the more trickier parts: offers from married women and the married women wanting me to have a threesome with her and her husband (which is basically 99% of every offer), single ladies but only lesbian, married but more into sending pictures than actually meeting, and of course, the very small percentage of women actually interested and comfortable with dealing with a couple.

When we first started blogging about losing my girlginity, it generated a lot of interest and even some offers from bi ladies interested in being my first.  I let it be known that even though we wouldn’t technically be adding a third person into our relationship, I still wanted to get to know the woman as a person and not be hit-it-and-quit-it.  We didn’t want to come off as picky, just careful.  Over time we continued receiving propositions, and although we were flattered, we screened each one.  It was a daunting, but fun task because we got to see the range of ladies (married, single, dating, younger, older, etc.) who were looking to experience another woman and/or a married couple.  We were very interested and eager, but there was always something about each of them that just set off a red flag.

A few months ago, I took a huge leap and called a bi woman who agreed to talk to me on the phone. She was one of our first major prospects (first woman I’ve called)  and one who Ryan and I have now  labeled Ms. Flaky.  When I decided to make that call to Ms. Flaky, Ryan and I were sitting outside waiting for our steaks to marinate. This is our relaxed environment. The weather was nice so I made us a few drinks and I was ready to call. My call had two purposes: to verify that she was really a female and not a man pretending to be woman, and to ask more questions that were just too tedious to discuss through texts or e-mail.  She was able to verify all the information, specifically, is it really a female or some pervert pretending to be one. I require this confirmation because I don’t want to talk to guy pretending to be a girl or a girl who’s talking only to please her man (usually people give off a vibe if they’re being coerced into doing something they don’t agree to).

At first, I was nervous calling, but I knew it had to be done, and this would be what they call the first step in a journey of a thousand miles.  Within seconds, I sensed that she was genuine and not someone who had a phone put into her hand by a controlling man saying, “Just talk for a few minutes.”  She was indeed a female, and not only was she a female, a very attractive one.  She seemed to be interested in hooking up with a couple, no boundaries.  She sent me a picture and I thought she was very cute (probably because of her similar mixed heritage, a plus!).  She willingly answered all our questions and was confident in what she wanted. We discussed potential dates to meet, which days would be best for us, etc.

After hanging up, I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. I sent her a photo of myself, which she said she liked. Then she asked what Ryan looked like.  I sent two pictures of him, both of which she approved.  That was one of my main concerns, I want the woman to also be attracted to my man.  Because what would that look like: being accepting of a woman who doesn’t think my man’s looks or personality are acceptable to her.  I want everyone to feel sexy and comfortable.

As time went on, Ms. Flaky would send random morning nude photos and halfway attempt to schedule some sort of meet up.  “Maybe we can meet on Sunday?” Yet when asked what time exactly, she’d tell us she would get back to us after she checked her schedule.  Sunday would come and go, and we’d maybe get a few photos but nothing regarding what time she would like to meet.  Of course I don’t want to seem overly pushy, so I don’t beg for a time, and just play each message by ear.  Over the next few weeks, we continued to text. Between texts, she would disappear for a few days, then out of the blue, I’d get another random picture with her soaping up her nude body in the shower.  Ms. Flaky was young so she knew how to string along a young guy I suppose.  But I, on the other hand, have a husband and family. It maybe took me a few of these sporadic texts to realize she was more into the attention we gave her than us as a couple.  Which is okay.  But as the days went on, I tended to pay less attention to her, as we had a few other possibilities lining up.

I joked with Ryan about getting back into the dating scene because it had been so long, but that’s what it felt like trying to get to know a person, texting, making that first call, and hearing them talk for the first time. It was exhilarating, hopeful, and thrilling all at the same time. I knew that getting through this first call would make it easier for me to meet and talk to other women.  Even if our plans with Ms. Flaky never flourished, we’ve taken this step into a lifestyle as a couple, and are much stronger coming in together than we ever were or ever could ever be.   And it is like dating again or almost being sexually reborn.  First contact, first texts, first calls, first meet ups, first kisses, and first tastes.

I still get random messages and photos from Ms. Flaky, but that prospect has passed.  I will take her cute little photos, but meeting up with her is no longer an option.

November 18, 2013

Threesome Memoirs: The DOs and DON’Ts of A Threesome

Threesome Memoirs , , , 2 Comments

Threesome ArtBy no means are we the official source for threesomes and all it’s rules, so please, do not take this article the wrong way.  We dictated our conversation to be funny, more than anything else.   Some of these DOs and DON’Ts may be for the couple, the others may be for the third partner preparing to hop in bed with the couple.  We may add things later.  Either way, enjoy:

Venice: Okay Ryan, so do you want to start?
Ryan: Oh, I don’t have much to say…
Venice: …
Ryan: What?
Venice: Okay Ryan, so do you want to start?
Ryan: Well, I’m a bit too passive for this type of…
Venice: Stop, shutup, stop, shutup, stop.
Ryan: …
Venice: Okay Ryan, so do you want to start?
Ryan:  Ladies, please wash your vaginas.  Why I have to even say this is beyond me, but trust me, this has to be said.  I do not care if your ex-boyfriends never complained or thought you smelled great after a long day of work and a nightly jog, I don’t.  I’m  not yo….
Venice:  … I don’t either.
Ryan: We’re not your boyfriend.  Think of your threesome as Prom Night okay?  Prepare.  In fact, take a long bath with Epsom salts and seriously, do a few bathtub angels…
Venice: Oh my god Ryan?  Bathtub angels?  Are you making things up on the spot right now?
Ryan:  Listen, think of laying in the bathtub like you would lay in the snow.  Now, make mini snow angels in your bathtub.  I’m not so much concerned about your arms here as I am about your thighs and legs.   Open, close, open, close.
Venice: Get a nice little vortex of water swishing around there ladies.
Ryan: Yes, I want you to imagine that two little ants are riding a river raft around your crotch area on the surface of your bath water…
Venice: Think about Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn here ladies…
Ryan: Yes, just imagine a little wood raft and two little ants riding around your bath water.  Your legs should be opening and closing enough to turn that calm water  into the rapids.  Create enough chaos to knock those little ants off the raft.
Venice: We need to create a lot of water movement here in this area
 <Venice hand gestures and circles around her vagina area.>
Ryan: Don’t worry about those imaginary ants drowning, they will be fine.  Just concentrate on your bathtub angels.
Venice:  You should look like you are  doing horizontal jumping jacks underneath the water.
Ryan:  Exactly.    Think horizontal jumping jacks in a bathtub filled with Epsom salt.
Venice: To be fair though, I’d like to see the men also do some bathtub angels themselves.  Don’t be bashful fellas, get your legs moving and let the water flow between your balls.
Ryan: Okay, I can see that.  Men, you know, your balls aren’t potpourri puffs.  A few mini bathtub angels for everyone involved in the threesome,  is an absolute DO on our list.  Okay?
Venice: Got it.
Ryan: Wait, wait, was that offensive though?  I don’t really want to…
Venice: Just stop now, before you backpedal your way into something that actually is offensive.
Ryan: I’m just saying, a few bathtub angels a day… keeps the douche bag away.
Venice: Please stop.
Ryan: …
Venice: So I guess my role with this article will be to keep things flowing smoothly.  I’m afraid Ryan would talk about these bathtub angels all article so I will try to keep him focused and the blog moving.  After we are done, I will put together a list…
Ryan:  …are you done Ryan Seacrest?
Venice: You’re so annoying it’s cute.  Okay, so what else?
Ryan: Listen ladies, and yes this is directed at the ladies.  First, I’m sorry I targeted your vaginas as my first issue with a threesome.  I just feel like maybe you get a little too comfortable and think every man loves your vagina the same.   So the bathtub angels seriously can change your life…
Venice: Enough already with the fucking bathtub angels…
Ryan: …
Venice:  Anything else?
Ryan: Did you really have to call them fucking bathtub angels?
Venice: Anything else?
Ryan: Yes, I do have more to talk about Venice Seacrest.  I didn’t realize I was under time limitations here.
Venice: Tick tock.
Ryan: Like I said, ladies, I am focusing on you because I don’t sit here and fantasize about men during a threesome.  Sorry, that’s just not my thing.  My do’s and don’t’s are for the ladies.
Venice: Okay, thanks for clearing that up Ryan.  Let’s just only offend the ladies, when that’s all were looking for.  Great.
Ryan: Anyway, for the last few years I have been teased by Venice, whether it be a few videos or photos, of two women sharing a cock.
Venice: Yesssss.
Ryan: It’s a simple image but this is something that has been so built up in my head for years now.  If I am engaged in a threesome and I hear my wife talking to another woman, “Yea hold his cock while I suck it,” I want to look down and see the greatest image imaginable.
Venice: Yea, that’s a hot visual for sure.
Ryan: If I look down and it looks like a mechanic’s hands, you know, black grease under your fingernails like you have been out in a body shop all day or you have been eating Oreo cookies wrong, I couldn’t be turned off more.  You just turned my biggest fantasy into a visual oil change.  For the love of God, clean or clip your nails, paint them, do something sexy so the man can look down and enjoy the moment.
Venice: Ugh, this absolutely goes for men too.  I don’t want to ever see Ryan’s dirty fingernails while he is rubbing me down.  Most of these rules are across the board here.  The last thing we want, as women, is our man’s nails dirty.  We know you work, we know you bust your asses for us, but don’t quit busting your ass when you hit the time clock. Come home and bust your ass washing underneath your nails.
Ryan: Good point.  Like I said, I cannot stress this enough, Prom Night.  This should be a big moment for everyone involved.  Preparation is a must.   If you are that comfortable having a threesome that you go out without your nails done, without your vagina washed, and you’re wearing some old cotton panties, then you seriously need to look at your life and make some changes.  I’m not trying to be judgmental, but seriously, you shouldn’t be THAT comfortable having a threesome.
Venice: So you’re saying that a woman should also buy some nice lingerie?
Ryan: Absolutely.  Maybe even something she has never worn before.  Make your moments special.  I mean, I hated the first day of school but I always loved wearing my new shoes and outfits.  It at least made the day special.  The threesome may suck, but not because you didn’t feel sexy.   If you feel and look sexy, you’ll be sexy.  Plus, I don’t really want a strange woman sitting on my face with a pair of lingerie she decided she didn’t have to wash, because she only wore them one other time for 15 minutes, when she sat on her ex-boyfriends face prior to him taking them off.
Venice: Oh God Ryan, you are too much.  So basically, we lost our last reader with that visual.
Ryan: People really read our stuff?  Cool.  I thought we were saving these blogs for our grandkids one day.  Listen little Suzy, you’ve been a great grandchild, but change your panties.  Okay?
Venice: …
Ryan: …
Venice: …
Ryan: What?  I’m just saying, new lingerie is good.
Venice:  No, you weren’t just saying that.  None the less, I agree, I want to have a new bra, new panties, and even a new shirt or something when I meet with a woman I am interested in.  I want to be totally shaved, bathed, and even put lotions on my tummy and inner thighs to make sure not just my vagina is ready, but no matter which path she takes, she enjoys her trip.
Ryan: Lotions ladies.  This is a good thing.  This one, may not be an across the board though.  Venice gets upset when I put cocoa butter on my penis or bal…
Venice: …because I don’t want you to smell like cocoa butter.   I love you shaved, I love a well groomed man, for sure.  What I don’t love, is going down on my man and he smells better than me.  No.  There are some things I want natural.  I want to suck your dick and rub on your balls, and imagine this is what it would be like if I was sucking Tarzan’s dick.  I don’t want lotion, cologne, or any other smell interfering with my experience.  I know, it sounds dumb, but some things are just better natural.
Ryan: I like cocoa butter though…
Venice: Well, sorry, I don’t want to lick your balls and accidently bite into them because they remind me of my favorite Christmas cookie Ryan.
Ryan: Yea, we don’t want that.
Venice: I bet you don’t.
Ryan: …
Ryan: So, as she was saying, ladies, lotion is a good thing.  Men, not so much.
Venice: No offense, but when I go down on a lady, I do not want to smell Ms. Tarzan.  My entire attraction to women is knowing they take care of themselves the same way I do.  I want to smell lotions, I want to see her sexy nails, I want to pull off her sexy lingerie, and I definitely want to lick her whole body and feel like I just walked down the aisles of Bath and Body Works.
Ryan: So sexy.
Venice: Thank you.  Anything else you have to add to the Dos and Don’ts?
Ryan: Yup, are you ready?
Venice: Oh no.
Ryan:  Ladies, seriously.  If you are planning to spend the night with a couple, or the lady in the couple is planning on hooking up with a third, do not let a man ejaculate in your vagina the night before.
Venice: Oh my…
Ryan: No, no, don’t cut me off here because this one is probably the reason why I mentioned the bathtub angels to begin with.
Venice: Go on.
Ryan: I would never want another woman to go down on my wife and have to deal with day my old cum residue because I couldn’t control myself the night before.  I mean seriously, who wants this?
Venice: I know I don’t.
Ryan: I will be totally honest, the morning of a possible threesome, even before our last shower, I will ask Venice is she wants me to “clean her out.”
Venice: It sounds worse than it really is.
Ryan: Basically I will “clean her pipes” for about 5 minutes, not to orgasm, not to have sex, but to really clean her out so she is prepared for our experience.
Venice: This keeps my body totally fresh, and it also gets my new juices flowing so the woman who joins us can really enjoy me.
Ryan: That’s what I am saying.
Venice: Okay, so I think I got it.  Ladies, try not to get creampied the night before you have a threesome.  I promise you, the next day, the other two will not enjoy you.  I don’t care what type of magic spoon you think you have that can dip inside your body and get all of the old creampie out, your spoon sucks.
Ryan:  Ha!
Venice: I’m serious
Ryan: The only time I ever smell anything unusual with you is after I orgasm inside you the night before .  Most people do not talk about this, but, a lot of times the woman’s odor is less because of herself, and more because of the two body fluids mixing together and the body cleaning itself out the next day.  Our bodies aren’t magic and sperm doesn’t just vanish into thin air inside of vaginas.
Venice: And for the record, I always clean up afterwards.   Anything else?
Ryan: Well, do I have to mention all the more common sense things like good hygiene?
Venice: Brush, wash, comb hair, trim, shave…
Ryan: …things you should be doing regardless of a threesome.
Venice: I will add a few of my own.
Ryan: Okay, that sounds good.
Venice: As a couple, never ignore the third person in the room.  Could you imagine how awkward that would be for the third person to be there watching the couple make out and totally forget she is there in the first place?
Ryan: Maybe she didn’t follow the rules mentioned above?
Venice: Ha, that’s true.
Ryan: If a couple is interested in a threesome and they accidently leave the third uninvolved, that’s a big sign.
Venice: You’re probably right, but nonetheless, couples, do not be rude.  Take care of your guest.

Let’s recap…

DOs
Wash your vagina/balls
Manicure (clean nails, polished, etc.)
Clean sexy lingerie and/or panties
Lotions
Hygiene, hygiene, hygiene

DON’Ts
Creampie the night before
Couples, do not ignore the third person

If you have your own DOs and DON’Ts, please add them in the comment section!

November 15, 2013

Random Moments With Us – Your Mother

Life & Random Moments No Comments

your motherFor my entire relationship I have been absolutely mature in everything we have ever done.  I am the epitome of maturity.  For instance, if Venice were to nicely ask, “Ryan, what time is that television show on tonight?”

I’d maturely respond with, “Why don’t you ask your mother what time the show is on tonight?”  In fact, I’ve said this old joke for so long now it gets more mature each time I say it.  And I’m okay with that.

Well, from the first day I met Venice, she was always extremely possessive of me.  I didn’t mind.  She was open about her possessive nature behavior and said until she met me, she was always just the opposite.  I took that as a huge compliment, and I loved her caring enough about me that she got jealous.   During the course of our marriage, some things were extreme, but I always thought it was cute.  If I said a movie star was sexy, I could never watch a movie with her with that actress in it.  And no, that isn’t a joke.  She felt threatened by I guess what she considered little crushes.  Like, I couldn’t watch a movie with a sexy movie star and not have sexual thoughts. This couldn’t be further from the truth, but her insecurities were always cute to me.  I learned very quickly to just never mention who I thought was or wasn’t sexy (or I’d never be able to watch movies again).

However, there was ONE person who I could call a hottie, and Venice had no choice not to be offended by it: her mother.  I’d openly say to her that I can tell where she got her looks from because her mother is gorgeous.  This would make Venice smile.  If her mom was down in the dumps or was going through her own problems, Venice would tell her mom about these compliments and they both would laugh.  It was funny, but of course it was also quite flattering.

Well, somewhere along the line, Venice began teasing me about me saying her mom was gorgeous.  If Venice would say, “Ryan, what are we going to do tonight?”

I’d respond, “I have no idea, what’s your mom going to do tonight?”

She would then glance at me smiling and say, “You wish.”

I’d then laugh and respond, “Yea I do…” with a pause then finish, “Your mother is hot as hell, so what?”

As stupid as this sounds, this became our playful mindless banter for years.  Of course we talk and communicated seriously, but on those days when we are extra playful and she asked me something, I would randomly say “Your mother.”

Fast forward to a month ago, fresh after we had our first threesome.  At this point, Venice hadn’t been as jealous or possessive in years.  Her insecurity issues seemed to totally vanish.

Anyway, a few days after we experienced our first threesome Venice was getting something out of the refrigerator.  She glanced over at me and said, “What do you want to eat?”

I looked back at her and said, “Your mother.”

She then looked at me for a second and said, “You wish…” but she paused and added, “…okay wait, that just doesn’t feel right anymore.”

I agreed.

What’s the point of this random moment?  If you have a threesome be prepared to give up your glorious mother jokes.  That is all.

November 15, 2013

Freaky Friday Search Terms – men with clits

Freaky Search Terms , , , , , , No Comments

freakyfriday

Each week we will post our most outrageous search terms that people used to find our website that week.  Ryan and I will then share our own thoughts and hopefully entertain you guys or at least make the search term make a little less sense.

Each search term was gathered by wordpress and/or google statistics and they are all very real search terms.   Each search term was used by some person in the world that ended up on our page.

10. cum on my top
Ryan: I got nothing here.
Venice: It’s going to be one of those days I guess?
Ryan:  Well, I mean, what really can I say about ‘cum on my top’
Venice: Maybe we can work that ‘Cum on my top?  My sleeves or  collar ‘ angle?
Ryan: No, you can work that angle if you want, I’m going to sit out this search term.  I can’t force the magic to happen, it just does.
Venice: Oh dear.  What a diva.

9. penis contest
Venice: And the biggest dick award goes to…
Ryan: …
Ryan: Do you want me to drum roll?
Drum roll sound
Venice: Aww, you are smiling and waiting for me to finish?
Ryan: … hell yea!
Drum roll sound
Venice: Wait, what was I saying again?
Ryan: … something about the biggest penis I think.
Drum roll sound
Venice: Are you sure?
Ryan: … yes, I am positive. Go ahead, finish …
Drum roll sound
Venice: And the cutest penis I have ever seen goes to …
Drum roll sound
Venice: … Ryan!
Ryan:  Oh wow, that just went from Best Actor to Best Original Soundtrack for an Obscure Black and White Documentary.
Venice: Yay!  You won!

8. men with clits
Venice: That guy definitely didn’t win.
Ryan: Touché.

7. my wife doesn’t like my cock
Venice: That sucks.
Ryan:  Well, I removed that one tattoo that you didn’t like, maybe he could try that?
Venice: Are you saying he should remove his cock?
Ryan: I mean, she may like him better without it?
Venice: Your butt cheek is much sexier without that tweety bird tattoo.
Ryan: Really, a tweety bird tattoo?  For the joke’s sake you couldn’t give me like a cooler butt cheek tattoo to remove?
Venice: Like Roy Orbison?
Ryan: Waterboy!

6. the rules of swallowing cum
Venice: You must show your man his hard work and let him enjoy the visual of his cum in your mouth prior to swallowing.
Ryan: Yes.  Great rule.
Venice: While showing your stallion his delicious juices, you must make cute little sperm bubbles on your lips and let them pop all over your face.
Ryan: Yes.  She definitely knows her rule book here.
Venice: Before swallowing, you must savor his flavor and gargle while he watches.
Ryan: An older rule, but that is definitely accurate.
Venice: You can also push the sperm back and forth through your teeth to show him you want his flavor to marinate all throughout your mouth.
Ryan: Absolutely, he must marinate.  That’s an important rule for sure.
Venice: Finally, you must grab him by his throat, force his lips open, and spit it back in his mouth so he can also do all of the above as well.
Ryan: Uh, that’s definitely not a rule.
Venice: Well it should be.
Ryan: I will talk to the rule makers of swallowing and discuss that idea.  If for whatever reason the rule makers agree to your suggestion , there is still a lot of paperwork and red tape involved in the rule changing process.  Honestly, it’s really not even worth the effort.
Venice: Uh huh.
Ryan: Seriously, let’s keep these rules simple for our readers’ sake.

5. wake up with dick in her pussy
Venice: This happened to me once. Freaked me out because I knew you weren’t in me when I fell asleep
Ryan: Freaked me out too because I wasn’t in you when we woke up either.
Venice: …
Ryan: Kermit?
Venice: Busted!

I once came home and Venice put her pants in the living room.  Her panties were thrown on the couch, and she put her bra on the bedroom door knob.  I walked into the bedroom and she popped out of from under the covers and said, “Ryan!?”  Then she grabbed her life sized Kermit the Frog stuffed animal and made him pop up from underneath the covers and look at me too.  In her best Kermit the Frog voice she said, “Ryan?!”

I later jacked off on her Miss Piggy stuffed anmal and made Kermit watch.  (Read article here)

4. is it wrong to cum on my wife while she is asleep
Ryan: That depends on if she fell asleep during intercourse?  You get to finish what she starts no matter what sleep stage she is in.
Venice: My suggestion would be, whether she started it or not, to do it when she’s in deep sleep.
Ryan: I don’t know if that’s even legal.
Venice: When a tree falls in a lonely forest, does it make a sound?
Ryan: No, but when a woman wakes up with sticky stuff all over her in the morning, she may make a sound then.
Venice: Yea, but what about the tree?
Ryan: …
Venice: You see, you and the tree are one.
Ryan: Stop trying to confuse me.

3. my wife’s body is nude when she is sleeping on youtube
Venice: Was she sticky?
Ryan: Did youtube capture any sounds?
Venice: The magic?
Ryan: Oh yea, it’s flowing right now.

2. do sluts have loose vaginas
Ryan: When I go to prison I’m going to need a non-slut for sure.  It’s really not possible for a slut to secretly carry my contraband supplies in with a loose vagina. She’ll walk up to the prison guard and when he says, “Spread them,” a fucking toaster oven falls out of her crotch like nothing happened.  Not good, not good at all.
Venice:  Don’t worry Ryan, I’m tight enough to hold that toaster oven in place even if I have to spread them.  I’ll be your Bonnie.
Ryan: Hell yea.  This is going to be great.

1. how to self suck your own dick and eat your own cum
Venice: Step 1, remove your bottom rib.  Step 2, stretch.  Step 3, have a two-foot long penis.
Ryan: That’s funny, because you just told me to get on my shoulders.  Then you pushed my ass down to my shoulders until my dick flopped against my face.
Venice: Wow, TMI.
Ryan: It happened.  Just accept it.
Venice: Can I get some TMI with those fries?
Ryan: Accept it.  You made me slap my own face with my cock.
Venice: … and I’m done here!