During work at about 2 P.M. I got a text message from Venice saying she had a bad headache and she was headed to the store to buy some Ibuprofen. It’s allergy season so I figured it was no big deal. At about 5:30 P.M. I see her car pull up to my office and she gets out and switches seats. I call her on her cell and ask what is going on. She tells me she is tired and needs me to drive her home. She felt guilty because she knew I wasn’t off yet and offered to sleep in the car until I was off work. Of course I immediately close down and go outside to see what is wrong with her. She asked if I could leave my car at work and drive her home. She can’t seem to stay awake. I agree, but ask if I need to take her to the hospital. Something just wasn’t right.
Category: All Sex
Where Did All My Jealousy Go?
When Ryan and I first started dating, I told him that if he ever cheated on me, I would leave him. I loved him hard and I loved him and only him. I was clingy (I mean super clingy), jealous, and loved his attention, and in return, he would get someone who would do anything for him. Back then, I had a very no-nonsense attitude about relationships and my opinion about cheating was very black and white. If you have sex another, girl – definitely cheating. If you kiss another girl, even drunkenly at a party – still cheating. I mean, if you put yourself in a situation where there’s alcohol and you have the opportunity to kiss someone else, that’s just not very smart. And if you even talk to another girl – yes, still cheating. There was no in between, semi-cheating, “I-cheated-but-it-didn’t-mean-anything-to-me” – I must not mean anything to you if you decide to any of the above-mentioned to me. Simple as that.
I carried a lot of my high school jealousy into my marriage. Actually all of it. And Ryan knew this, so if there was ever a time when jealousy came out, he was very, very good at allaying my fears and insecurities. That’s what good husbands do. He has never purposely tried to hurt my feelings or make me jealous about anything. He never brought up his past, other girls, etc., no matter how mad he got. He trivialized every past experience – kiss, touch, etc. – to the point where he was disgusted by anything that didn’t involve me. It made me feel really good. His job as a man and as a husband was to keep me from succumbing to my weakness. Some people need a workout partner, some need an AA sponsor, others need support groups. Ryan was my support group, and yes, I needed it…for a long time. It’s as if he was engineered to handle my jealous, clingy personality.
Am I proud of my old self? Not really. I certainly didn’t set out to be the way I was. It’s just how I was. Ryan’s personality and sensitivity complemented my clinginess and qualms. If we were Tetris blocks, he’d be the square-block to my inverse L-block. I can’t imagine how excruciatingly tiresome it must have been to be this 24-hour lion tamer, well lioness tamer, always having to keep me fed, happy, calm, from attacking everyone in the circus, figuratively speaking. I just know I couldn’t do it.
Now, fast-forwarding 15 years after we said our I-dos and it’s difficult to imagine myself how I used to be. I recall how I felt, but I can’t imagine being that way. I empathize with the old me, but now I just see myself as plain silly. I would refer to myself now as the “adult” me, but being an adult means more than just reaching age 18 or getting married, having kids, or being in a long-term relationship. It’s about emotional maturity and the capability to reason. THAT is the adult me.
However, I often wonder: where did all my jealousy go? It didn’t go away overnight. It was a very gradual change which took a lot of work on both of our parts. I no longer rely on threatening to leave Ryan if he cheated on me, because it was really just an empty threat. We’ve spent half our time on Earth together and in that time he has proven that he had no intentions on cheating on me (by any of my definitions). It took years to earn my trust and it shouldn’t go unrewarded. In return we talked in-depth about threesomes, open relationships, and of course, dealing with our changing outlook on our marriage.
Since becoming more receptive to conversations never-spoken as little as five years ago, we’ve change fundamentally the people we’ve been. We’ve been closer, we argue more communicate more, which can lead to debates and arguments, but like passing gas, it feels so much better to let it out than to keep it. We talk like how we used to when we were young and in love and trying to get to know each other more. And we’re doing it again, finding ourselves and establishing our roles in our marriage and relationship. Only the jealousies are near non-existent. Because I’d be lying if I said I had absolutely no traces of the old me. It’s this little bit left that Ryan smiles at when I blow up his texts, when he gets 5 missed calls from me, and when he kisses me on the forehead after finally coming home from…wherever. The foundation that our relationship was built on, i.e. my jealousies and his nurturing, remains, and everything that’s built up on it over time is supported by it.
Sexual Guilt From Having Such A Giving Spouse
How can anyone be guilty from having a spouse that is so giving?
It really is very easy, especially when you are open about your sex life. When people find out about me being woke up to blow jobs each day, or that we practice intimacy twice a day, they immediately find something wrong with it. I’ve heard from others that I must be controlling, I must be too needy, it must be torture for my wife to give so much of her time to me, we’re not normal, everyone needs breaks from sex, and the list goes on and on. I’ve heard my friends’ wives respond, “Oh that poor girl,” when speaking about Venice and the amount of time she spends with me (maybe 30 – 45 minutes a day total on average). When I say I am open about my sex life, I do not mean I give all the details about everything I do sexually. That’s what this blog is for. What I do mean is, most of our close friends do know about our circle and know that Venice and I are intimate daily.
Although we are raised to believe certain rules and moral codes as children, when we become an adult it is important that we rethink our childhood teachings. What were our parents trying to teach us, what were they trying to protect us from, and what does our own belief system and worship of God teach us? Blaming our parents or our religion for our feelings is not taking full responsibility for our own growth and re-evaluation. Most people grow up, and evaluate what their parents did right and what they did wrong. After this evaluation, they decide what they will do differently in their lives, and the way they parent their children. What happens with guilt is oftentimes different. No matter how we change our thinking, we may continue to suffer guilt when we engage in something that we grew up thinking was verboten. Sexual guilt is one of those areas that affect many couples’ lives. As with most issues in a relationship it will be easier if you address and talk about it with your committed partner.
~ Mary Jo Rapini, Licensed Relationship and Family Therapist
I believe a lot of the disconnect with intimacy and relationships is because of how we were “programmed” as children. Venice is given “social” sympathy (not really sympathy, but almost a sarcastic response to the idea of having sex too much) as a “poor girl” because each day she has decided to wake up and spend intimate time with me for 10 minutes. Yet it’s totally acceptable for her to work for 8 hours each day.
So let me try to put this in perspective so I can understand it better. 10 minutes a day to keep your marriage strong and your spouse happy; weird and unusual. 8 hours a day to spend away from your spouse and family, busting your ass to pay bills and earn money; normal and acceptable. According to the American Time Use Survey, an average person watches 2.6 hours of television a day. Men spend 6.0 hours for leisure activities each day, while women spend 5.2. This is all normal and acceptable. I’ve never heard anyone suggest to Venice that she was a “poor girl” because she watches her favorite show or spends time on the computer each night. However, if she has to spend intimate time with her husband each day, that’s considered unusual. Not that “you” time isn’t important, but “us” time is equally important in my opinion. Especially considering a lot of your security, happiness, comfort, and complacency in life is based off the idea that you have already found your life partner and you no longer have the stresses of being alone or looking for someone to date. In essence, making sure you and your spouse are both happy, is also “you” time. Well, if you have your priorities straight and you aren’t self centered.
Continue Reading Sexual Guilt From Having Such A Giving Spouse
Random Moments – Our First Threesome
Years ago, when Venice and I were still dating, we explored each other’s bodies daily. I had never really touched my body, my testicles, and as I already mentioned in a previous article, I masturbated prone. I was young, around 19 years old, and during a blow job while standing up Venice felt a lump in my testicles. This was a first for me, as I had never really explored my testicles and didn’t really know what all the different textures felt like. After she showed me, I also felt the lump. This freaked me out so I made an appointment with a doctor on a military base. I was still a military dependent in college, so I could still use the on base facilities.
On the day of my appointment, I was a bit nervous. I had never dropped my pants in front of a doctor so I didn’t know what to expect. What’s funny is, growing up I played sports but was extremely shy, so my dad would sign the all my sports physical forms, as a doctor, to save me from having to drop my pants and cough while I was a teenager. I know that sounds dumb but I appreciated not having to be humiliated. I probably wouldn’t have played sports in school if my dad actually made me go to a doctor prior. I hated the idea of exposing myself. I also didn’t think I needed a doctor to fondle my nuts while I coughed to know that I could play basketball (which I played every day my whole life up until that point).
Back to my lump. As Venice and I sat in the back room waiting for the doctor to enter, we heard a female voice next door talking to a nurse.
“Seargent Tucker came in today again,” the first female voice announced.
“Oh no,” Responded the female second voice. “Again?”
“Yes, I walked in the room this time and he had his penis already out, exposing himself to me. This is the 3rd time this week he has came in and had me check him,” said the first female voice.
“That’s ridiculous,” responded the second female voice.
“While I am checking him he starts getting an erection so I stopped immediately,” says the first female voice.
“You should call his commanding office and let him know what he is doing,” the second female voice responded.
At that point I made a funny face and looked at Venice. Venice looked back at me and made a hand motion of someone giving oral sex and fondling a man’s balls. I couldn’t help but laugh. I suppose on military facilities there isn’t really a “knock before you enter” protocol because my physician entered the room and caught Venice giving oral sex to air while I was watching and laughing. What a great start for such an embarrassing situation for me.
The doctor, an Asian lady that resembled Lucy Liu, asked if she was interrupting something. Like two shamed school kids, we both looked down and shook our heads no. She then asked me what my reasons were for coming in that day. I explained to her that we found a lump in my testicles and wanted to know if I was dying. She asked me to stand up and remove my pants so she could have a look.
Jeez, slow down Doc.
So, let me list all the things going through my mind:
- Doctor, how long do I have to live?
- I hope Venice doesn’t slap this doctor for touching me.
- Please penis, don’t be “just stepped out of a cold pool” tiny right now.
- I hope the doctor doesn’t laugh at my penis.
- I hope my dick isn’t swollen or too big. I don’t want her to think I am Seargent Tucker
- Will she be able to tell that my penis is crooked just by looking at?
- Oh God, why the fuck does she have to be a woman.
- Oh God, why the fuck does she have to be a Asian woman.
- Oh God, why the fuck does she have to be a cute Asian woman.
- I hope the doctor doesn’t excite me and cause my penis to grow.
- Her hands better be warm if she touches my balls.
Seriously, what the fuck is the proper etiquette with your penis when a doctor enters the room? Is it allowed to be stretched a bit so it isn’t totally shriveled?
Not to be a pervert, but I can see why Seargent Tucker seemed to be having so many penis problems himself. This doctor was adorable. I started counting sheep in my head trying not to think about anything sexual. I was extremely embarrassed about exposing myself to a doctor, as the only person that had ever seen me nude was Venice, but I guess you can say I have this thing for Asian women. Doctor or no doctor, I said a small prayer asking the Lord to please help me control my penis so it does not make any sudden movements. I pulled my pants down and watched the doctor eyeball my penis and testicles. She fondled me for a few moments and couldn’t find the lump. I asked if I could show her where, and she nodded. I put my finger on the area of the lump and she placed her hand where I was pointing. She confirmed she also felt a lump and asked me to lay down. I still had my pants halfway down to my knees and wobbled my way to the patient table. I looked over to Venice, who was making her tongue poke out the side of her cheek inside her mouth, to suggest a blow job, and gave her a dirty look. As I laid there naked, exposed to the doctor who was fondling my balls, with my girlfriend watching, I wanted to disappear from earth. I hated every second of it. I really felt even more stupid when I found out there was nothing wrong with my testicles and it was merely a bent vein in my sac that hardens (when my testicles are not fully sagging) when I stand up.
Years later Venice teases me about this situation and calls it our first threesome.
My Young Mind – Why I Love Ryan
The other day, Ryan (Mahal) and I were looking through his box of memories. It was filled pictures of me through various stages of my life, movie stubs, receipts from local movie rental stores, postage from care packages, candy wrappers, and letters I’d written to him while he was away at college. Sometimes on a roll of cash register paper that he’d have to unfurl to read, sometimes on cardboard packaging, and sometimes on college ruled paper. We spent most of that night looking at his memories. He cried a few times as he remembered how in love we were, and still are. It’s like we blinked and we went from being giddy teenagers without a care in the world to being married, raising our young, and spending our days together doing yard work and taking vacations and caring for each other.
Here is one of the letters that I wrote to Ryan reminding him (and me) of the many reason why I love him. Please keep in mind, I was young and he was my first real love. Also, emoticons were around before computers!
1) he took my virginity
2) i took his virginity
3) he likes to talk to me
4) he listens to me when i bark
5) he licks my back and makes me feel tingly
6) when we kiss, he looks with his eyes open
7) he gets me drinks when i’m thirsty
8) he massages my feet when i just take off my shoes and they’re all hot and sweaty
9) i’ve felt every feeling except [anger] towards/with him
10) he’s my best friend in the world
11) he learned to comb my hair and make it tangle free
12) he puts puzzle pieces together and helps me find the pieces i need
13) he eats food from my mouth
14) he eats already chewed up stuff from my mouth, so all he has to do is swallow
15) he massages my back
16) he likes to go grocery shopping with me
17) i like how he looks in baggy jeans
18) he answers all my questions when i think he’s not paying attention
19) he licked my molars with his tongue
20) he ate ice cream off of me
21) i talk to him as my boyfriend or my best friend
22) he has a cutesy face
23) he has a cutesy smile
24) he has a cutesy butt
25) he has cutesy hands
26) when he’s mad he looks even more cutesy
27) he is a little shy boy
28) he’s a real talkative man
29) he says “ihh…you put ice in your milk! That’s gross” and then goes home and ices his milk
30) he rubs off on me
31) i rub off on him
32) we rub off on each other
33) he cares about my feelings
34) he cares if im mad
35) he calls me collect and says to call him back as his “name”
36) he talks like a little baby sometimes
37) he talks like a grown-up
38) he copies the things i do and say
39) he looks cute when he thinks too hard
40) he looks good with a shirt off
41) he reminds me to put my seatbelt and slow down when i drive too fast
42) he holds my hand (and sometimes puts his arm around me) in public
43) he made my bed
44) he knows how to share his toys
45) he gives me whatever i want
46) he gives me piggy back rides
47) he does what i tell him
48) he doesn’t let his eyes wander
49) he wrote poems for me
50) when we ice skate he holds my hand
51) he likes how i look
52) he sends me things in the mail
53) he kisses so well!
54) he has a cutesy face
55) he’s smart
56) he would never cheat on me
57) i get all his attention
58) he eats ghetto cheese and mountain dew
59) he likes the stories and poems i write
60) he lets me cut his nails
61) he wants to do nasty things
62) he asks to do nasty things
63) he cries when he feels like it
64) he lets me in the bathroom when he’s peeing
65) he learned a lot of things from me
66) he made me believe that i can really love someone
67) he shows me off
68) he started liking Jon B. when he only liked rap
69) he has a cutesy face
70) he is thoughtful to me
71) he makes my heart flutter
72) he’s honest
73) he likes to be clean
74) he likes to get dirty
75) he’s a deep thinker
76) I’m the happiest when I’m with him
