Category: The Wild Wild Web

Drinking Alcohol With Your Vagina

Have you ever heard of the term, “You don’t believe me?  Snopes it then!”  Well, Snopes claims that women using tampons soaked in vodka to get drunk isn’t true. So you shouldn’t be drinking alcohol with your vagina, at least according to the mythbusters of the internet. There are a few people out there that beg to differ.  One of them being Melanie Berliet, who 6 years ago not only put a vodka soaked tampon in her vagina, but she also spent a night out on the town with a breathalyzer kit monitoring her blood alcohol levels.  

Bacterial Vaginosis is an infection caused by an imbalance of “good” and “bad” bacteria in the vagina, most commonly affecting women ages 15 to 44. The exact cause of the condition isn’t known, but certain activities like smoking and douching can increase your risk of getting it.

First, let me clarify.  Do not try this yourself.  I have never done this, nor would I experiment for this blog, as I do not feel it is safe. Plus, I have experimented enough for the blogging world!  I believe it works, but I also believe it’s dangerous as you can get alcohol poisoning much easier.  Not to mention alcohol would kill all the good things going on inside your vagina, specifically the good bacteria and your pH balance, and lead to a nasty UTI.  Mélanie Berliet has already risked her vagina for blogging sake, so there is no need to walk on the moon twice.

Why Would Anyone Try Drinking Alcohol With Her Vagina?

The same reason people shove alcohol enemas up their anus…

There are various reasons why a person may want to drink alcohol with their vagina.  To name a few, it will get you drunk faster.  This isn’t a new idea, just a bit sexier than the concept of putting alcohol in your colon through your anus. 

• Alcohol directly in your vagina or anus will bypass the liver therefore going directly to your bloodstream.  This will cause you to get drunker much quicker, with much less alcohol.  
• To continue with the last point, less alcohol means less calories.  You can drink less, therefore your body doesn’t intake as much calories.  
• Bypassing the stomach also means the chances of getting sick and due to an upset stomach is much less likely.   In other words, no vomiting at the end of the night. 
• For drinkers that may want to hide their breath, whether it be work, a group gathering, or underaged drinkers, unless someone smells your vagina, you will be undetectable.  However, to the underaged drinkers, your parents may not smell your breath but you may end up with alcohol poisoning so when they drive you to the emergency room, it won’t be a secret anymore.  

Below is an interesting article that goes into detail about a woman and her adventures with vodka, tampons, and her vagina.

Stick A Vodka-Soaked Tampon Up Your Vagina, Get Drunk by  Mélanie Berliet

For the first time one recent afternoon, I scour the shelves of my local liquor store considering not which varietal of wine my palate desires, but which brand of vodka my vagina deserves. General distaste for hard alcohol be damned, I’m on a mission to explore slimming, defined by Urban Dictionary as “the vaginal or anal insertion of a liquor (usually vodka) soaked tampon for the purpose of rapid intoxication.”

Surveying the options, I want to believe my lady parts are worthy of a pricy Grey Goose or Belvedere. Since I won’t taste the stuff, though, reason dictates going for something cheaper, like Smirnoff. Following a 10-minute long internal battle between sensibility and delusions of vaginal grandeur, I settle upon a 200-mililiter bottle of the midlevel Absolut for $9.99.

On the way home, I think about the time-honored tradition of getting wasted. Stone Age beer jugs dating back to the Neolithic period point to the consumption of alcohol by our prehistoric ancestors, and we know from pictographs that Egyptians were downing wine as early as 4,000 B.C. Cut to present day, by which time man has exploited his ingenuity in developing a vast spectrum of deliciously potent concoctions—from margaritas to fuzzy nipples—as well as various methods of consuming them—from shooting to bombing and funneling.

Although a great article, we will skim over a few paragraphs and get you guys to what you came here for.  Start drinking alcohol with your vagina girl! 

I may already be of legal drinking age, but as a steadfast supporter of the don’t-knock-it-‘til-you’ve-tried-it approach to life, I feel obligated to give slimming a go. As soon as I reach my apartment, I grab a Playtex regular tampon (capacity for absorption: 6 to 9 grams) from the medicine cabinet. I push the rocket-shaped cotton swab out from its plastic applicator and drop it in a shot glass. It’s then that I’m reminded that the device is designed to expand as it gets wet, which will make inserting it post vodka bath a serious challenge. Fortunately, I’m way too proud to bail on an experiment the average rebellious 16-year-old can handle.

In nothing but a bra, straddled above the toilet in case of drippage, I touch the sopping wad to my privates.

“Ahhhhhhh!” I exclaim, totally unprepared for the burning sensation down below. It feels like someone zapped me with a light saber. Don’t be such a pussy, I tell myself, then laugh at my own terrible joke.

This is why Snopes claims that this phenomenon is not real.  The amount of pain involved with shoving a vodka soaked tampon in your vagina, with the amount of vodka a tampon can actually hold, would be equivalent to a small mixer drink.  Would you burn your groin just to get the same buzz of a small mixer drink?  

Several deep breaths later, the thing is lodged inside me.

While dressing, I squint and flex whichever vaginal muscles I can to stave off serious discomfort. Eager for a distraction, I rush out to meet my friends wearing a black pleated dress, patent leather pumps, a grey blazer, and one laughably agonizing vodka-cotton contraption.

“Everything okay?” a friend asks immediately upon seeing me.

“Yup!” I assure, but my contorted expression tells a different story.

Twenty minutes later, when we arrive at a Chelsea gallery for a private opening, I’m feeling better. But is the thing working?

There’s only one way to find out. Inside a bathroom stall, I whip out a breathalyzer kit purchased at Brookstone just for the occasion. The gizmo reads my blood alcohol content (BAC) as a whopping .14% already.

Mingling with friends amongst art, I can’t help but smile. I’m definitely drunker than I would be otherwise, so I can nurse a glass of wine rather than chug it. I pat myself on the back for minimizing the day’s calorie count, and for being such an avant-garde drunkard.

It’s not until two hours or so later that I start to feel an inordinate amount of moisture accumulating in my underwear. If I don’t do something fast, I fear it’ll soon appear as if my water’s broken. Since I don’t have the baby bump to pull that look off, I dash to the ladies’ room yet again. I can only hope I haven’t left a dribble trail behind me and/or raised suspicion about having a coke problem.

Behind stall wall, I assess the situation. Fuck, I think, for neglecting to wear a panty liner. I have to get this thing out. If only being on the sauce didn’t make being nimble so difficult.

A good deal of concentrated pinching, prodding, and yanking later, my vaginal canal is free from alcohol. But the burning sensation remains.

Doctor, we may be in trouble here.  It seems like we have a possible wounded soldier. 

Symptoms?  She seems a bit drunk, but no more than a few shots.  However, her vagina is burning and it seems as if her labia are melting. 

Oh this is serious.  Give me a tampon soaked in monistat stat.   We will try to reverse the effects.

Back at home, incessant stinging motivates me to research the potential risks of what I’ve just put myself through. I’m soon reminded that there’s a reason we douse wounds in rubbing alcohol: As a solvent, alcohol kills bacteria. And while microbe slaying might be wonderful for avoiding infection through scrapes and cuts, it’s likely to upset the delicate balance of good bacteria inside a gal’s vagina.

The frequent slimmer might as well beg for a yeast infection. So moving forward, I plan to stick to ingesting alcoholic beverages orally—at least until someone teaches me how to “eyeball.” 

Thankfully this experience saved me from having to risk my vagina for the cause.  We salute Mélanie Berliet for staying in the trenches while the rest of us normally sipped on daiquiris without having to shove a tequila worm up our vagina holes.