I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter

i can't believe it's not butterAfter I looked up a word on my dictionary.com app, it redirected me to a commercial for I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. Even if you don’t use this brand of butter, which I do not, you still know what this is. To me, I know it for cheesy commercials with male 80s/90s model Fabio. The name itself is a joke, so having Fabio as a spokesperson for them is simply genius. But now, it looks like ICBINB has changed its tune and is forcing its consumers to take them more seriously. Apparently, they’ve got a new simplified recipe with no preservatives and containing the “good fats” etc. etc. etc. That’s not the point. The new commercial does not have a long-haired Italian blonde man with an accent so thick it’s comical.  Instead, it has a new revamped version of a dark-haired, bearded muscular American chef who looks like Kahl Drogo from “The Game of Thrones.” Within seconds of the new ad, ICBINB is taking a more serious, seductive stance with their new campaign. Let me break down the 30-second pornmmercial.

0:01 — Opening scene: A magical poof of flour is thrown onto the table at what looks like to be a renaissance fair, but with aprons and toques instead of armor and swords.  Flour dust – if you listen close, each grain that hits the chopping board makes the sound of a unsuspecting pool boy being watched by a horny housewife.

547f6e2e-664c-421b-83cd-3e8b32396c25 0:02 – 0:03 — The camera focuses on our muffin lumberjack and his sinewy arms kneading dough.  His body language speaks as if he’s got someone bent over in front of him, squeezing her ass cheeks together. Plus he’s tanned as if he’s spent all day in the hot sun…baking his bread sticks.

0:04 — Two unsuspecting ladies approach him. They look at each other a bit sinsterly as if they can’t wait to dive into his fatty spread of omega 3 acids.

0:05 – 0:10 — Kahl “Butter Ball” Drogo looks up from his dough innocently enough. His blue eyes are outlined with laugh lines, letting us know he loves comedies like “22 Jumpstreet” followed by moonlit walks with his Golden Retriever, Max. His eyes meet theirs, looking at both of them, not showing favoritism to either because he’s an equal opportunity lover. “I love making the kind of food you feel good about putting into your body,” he says in a breathy voice. I assume food is code for baked goods covered in margarine and not a hard cock? The woman on the right grins at him and is probably thinking, “I wonder if this butter boy’s batter is cholesterol free?”

0:11 — “The Dough Boy” sets down a plate of his freshly baked blueberry muffins and the camera pans slightly to the right and focuses in on, you know it, a new container of ICBINB (see the untouched whipped topping swirl on top?). He tells them, “I know what you’re thinking. This is new and improved I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.” He looks at each of them in the eye with yearning and desire. “100% taste, 0% artificial preservatives.” He grasps the little tub of yellow margarine in his hand and pierces the virginal skin with a shiny silver butter knife. Look at how he handles the quivering mound of love. Very indicative of how he treats his woman in bed, and these women know it.

0:14 – 0:22 — “The Oven Stuffer” grasps his muffin in his hand (with a napkin over it for protection because he wants to keep himself clean. A real man practices safe cooking. He doesn’t know those women!) His knife presses down hard into the muffin and pops its cherry, I mean blueberries, beneath the erect steel. The soft bready muffin body giving way as he uses just the right amount of pressure to apply the butter.

“Made with a blend of delicious oils, purified water, and just a pinch of salt.” The lady on the left dives into his pastry and shakes her head, as if she literally cannot believe it’s not butter. Her mouth is full of his freshly cooked non butter battered muffin. She looks at him with approval.

i-cant-believe-its-not-butter-farmers-market-large-30:21-22 — The lady on the right smirks at her friend. “Two please,” she tells him in a hurried manner. Two?! Wtf. Why are you asking for two?? Can’t you see your friend already had a taste? Oh, I get it. Jealous that she got serviced first. I see. She was forced to sit on the side as Kahl “The Muffin Man” Drogo gave her friend his first batch. It was in her eyes, all too familiar of a threesome: the look of envy as he used his tool for her pleasure. The frustration she felt as she was made to see what her friend was enjoying, the way she licked her lips as she wanted so badly to get a turn. “Spread on some extra,” she tells him with a smirk.

0:23 — He turns to her and hands her what she’s been wanting for the last 23 seconds. He holds out the warm steaming muffin and extends his arm to her. Using both hands, she envelopes his fingers sensually, like a set of labias holding on to a penis. She carefully wraps her lips around his steamy creation. Eager, as she doesn’t want to give his butter (that isn’t butter) a chance to melt.

0:24 – 0:27 — He stands back and looks at both of them (because that’s what a good man is: attentive to everyone he’s pleasing) as he says, “I’m here allllll day.” Lady number two now has a smile on her face. She moves left to right ever so slightly like a school girl who just got asked to the after-school dance in the cafeteria.

0:28 — How does a good man drive his message home? He repeats it. He slams down the container of butter forcefully, a real man, lumbersexual beard and all.  He wants you coming back for more and wants you to remember that even though the exterior says one thing, the delivery of the message says another: “New and improved I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter – it’s time to believe.”

Look, ICBINB, I know what you’re doing. I’ve been watching commercials for a long time now. I’m sticking to my Country Crock Calcium with Vitamin D.

Did the commercial get the right message across?  Let’s let the YouTube comments be the judge.

youtubeYouTube Comments:

Re San: I would love some of his butter……. man butter that is.   LOL  😉

mynameis91223: Omg does anyone think that this guy looks like jesus and is this sexy? Anyone?

Jena Stein: Dear Christ where did they find this guy? He can butter my bread any day. Ughhhhhhh.

newkid22: His name is Thomas Beaudoin.

Jena Stein:  Well now, thank you. I have some googling to do 😉

Heather M.: amen to that girlfriend!!!!

Patricia Hunter: Omg he’s amazingly gorgeous!
Grant Tesler: she wants the D reallly bad
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I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter http://t.co/SOHtKllD2Q

I’d eat his muffins for sure.

Hahahaha! I remember the Fabio commercials! This is great!

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter http://t.co/PrYOcv5n4G via @venicebloggs

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter http://t.co/q8EWiuvuc1