The Mysterious Case of Couches That Eat People

coucheatsI’ve recently learned that two of my friends, let’s call them Crystal and Milhouse, have unexplained external knee injuries, which they are calling “war wounds.”   I, being the concerned friend that I am, am worried about this situation.  The only real evidence I have gathered is that Crystal and Milhouse were together at the time of these injuries and they were both caused by two separate couches.  I know this may seem vague and sketchy to most of our readers, but I, being a pretend forensic scientist, think I have puzzled together this mystery.   Gathering as much evidence as I could, below I will describe what I think happened the night Crystal and Milhouse ended up with knee injuries (which both look somewhat like rug burn).

It was a dark, rainy night and Crystal was outside sitting in her car with a flat tire and no cell phone reception.  As she put her head on her steering wheel trying to figure out her next move, she sees a house with a dimly lit window in the distance.  Although she is wearing a thick coat, she decides taking it off would make more sense, because the rain water will make it much too heavy.  Unfortunately for her, she wasn’t wearing a bra and her white undershirt was skimpy with the words, “Yes, These Babies Are Real” on the front, and  “YOLO” on the back.  She knew she had no choice, so she removed her jacket.   Quickly she jumped out of the car and ran as fast as she could to the house with the dimly lit window.  The ground is extremely slippery and Crystal loses her footing and falls knee first to the ground, sliding about five feet.  As she slides, her thick pants slide off her waist.  She gets up, pants down around her knees and nipples poking through her soaked wet shirt. She rubs her knees.  Checking herself for injury, thankfully the pockets of her jeans had slid down to her knee area almost creating a knee pad-like protection.  Not a mark.

Her pants, however, were ruined.  The button was bent and the hip area now had holes.  Crystal thought quickly and knew she couldn’t run around holding up her pants, so she wisely removed them and headed to the house with the dimly lit window.   Soaking wet, with a see through white shirt that says “Yes, These Babies Are Real”, the back, “YOLO”, and Mickey Mouse panties, she makes it to the front patio.  She knocks on the door and a man holding a light saber in one hand and a Canon camera around his neck answers.   He looks Crystal up and down and introduces himself as Milhouse. Crystal, soaking wet explains that she has a flat tire and no cell phone reception.  Milhouse understands and invites her in.

As she walks in the living room she notices a few couches, one by the fireplace, the other near the window.  Milhouse asks if she wants to build a couch fort, but Crystal declines.   She says she just needs to use the phone.  Milhouse grabs the phone and tries to hand it to Crystal.  However, his light saber accidentally cuts off her white shirt that says, “Yes, These Babies Are Real” with “YOLO” on the back.  He apologizes profusely and offers to leave the room so she can make the call.  She nods and Milhouse turns around to exit the room.  However, his foot got tangled in the phone cord and he spins out of control.  In fact, he spun so hard his pants and shirt flew off.  He hits the floor hard, knees first.   Thankfully his underwear slid down just low enough to cover his upper thighs and knees so he didn’t hurt himself.  Now nearly nude, Milhouse excuses himself from the room.  Crystal calls her husband and explains to him the situation.  While she is on the phone, she notices the couch begins to rumble and move.  Frightened, she pulls off her panties and throws it at the couch.  The couch gobbles them up.  She screams and hangs up the phone.  Milhouse runs into the room and asks what’s wrong.  Before he can get an answer, he sees his couches, both of them, alive, possessed.  He yells for Crystal to get out as he himself charges the couches.   Milhouse dives, jumping on the couch like it was a live alligator.  Wrestling with the first couch, he stabs it with his light saber, tearing the cushions into shreds.  The second couch is chasing Crystal, who is now totally nude.   She screams and falls to the floor for no reason before she can get to the door.  Milhouse turns around and throws his camera at the couch, but misses and hits Crystal on her chest, more than likely leaving a bruise.  He hops off the first possessed couch that he just killed and runs to the second.  He takes off his underwear and tries to strangle the second couch, but it throws him across the room.  Millhouse lands onto a wooden chest, which pops opens causing dildos and pussy pumps to fly across the floor.  He gets up dizzy, also nude, and tries to grab Crystal.  Both of them, struggling, crawl to the doorway, hoping to escape.   The couch grabs them, both of their feet are now stuck in the cushions.  They scream, their knees scrape against the floor, now bleeding, pulling with their hands to get away.  Crystal kicks as hard as she can and the couch shrieks in pain letting them go.  They both get up and make it outside safe.  Nude, yes, but safe, with nothing but a war wound on their knees.

In my humble, forensic scientist opinion, this is probably how these “war wounds” occurred.

However, there are other options, such as they had sex and got couch burns/rug burns.  But I’d say that is a bit too far-fetched.

If anyone else can help with any sort of explanation, please feel free to reply.

Hypothetically Speaking: The Reality of Us Swinging

SwingersAs we understand it, swinging is one couple having sexual relations with another couple. However, there are grey areas here as some single men are also in the swing lifestyle. Although I’d disagree with this, I’d consider a single man in the “get ass any way I possibly can lifestyle.” If he isn’t sharing or letting someone explore his intimate other, he isn’t swinging. I’ve heard some couples compare the single man in the swinging lifestyle to a parasite. But other than that, the crowd is usually open-minded, as you would have to be to accept other couples into your bedroom. Either way, there are different types of swinging, like there are different types of porn. You have your hard swingers and your soft swingers. Hard swinging is swapping partners, either same or different room. Full intercourse, oral, anal, whatever. Each partner swaps and they enjoy themselves however they like, or however they have set up their own personal boundaries with their partners. Soft swinging is not quite as hardcore, but it is how most swingers start out. Same room sex but you remain with your own partner. There may be some touching of other partners, female on female if the ladies are bi, and possibly oral, but that is a grey area. I’d feel oral crosses over into the hard swinging, but what if it’s just a man eating you out while your partner has sex with you. That isn’t quite like watching your husband watching you suck off another man in front of him. With the different types of oral, different boundaries, oral would still be considered soft swinging by most couples.

With that said, we are lifetime members of swinglifestyle.com but have never met with any couples. We’ve conversed and explored different ideas, but never set up any dates to meet any couple because the idea turns us on more than the actual idea of sharing. We are stingy.

Then came Twitter…

Twitter has allowed us to talk to many amazing people we would otherwise not talk to in real life. What’s even better is we get to delve into their lives via pictures and endless overlapping conversations with 140 characters or less, every letter counts, which in turn either makes you a “parts 2 and 3” tweeter or a succinct one.

With me being bi-curious and Ryan being open-minded, we can talk about our likes and dislikes about the fetishes, preferences, and people in general. Recently we had a discussion about swinging. We both agreed that we would never hard swing. Neither of us have the desire to give ourselves to anyone else. Soft swinging, on the other hand, is something we might consider since there are boundaries and no partner swapping.

With that out of the way, we discussed what we would both be comfortable with.  Ryan has no interest in seeing me suck or fuck another man, AT ALL.  He is open-minded with certain things, but he has no interest in sucking or being fucked by another man.  I understand this.   We are both stubborn, but we’d like to think we are open and very non judgemental. Neither of us would ever settle for less just to get our rocks off. A lifetime of regret isn’t worth 30 minutes of experimentation, and I plan on being with Ryan for my lifetime. It’s this same attitude that keeps either of us from cheating. We both love each other and we can openly talk about our lusts and desires without getting mad at one another. As long as I do not judge him and try to understand, he seems to be okay with opening up with me about different scenarios.

For me, the bi-girl in the other couple could do whatever she wanted with me, but her interaction with Ryan would be limited. Maybe touching him, maybe helping with oral sex, but definitely no penetration. (***this has now changed as I do not mind penetration for small periods of time as long as I am in control of his dick and using it to spoon out her juices and eat her off his dick).  I would let her kiss me with Ryan’s cum in my mouth if she wanted, but I don’t want to see Ryan ever fucking another woman. Ryan has said he is totally okay with that and has explained to me that he would not be offended if me and the girl had little to no boundaries with each other. I would let her do whatever she wanted with me, including me or her putting a strap-on on and working each other’s pussies over. I think most men, including Ryan, wouldn’t have an issue with this. But the bi-woman looking to jump in with a couple is called a “unicorn” for a reason.

As far as couples go, this is pretty simple.  Soft swinging is all we’d consider.    Us girls can play if we get along and want to.  The guys can watch (***we have moved away from the idea of soft swinging, as the idea of being watched turns us both off).   Our own personal boundaries are the same, regardless of the  female or a couple.  We have no interest in seeing the other have oral sex (***this has also changed, as I am okay with Ryan and I eating out a woman together) or sex with another person, but are definitely okay with playful touching and being licked respectfully.    This would be totally up to the other couple, as we understand our boundaries are   pretty constricted.   Otherwise, we would be into same room play and watching the other couple get off while we did the same.  That sounds kinky and fun.

I talked with Ryan today and we both decided this would be a good blog topic. Other than our faces we have been very open with our readers, trying to keep everything as authentic as we can. We aren’t the greatest couple in the world, but we are honest and sincere with our strengths and shortcomings. We may flirt on Twitter, but our love is stronger than the need for retweets. With good communication and strong boundaries it is possible to enjoy flirting and teasing others, but still be very faithful to your spouse.

What do you think?

Originally posted:  Dec, 12, 2012.

***Edited on December 9, 2013.   Look how much has changed in a year?!   Our boundaries have opened a bit but we have abandoned the idea of “soft swinging”.  Although we are open minded enough to understand why some couples do this, we learned that we are not  into being watched or playing in front of another couple.  Ryan isn’t comfortable and I absolutely only have the desire to play with other women.  Instead we have opened up our bedroom to threesomes and looking for a female partner that turns us both on and fits our mold.