Q&A: Resentful towards my wife because of boring sex and no drive to improve our sex life
I’ve been happily married for almost a decade, we have kids, house, etc. Sex has been generally great too, although limited to 1-2 positions, and we have matching high libidos. However, my wife has been very vanilla while I am fairly kinky and into exploring things. I am beginning to feel resentful towards my wife due to our now boring sex life.
Over the years I’ve made progress on my own communication and brought up the things I’ve been missing and wanted to try. It went better than I expected – my wife turned out to have her own kinks, some kinks we both wanted to try equally.
Which is where things went off the happy trajectory. We never really ended up trying nearly all those things we matched on. I’ve shopped for toys, did the reading, talked to her about it dozens of times and she usually agrees, reassures me that she really wants to do it, but it’s always either “later” or I am sent to do “more research”.
After nearly a year of trying, I can’t escape feeling very resentful. Why am I the one doing all the “research” and trying to make things work? Why do I have to be running in this loop of back and forth if in practice she doesn’t seem to be interested, whatever the underlying reason? I feel embarrassed about sharing my kinks and neither feel comfortable trying it with her anymore nor frankly not interested in plain vanilla sex either – I don’t feel too incentivized in putting the effort into pleasing my partner when my own preferences are just ignored.
Has anyone been through this? Am I just depressed and exaggerating things? Is there a way forward or is it a fundamental incompatibility? I generally wouldn’t mind living like this but it will inevitably come out when it becomes obvious I lost interest in sex.
Venice’s response to boring sex
This was pretty much our sex life 12 years into our marriage. It is extremely easy to get complacent in marriage, especially with sex. As a couple that met young and inexperienced, we started off being excited by just having sex in general. And since we started so young, it is hard to want to continue being more and more kinky, because why?! When we first had sex, I could just take off my panties and that was the most exciting thing my husband wanted. He didn’t need positions, deep throating, dom/sub role play, or any of that. Just getting sex was exciting for both of us.
Eventually my husband wanted more. Because of my complacency, lack of attention I was getting, and nothing else in our relationship had changed…why would I change and give him better sex? Why does better sex even matter other than he must be watching porn and expected too much out of me? When did I ever say I wanted kinky sex or anything more than missionary and doggy style?
Now ask me how I would treat a man if I was single, I just met him, and wanted to win him over in bed.
I would treat him like a king. I would let him anal whenever he wanted. I would let throw me in any position his heart desired. I would be enthusiastic and tell him how much I loved his dick. I would let him dominate and choke the shit out of me if he liked that. I would even cross my eyes while he did it and make goofy faces to show him I was not only into it, I loved it. I would beg to swallow him. I would learn to deep throat his dick so deep that I could fit his balls in my mouth and lick his ass all at the same time. I would do whatever it took to show him I was the best lover he could ever want.
So why would I treat the next guy better than my current husband? Why does our next boyfriends/husbands get the best sex from us?
It’s a process that sometimes takes a catalyst. In my situation, it took a catalyst. Our relationship’s catalyst was our relationship almost ending. We were friends, kind of. We had children. We appeared to be a normal family, but the reality was, we were living separate lives within the same house. He didn’t give me the attention I needed, and I didn’t give him anything extra, especially sexually. I made dinners, I was friendly, and I didn’t really argue. But sex? I wasn’t going to be a porn star for him.
But with the thought of leaving each other becoming more real, the feeling of being lonely took over my soul. I did love him. He used to be my best friend. I felt depressed and lost. I believe the same happened to him. We had this weird bonding experience that reignited our passion. Just knowing that both of us had resigned to the idea that splitting up was a real option, scared us back into being teenagers again. I fucked him with more intensity. I opened the door to every type of sex, regardless of how extreme. I learned to deep throat and face fuck. We now have a permanent role in our life and relationship, daddy / little girl. I am open to anything he brings up and feel disgusted at the old version of me. In fact, seeing on old videos we recorded together in sexual moments prior to the catalyst, embarrasses me. I had a chip on my shoulder or was resentful that he wanted to do anything with me other than fuck me missionary.
Unfortunately I do not have an answer for you. It’s going to take more than communication and research. It’s going to take a catalyst that snaps your wife back into wanting to please you. Wanting to impress you. Wanting to do things with you she absolutely would do with the next man after you, if you divorced her. The question you should be asking is how do you get your wife to appreciate you again? Do you do all the grooming you did prior to marrying her? Do you take her out and make her feel special? Do you buy her gifts and ask about her hobbies? Do you give her attention and participate in the things she loves? She isn’t going to just wake up one day and want to fuck you better when you haven’t done anything better for her. Since I do not have enough information on your situation, I will leave you with that.
Ryan’s response to boring sex
My wife probably hit the nail on the head. Your wife may need a catalyst. She sounds complacent. Now don’t run off and threaten a divorce, because using a separation or divorce as a leverage tool in your marriage is wrong. It should be something you feel is your only option and you are willing to follow through with, not just threaten. If she can’t fulfill your needs and you are beginning to resent her, a separation could help. It will make you both miss the little things you love so much about each other.
But before you do that, ask her to write out a list of all the things she wants from you. I have no idea what will be on her list, but whatever it is, work towards trying harder at the things she needs. Even if it is something as simple as watching her favorite show each week together. This will make the thought of separating much harder, since you’re trying to give her the things she said she needed. The last thing you want to do is suggest separating and she starts doing a cheer and high fiving the mirror, happy as hell she is finally getting out of there.
If she realizes that things you need are as simple as enthusiasm, a little research, and her opening her mind to trying new things sexually, she may make the change. However, is it worth your marriage to threaten a separation over your sexual needs? That would be something you need to decide. She may call her friends and say, “John said he is separating with me because I won’t research enjoying anal with him. Can you believe that?”
Feeling resentful can lead to a lot of negative things in a relationship, so measure the resent you feel and see if this is something you can live with or you want to fix. And of course there is always the approach of contacting a professional such as a marriage counselor rather than asking a sex blogging couple.