Freaky search terms, where we post our most outrageous search terms that people used to find our website. Ryan and I will then share our own thoughts and hopefully entertain you guys or at least make the search term make a little less sense.
Each search term was gathered by wordpress and/or google statistics and they are all very real search terms. Each search term was used by some person in the world that ended up on our page.
10) when do woman cum while being choked, right before passing out?
Ryan: I’ve heard after death. Most girls love it and would probably try it again if they could.
Venice: Yea, going out with a bang for sure.
Ryan: [insert disclaimer here]
Venice: We are not responsible for your stupidity.
9) straddle her face fuck her face head bang on bed post rape her face with big cock
Venice: These are the best. I really like seeing a detailed description of what a guy wants. Or girl.
Ryan: Almost as good as “Best ass gape in the world from a 10 inch girth pink dildo video”
8) after wife used large dildo she cant feel my dick
Ryan: What is, what all my ex’s next boyfriend complained about?
Venice: Ha! Jeopardy?
Ryan: Large Dildo’s for 500 please.
Venice: What is…if she can’t feel your dick now, she probably never could.
Ryan: Dang. Game over.
7) is it same to swallow your own semen doctor
Venice: I’m not sure what he’s trying to say here: “Is it SAFE to swallow your own semen doctor” or “Is it SANE to swallow your own semen doctor”? Either way, the answer is yes.
Ryan: Sounds like he is asking us if he can swallow his semen doctor.
Venice: If that’s the case, the answer is no. You don’t know where his hands have been.
6) can i swallow my bf cum while being on coke
Ryan: I heard that if you swallow cum while you are on coke your stomach will explode.
Venice: Or Alka-Seltzer and pop rocks.
5) thots swallowing cum
Venice: If I would have seen this a few years ago, I would have assumed the questions was supposed to be “Thoughts on swallowing cum”
But in keeping up with slang from the internetz, a thot is an acronym for “that ho over there.” I think any woman who swallows your cum is a keeper, just my opinion.
Ryan: I’m not hip to this lingo.
4) menfuck chicken pet
Venice: Our readers are disgusting.
Ryan: Sick.
Venice: Any more like this?
Ryan: I don’t know, looking now.
Venice: Okay good, find another one worse.
Ryan: Hell yea.
3) how to fuck your wife with a small dick
Ryan: Rabbit style.
Venice: Yea, nothing like a small penis going rabbit style on your pussy. Sounds like your creating a bunch of Don Juans Ryan.
Ryan: Monkey Style. I do that pussy like a Wu-Tang album.
Venice: Okay Ol’ Dirty Ryan.
2) wife wants a squirting dildo for me
Venice: I want one too!
Ryan: Uh, I don’t think so. Unless they make a pinky squirting dildo, you can keep wanting it. 1 finger only girl.
Venice: Don’t worry, Ryan.
Ryan: I’m not worried.
Venice: I would make flavored semen, like Strawberry Kiwi BLAST or Banana CREAMPIE. LOL
Ryan: Don’t you think that will make your face sticky?
Venice: Or yours.
Ryan: Negative.
Venice: You are about 2 seconds from being peed on right now if you don’t stop.
Ryan: …
1) i stick my penis into my wife vagina whole night and sleep what happen in the morning
Ryan: Think Jack and the Beanstalk.
Venice: Wait, are you saying that if you leave your penis in my vagina over night I will be able to grow a beanstalk into the bonus level, jump on clouds, and collect gold coins?
Ryan: No, I wasn’t saying that but… fucking awesome.
Venice: Warp zone bitch.
Ryan: And that’s why I love you.
Years ago, when Venice and I were still dating, we explored each other’s bodies daily. I had never really touched my body, my testicles, and as I already mentioned in a previous article, I 
The doctor, an Asian lady that resembled Lucy Liu, asked if she was interrupting something. Like two shamed school kids, we both looked down and shook our heads no. She then asked me what my reasons were for coming in that day. I explained to her that we found a lump in my testicles and wanted to know if I was dying. She asked me to stand up and remove my pants so she could have a look.
Not to be a pervert, but I can see why Seargent Tucker seemed to be having so many penis problems himself. This doctor was adorable. I started counting sheep in my head trying not to think about anything sexual. I was extremely embarrassed about exposing myself to a doctor, as the only person that had ever seen me nude was Venice, but I guess you can say I have this thing for Asian women. Doctor or no doctor, I said a small prayer asking the Lord to please help me control my penis so it does not make any sudden movements. I pulled my pants down and watched the doctor eyeball my penis and testicles. She fondled me for a few moments and couldn’t find the lump. I asked if I could show her where, and she nodded. I put my finger on the area of the lump and she placed her hand where I was pointing. She confirmed she also felt a lump and asked me to lay down. I still had my pants halfway down to my knees and wobbled my way to the patient table. I looked over to Venice, who was making her tongue poke out the side of her cheek inside her mouth, to suggest a blow job, and gave her a dirty look. As I laid there naked, exposed to the doctor who was fondling my balls, with my girlfriend watching, I wanted to disappear from earth. I hated every second of it. I really felt even more stupid when I found out there was nothing wrong with my testicles and it was merely a bent vein in my sac that hardens (when my testicles are not fully sagging) when I stand up.
The other day, Ryan (Mahal) and I were looking through his box of memories. It was filled pictures of me through various stages of my life, movie stubs, receipts from local movie rental stores, postage from care packages, candy wrappers, and letters I’d written to him while he was away at college. Sometimes on a roll of cash register paper that he’d have to unfurl to read, sometimes on cardboard packaging, and sometimes on college ruled paper. We spent most of that night looking at his memories. He cried a few times as he remembered how in love we were, and still are. It’s like we blinked and we went from being giddy teenagers without a care in the world to being married, raising our young, and spending our days together doing yard work and taking vacations and caring for each other.
If you have not had a blowjob for a bunch of years, don’t give up all hope.
Ryan and I went out to eat last night at our local wings bar. As we made our way home, we saw a huge, gray mass in the sky hovering near our house. Flashes of lightning lit up the sky as we pulled up into the driveway. The wind picked up when we got into the house and I feared one of the pine trees in the backyard would surely topple over. Thunder shook the house; I thought Ryan was hitting the wall from behind the closet door. It felt was that close. As I put some french fries in the oven for everyone to eat with the hamburgers I made the night before, the lights flickered for a split second. But I wasn’t worried because this is very normal and very expected during a storm.
So I began moving my arms and legs. My mind started to feed on itself. “Is that a light out there? Or is that lightning? Is someone out there with a flashlight? Are they going to break in and kill us like in ‘The Strangers’ with Liv Tyler? How fast can I get in the house, grab my phone so I can call 911, gather my kids into Ryan’s closet while he gets the gun loaded? It’s the light again! That’s not lightning! What if my legs are too wobbly to make it out of the garage? What if I trip over the bottle water? There’s the light again! Can they hear my elliptical machine from out there? Should I tell Ryan? I don’t want to die without pants on! There goes the light ag–WHO THE FUCK IS OUT THERE?!?!”