Category: All Sex Talk

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November 2, 2012

Taxi Cab Confessions

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Cab
The romantic cab setting.

After spending a few hours at a club in Downtown San Diego, my husband and I head back home. We drove our car, but we both decided to drink and take a taxi home. It is a humid evening and my husband is wearing a black and white plaid shirt with black jeans and I am wearing a short black skirt with a white halter top. As we stand outside of the club and wait for the taxi, drunk, we laugh at the people still waiting to get in. My husband’s breath smells like gum and White Russians as I kiss his soft, smooth lips and nibble on the edges. I move down his neck and smell the sweet aroma of his cologne mixed with his warm sweat. I undo his top button and lick his chest. We start kissing and my husband moves his hands up and down my back as I squeeze the bulge in his pants. The people in line stare at us making gasping sounds, but we are oblivious. I hear the faint brake as the taxi pulls up to the curb behind me. Ryan opens the door for me and I step in first. The air conditioner is on and it circulates the pina colada air freshener. The leather seats are cracked and sticky under my thighs. The cabbie, who is middle-aged with a scruffy beard and wearing an old Polo shirt, asks, “Where to?”   My husband gives him our address and looks back at me. I see his name with his picture on the dashboard: Robert Jones. “And take the scenic route, Mr. Jones,” I add. He puts the car in drive and accelerates away from the club. 

I reach for the lump under my husband’s pants again as I kiss him, “I can’t wait to fuck you Ryan,” I say. “I want you right now.” The cabbie hears the clicking of my husband’s buckle as I undo his belt. At first the he’s uncomfortable because he knows that I’ve pulled my man’s dick out. I put my warm mouth on it and immediately he starts to moan quietly. The cabbie looks into the rear view mirror and his suspicions are right: it is just  in the reflection with his eyes closed and his head tilted back. I reach under to rub my husband’s balls and he moans louder. I slide my mouth down lower, working my way to the base of his dick. My husband’s breathing is getting more intense as my lips get closer to his crotch. I sit up on my knees and now my ass is up in the air; it’s a lot easier to deep throat him now. I lower my mouth inch by inch and gag on his cock. My eyes start to water. It takes me a few tries but I finally swallow him down into my throat. I love feeling it deep in my mouth. I move my throat muscles and massage my husband’s cock. He reaches around and rubs the outside of my pussy lips. When he pulls his fingers away, my froth makes his fingers slick and slippery. I am dripping all over him. My husband sticks two fingers in me and they instantly become coated with the clear, sweet juices that ooze out of me as I swallow his cock.”Your pussy is so fucking wet, girl,” he says to me.  I look up at him and respond, “I only get wet for you,” before I swallow his entire manhood again. My husband lifts my skirt up over my back and exposes me. He licks his fingers clean and sticks them back in me. He fucks me with his fingers, quickly going in and out of me. I’m so wet that the cabbie can hear the loud smacking coming from between my legs. He looks at the rear view mirror and sees my husband’s hand sliding in and out of my pussy. He wants to turn around so bad to get a look at my clean shaven pussy, but he’s still afraid to. Ryan’s moans sound like helpless whimpers now. I bob my head up and down, every other thrust gliding his dick down my throat and covering him in slippery spit. The cabbie finally turns around and gets a glimpse of my ass, but it’s too dark. He sees my husband look at him and is embarrassed, but he can’t help but turn around again. “I want to fuck you so bad Ryan! Let me fuck you, PLEASE!” I beg. But I don’t wait. I straddle my husband’s thighs and sit on him reverse cowgirl. It’s a smooth dip onto his hard cock as the cabbie sees my hands grasp the headrest of the passenger seat. I moan in ecstasy and immediately feel his 8 plus inches hit the back of my vagina. I rock my hips as my nails dig into the seat in front of me. The cabbie undoes his pants too and pulls out his own dick. There is a thick puff of dark hair that sits under his shirt and leading down to his pubic area. He looks like he has never shaved in his life. His dick is short and thick; as he strokes it the cab slows down and we veer slightly to the right and into the other lane. “Keep your eyes on the damn road,” My husband orders him. His eyes go back and forth between my rising and falling body, my husband’s face in the mirror, and the road in front of him. I bounce on my husband faster and harder without trying to hit my head on the roof of the cab. I rest my head on the seat and let my husband grind in me. “Give me your finger,” I demand.  My husband obeys and I leave slimy spit on his finger down to his knuckle. “Stick it in my ass, baby. Let me feel you in both holes.” Ryan happily does it and now I’m whining in pleasure just inches from the cabbie’s face. “Fuck me hard, Ryan!”  My husband speeds up the pace of his pumping cock and the sound of my thighs landing on his legs echoes in the cab. I’m breathing hard; every time my husband’s dick beats deep into my pussy, he jars my body, making my breaths sound like hiccups. “Fuck my ass hard Ryan…show me how deep and far  you are going to cum in me!”

 

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November 2, 2012

Oral Sex Techniques

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OralOral Sex Techniques

Fellatio [fuh-ley-shee-oh]: noun
1. oral stimulation of the penis, especially to orgasm

Oral sex is a powerful tool which can be used during foreplay or by itself to bring your man to full ejaculation.  It’s not as simple as putting your mouth on a dick and making him cum with by pure will and stamina.  The first section includes helpful tips to help build your fellatio game. The second section is different techniques.  Try these on your man and see what he likes.  Once you’ve mastered one, move on to the next one.  Eventually you will be combining two or more during oral sex, giving yourself more “bed cred.”  

1.   Positioning.  Find a position that will allow you to be comfortable.  This is probably the most basic trick you’ll have to master when it comes to oral sex because if you’re not comfortable, he won’t be either.  One way is to have him sit on the couch while you kneel on the floor between his legs.  This position is comfortable for the both of us.  The only shortfall is having to transition to the bed.  I used to have a lot of trouble sucking my man off when he was laying on the bed.  When I’m facing him and between his legs, my neck tends to get tired, my forearm muscles get numb, and shoulders get cramped.  I ended up having to constantly change positions, stop and go again and again, which disrupted him, throwing him off.  I found a simple solution to this problem: shit talking.

2.  Shit-talking.  Talking shit to your man is filler time.  This gives your mouth, neck, jaw, back and all areas which tend to ache with short, but repetitive use, a little bit of recovery time.  If I need a break from the bobbing, the sucking, the deepthroating, I stop.  But I don’t just sit there and do nothing.  I stroke his dick.  I massage under his prostate.  I run my fingers up and down his thighs.  I press down on his ass hold. And now that my mouth is free, I shit-talk.  “Tell me you want my mouth back on your dick.”  “Don’t look at me.  Keep your eyes closed before I put a pillow on your face.” “You want to cum in my mouth bad, don’t you?  Be patient, and I might let you.”  Talking shit empowers you when you’re in a position that is traditionally submissive.  Go ahead.  Ask him, “Who sucks your dick better than me?” and see what he says.

3.  Get into it.  Show your enthusiasm.  Let your man know you love sucking his di ck.  Moan with his dick in your mouth.  It may sound like you’re saying, “Mmm..mmMMmm..mmmmm. Mmm-hmmm. Mmmmmmm…!” But what you’re really saying is, “Oh, my God, yes! Give me some more of this juicy dick.” When you get the chance to shit talk, you don’t have to actually say words.  You can moan with pleasure, too!  If your man knows you absolutely love him in your mouth, it helps with the excitement.  

4.  Tell him what you’re doing.  And similarly, tell him what you’re going to do or want to do.  You know what you’re doing.  He knows what you’re doing.  It’s obvious you’re performing oral sex.  But what exactly are you doing?  “You like it when I stroke your dick fast like this?  Or slow like this?” “I’m going to take this froth off your dick and use it like lipstick.”  “Should I put both your balls in my mouth or just one?” “I’m going to sit on your face and make you suck on my clit.”  Bombard him with the nasty things you want to do to him.  

5.  Describe what’s going on with his body.  I didn’t realize until Ryan asked me one day as I was stroking him, “Is my dick hard?”  It took me by surprise because I figured he’d be able to tell by the way my hand moved up and down on his shaft.  So from then on, I made it a point to give him a play-by-play of what his body was doing. “You’re starting to get thick and heavy in my mouth.  I can feel it growing every time I suck hard.  You like when I lick right there, don’t you?  Because I can see your goose bumps.  Your balls are moving up and tightening.  You’re ready to cum now, aren’t you?”  Not only is he feeling what’s going on, but now you’ve given him a visual with his kinesthetic experience.

 6.  “Give” him control.  Ladies, whether you realize it or not, you have so much power.  When a man lets you between his legs, he is entrusting you with the most cherished part of his own body.  You are the one between his legs. You are the one who dictates how fast or slow you move, and therefore, how quickly he can cum.  You are certainly the ones in control and your man knows it.  Change things by role-reversing.  “Baby, please let me have your cum? Do  you want me to beg you?  Ok then, please give me your cum?  I’ve been  a good girl today, I need to have it.  I need to taste it, please!  Don’t keep your cum to yourself.  If I deepthroat your cock, will you give me your hot cum?” I may even go so far as whining for it, like a little kid begging his mama for a new toy.

7.  Look!  No hands!  Let go of his penis completely and pretend you’re a contestant on Fear Factor: Fellatio Edition.  Start by putting your mouth on the base and nibble your way up like it’s an ear of corn.  If it drops, start over. Hold his dick skin between your lips like you’re rolling lipstick (be careful not to pinch him too hard) and “swing” it back and forth.  Slide up as high as you can and down as low as you can without using your hands.  It becomes a challenge to not use your hands to control where his dick goes, especially when it’s hard. But you can display your oral talents without the use of anything but your mouth.

8.  Look!  Both hands!  You have two hands.  Use them!  If you have a free  hand, use it to cup the balls, press down on his prostate area, do something.  I like to use both hands to grab my man’s dick, right hand over left like I’m holding a bat.  Slowly twist your hands in a circular motion, in opposite directions.  Don’t grab tight or else you’ll end giving him an Indian burn.  Finally, put your mouth on his dick head and suck (how much head you can put in your mouth is dependent on the size of your man).  There are many ways to use both hands; the possibilities are endless.

 

More Oral Sex Techniques

In addition to the above, there are so many oral techniques I use on Ryan, so this section will be updated often.  As you can see, deepthroating is a prerequisite to many of these techniques, therefore adding to the variety for and pleasure to Ryan.  

Deepthroating in and of itself is a technique that requires a lot of skill and therefore has its own article dedicated to it (see article “Deepthroating – My Introduction”)

Face fucking is also a stand-alone technique (see article “Face Fucking”) and a favorite of mine.  Remember, face fucking doesn’t necessarily have be done is a submissive position; you can stand, kneel, squat, etc.  Once you become more experienced, you’ll be able to gauge at which points your throat can handle the ramming of an erect dick.

Ball tickler. Using one hand, you will be holding both balls and his penis.  Bend the penis before it gets to hard and arm it up.  Pull and stretch both balls up near his penis head. This will create both balls and the penis head to all be in one area.  You can lick down the middle and lick his head and balls at the exact same time.  If your mouth is big enough (or he is small enough), it might be possible to put both balls and his penis head in your mouth at the same time.  I cannot do this, but it’s definitely possible.   I like to do this especially when Ryan has just shaved his balls.  Fun fact: the skin on the penis and the scrotum are the same.

Figure 8.  [A prerequisite to this technique is deepthroating]  Performing a Figure 8 may be uncomfortable, so I don’t recommend you do this unless you’re 100% comfortable with your throat and what you can handle.  Once you’re all the way down, turn your head side to side in a figure 8 pattern.  I say that this may be uncomfortable because his dick is going to hit all sides of your throat causing a clicking sensation in your neck.

Frenulum.  The frenulum is the underside of the penis.  Slowly licking the frenulum hits a sensitive spot on a man.

Give him a vagina. [A prerequisite to this technique is deepthroating] This technique is for the more experienced deepthroaters. I’ve seen pictures from his point of view and it really does look like he has a vagina, like his penis is completely gone. 

Hickey. This involves sucking your man’s dick very hard as if you’re giving him a hickey.  Hold the sucking tightness and slowly move your mouth off his dick.  The suction should be enough to where you’d leave a hickey if this were to be done on his neck.  It is very intense, so make sure your partner likes this type of sensation.  Sometimes Ryan likes it slow and soft, sometimes he asks me to suck the skin off his cock.

Jugular. This technique is easier to do while his dick isn’t completely hard. To correctly do this technique, you’ll have his dick in your mouth (not necessarily deep toward your throat) while simultaneously licking his balls. As you can imagine, the harder your man is, the harder it would be to do this. And conversely, the smaller his dick is, even when he’s fully erect, the more of his dick will fit in your mouth as you lick his balls.  This is called jugular because he won’t be in your throat, but rather it will “feel” like he’s in your neck.

Jump rope. This is when you keep his dick in your mouth while licking his body in a 360 degree angle; his dick will move clockwise. Start licking at 12 o’clock; your tongue will be on right side of his dick. As you move clockwise, your tongue will end up on the left side. When it does, you pull your tongue back into your mouth and over to the original starting position (on the left side).

Hummer. [A prerequisite to this technique is deepthroating] By now you’ve realized that a true deepthroat won’t allow you to breathe. But there is a point before the actual deepthroat where you can breathe. When you get to that point, start to hum. This causes a vibration on his dick and, according to Ryan, tickles in a good way.

Murder sounds.  [Prerequisites to this technique are deepthroating, jugular, woodpecker and/or washing machine]  To get a real good murder sound, you’ll have to have your man’s dick in your throat, but as you come up, try to “talk.”  You won’t be able to of course, but it will sound like you’re being murdered, drowned, choked, etc.  It’s a turn on to appear to be dominated.  I like to “scream” as loud as I can when being deepthroated because it is, to me, a self-inflicted masochistic maneuver.

Another variation is drowning.  Instead of going down as far as you can onto his dick, go down about an inch into a deepthroat and bob up and down in short, quick bursts before coming up for about one second. Repeat.   Each time you come up, breath and“scream.”  To me, it sounds as if someone is trying to drown me.

Nose diving.   [A prerequisite to this technique is deepthroating]  This is a 69 position with Ryan on the bottom.  As his dick is in my throat, I lift up my legs and my nose is buried in his balls.  Knowing your man’s dick and how it’s shaped will help in learning how to nose dive.

Pee hole.  This is merely sticking the tip of your tongue as far as you can down his urethra (a.k.a. the pee hole).  It’s a simple and pleasurable technique, for some men.  Some guys may not like the sensation, as my husband has said it feels very  unnatural tp feel tongue slide inside his body.  He loves it, depending on the mood he is in.  Know your man’s penis and his moods.

Washing machine. [A prerequisite to this technique is deepthroating] The washing machine is similar to the woodpecker, but instead of coming up a few inches, you’ll come up as high as you can while keeping his dick in your mouth, then going back all the way down. Do this repeatedly.  When you get really good at this, you will be slamming your nose into his pubic bone, then moving all the way off his dick until you feel his head touch your lips, then sliding it all the way back down again.  As you move up and down, you can also twist your head and put his dick through the spin cycle.  This is a very high-level technique because of the roughness on your throat.  Have fun, find the right angle, and be careful.   

Woodpecker. [A prerequisite to this technique is deepthroating] Once you’ve learned “give him a vagina,” you’ll be able to do the woodpecker. The woodpecker requires you to put your nose to his crotch as you deepthroat, but as you come up, you’ll only lift up about two inches and then go back down. Do that repeatedly and you have the woodpecker.  This technique is very similiar to the washing machine, except you barely come off the penis and he can feel your nose almost like vibrating on his crotch and pubic bone.

If this wasn’t enough for you and you want to see everything there is to know about giving the perfect blow job, read The Blow Job Bible.

November 2, 2012

Guys With Small Penises Seek Out Younger Girls

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Statue of David
David would love younger women

First, I would like to say that I do not have to measured any man’s penis to know what he is packing, his actions speak louder than any ruler ever could. I suppose you could say the title is more of a mental penis size rather than his actual penis length, although I wouldn’t be shocked if physically, it is true as well. Really, how much could a mental midget be packing?A confident man doesn’t chase little girls, and by little girls I am talking about that 27-year-old man chasing a 17-year-old high school girl. In some states it’s legal, but it’s still hilarious. 

Could you imagine how this date would go?

[Justin Bieber ringtone] “Hello? Yes, we can go out tonight, but first I have to finish my pre-Algebra homework and my friend Misty wants me to DVR the new Hannah Montana episode. I think she’s going to reveal her identity!  But that should be done by about 9 o’clock. I have to be back home by 9:30.  Do you think that will be enough time for us to go to Dairy Queen?”

A 17-year-old-girl doesn’t have much to offer a 27-year-old man, and that includes anything in the bedroom. What exactly does a man want from a younger girl? I think it’s less about what he wants and more about him mentally never growing up. He wants to be young, he wants to fuck a girl who won’t judge him for his small cock. He wants to be able to ejaculate prematurely and make her feel good about it, like she is so hot he can’t control himself. Oh, how a young girl will eat this bullshit up and believe every word of it. 

A man wants to dominate his woman. A man wants to be the king of his domain. A man wants to pull out his penis in front of his partner and immediately watch her eyes grow with excitement. A man wants to hear his woman tell him he is the biggest she has ever felt, whether she means it or not. A confident man, on the other hand, doesn’t care if she means it. A confident man doesn’t care about his partner’s past, because he is confident with his own tool, his own body, that he can fuck her and know that she has never been fucked better. He can dig his dick deep in body and watch her wiggle her butt to try and escape the impact in the back of her vagina. A real man doesn’t premature ejaculate or ejaculate at all until his partner is ready. 

If had I to choose between a mature hottie who knows all the ins and outs of a  man’s body or a fresh out of high school diva, I’d go with the mature hottie. I  can’t imagine what it would be like to pull your penis out in front of an 17-year-old, who can’t really see much (for various reasons — size being one of them) because she wants to keep the lights off and hump in the dark. Eventually you slither into bed and turn on your cell phone to pretend to check your urgent messages, hoping the light will flash near your tiny penis and she will get a glance of your package. The only problem is, the light  freaks her out and she pulls the cover up higher on her neck  so you do not see that her breasts are slightly crooked or giggle at that embarrassing mole near her inner thigh. Hey, but at least you get to fuck her right? So you get up and try to convince her to touch your little dick so you can get an erection, but she is too giggly. She eventually touches the tip and snickers then asks, “Is that good?” 
 
Yea, that’s real good. You just added yourself to the same list as a pair of dirty boxers that touch the tip of his dick everyday. The thing is, a pair of dirty boxers don’t giggle and annoy the fuck out of him.

Oral sex? Forget about it. Unless you are dealing with a bona fide young slut who somehow managed to study her stepfather’s porn he kept stashed in the shed outside of their trailer, good oral sex is out of the question. 

A real woman learns over the years. She learns how a fat dick feels, how a long dick feels, and how to suck a dick perfectly. She learns how to slide her body around on your penis, no matter what size, to enjoy herself as much as possible. She isn’t shy anymore, she doesn’t want the lights off, she doesn’t hide under the sheets, and she has accepted her big floppy crooked breasts and fat ass.  When you are between her legs she pulls your hair and forces you to lick that embarrassing mole on her inner thigh. If you cum early? She rolls over and hits you in the face with a pillow and demands you eat her out until she gets off. A real woman is a challenge, a challenge a mental midget isn’t up too. 
 
If you disagree, you probably have a small penis.

November 2, 2012

Red-Headed She-Devil

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Redhead
Reenactment of DM at office Christmas party
Long before I met my wife, I worked for a somewhat large company which I will not name.  I was single so I would flirt with a few co-workers and eventually got a reputation as the office ladies’ man.  Although it wasn’t true, the moniker was flattering.  I’ve never really been attracted to blond girls, which if I recall, most of the single women in this office were.  I guess the fact none of these women were really my type gave me a bit more confidence to be extra charming and witty.   I met up with some of them after work, but beyond a few long nights and a couple of drinks, I made it clear I wasn’t looking for a relationship.   Not with them at least.  Soon I’d try my luck with the district manager, a slightly older redhead, who would stop by our office every few Fridays to make sure things were going okay.   I am not sure if it was the power of her being my boss or her hot little body that tempted me to flirt, but I know it wasn’t her red hair.   Since I was a kid I’ve had this fear of redheads.  I am not sure if in preschool or day care I had a redhead that would watch over me, possibly beating me if I yelled too loud or ate a crayon or something.  Some kids were afraid of clowns and creepy dolls, I was afraid of redheads.  Although I knew I shouldn’t have, I’d always compliment my DM’s outfit and asked if she was staying in town for the weekend.  Of course she’d say no, she was just in town for the day.  I’d act disappointed, but really it was all a game.  Like with the other ladies in the office, I wasn’t interested, especially with her being a bit pale and redheaded.    One Friday, the district manager was in town.  She came into my office and as usual, she asked how things were going and I replied, “They are going great now that you are here.”   I smirked a bit, knowing my little flirtations wouldn’t amount to much.   “So, are you going to stay in town this weekend or am I going to have to drive up to your place?”   I laughed again and sort of winked as I said it.  I figured that would be that, she would decline and move elsewhere in the office.  

Instead, she immediately replied, “Actually, I was thinking about you before I came down and decided to myself, if Mr. Smith asks me out to dinner tonight I will accept.”   

WHAT THE FUCK.   You have got to be fucking kidding me.   I said that in my head for sure, but my mouth said, “Sounds great!” 

If you’ve seen the movie “3 o’clock High,” that’s how I watched the clock.  It seemed to move in double time.  For the rest of day, I noticed the DM walking casually stopping and looking in my office.  I tried to avoid eye contact, but it seemed like she stand there until I looked up and smile.  My smile was an uncomfortable smile, but I don’t think she noticed.  Hers was a controlling, overbearing grin.   I felt like I was five-years-old again and hungry for crayons.  My fear kicked in and I absolutely did not want to go out with this woman.   As the little boy inside my head told me to run for the door and leave my cell phone on the office desk so she couldn’t call, the grown man told me to man up and get over my fears.  It wasn’t like I had to fuck her or anything.  Sit through dinner, get out as fast as I can, and enjoy the rest of my weekend.

That afternoon, as we were closing up the office, she asked if we should ride together.  She suggested leaving her vehicle there and picking it up later.  I told her that may not be a good idea because of office gossip.  I suggested we take our own vehicles and meet at the restaurant.   I knew I had to get there first so I called her from the car and gave her bad directions.   This gave me plenty of time to get inside the bar and grill and work the bar a bit.   

After she showed up about 30 minutes late, I was definitely buzzed and feeling great.  The restaurant was a bit dark, and she looked a bit less pale, and a bit more brunette.  The alcohol was kicking in.  I thought to myself, Maybe this isn’t such a bad thing.   She sat next to me and ordered a salad and a pina colada.  I apologized for the wrong directions and asked where she was staying for the night.  She looked at me and said, “Your place.”   I laughed a bit and she made a joke about me wanting to get drunk before dinner.  I played it off and replied, “I couldn’t handle a woman like you sober.   You make me too nervous.”   She laughed and said she was warned about the office flirt.   

After about 30 minutes of small talk and drinks, she asked if we could go to my place.  I panicked a bit and told her I live with my parents.  Although I had been out of my parents’ house for years, my drunken mind couldn’t think of a better answer.  She laughed hysterically and patronized me.  “Oh, the big office ladies’ man lives with his parents!”  She laughed again.  “How does coming back to the boss’ hotel room sound?”  I felt trapped, especially because she was my boss.  I responded that I would make sure she got to her hotel safe and that I had to be home early tonight.  Tipsy, she replied that I was so young and probably had a curfew.   I didn’t respond, but she then added, “It’s okay, I imagine this won’t take long.”   I assumed she meant finding a hotel, but I guess it could have been regarding my age and me not lasting long in bed.   

We left the restaurant and headed to a hotel.  She came out to my car after she got her room and asked me to come inside.  My buzz was already wearing off and she was turning back into the abusive pre-k teacher that used to beat me with a ruler.   I declined and reminded her that it may be a bad idea with her being my boss and all.  She looked at me and said “If you were smart, that’s the exact reason it’s a good idea.”  

Was that a threat?  I wasn’t sure, but a bit foggy-minded, I agree and went up to her hotel room.  As I walked into the room she shut the door behind me and tried to rip off my shirt.   Unlike the movies, my polo shirt didn’t have buttons to rip away, and I almost fell to the floor after she yanked.  It was almost like a hockey toss.  I asked what the hell she was doing and she responded drunkenly me to shut up.   I felt trapped by this she-devil and suddenly had an urge to escape.  My fear had come full circle and although she thought what she was doing sexy, I was terrified.  She ripped off her skirt and panties before I could get off the floor.  I tried to get up but she immediately hopped on top of me and shoved her panties in my mouth.  I tried to gag them out but she is held her hands tightly over my face, clawing her fingernails over my cheeks.   She then stood up, putting her foot on my throat.  I saw her bright red bush hovering over me and turned my head to the side like a baby refusing his medicine.  She immediately squatted down and I saw what appeared to be a dagger wound between her thighs covered with red hair.   This was my worst fear and the ugliest vagina I had ever seen.  She rubbed herself on my face, demanding me to stick my tongue inside her.  I refused and tried to get out the words, “condom…..”    She seemed to ignore my request and forced my pants down to my knees.  She pulled my penis out from my boxer hole and forced her mouth on it.  I tried my hardest to not enjoy, but the sensation was too much.   I again asked her to please let me get a condom, and she finally stopped and acknowledged me.  She turned around and said I have one minute.    I got up and waddled to the bathroom with my pants around my ankles.  I was unsure why I didn’t leave immediately.  Whether it was the alcohol reasoning or just the fear, I told myself to put on two condoms and fake ejaculate as soon as I could.  She knew I was young and wouldn’t last long, she insinuated that herself.  I got myself situated and walked out of the bathroom.  I kicked off my pants, which were still down around one leg and looked around the corner.  She jumped out again, fully nude, and threw me on the bed.   I saw her breasts for the first time, but I couldn’t see her nipples.  I am not sure if her nipples matched her pale skin tone, or if she had a thousand nipples that look liked freckles.  Either way, I decided to just close my eyes and think of another woman.

She hopped on me and forced her vagina down on my semi-hard penis. She looked down at me and said she was going to fuck me better than I had ever been fucked.  Her breath smelled awful.  If I could mix a tad bit of ginger with some alcohol and a truckload of horse shit together, that would be her breath.   I felt nauseous.  I began to count down in my head, “10 missisippi, 9 mississippi….” As slow as possible, preparing to fake cum.   I would have started from a higher number but I wasn’t sure if I could stay conscious long enough to finish my count.   Unsure of how to fake an orgasm, I began to twitch and moan.   I yelled out that I was cumming and she immediately started to choke me with her hands.  I remember her saying something like, “You little bitch boy, my pussy is so good you can’t hold your sperm in your balls for five minutes for me?”  I nodded and continued to twitch.   Although my penis was never fully erect, it was progressively getting more flaccid the longer I saw her nude on top of me.   As she felt my penis slide out of her, she got up, laughed and said, “Office flirt huh?”  and slapped my ass. 

I got up, feeling a bit confused and went to the bathroom.   I took my time hoping she would be able to put some clothes on before I got out; I really didn’t want to see another redhead in my life, especially nude.  I took off both condoms and threw them in the trash.  I washed my crotch with soap and hot water, as hot as I could stand it.   I am not sure why she would leave her own room, but maybe she will just leave town or something.  I walked back out into the room and she was lying on the bed fully nude, both legs up in the air with her ass and vagina exposed, rubbing herself.   As I glanced I noticed that her anus looked like a fish mouth with bright red lipstick covered with a red goatee.   She demanded I come lick her everywhere and get her off.   I felt extremely sick and told her I had to leave.   She got up immediately and said, “Fine then, you selfish fuck.”   She walked to the bathroom and slammed the door.  I grabbed my pants and searched around for my shirt.   When I found my shirt, she stormed out of the bathroom holding both condoms in her hand.  I asked her what she was doing and she said, “YOU DID NOT CUM IN THESE!”   Playing dumb, I asked if there was a hole in it.  She then said, “No, there is no hole, I don’t see any cum in here at all.”   A bit startled, I asked her if she seen Finding Nemo.   As men, we dump our semen down the toilet in the slight chance one of our boys make it to the ocean.  She then said, “I smelled both of them, there is no semen smell!”  

I quickly replied, “I eat a lot of pineapples.”

She then looks at me with her evil eyes and says, “I tasted them!” 

Oh my god, this she-devil is insane.  I made a final attempt at redeeming myself, “So maybe you tasted the wrong side.  When I take them off, they flip inside out!”

She ran at me full speed holding a condom in each hand, swinging them as hard as she could and said, “I tasted both sides!!!”

I dropped my shirt and tried to scramble past her.  She scratched my back and hit me in the face with both condoms over and over before I can finally get by her and to the door.  I jumped out into the hallway and ran out to my car.  

Although I loved my job, a few weeks later I was terminated for reasons unrelated to this incident. 

The moral of this story? Redheads are soulless.

*This story was created as a joke.  Although it’s sexual in nature, we just wanted to make people laugh.  

November 2, 2012

12 Date Night Ideas

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Date night
Date night.

1. No money? No problem! Like many couples, we didn’t have the luxury of spending money. In fact, we scrimped and saved so much that we had very, very few date nights. So one day, we went to Toys R Us and bought a coloring book and a box of crayons. The Crayola 64-pack, to be exact. We splurged. That night, Mr. Smith and I colored, he on the left pages and I on the right. Then we played a game of “let’s see who can name the most crayon colors without looking at the label.” I don’t remember who won. It was probably me though.

2. Record Hunting. Who would have thought I’d see another Fleetwood Mac record after I moved out of my parents’ house? Digging for records is something we enjoy doing together. We look for imperfections, scratches on the record, dented cover art – these were made 20-30 years ago, and finding them in the best condition is very difficult. We find it relaxing.

3. Blockbuster Night. Or a Netflix night, even a Redbox night. I could watch a zombie movie or a comedy, or one of each. Nothing like finding an excuse to squeeze Mr. Smith’s hand or have him cover my eyes. Another idea is to have a theme, like a Russell Crowe-a-thon or movies from the 80s. Have your remote controls ready and don’t forget your popcorn.

4. Bookworming. Another relaxing date is hanging out at the bookstore. It doesn’t matter if it’s Books-a-Million or a used book store. We usually don’t end up buying any books, maybe a magazine and a coffee.

5. Level up. We can spend an entire night playing video games. Revisit your childhood together by playing a video game. If it’s a one-player game you’ll have to pass the paddle; two-player games are even better.

6. Free events. The calendar on our city’s website has a list of free events: poetry readings, recitals, exhibitions, etc. You can plan them several months in advance so if you don’t feel like spending a ton of money or you’re looking for a change from the ordinary,

7. Thrift shopping. One year we decided to wear cheesy Christmas sweaters to our holiday parties. We just knew that it wouldn’t be a problem finding them. But believe it or not, they ranged between $20-$60 that year on eBay. Umm…no. Our local Goodwill had them, of course. And for $3. I wouldn’t really consider this a date night, but it’s still something fun to do without spending a lot of money.

8. Turn up the heat. In the kitchen, that is. The Food Network has a lot of meals that are inexpensive, quick, with ingredients that are available at your local grocery store. I’ve used the Food Network website to come up with appetizers, meals, and desserts. It’s a trial and error thing, but it’s a great way to put variety in your dinner dates.

9. Go camping. Tents can be pricey. Before we bought our own, we rented one and pitched it in our yard. The next morning we were awaken by ants. Lesson: don’t bring Cheese Puffs into your tent because even if they’re unopened they’ll find them.

10. The new place. Try a new restaurant that neither of you have been to. It doesn’t have to be a $40 a plate joint. Go to the new Indian restaurant or that place that makes oven-baked subs. You’ll both be experiencing something new, and therefore creating a new memory together.

11. Say cheese! We may forego our Friday night date if we’re too tired. But the next day we’ll walk around downtown or along the river and take pictures. Not with a photo app, but with a Nikon.

12. Re-enact your first date. Remember your first date together? Make a play list of music from that year, wear the same outfit, and go back to that theater where you first saw that movie.date nights we’ve had. Here are some of my favorites:

 

This blog post is a work in progress.
Last updated:    10/30/2012