Threesome Memoirs – Edith the Cat Lover

Threesome Memoirs: Table of Contents

cat loverWith every person that called I quickly learned that I would have a cast of wonderful characters for my blogs.  I wasn’t trying to be insincere or judgmental, because my main goal was to find someone I really did click with.  Unfortunately, to find that person you click with you have to shuffle through a lot of people that you have absolutely nothing in common with.

Enter Edith the Cat Lover.  I met Edith the Cat Lover through a dating website and after a quick email we exhanged numbers to chat.  I call her Edith because after seeing her picture, I felt like she resembled Edith Bunker, Archie Bunker’s wife from “All in the Family.”  I call her Cat Lover because I’d say she absolutely loved cats.

Edith the Cat Lover was a middle-aged lady who seemed to be all about her schedule.   This was a good thing, because dealing with the young and flakey can be a bit annoying.  Judging by the way she described her schedule, she made it a point to let me know she would be available to hook up on weekends.  It couldn’t get any more convenient than that. She was very eager to talk, so I figured she would be more keen to trying to arrange a meet-up versus someone who thrived off spontaneity (aka Ms. Flakey). I’m not a shallow person, meaning even her looks weren’t like someone young and a bit more spontaneous, I didn’t want to judge her before based solely on what she looked like.  I’m more attracted to personalities.  In fact, I am only attracted to personalities, which at times, makes Ryan a bit uneasy.  After sending her a quick text message asking if I can call and verify her voice, she acknowledged I could call her.

Me: Hi there! Is this Edith?
Edith the Cat Lover: Yes, hi!  How are you?
Me: I’m doing well. It sounds like you’re in a car. Are you driving?
Edith the Cat Lover: Yes, I am. I drive a lot, mostly on weekdays, due to my job.  So weekends are pretty much open for me.

She has me on speakerphone, so she sounds like she’s yelling at me. I already feel uneasy.

Me: Well, thanks for taking my call.  (Satisfied) You’re definitely a woman.
Edith the Cat Lover: No problem!  Trust me, I totally get why you need to verify.  You can never tell who you end up talking to.
Me: Yea, I just want to know who I am  really talking to.  For some reason, a lot of responses I get seem to be from men.
Edith the Cat Lover: Oh, honey, I know…believe me. I’ve had enough of men.  They will do anything for pussy.

This made me a bit uncomfortable, so I nodded but I didn’t realize she couldn’t see me nod while on the phone.

Me: …
Edith the Cat Lover: I actually started hooking up with women a few years ago. I got soooo tired of my husband in bed so I decided to try women. I have to say that was probably THE best decision of my life.
Me: Really?
Edith the Cat Lover: Absolutely. I found that women can touch me in a way that he never can.
Me: I’ve heard women DO have a special touch.

I imagined all the lesbian porn I’d ever seen where the two women moved in slow motion, caressing each other, kissing for a few minutes, before slowly taking off their clothes.

Edith the Cat Lover: I just love the way they feel – their breasts, their fingers, their skin. I love everything about women. They just drive me wild.  And sweetie,  men can’t do what women do.
Me: Yea,that’s something I can’t wait to experience.

I giggle, trying to make light of the conversation.


Edith the Cat Lover: And I’d like to be the one to show you…!
Me: Tell me this, what exactly are you looking for?  What do you want?
Edith the Cat Lover:  I need a woman, who knows how to touch me.  It’s to the point  where my husband disgusts me.  I mean I love him, I just don’t want him to touch me you know?

She laughs, I giggle back but at this point I realize me and her are not from the same planet.  
 
Edith the Cat Lover: Like seriously, what type of lover sucks on your  titties like a newborn baby?  Men have no idea.  No sexual satisfaction at all.  Excuse me, just because you put your lips on my nipples and try to suck the dried milk out of me doesn’t mean I like it.  You know?
Me: Ouch!
Edith the Cat Lover: I mean, it’s true!
 
We pause for a bit as I really don’t have much to add to the conversation. 
 
Edith the Cat Lover:  Also, why do men grunt when they are having sex with you, blowing their coffee and old cigar smoke breath in your face. Then when they orgasm they flop down on your body like slugs.
Me: Dang.
Edith the Cat Lover: Yea, that’s something you never get with a woman.
 
I try to change the subject.
 
Me: What does your husband think about you hooking up with other women?
Edith the Cat Lover: Let’s not worry about husbands, my guy couldn’t make me orgasm if his life depended on it.
Me: Uhh, okay, wow.
Edith the Cat Lover: Seriously.  And on the weekends, he is usually away for work anyway.
Me: Ok.
Edith the Cat Lover: If you wanted, we could meet this weekend even.  I am okay with meeting at a hotel or maybe a public place?  The last girl I met was in a parking lot!  She fisted the hell out of me.  I felt it for weeks.
Me: Hmm, I am not sure about that.  I definitely am not meeting without my husband.  Did you see my ad?
Edith the Cat Lover: Yea, I saw your ad.  It’s okay if he wants to sit in the front seat, me and you can sit in the back.  Okay?
 
I laugh, hoping that was a joke.
 
Edith the Cat Lover: So you have never been with a woman?  No kissing?  No touching?  Nothing?  Oh, I really love to break girls in.
Me: Nope, I haven’t.
Edith the Cat Lover:  Does your husband really have to be around?  I find it very uncomfortable for a first timer to have to be there with her husband.  For a first time, he should just throw you in a room and let a woman do what she wants to do with you.  That is an experience you will never forget.
Me: I doubt he’d ever just throw me in a room.  That’s really not what we are into at all.
Edith the Cat Lover: Well, just let him know I will take care of you.  I’m good at eating pussy.  Probably because my husbands dick is the size of a small clit.
 
She laughed, but it almost sounded like a snort.  I laugh uncomfortably.


Me: Well, so, I guess doing our nails together or anything like that is out of the question?
Edith the Cat Lover: Girl, hell no, I’m going to nail you to the headboard and stick my face inside your baby hole!
Me: Huh?
Edith the Cat Lover:  That’s a joke girl.  I’m just a bit worked up thinking of you being a first timer and all. 

All the sudden I got what it feels like to be a man in prison for the first time.  FRESH FISH, FRESH FISH!
 

Edith the Cat Lover: I’d like to squat down real fast and suck air up my vagina, then pull your face into my crotch and blow you a pussy kiss!
Me: Um, hmmm.   I’m not so sure about that.
Edith the Cat Lover: Don’t worry, we can go at your pace.  No pressure here sweetie, I just want to be open and honest with you.
Me: Listen, I appreciate the honesty but I do have to go.  I’ve verified you as real so go ahead and text me if you have any questions. 

After I hung up with her, I felt like my ears had been molested and that I needed a rape kit for my ear drums.  Suffice it to say, Edith the Cat Lover is the reason why I decided there is a huge difference between what I want and what other women want.  I am not a man hating lesbian that wants to prove to the world that women do it better, I just want to enjoy a woman’s soft touch.  In a perfect world, I’d love to enjoy a woman’s soft touch with my husband’s perfect touch, together.  In my world, which is far from perfect, I won’t make it less perfect accepting anything less.   How can I ever enjoy being with someone who talked so much shit about her husband? I mean, according to her, her husband’s penis was the size of a corn kernel.  If she was that judgmental about the man she supposedly loved, what would she say about me?

And so the search continues…

Threesome Memoirs – Listing Ads on Dating Websites

Threesome Memoirs: Table of Contents

dating websiteThe tricky part about having a threesome is actually finding someone that’s willing to be your third partner.  In doing so, Ryan and I have talked about the many options:  asking one of my more freakier friends if she is interested in hoping into bed with us, turn into swingers and meet other couples, eventually hoping a couple or husband is nice enough to give us the pleasure of a threesome, find a gay/bisexual club and hope we get lucky, check out the local escorts for a true no strings attached experience, or find a girlfriend from dating websites and classified ads.

We chose dating websites.  For now, our goal will be to find a bisexual woman interested in dating a married woman.  There is another version of this same concept and that would be to have Ryan find a bisexual girl who was interested in dating a married man. The latter is a bit more risky because the woman is more interested in my husband rather than me.  For now, I do not think I am ready for that. At least if I am the one searching, I am looking for a same sex partner which helps us both when dealing with the jealousy.

So, I’m on the dating scene.  Photo shoot and recent photos?  Check.  Good attitude, nipple rings and pussy piercings polished?  Check.  Ready to taste my first woman and hold my man’s cock while another woman sucks on it?  Check.  My girl-on-girl flirt moves in order?  Not really check, but I mean I’ve worked on a few of my lines.  “Hey girl, those are pretty toes you have, want to eat my wet pussy?”  I know, I know, that shy approach may not work in this day and age.  I have to work with what I got, you know?

Before I work on my girl-on-girl mack game, I want to do the super easy stuff, like create my online profile and clarify to the world what I am looking for.  Boy was I wrong on that one.  Creating the perfect profile was much more complicated than I thought. You’d think adding about 10 photos, all recent, would pretty much fix the need for more photos.  Wrong.  The first message I usually get is, “Do you have more pictures?” Also, I was pretty precise about what my goals, expectations, and limitations were, but of course that doesn’t stop the random boyfriends or women e-mailing me and asking, “I know you said you do not want to be a third in another couples threesome, but if you change your mind look at these cock photos.” I understand the struggle, trust me, I do, but at least read my profile. We are all going through the same thing, but do you really think ignoring everything in my profile increases your chances of getting me as a third for your threesome?

Oh dang, I guess I will never have that threesome I’ve always wanted with Ryan.  But wait, wait, what ever happen with  that couple that didn’t really  know how to read or totally ignored my entire profile and mailed me cock pictures to tempt me with having a threesome with them?  I mean, I can trust them not to break my boundaries being that their first offer totally broke my boundaries.  Yea, you know what, forget my soulmate, I will just tell him all about it later.  He’ll love that.  If I remember right, that cock was so perfectly average that no woman could resist.  Or wait, was it that the long skinny black one that looked a little ashy near the crotch?  No, no, it was the white stubby crooked one.  Yea, that was it.   Let me find their old email and contact them right now.  It’s. About. To. Go. Down.

Listen, that isn’t going to happen ladies/gentlemen.  I’m not perfect, but this is something you shouldn’t do and I won’t do.  I will never flat out ignore a profile and tempt another person with my own agenda, just in the slight chance the other woman would cheat on her man.  No.  Respect the profiles, people!

Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t mind answering questions that people have for me, as long at they’re legitimate.   “What is your titty size and if your husband is going to fuck me, I need to know how big his dick is.  Thanks.”  I mean, at least they read my profile right?

As they say: Serious inquiries only.  And also, MW4W, BiF, W/E, DDF, NS, GSOH, HWP, NSA, RTS, TYVM.

Below is the profile description.  If you have any ideas or advice, please post in the comment section.   I would love to improve the ad!   Picture to provocative?  Opinions?

First off, every picture in my profile is mine and real.

A little about me?  I’m friendly and a great listener.   I’d be just as happy making a new bisexual female friend as I would finding a partner for a threesome.  I think simple flirting can be fun and sexy.  I am married, bisexual, and not looking to hook up with another woman for a lesbian relationship / experience.  To clarify, I am bisexual, not lesbian, and I’m only looking for bisexual experiences, not lesbian.  I am not comfortable meeting or hooking up without my husband, but his role can be limited so everyone is comfortable. If you prefer to just chat, e-mail, or text, you will only talk with me, the lady. Before exchanging more photos, I’d prefer to talk on the phone to make sure I know who I am texting or emailing.  After phone verification, we do not have to talk again until both parties agree.

If anyone is interested, please send a message. I am not interested in couples, men, or studs. Serious ladies only please.”

Threesome Memoirs: Table of Contents

I have drafted a working table of contents / outline for how we wanted to do these memoirs.  The experiences are complex and the amount of people I have talked to seem endless.   Hopefully this working outline can help you follow along and anticipate future blogs.

Our Threesome Memoirs:
1         Bisexuality
1.1      My Awakening
2        His Story
3        Listing Ads on Dating Websites
3.1     Angry Lesbians and Studs
3.2    Crazy Men
3.2.1 Men Pretending To Be Women (Pat The Squirter)
3.3    The Man Hating and Pushy (Edith the Cat Lover)
3.4    The Young and Flaky
3.5    The Shy (Shai Wan)
3.6    The Intimidating (The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly)
3.7     Finding The Third (The First Meeting)
4        My First Kiss
5        Our First Threesome (Venice’s Perspective w/ Ryan’s commentary)
5.1     Our Second Threesome (Ryan’s Perspective w/ Venice’s commentary)
5.2     The Secret Lesbian
5.3     A Threesome From Every Perspective
5.4     A Different Type Of Double Penetration
5.5     Giving Him A Double Blow Job
5.6     The Naughty Lunch Break
5.7      I Fucked A Girl With A Strap On
5.8     Tasting His Cum On Her Pussy
5.9     Our First Sleepover
5.10   Foxy Brown
5.11    The Break Up
6        Is My Wife Really Bisexual?
7        The Women I Want
8        What Is A Unicorn

The Change:
9        Threesome Are Overrated

Unfinished Ideas:
Changing Perspectives and Boundaries
Our Talks, Late Nights and  Good Communication
Other Alternatives
Browsing Escorts
Strip Clubs, Swing Clubs, Local Clubs
Love to Give and Polyamory

Extras:
What NOT to text your possible threesome partner
The DOs and DON’Ts
How To Have A Threesome (Parody)
What If Your Wife Wanted To Have A Threesome With Another Man?

At this point the working table of contents is complete.  We did not finish sections 9-14 because we started writing “Threesome Adventures” which has now been changed back to “Threesome Memoirs.”   Anything related to our experience in threesomes from here on out on the blog will be labeled, Threesome Memoirs.

Threesome Memoirs – His Story

Threesome Memoirs: Table of Contents

mrandmrssmithIn blogging with Venice over the last two years I have noticed that most readers enjoy Venice’s perspective on our sex life rather than my own.  I assume this is because as men, we’ve always been very open about what we like during sex, or aren’t usually the ones with the boundaries in the bedroom.  

Here’s an example of a man’s sex blog, “Things I like in the bedroom:  EVERYTHING.”  One blog post, one word, and  retired. 

However, it seems we should be better at blogging since we’ve been doing it long before there was an Internet, we just did it in locker rooms and at any other random place we could get someone to actually listen to us talk.  In fact, if you want a man’s perspective on his sex life, simply walk up to him while he is sitting in the park feeding some ducks, and ask, “Do you enjoy cumming in your wife’s ass hole or her vagina the most?”

It’s that easy.

However, for these Memoirs, Venice has asked me to share my thoughts as well.   For her, this is another blog project (see also:  Project: 31 Days of Cum Shots; Project: Asian Bush).

Originally, the idea of Venice being bisexual seemed surreal.  Does that make sense?  I knew she was turned on by lesbian scenes in porn, but she’d always tell me it was only because it wasn’t something she normally saw or thought about.   It wasn’t like we sat around all day watching porn or anything, but every now and then we would play a porn in the background while we were intimate and she seemed to orgasm very quickly depending on what type of porn was playing (lesbian or 2 women and a man).

I didn’t think much of it and she always seemed pretty irritated if I asked her if hooking up with another woman was something she ever wanted to try.  I assume, because I am a man (please see the beginning of this article), the fact I even suggested her hooking up with another women meant  I’d also be around that other woman too.  This immediately made her close down and get defensive.  She knew hooking up with a woman would probably turn me on just as much as it would her.  She also knew it was dangerous to bring another person inside our circle.  For those exact reasons, and because I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, I was always hesitant to mention her sexuality and I never pushed the issue.  In other words, I left it alone.

I think, talking to me about her wanting to be with another woman threatened her.  At that time, there is no way she would ever be okay with a threesome.  In fact, if I even said the word threesome, she may have filed for a divorce.  She was very protective and she always let me know that she loved me so much because I only had eyes for her.  I was proud she noticed, so I made it my mission to spend the first thirteen years of our marriage without even looking at another woman.  I was totally whipped.

Anyway, I believe Venice’s bisexuality came to fruition after we talked about possibly taking a vacation on a swingers’ cruise.  Why a swingers’ cruise?  Let me explain.  Around our vanilla friends, we felt like outsiders.  Not because we wanted to swing, but because we were extremely open about our sex lives.  Whether we would joke about what we did the night before, or openly kiss and make out in front of them, we felt like we didn’t belong.  In our minds, swingers were open minded.  Also, not all swingers swap, which is something we have both discussed in length, and neither of us want this.  Soft swinging was more of playing in front of other couples, which we did already anyway, while the wives possibly playing with each other.  If everyone got along and agreed, both couples could have sex in front of the other couple, without swapping.  Basically, exhibitionism or voyeurism, which again, Venice and I were very much into.   Also, we didn’t take many vacations and a cruise seemed fun as hell.

The idea of being totally open and being able to talk about sex freely felt good to us both.  In fact, the idea of going on this cruise also led Venice into talking about how I’d feel if she made out with another wife one night.  We both knew that we didn’t want to swap or anything, but Venice seemed very interested in the idea of possibly getting a bit tipsy and kissing a woman for the first time.

Although we never took that cruise, it was at this point that we both sat down and discussed our sexuality. She expressed to me that she would love to make out with another woman.  She didn’t want another guy involved, but would love to see what it was like to kiss a girl.  Obviously this excited me and I let her know how I felt.  During this conversation, Venice openly told me she felt bisexual.  Although I thought this meant she was lesbian, she let me know that she had no real interest in doing anything without me being with her.  As far as I knew, her fantasies consisted of nothing more than kissing and making out with another woman while I watched. 

It wasn’t just her sexuality changing, this talk also occurred around the same time Venice was going through other major changes.  She had just learned to deep throat me, she began asking for anal sex regularly and explained to me she enjoyed her orgasms more during anal sex, and we started a intimacy routine that what we now call, our circle. 

Thirteen years into our marriage, and our sex life was upside down.  Whether it was a mid marriage crisis or her sexual awakening, she had me totally interested in her every thought.  In fact, I suggested we start a blog so we could write about the different things we were feeling.  For whatever reason, we tend to communicate much better when we write letters.  A blog seemed to make a lot of sense.  Rather than talking to me about what she was currently feeling, she could talk to the world and I could sneak inside her mind and get to know her better. 

Our first blog went under the moniker “Mr. And Mrs. Smith.”  Although this wasn’t an original idea, we felt that Mr. and Mrs. Smith was our secret identity.  Two sex agents who shared their dirty thoughts with the world.  After about six months, the addition of a Twitter account, and learning we were 1 of 1000 Mr. and Mrs. Smiths, we decided to purchase a domain and take our blogging to another level.  Our new last name would be Bloggs.   And what better name to talk about the Bloggs sex life than a domain called, “FuckBlogging.”   I guess this is the perfect time for me to mention the title of this blog:

His Story.

History.

Your mind’s blown right?  I didn’t think so.

The rest of our blogging journey can be followed by using our sites navigation interface.  The first month of our blog was the different stories we wrote as Mr. and Mrs. Smith.  Rather than dating them properly, we simply just took all that old content and posted them as soon as we opened this domain.

As far as us deciding to have a threesome goes, that story is still in the works.  From spending time on Twitter and writing articles on our blog, to sitting up late nights discussing some of the things we have written, our journey is just starting.

 

Threesome Memoirs – My Bisexual Awakening

Threesome Memoirs: Table of Contents

threesome

Some of these memoirs / articles may seem like I am repeating previous ideas, but I wrote each memoir seperate while we were searching for the right female partner for a threesome.  As of this writing, I have found a partner and have enjoyed the wonderful experience of a threesome.  Prior to the experience, we did not want to publish articles about our journey because we were uncertain of the outcome. 

Having a threesome partner, who is also a friend can get a bit confusing.  I started out my journey knowing I did not want a lesbian experience, which is really me and another woman alone in a room exploring each other until our tongues went numb.  This was never my goal, as I am a committed wife and my fantasies were focused on women, but not without my husband there. 

Throughout the years there have been times I would watch different videos with Ryan and the ones that interested me the most were the bisexual scenes.  The idea of two women enjoying each other while a penis is in the corner waiting is my ultimate fantasy.  Prior to Ryan, I never really paid much attention to pornography.  At first, I was really only comfortable watching lesbian scenes.  In hindsight, I believe this had more to do with the safety idea of not worrying about his reaction to me seeing another penis that wasn’t his.  Not that I wanted to see another penis, but I just felt more comfortable watching porns that didn’t have a dick in them.   I wanted to be the pure wife I felt I was.  Also, I was a woman and I do feel, unlike men, I just don’t get off watching a man fuck a woman.  I can get that whenever I want.  I can see that whenever I want.   The opportunities for a woman to go out and just hook up with a random guy is endless.  The reason why it’s so hard for men to find these random hook ups?  Most women just aren’t into these fantasies and would rather be emotionally attached prior to having monogamous sex.  If we wanted monogamous porn sex, we’d find a man, marry him, and then fuck him like we’re porn stars.  Which is what I did.

The point is, lesbian sex turned me on, as this was something I’d never experienced and couldn’t get each day, while heterosexual scenes did nothing for me.  Most women just aren’t interested in some guy fucking some some random girl.  Don’t believe me?  Go search craigslist for real random  women searching for random men.  After you get bored of trying to find a real ad, check out the ads for random men searching for random women.  

As a woman, lesbian scenes piqued my interest.  I grew up thinking this was forbidden and that I’d be laughed at for wanting another woman.  I would have  been deathly ashamed if I would have been caught watching a lesbian porn.  My attraction was absolutely there, but I felt shame.  No matter how attracted to women I was, my attraction to men absolutely trumped.  Nothing can replace the feeling of totally being taken by a real man, especially when you love the guy.   Was I bisexual?  I didn’t think so, because I didn’t want to have lesbian sex and I have only been with one man for the last 17 years.

What took my fantasies even further, is watching two women enjoy each other, then a man came in the room with his pretty groomed dick and let both women use his cock as a toy for them to enjoy.  This idea interested me much more than two women using a plastic double ended dildo and moaning on each side of the bed pretending to orgasm.  The best of both worlds.  A real live and breathing cock and a real live and breathing vagina.   In fact, this idea is what took our relationship to the next step.  Yes, I would love to fuck a woman, but only if my man was there with me.  Did he have to be involved?  With me, yes.  With the other woman?  No.  This was what Ryan and I agreed with when we decided to try a “threesome.”  The positives were, I’d find out how attracted to women I really was, if I was comfortable in the situation, and if the experience was something I wanted to do again.  The negatives, I’d actually prefer a threesome with a man and woman I really have feelings for, not just a sleezy one night stand.  Everything else is just settling or baby steps.