A Real Couple Blogging About Sex, Life, and Everything In Between +

August 10, 2015

Random Moments – I Peed In My Back Pocket

Blog, Life & Random Moments , 4 Comments

hkasmfSo I am at work on a Friday  and I have to use the bathroom. Usually, I do not use the bathroom at work unless it’s an absolute must. I’m the type of guy that likes to be at home, on my own toilet, and do my business in familiar territory.  My stomach doesn’t care about all that though.

I head into the bathroom and spray Lysol all over the seat.  This is my public bathroom ritual.  After the seat is lathered in antibacterial goodness that kills 99.9% of all germs, I wipe the seat down.  I then peel off 3 squared sheets of toilet paper and lay it across all 4 sides of the toilet seat.   I can now sit down.

I take my shirt off because I do not want my shirt to collect the odor that rises from the seat below while I am using the bathroom.  I know, this all sounds so dumb, but again, this is my ritual (my after the bathroom ritual is equally as bad — think: soap, wet wipes, using the sink as a bidet, and manpons until I can go home and shower).  I am now shirtless, sitting on a toilet paper covered toilet seat that has been doused in Lysol, with my penis…ah yes, my penis.  I didn’t mention my penis.  Well, other than urinating prior to sitting, I will hold it in my lap and lay it across the toilet paper at the front of the seat.  There is no way I am going to let my dick hang into the toilet.  Would I put my face down inside the toilet seat while someone sits on the back of my head?  Would I put my hand in the toilet seat slightly letting it touch the sides or on a good day, even dipping my finger tips into the filthy water itself? Absolutely not.  So why on earth would I let my most prized possession dangle below me, inside a disgusting toilet bowl strangers defecate in?  I wouldn’t.

So as I sit on the seat and text Venice about the latest gossip going on in the office, I feel a second urge of urine stream.  Forgetting where I was, I released the stream and heard water sprinkling onto the floor.  I quickly jumped up and grabbed my penis and aimed it down into the toilet.  I looked at the back of my pants that were pulled down around my shins, and noticed the entire back of them had been peed on.  Soaked.  The floor as well, but who cares about the damn bathroom floor.

I peed on the back pockets…of my fucking pants.  What?  Thankfully I bring a change of clothing just in case I have to see a client on casual Friday.  So I make a superman like change into my slacks and shirt with a tie, and reappear from the bathroom a new man.  A few co-workers notice and I look at my watch like I have a meeting to go to.  I leave the office, circle the block, and come back in a few minutes and make up some story about having to meet up with someone.  No one knew I just pissed in my own back pockets, but I knew.  And now…you know. Peed Myself Peed Myself Peed Myself Peed Myself Peed Myself

*edit.  I totally forgot I wrote this blog on Friday and scheduled for it to go live on our weekly scheduled Monday morning blog.  So I reread the story and cracked a smile. A smile on Monday? That makes pissing in my own back pocket on Friday totally worth it.  🙂  Have a good week you guys! peed myself peed myself peed myself peed myself peed myself peed myself

August 6, 2015

The Perfect Girlfriend – 7 Signs It Doesn’t Get Better

All Sex Talk 3 Comments

Someone on my Facebook liked this link and it showed up on my timeline. She has a good head on her shoulders and I respect a lot of the posts she likes. So it really bugged me to see this post that she liked because it’s entitled “7 Signs That It Doesn’t Get Better.”  For fun, Ryan and I have commented on each photo and title with our own opinion.  Enjoy.

gamer-girl#1 “Gamer girl – A gamer girl with a hot bod is a keeper.”

Venice: I will have to agree with this one only because relationships tend to be stronger when they have common hobbies, i.e. going to the gym, having the same collection, or gaming. However, note that there is a running joke about gamer girls being fat in the same sense that gamer guys are fat. Why? Probably because gaming in itself connotes a sedentary lifestyle. Which it does, but it’s just not as fun to be a hot gamer girl who is kickass at Dance Dance Revolution or Wii Fit. I like this picture – cute bootay, gamer, Call of Duty propped up nonchalantly in the background. However, she’s holding just the Wii remote controller when everybody knows you have to attach the nunchuk controller to play Call of Duty. Nice panties though.

Ryan: You definitely aren’t perfect if you are playing Call of Duty on the fucking Wii.  No offense, but does that even have multiplayer??!?!

movie-girl#2 “Let’s you pick the movie – A girlfriend who lets you pick the movie that you’ll see is priceless. Now at least you can see all your war movies and Vin Diesel action movies.”

Venice: No, I didn’t misspell “let’s.” First clue you can’t take lists like this seriously. Although I admit, this is something that a lot of good wives/girlfriends do – instead of complaining that they don’t want to watch a movie, they’ll say, “OK, dear. I will watch ‘Happy Gilmore’ with you for the fifth time this week.” She knows that she’s racking up points for him to go shoe shopping or to pick up eggs and coffee at the grocery store on the way home. Smart.

Ryan: That’s cool you have no opinion on what movie you want to watch, I guess.  But I’d rather watch something we both want to see.  I don’t think not having an opinion is perfect or what I prefer.  I at least want to know what you want to watch so I can laugh at your suggestion of a romantic movie while we are watching Die Hard 20.  There is nothing wrong with having a mind and preferences.

nothing-wrong-girl#3 “Means what she says – Girls who don’t play games, she’s the one”

Venice: This is the one I agree with the most. If you have something on your mind, you should always say so. Open communication, bottom line.

Ryan: In theory Venice sounds great here, but trust me, there are times when she shuts down and I cannot tell if she is upset or mad.  I agree with this meme totally.  Please just say it if you are upset about something!  Open communication, bottom line.

big-tits-girl#4 “BIG T1TS – 7 great qualities make her a CATCH, but BIG TITS makes her a winner.”

Venice: Let’s face it – this “meme” would be boring if it were just the words. So, bonus points for creativity to whoever the young man was that created this gem of a meme.

Ryan:  I didn’t even know Venice had titties when we met. I’m an eyes, lips, face, and personality type of guy.  I do like a nice ass.  I’m not mad at breasts, but they are the last thing I care about on a female.

no-kids-girl#5 “Hot, Single, No Kids – For some guys this is all that’s needed.”

Venice: Guess what – the same thing goes for guys. What 18-year-old co-ed is out there saying, “I just left my parents’ home to start college. I want to go to clubs and have fun experien—ooh, who’s that guy with the sex dad-bod pushing the stroller?” No one, or at least close to no one. And this is the worse picture used, in my opinion. Hot? Sure. I can see the hotness in her if her mouth wasn’t wrapped around a stogie and holding an empty tumbler in her hand. Single? Maybe. No ring on her finger. No kids? I don’t know. Kind of hard to tell with the box of toys behind her plastic lawn chair.

Ryan:  Pretty much.

mine-girl#6 “Status Undefined – if she doesn’t blast STATUS IN A RELATIONSHIP all over Facebook, you’re one lucky guy.”

Venice: I’m not quite sure what this means: is it saying that he would rather not let her friends and family know that she’s in a relationship? Shouldn’t the guy question that, like she’s ashamed of him or that he’s not good enough to be dating her? I don’t think his fear of being in a relationship has anything to do with Facebook status. If she’s not proud to say she’s dating you, I wouldn’t call myself lucky to be you or lucky to date you.

Ryan: If she isn’t changing her Facebook status because of you, you didn’t lay the pipe right.  Fact.  You’re her side dude. The guy she isn’t quite sure she wants her friends to know she is banging.   If that’s your goal, to be her little side dude that she isn’t claiming, I guess you can be okay with her not changing her Facebook status because of you.   Number 6 sucks.

tampon-girl#7 “Doesn’t send you out for tampons – She’s independent and knows what embarrasses you. What else can you want.”

Venice: Don’t be so insecure about getting fucking tampons, young man. I can promise you the old lady ringing you up at the Piggly Wiggly is NOT giggling to herself and calling you someone’s little bitch. She’s probably praising you for taking one for the team (because your girlfriend certainly can’t leave the house, can she?) and risking ruining your reputation that you’ve build up in your head. Her independence is absolutely irrelevant. If you make your girlfriend leave the house with a wad of toilet paper between her legs, you’re a douche.

Ryan: This list must have been made by a 16 year old.  Who cares if she sends you out to get tampons? I used to send Venice out to get magnums, lube, and a pregnancy test once every few months, so if she returns the favor and has me go get tampons and stain remover, I am okay with that.

Venice: Alright, these are the signs in a woman that let you know that “it doesn’t get better.” High five to the boy who wrote these interesting little tidbits. I applaud the thought he put into it. I hope that instead of receiving author credits for this highly-informative editorial piece, he opted to receive Chuck E. Cheese tokens and a free kid’s meal at McDonald’s (his choice of nuggets or cheeseburger).

August 3, 2015

Watching Him In His Natural Habitat – My Husband’s Masturbation Habits

All Sex Talk, Blog , , , 1 Comment
OK guys..we’re in the natural habitat of the human man. You can see that it’s a very lush area, not too dangerous, but still want to be careful. Never know what’s lurking. Over here we got vidya games, a stack of gym socks wadded up into little half balls, and a pet lizard. Not too treacherous, but watch your step here.
FEMALE VOICEOVER: Since this is our first time exploring this region, we have to be very careful as we don’t want to upset the delicate balance of this habitat. Although it’s not dangerous, it’s very common for man to live with other creatures, such as other humans, or even animals, in a symbiotic relationship.
Woah woah woah! I think we found one guys! Oh crikey, look at that man on the computer chair watching porn while he strokes his hard cock.  We have to be careful here, you never know when that thing will spit at ya.  It’s okay big fella, I’m not gonna hurt ya.
FEMALE VOICEOVER: Because contact with other humans is inevitable, we all have to be very careful when living with the human. He’s a very loud creature, but when things get really quiet, that’s a sign that he has retreated a private spot.
Take a look at that cock.  See the striping along the center? He must have been a massive fight sometime in his life. And that coloring…just gorgeous! Let’s get a closer loo—woah there! Easy, boy..EASY! We made eye contact..a sign of dominance over his surroundings.
[man covers up as fast as possible and jerks his body away from us]
Oh ho ho! He’s a feisty fella, ain’t he? We caught him off guard.  He’s gonna shell up and protect himself from us.  This could get a bit dangerous. Let’s back away, guys..slowly, slowly. It’s alright big guy, we’re leaving. You’re alright, you’re alright..
FEMALE VOICEOVER: As we leave, we try to follow the golden rule of nature: Leave nothing but footprints, take nothing but pictures.
 

Male MasturbationMasturbation is normal for me and Ryan. So much so that when are alone together, watching a movie, laying around, or getting ready for bed, it’s common for us to put a hand down our own pants and just…relax.  Not to orgasm, not to be perverted, but to simply relax. In fact, if he’s not spooning me, I lay in his arm and hold his balls or dick in my hand.  It’s become second nature to me.  Just last night, I was laying next to him watching a movie, and I guess he felt my wrist tendons moving against his leg and asked, “Are you touching yourself?”  I was.  Not to cum, but it just felt good to lay there and tickle my lips while I straddled his body watching a movie together.  We have no shame, because I do this very openly and do not care if he feels, sees, or knows I am playing with myself, even when sex is the furthest things from our minds.

So, one day last week, I decided that I wanted to watch Ryan masturbate like he was alone in the room by himself. Although I have seen him masturbate a lot, it was always with me sitting on his face or laying on his stomach rubbing his balls.  I had never really watched him masturbate like he was totally alone without me helping or being his visual stimulation.   I pulled out his dick as he  sat on his computer chair. He loaded xhamster on his computer as I sat next to him. He got comfortable and searched for “woman deepthroat,” which was perfect. I love to see a woman deepthroat. We both do.

Change of plans.  I need to touch his dick and feel it in my hands.  I can’t just sit there while porn is on, emotionless like it’s a science project.  🙁  Instead of watching him masturbate alone, I decided I would stroke his dick off for him, while he used his free hands to browse porn and do what he would normally do if I was not in the room.  Except obviously he has the benefit of being totally hands free.

Continue Reading Watching Him In His Natural Habitat – My Husband’s Masturbation Habits

July 27, 2015

Vagina Dialogues – Masturbation Benefits vs Sex Benefits

Vagina Dialogues No Comments

masturbation vs sexI remember talking to Ryan on the phone when we first started dating and as the night got later our talk got a bit dirtier.  I could tell he never really had a girl he could ask sexual questions to so I wanted to make sure I lived up to all his expectations.

Ryan: “So, do you ever masturbate?”

I responded, “Why would I masturbate when I can have someone do it for me.”   I thought that was the dirtiest response I could come up with to really impress him.  Little did he know, I did masturbate, and in fact, it was the only way I had ever had an orgasm up until that point.

and he was slowly prodding my brain with all the questions a young boy asks a woman t all the questions his young dirty mind Although masturbation is not a replacement for great sex, it is a good alternative if you do not have a partner you want to have sex with, or your partner is not satisfying you.  I will try to explain why.   Intercourse is great because it’s an intimate connection with your partner, physical exercise for your body, and it releases hormones that can bond (addict) you to the partner you are connecting with; dopamine and oxytocin. Those hormones released in your body during intercourse can give your brain a physical connection to a person, their face, and their body.  Since these hormones make sex feels so good, your body gets addicted to the feelings sex with your significant other creates.  This addiction also helps keep a person more faithful in a relationship.   However, some women don’t necessarily have an orgasm during sex, so masturbation can be a way to guarantee that orgasm, which intensifies the positive benefits. If you’re a perimenopause or postmenopausal woman, those orgasms cause the adrenal glands to release estrogen and since your ovaries aren’t producing any/a lot of estrogen, this added boost can make you feel good.

For women who experience dyspareunia (painful sex), masturbation can be a way to “exercise” the organs (including increasing blood flow, vascularity, maintaining nerve health, and keeping the muscles and tissues healthy) without worrying about vaginal tears or pelvic floor tension.

Not only is maturbation the most probable way of producing an orgasm, it also produces the most intense orgasm.  In a now famous study, subjects’ subjective reports as well as recording os their physiological responses (heart rate and vaginal contractions) indicated that masturbation produced a more intense orgasm than either coitus or manipulation of the genitals by a partner (Masters and Johnson, 1966).  It has been suggest that an intense orgasm leads to increased vasculatiry in the vagina, labia, and clitoris (Bradwick, 1971).  In turn, there seems to be evidence that this increased vasculatiry will enhance the potential for future orgasms.  “Frequent orgasms will effect an increase in vasculatiry, which in turn enhance the orgasmic potential.  Nothing succeds like success, and the increased number of orgasms will lead to the psychological anticiapation of the pleasure of sex” (Bardwick, 1971).  This notion that increased vascularity, it is possible that the increased vascularity in the pubococcygeus was responsible for the increased orgasmic frequency.  An increase in pelvic vascularity has also been suggest to explain the effectiveness of androgen therapy in faciliating orgasm (Bardwick, 1971). –  Handbock of Sex Therapy

To summarize, since masturbation is the most probable method of producing an orgasm and since it produces the most intense orgasm, it logically seems to be the preferred treatment for enhancing orgasmic potential in inorgasmic women.

Given the “maintenance” benefit of sexual activity in general, it’s good to have more orgasms than less,  so if your partner is not available, masturbation can be a great addition to your sex life to keep the tissues and glands in good shape.

From a cognitive perspective, masturbation can be good because it is “selfish”. If you are focusing on what you are doing (rather than the pleasure of a partner) then you might be able to be “in the moment” more, more focused on your genital sensations, and more connected with your body. You aren’t worried about whether your belly is bouncing, your breath is not fresh, or whether you should have washed well enough before playtime. You’re just enjoying the moment with nothing else in mind except how to make yourself feel good.  You also are learning your body, learning what makes your body orgasm, and getting familiar with your vagina.  If you are comfortable with your vagina, or actually love how it feels and looks, you will not be uncomfortable later when another person is looking at it during sex.   Spending time and loving your vagina will build confidence later when a man is studying you.  Believe it or not, a lot of women are very unaware of how their vagina looks, or think it actually looks “gross.”  Masturbation can help you overcome these immature thoughts so you’re more comfortable with your body.

The discrepancy with regard to masturbation is doubly problematic because masturbation, it turns out, is a particularly important predictor of sexual health and happiness for women, more so then for men. One of the best predictors of whether a woman will be able to achieve orgasm in her sexual relations is a history of masturbation in adolescence. – Psychology Today

masturbationRegular sexual arousal is also good for keeping the vagina moist and healthy. The added natural lubrication helps to keep things refreshed and the Bartholin’s glands (glands responsible for lubrication) active and healthy. Given that sexual intercourse is partner-dependent, masturbation can be a way to supplement your activity.  However, masturbation (depending on if it’s just a vibrator on your clitoris or you penetrate with a toy) does not involve a penis going inside your body. which is the best way to clean out old bacteria. It is possible that you could masturbate with a dildo and clean your insides out in the same manner though. I personally hate how a dildo feels, so there is no replacement for an actual penis when it comes to cleaning out my insides.  This is usually the key ingredient in my dirty talk with Ryan, “Yea, clean me out and put your fresh cum inside me.”

So basically, physiologically, masturbation has a lot of the same benefits of sexual activity that results in orgasm in healthy women. Cognitively, it can help you become more in-tune with your body and have “selfish” sexual experiences. Practically speaking, intercourse takes effort and has to be coordinated with a partner, while doesn’t take as much coordination and can be a nice supplement to sex.  However, ever other post on my blog is almost a celebration of great sex, so nothing can compare to good sex.

With all that being said, there is still a fine line with masturbation for a female and our orgasms.  With 70% of women unable to orgasm through just penetration, a lot of us use oral sex, or a toy (or fingers) during sex to stimulate the clitoris while we are being fucked. Other than the penis moving in and out of our bodies, we are still technically masturbating.  Good lovers encourage their women to bring toys or touch themselves during intercourse.  Bad lovers, well, they still believe in magic and apparently believe their wands cast spells on the vagina and magically satisfy us (wrong).   So we use our own magic wand later.

So, a lot of these points may be valid, but with 70% of women probably masturbating while having sex to achieve an orgasm, masturbation and sex for women almost runs hand in hand (pun).   I’d say that is the biggest benefit. Masturbating can almost guarantee you can enjoy your sex life even if you cannot achieve an orgasm through sex.  If you masturbate, you can still do the same thing during intercourse if your are with a good lover who is understanding of your needs, and orgasm multiple times while he is inside you.

A few extra tidbits from The Kinsey Institute:

  • More than half of women ages 18 to 49 reported masturbating during the previous 90 days. Rates were highest among those 25-29 and progressively lesser in older age groups. (National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, 2010)
  • Approximately one-third of women in all relationships in the 60- to 69-year cohort reported recent masturbation. (National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, 2010)
  • Among women in the National Sex Survey older than 70, solo masturbation was reported by more than half who were in a non-cohabitating relationship, compared to 12.2% among married women. (National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, 2010)
  • Partnered masturbation among women was reported highest among women ages 25-29. (National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, 2010)
  • Across all age groups, partnered women are significantly more likely to report having engaged in partnered masturbation as compared to nonpartnered women. (National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, 2010)
  • Partnered masturbation was most common among women in the 25-29 and 30-39 year-old groups who were single and dating. (National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, 2010)
  • In a study of undergraduate college students, 98% of men and 44% of women reported having ever masturbated (Pinkerton, Bogart, Cecil, & Abramson, 2002).
  • Among undergraduate students, men reported masturbating an average of 12 times per month, while women reported an average of 4.7 times per month (Pinkerton, Bogart, Cecil, & Abramson, 2002).
  • In a study of African-American women aged 15 to 64, 62% reported that they had masturbated at some point during their lives (Robinson, Bockting, & Harrell, 2002).
  • About 60% of men and 40% of women reported masturbating in the past year (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994).
  • Nearly 85% of men and 45% of women who were living with a sexual partner reported masturbating in the past year (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994).
  • 35% of American men aged 18-39 do not masturbate while 37% masturbate sometimes, and 28% one or more times per week (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994).
  • 53% of men and 25% of women masturbated for the first time by ages 11 to 13 (Janus & Janus, 1993).
  • 5% of men and 11% of women have never masturbated (Janus & Janus, 1993).
  • About 85% of men report that their partner had an orgasm at the most recent sexual event; this compares to the 64% of women who report having had an orgasm at their most recent sexual event. (A difference that is too large to be accounted for by some of the men having had male partners at their most recent event.) (National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, 2010)
  • Men are more likely to orgasm when sex includes vaginal intercourse; women are more likely to orgasm when they engage in a variety of sex acts and when oral sex or vaginal intercourse is included. (National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, 2010)
  • Among ages 18-59, older age for men is associated with lower likelihood of his own orgasm; for women it is associated with a higher likelihood of her own orgasm. Age is not associated with the partner’s orgasm for either men or women. (National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, 2010)
  • Women are much more likely to be nearly always or always orgasmic when alone than with a partner. However, among women currently in a partnered relationship, 62% say they are very satisfied with the frequency/consistency of orgasm (Davis, Blank, Hung-Yu, & Bonillas, 1996).
  • Many women express that their most satisfying sexual experiences entail being connected to someone, rather than solely basing satisfaction on orgasm (Bridges, Lease, & Ellison, 2004).
  • 75% of men and 29% of women always have orgasms with their partner (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994).
  • About 40% for both men and women said they were extremely pleased physically and extremely emotionally satisfied (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994).
  • 25% of men and 14% of women reported that simultaneous orgasm is a must (Janus & Janus, 1993).
  • 10% of men and 18% of women reported a preference for oral sex to achieve orgasm (Janus & Janus, 1993).
  • It is possible to experience both genital and non-genital orgasm, even for some individuals with spinal cord injuries. (Komisaruk, 2005).  masturbation vs sex masturbation vs sex masturbation vs sex 
July 23, 2015

Top 10 Drama Movies

Life & Random Moments , , 1 Comment

imagesI’m not a big fan of the drama genre, which is why so many of these are older movies. These are my classics.

 

10) Lord of the Flies – The first time I saw this I was in elementary school and I didn’t care about the underlying themes like savagery vs. civilization, individualism vs. community, authority, and anarchy and all that other crap. It was like soft core porn to me seeing all those half-naked, older boys in loin cloths as they sharpened their spears.

https://youtube.com/watch?v=cITh6ZxlljQ

9) King of the Hill – Before there was a cartoon series, there was a movie based on the memoir of A.E. Hotchner. Summer during the Great Depression was accentuated by the warm camera filter and everyone constantly perspiring. Poor Aaron. No kid should ever have to cut out pictures of entire meals and eat them. No kid should have to mix ketchup with water for tomato soup. No kid should ever fight off a Nazi bellhop whose purpose in life is to wait for unsuspecting tenants to leave so that he can lock them out. No kid should ever have to attend his middle school promotion alone. The upside? Ruffian Adrien Brody in the back of the auditorium cheering you on as you ascend the stage. This movie has Child Protective Services written all over it. It always reminds me of the time I had to cook for me and myself and my brother for about two months. What did I cook? Corned beef and onions. I lost five pounds on that diet.

8) The Sixth Sense – A lot of rule-breaking in this movie, but we all were in need of it. Bad. Best part of the movie – realizing New Kids on the Blocker, Donnie Wahlberg, is the guy who shot Bruce Willis. I didn’t even recognize him from my Tiger Beat magazine clippings he was so thin. Maybe if he put on his holey acid washed jeans and a grew a rat tail I would have recognized him. Nevertheless, his 30 seconds in the movie was pretty damn good.

7) Gone Baby Gone – I can’t believe Casey Afleck and Ben Afleck came out of the same vagina. When I first saw “Gone Baby Gone,” it was before Ben Afleck had done some really good movies that made up for the crap that he’s done before. So you can imagine how shocked I was to see Ben’s little brother show some delightful talent.

7a) To be fair to Ben, I did love “Gone Girl.” The twist came in about 2/3 of the way in rather than at the end, but it worked.

6) The Usual Suspects – This is one of those movies you have to watch at least four times (depending on your mental capabilities) to really understand what just happened. You’ll feel like you just got duped, but in the end you’re rooting for the right side. The montage at the end (the Guatemalan coffee, the Kobayashi mug, et al.) has you questioning just what exactly is the truth. Well, guess what…there IS no Keyser Soze! I had a fun time with that during my struggling college years working at a local cafe. Once I worked the morning shift, which entailed slicing slicing Havarti cheese at precisely 0.75 ounces per slice. Each person who slices has to write their name on the food. I wrapped and labeled each stack of Havarti that morning, not with my name, but signed elegantly: Keyser Soze. And so, all day, I snickered to myself as I told everyone who asked that there, indeed, was no Keyser Soze.

5) Tombstone – You’re lying if you’re a guy who won’t admit to having a man-crush on Val Kilmer. You get a little taste of just how an obnoxious poor winner Val Kilmer’s Doc Holliday can be in the beginning poker scene as he stabs Frank Stallone, but it’s not until he stops an irate Johnny Tyler, equipped with a shotgun, from opening fire on Wyatt Earp. Doc goes on casually, greeting each Earp brother in front of Johnny, who is dumbfounded and shocked at all these celebrities before him. Doc then turns to Johnny, still hanging on to his weapon, one last time and tells him, “I didn’t know you were still here. You may go now.” My best friend had a crush on him when after she saw this movie.
“Girl, please. Name another movie he’s been in,” I told her.
“…”
“I didn’t think so.”

4) Se7en – This whole movie is fucked up. The ending is even more fucked up. Just be glad it’s not based on a true story. I keep track of the seven deadly sins within the movie because it encourages you to. Toward the end you think, “In what other sinister ways can these sins be shown?” When Morgan Freeman opens the box at the end and cries, “John Doe’s got the upper hand!” I still get a knot in my stomach as Brad Pitt pleas with his homicide partner. Every time I watch it, I hope that he chooses to take the higher road, but that would go against the movie title, wouldn’t it?

3) The Road – This is one of the most stressful movies I’ve ever seen in my entire life. If they’re not looking for food, they’re trying to fight off cannibals. What in holy crap?! Even when they’re huddled around a fire in their tattered clothes and in no immediate danger, I still feel unsafe. The first time I watched this movie, I stopped it three times because I couldn’t handle the stress of the dad deciding on whether or not to shoot his son in order to keep him from getting captured or them running into strangers in general.

 
2) What’s Eating Gilbert Grape – A few years before the Titanic guy saved Rose, he was in this little movie with Johnny Depp flaunting his acting skills. Who knew? The first time I watched this I was at my aunt’s house. She rented it from the local movie store on VHS. At the end of the movie, the VCR rewound the tape automatically, but wouldn’t eject it afterwards. As my aunt fiddled around with the tape, I said, “Well, it looks like the VCR ate Gilbert Grape.” Hee-hyah hee-hyah.

1) The Professional – You know what’s beautiful? A hit man taking in a 12-year-old so that she can avenge the death of her little brother. Jean Reno as the Professional is so endearing because of his innocent, goofy look, and it’s also forgivable that he kills for money, like “He just shot that drug dealer in the head…aww!” My favorite scene is when Gary Oldman and his crooked cops massacre the family of a little girl named Mathilda. No, not that. But when young Natalie Portman is forced to walk by her murdered family nonchalantly in order to land at the doorstep of her neighbor, the Professional. The music is intense, the Professional is torn with the decision to leave her outside, while he sees her begging with her teary eyes through the peephole to let her in. Oh, Mathilda..you’re such a badss when you smoke cigarettes. Ok, I tried a few cigarettes once because I wanted to be a little bad ass too. It was Earth Day and I thought it was hilarious and I thought it would be a perfect day to pick up a bad ass habit. I chain smoked six cigarettes (is six considered a chain?) at a party with older, seemingly bad ass kids. I got a chance to practice my bad ass move of flicking the ass with my middle finger. An older girl walked up to me and asked if she could bum a smoke. I turned to her badassingly and said, “Nah, this is my last one.” My mom ended up taking my bad ass to the hospital that night because of hives.