I will try to make this as short as possible. I have already posted this other places but I also wanted to get opinions from certain blogs I read every now and then. The consensus elsewhere was very mixed, although a lot of people sided with my husband actions.
Anyway, I left for a 10 day business trip and received an email from my husband while I was waiting in the airport. The email was very negative and accused me of checking out of our marriage due to the fact I had turned down sex or rejected sex with him several times. After reading the email, I felt I was blamed for a lot of our problems and I guess sex was the biggest issue. I have tried to call my husband and he will not answer his phone. In his email, he included a spread sheet which I have attached to this email. The spreadsheet supposedly shows all the days and reasons I turned him down. I do not remember most of these days but, I do know that I keep the house clean and make dinner for him most nights. I also work full time and go the gym frequently because lately my self image has dropped drastically. I don’t see any spreadsheets regarding when I did housework or made him dinner, so I guess that isn’t as important to him?
According to his ‘document’, we’ve only had sex 3 times in the last 7 weeks, out of 27 “attempts” on his part.
I admit, our sex life has tapered in the last few months, but isn’t that allowed? We are adults leading busy, stressful lives. I cook for him, I do his laundry, I keep our house clean and tidy. It’s not like our sex life was going to be this way forever, it was a temporary slow-down due to extenuating circumstances.
My weekday routine has been shower, go to work, get off at 4pm, go home and cook dinner, go to the gym, watch some TV, sleep. He’s never up to have sex in the morning, and I never want to have sex after being all sweaty and gross from the gym.
Am I wrong here or is my husband acting childish?
Venice’s response:
Is he acting childish? I don’t think so. It’s pretty sad that he has to resort to a spreadsheet to remind you that you aren’t giving him sex or intimacy. He has to arm himself with documentation to show you that you’re being a crappy wife, which is pretty pathetic on your part. He has anticipated you responding to his complaints with, “I do give you sex. It’s not that bad, we have sex a few times a week. Prove that I don’t.” Good for him, bad for you. Your sex life “taper[ing] in the last few months” is downright ridiculous and absolutely should not be acceptable. We all lead busy lives – work, family, chores, not to mention the unexpected events you can’t plan for. But that’s life and it will never get easier. You have to adapt and not allow your marriage to suffer because you’re tired from LIFE.
As a working mother, I understand how difficult it can be to balance family priorities, work priorities, and wife priorities. However, believe it or not, the easiest of the three is probably wife priorities. I’ve learned to rearrange my day based on the time I need to start my husband’s day off right. And if it means waking up 15 minutes early, missing a TV show, making a meal that requires little prep time, or all of the above, then I am more than happy to do it. The little things that take up your time add up, so I take that time back. Trust me – it can be done. The first thing I did was to whittle down watching TV to about 1-2 hours a week. TV does nothing for me and unless we’re watching something together, it’s a waste of time, for me at least. Learn to prioritize and figure out what things matter the most in your life, what makes the biggest impact on your marriage and decide on how you can change these things to strengthen your relationship and marriage.
I found that if my man is happy in bed, things just fall into place. I, myself, am more happy when I know I’ve satisfied my man. I know that he isn’t sexually frustrated, therefore he’s in a better mood. He tends to give me more affection, be more patient, and be extra loving. And most of all, he is more proactive in ensuring the little things I care about also get done. I take care of his needs, he takes care of mine.
Ryan’s response:
So wait, you went 27 days without sex, even knowing you were leaving on a 10 day business trip? I mean, I understand you are trying to paint the picture that he is childish and overreacting…but 27 days? Seriously? You expect him to be happy not being intimate with his wife after 27 days, knowing you are leaving for 10 more days and still ignoring his needs? That would be 37 days totally sexless for your husband. Do you honestly feel that is justifiable? How do you forget that you are leaving on a business trip and not take care of your husband’s needs before you leave?
I’d rather have a dirty house and eat Top Ramen every night for 37 days than go sexless. I’d rather eat a shit sandwich and wake up in a pile of dirty laundry than be ignored by my wife for 37 days. Is missing your television show really more important than missing your marriage?
You should be the one doing the Q&A, because I have so many questions for you.
I’m noticing reading the spreadsheet that you used the excuse, “I feel gross and sweaty” multiple times. Not only that, you refuse to take a shower after going to the gym so you remain “gross and sweaty” throughout the night? So many shades of wrong there. First of all, shower when you get home from the gym. If that means you have to add an extra shower in your schedule, do that. Not that showering habits are something we help people with, but in your case, your showering habits are possibly hurting your relationship. It’s also very possible you may not enjoy sex at night because after sex, you have to wash off (or yes, even shower). Apparently you only want to shower in the morning? I would be extremely disgusted if Venice came back from the gym and just slept in our bed. Not just sweat, dirt, and body odor, but also, staph, sweat, and germs from a 100 other people that used the gym equipment that night. Absolutely disgusting.
If Venice was to say to me she feels dirty and gross when I suggest sex to her, I’d just respond, “Let’s take a shower together then.” Not in a mean demanding way, but this is just common sense to me. However, usually after a workout, I can’t keep Venice off of me. She is playful when she is sweaty and actually enjoys staying sweaty and killing two birds with one stone.
Time management.
In your defense, it is possible your husband didn’t really want to try hard to get sex because he knew he was keeping track of all your silly excuses for 7 weeks. The spreadsheet wouldn’t mean much if he actually pushed the issue and ended up getting sex more than 3 times. So maybe the spreadsheet is a little over the top, but it worked. I don’t see how anyone can read that spreadsheet and not see there is a problem with your relationship.
I’ve preached about intimacy in the past. A healthy couple should practice intimacy each day. And before this reply gets side swiped by someone suggesting, “Well, sex isn’t the only form of intimacy!” That’s correct, but it’s the form I need each day to feel close to my soul mate. If you have another form of intimacy you would like to practice each day, then stack that on top of having sex each day so both people in the relationship get the intimacy they need daily. Because there are different forms of intimacy doesn’t mean one is replaceable. Sex is how two people bond physically and mentally. Sex is how a marriage becomes a unit, a single person. Even if just for a brief period, you both have the same goal. No matter what is going on in your life, you are both operating and functioning together as one. This is why intimacy is so important. You exercise each day for a healthy heart, you have sex and intimacy each day for a healthy marriage.
Him not answering the phone is nothing more than showing you how serious this issue is. If you have not been answering your biological phone for his intimacy needs for 27 days, don’t get upset when he doesn’t answer the phone for a few hours because of your need to talk to him. He is busy. Maybe he is doing the laundry or making himself dinner? Maybe he is feeling gross because he is laying around after spending time in the gym? I mean, he may call you back in the morning but he probably doesn’t want to be woke up. No big deal, don’t overreact or act childish about it. If he doesn’t call you back in 7 weeks, email us back.
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In the couples blogging community, more specifically, the sex blogging community, the term lifestyle comes up a lot. Usually, the word is associated with swingers and the swing lifestyle. What we do as a couple isn’t swinging, but because I am bisexual and our relationship is open to various women, we can relate a lot of our experiences to other open couples. Because of this acquaintance, we’ve dealt with the term “unicorn” a lot. In our lifestyle, and I do consider having female-female-male (FFM) threesomes its own lifestyle, I’d argue the term “unicorn” doesn’t really exist (although we are guilty of using the term).
Have you ever pulled into an 10 minute oil change shop and thought to yourself, “I wish they had 10 minute vagina repair shops.” Sure you have, we all have.
Ryan and I have been seeing one of our girlfriends for months now. For the most part, we’d only been seeing her during lunch breaks and occasionally dropping by her job to say hi. We’d been pretty content with seeing her sporadically, squeezing each other in during our days. But then things got a little more serious. For me, I would say the pivotal point of our “relationship” was when she started buying me things. It started with lunches, then gradually moved on to sex toys. To me, spending her hard-earned money meant that she thought about me/us as more than sexual gratification. And no matter how hard I wanted to ignore it, it tugged on my heart strings just a little bit.
I am really nervous about sharing this, but here it goes.