Before we started checking out social networks, much of what I knew about swinging was from movies and TV shows. Basically, we knew little to nothing about the swing lifestyle. I believed it was a couple who liked to have sex outside of their relationship and that was that; I decided not to delve into the different levels, details, and ranges of the swinging lifestyle. But as our minds have opened, we realized there is more to it than sex, greed, or the desire to experience others. To think otherwise would be ignorant.
As new bloggers, we were embraced and welcomed by swingers and other couples who were not categorized with the conventional “monogamous man and wife.” While Ryan and I do not intend to ever experiment with swinging, we became curious about the thought process and mindset of swinging and swingers. We asked several couples on we met through our Blog and Twitter to discuss swinging, and we were fortunate enough to be allowed into their lives. Below are their unedited responses…
Gunnar & Krystalla
1) How long have you been together/married?
Gunnar – It will be 14 years in the fall of this year. See I do remember dates 😉 As to being in the lifestyle it was the fall of 2011.
Krystalla – Yes, it will be 14 years married come September, but 18 years together about end of May 😉
2) When you entered the relationship, were you swingers? One or both of you?
G – I have had no thoughts about swinging other than what a wild fantasy it would be. Then again it was most guys fantasies to have two girls at once. As to wanting it to happen, maybe, but then again I had a very shy wife when we met. First in everything. She didn’t open up and become herself until just under a couple of years ago.
K – Neither of us had ever been in an ethical non-monogamous relationship prior and honestly I had no desire to back when we first got together.
3) Who approached who about introducing others into the relationship? How did the other respond?
G – Krystalla was the one that came forward about it. I have always mentioned that if she wanted to explore other cock that we can talk about it. As to my response, it was more shock that she would ask this. Took me a few days to come to grips with it. After writing an erotic story on how I felt and getting a former porn star to help me understand a girls point of view, I agree with how Krystalla approached it.
K – Yep, it was me who brought it up. I’m still not sure how I gathered the balls to do it, but I did. His first reaction was a very stunned “Okay”. We talked a LOT for the next few days, weeks, months. We started out playing separately, basically dating separately. It was a few months later that we decided to sign up on a swingers website and see where that took us.
4) Do you guys prefer being with other couples, only males, and/or only females?
G – We are the type that will go with the flow as long as it is comfortable and make sense. Neither of us are bi, although Krystalla has kissed a girl if the situation is right. We have done same room, separate room, and group play.
K – I can’t say I like one scenario over the other. They each have a different dynamic and I like aspects of each alone play, same room or group play. When playing alone, I can concentrate on my partner. If in a same room scenario, I’ve learned I like to watch (especially love watching Gunnar get and give pleasure) and if we’re all playing together…damn, that can be hot.
5) Was there (or is there currently) any feelings of jealousy?
G – Jealousy has never gone away over this whole roller coaster of a ride. What you have to do is to understand why you are jealous. Most times it is normal feelings that are causing the jealously. What cannot happen is not to voice your concerns with your partner. They must know how you feel so that it can be dealt with. Letting it boil and simmer can cause more complications and drama.
K – Jealousy is definitely something that still happens, but as Gunnar said, you have to figure out why you’re jealous and work through it, talk about it. Typically if I’m jealous of Gunnar, it’s not because of someone he’s talking to or crushing on, but would more result if I didn’t have anyone I felt similarly about at that moment. Honestly, I have also felt jealousy in an outside relationship, if I’ve seen or heard about the guy and/or husband I/we’re with, flirting or getting action elsewhere. Again, as Gunnar said you need to voice concerns with your primary partner and/or other partners because letting anything boil and fester can be detrimental to any and all relationships.
6) What are your sexual and emotional boundaries?
G – For myself I am still working through the emotional boundaries. This has always been something that I mentally work through. As to any sexual boundaries, I think the only thing that has been the hardest for me is to keep positive and not over think the situation.
K – I’m still learning about my sexual and emotional boundaries. Each person or couple we’ve met or been with has taught me something about myself. I’ve grown a lot in the past year and a half and am enjoying continuing and building on that.
7) Are you worried about physical or emotional attachments?
G – This lifestyle will cause a lot of discussions and if you are not careful, strain on your own relationship. You have to understand who you are, and who you are with for it to work. Trust is so important along with communication, and if either of these two fail then the whole experience will fail along with it. With that said physical attachments have happened for myself, but it is physical nothing else. Emotional I think I connect with everyone on some level but Krystalla is my first and will always be first before anyone else.
K – Honestly, no I’m not worried. There are typically two “types” of swingers; those who prefer NSA encounters (No Strings Attached) which are more casual and are generally over when the sex is over, and those that prefer FWB (Friends With Benefits). I say typically but know these can overlap in people. We’re a FWB couple. Our ultimate is finding a couple we connect with both on a friendship basis, where we’d hang out with each other, get to know their families and their lives, along with connecting with them sexually and having some really hot steamy sex. For me, the more I get to know someone and care about them, the more comfortable I am around them, trust them and am more apt to be open to new experiences. To add to that, I would have no problem if Gunnar or I ever fell in love with another individual(s) because I know he’s there for me first as I for him. Always. His being there and supporting me is very comforting and allows me to feel safe enough to explore and enjoy these experiences.
8) Were you ever or are you now worried about your anonymity with your family, friends, co-workers?
G – We have kept our lifestyle secret to majority of our friends. Most of them wouldn’t understand, or worse would probably stop being our friends. One of my close friends from High School was told and he suspected that we were doing this for years. Not sure if I should be flattered or insulted. We discussed that his wife shouldn’t know. A week or so later we found out he told her and she seemed to have disown us. None of my family know. Of my friends who know, 3 of the 5 are co-workers. Why? Well, I live eight hours a day at work so if I’m texting and chatting to girls it’s hard to keep that hidden from close friends.
K – We were definitely worried when we first opened up and delved into this lifestyle. Now though, I’m not as worried. I’m almost to the point that if a friend or family member would not accept us for who we are, then they don’t deserve to be important to us. My closest friends know (save one, and she would not understand for religious reasons, but that’s a topic I am not getting into) and accept our decision. The friend Gunnar was talking about (who figured we had been for years), he brought it up because he noticed the change in me personally, that I was more open and confident. That hasn’t been just because of opening up, but more because of a personal weight loss/getting healthy journey I’ve been on for almost the same amount of time. But I can’t deny, attention from outside sources does boost ones ego! LOL! I truly believe that our parents would have no real issues as long as we’re both happy. Nowadays, if someone came up and asked me, I’d tell them, but I wouldn’t volunteer the information.
9) For those who know about your lifestyle, how have they reacted?
G – Majority of them don’t care. They know when we have our ‘play time’ but beyond that it hasn’t changed much. As to my High school friend he has changed a bit. Seems to be more open about his choice of porn which we had never discussed. I really think the reaction is based on the person, personality and how open minded they are. If they are not open minded then the reaction will most likely be negative.
K – Generally, reactions have been that as long as Gunnar & I are happy, they’re fine with it.
10) Have you received negative reactions about swinging?
G – With who we’ve talked to about it, not really. Like Krystalla mentioned as long as we are happy they are good with it. The one friend who reacted never talked to us, so I think it is a judgment thing. I really look forward to see her later this year and seeing the reaction in person.
K – I’ve seen no negative reactions, except the one wife who unfrended us on Facebook. Honestly that didn’t bother me too much as they don’t live close to us and she wasn’t that good of a friend anyway.
11) How do you decide who you let into your bedroom? How did you approach those people regarding STDs, diseases, etc. (if that subject even comes up)? Conversely, how do you decide a person is not right for you as a couple?
G – Coincidentally, any time I have found a couple for us to meet, it has not worked out. This has been the result of there being no connection between the husband and my wife. Conversely the couples that my wife have found have generally worked out so far. Basically over the year and half that we have done this we have learned lots about ourselves and how to approach couples (new or experienced). Noobs have been our biggest eye opener since not everyone has fully disclosed to their spouse what they are looking for. Since we have had a majority of exposure to noobs STD and diseases have not really come up since they haven’t been with anyone but their partner. Protection is used with couples but with some there has not been, although it is mutual on if it is to be used or not.
K – We’ve had a couple of encounters where we played more because of the curiosity factor than anything else, but generally we feel that we both need some sort of connection with who we let into our private lives. We’ve honestly never had an in depth STD talk with anyone (I know, bad us), but most of the couples we’ve met have been new to the lifestyle (newbies/noobs) and haven’t been with anyone except their spouse in many years. The few couples that we’ve been with who have been experienced swingers, we’ve used protection with. We have fluid bonded with one couple (not used barrier protection) but that was mutually agreed upon.
12) Do you think there will come a time when you will become monogamous as a couple?
G – At this point in time I would say it could be possible but right now I am enjoying the people that we have meet. The one thing that I will say if that you are serious about the lifestyle you need to interact. Poking and prodding to try to get attention will not get you out there. Surprising enough we have meet more like minded people on the social networks than on the actual sites themselves.
K – At some point way down the road, I could see it. I hope that doesn’t come for a very long time though as I’m enjoying our life as it is now. I love how much closer Gunnar and I have become. I love how the two of us have evolved as people, being much more open with each other and others. I love meeting and connecting with new people, experiencing things I never thought I would.
13) What is the one thing that you can suggest, advise or piece of knowledge you would like to share about the lifestyle.
G – Communication is key to the lifestyle. If you and your partner do not communicate then you will have complications and drama. Since we have opened up, our communication has been more open and we realized how much we didn’t talk before we did this.
K – And not just communication with each other. You also need open communication with the couple you’re interested in. If feelings are going to get hurt, it generally happens because someone isn’t honest with themselves, or did not share information with everyone involved. If you ever find yourself in a situation you’re not comfortable with, speak up! Experienced swingers will not take offence to this. Also I’d say for newbies, don’t jump in head first. Go slow. Yes, your hormones will be amped up crazy, but you can do damage to your relationship and yourself (let alone the relationship of the other couple) if you jump in and don’t speak up or don’t know what you truly want.
Numbnutt69 & LexxiBlue
1) How long have you been together/married?
We have been together for 23 years and married for 17 of those.
2) When you entered the relationship, were you swingers? One or both of you?
When we met and entered into this relationship, neither of us really knew what swinging was. We met while in high school. We were still “innocent”.
3) Who approached who about introducing others into the relationship? How did the other respond?
@numbnutt69 broached the subject of opening our relationship with me. He had found a local swingers club and proposed that we attend an evening. I wasn’t completely closed off about it but not quite comfortable with the idea either. I wasn’t sure what this would mean. While @numbnutt69 had the honor of my virginity, it also meant that several years into our relationship, I hadn’t experienced anyone else. But I was confused by the word “cheating”. It was not that I was concerned that this meant he would be “cheating” on me but that I would be “cheating” on him. @numbnutt69 had to convince me that he did not consider it such. The other thing that I expressed to @numbnutt69 was that while I was not closed off to the idea, I felt that this was the sort of thing we should try when we are older. Anyhow, I finally gave in to go to the club and was very nervous. Once that evening was over, it took quite some time for me to agree to go back.
4) Do you guys prefer being with other couples, only males, and/or only females?
@Numbnutt69 does not have any preference so I set the pace since I have always been more reserved. That being said, the preference is to play with other couples. Until recently, this was a hard rule. However, we have met a great couple that has increased my comfort level and we are prepared to play with each member of that couple independently. However, it is still within a couple dynamic, which still remains within my preference.That being said, we have experienced multiple variations to swinging in a swingers club setting but our preference is still to find a couple of couples that can be defined as good friends with benefit.
5) Was there (or is there currently) any feelings of jealousy?Let’s define jealousy here.
To us, jealousy means to envy the object of attention of the other partner. So in that sense of the word, no there is no jealousy. That being said however, there’s a sense of envy when one decides they want to try something new or something that both enjoy and the other does not get to do the same. It is a jealousy of the situation that both of us want to experience but for whatever reason cannot both have.
6) What are your sexual and emotional boundaries?I have yet to discover my hard sexual boundaries?
This scares me in a sense, because I simply don’t know when I will reach that boundary and will I be able to express it. As for @numbnutt69, gay relations are the boundary he will not cross under any circumstance. I think this covers the sexual boundaries. As for the emotional boundaries, we haven’t really thought about or discussed this.
7) Are you worried about physical or emotional attachments?
We have been together for so long and have developed very good communication tools between us. We have no doubts about our devotion and our loyalties for each other. That being said, as mentioned in an earlier question, we have recently met a very nice couple. It would appear that we are developing some very strong physical and emotional attachments to each other and the feeling appears to be mutual amongst the four of us. @Numbnutt69 and myself have been trying for the last 16 years or so to find some very good friends with benefits; a couple with whom we could be ourselves completely. It would seem that we have found this and thank them tremendously for letting us into their lives.
8) Were you ever or are you now worried about your anonymity with your family, friends, co-workers?
This was a concern for many years. We worried about what our parents would think mostly. That being said, I think the main reason we were concerned by this was that I hadn’t fully accepted the choices we were making as it related to our lifestyle. Recently, through new experiences, I have come to realize that these are choices that we have made as a couple and we are thoroughly happy. Therefore, why should I try so hard to keep it from them. Therefore, while we do not advertise our lifestyle, we do not broadcast it either. I think it helps that we have a couple of good friends that do know about our lifestyle, not to mention our kids, and the response was not negative. In fact, none of them were surprised by the information. We have their support and this helps.
9)For those who know about your lifestyle, how have they reacted?
Our children, who are now adults, were not surprised by the information. In fact, they said it explained some things for them. As mentioned in the previous question, we have a couple of friends who know about our lifestyle. They have both reacted positively and have had questions. In fact, they enjoy looking over our shoulders at some of our twitter feeds. As of yet, we have not yet met with any negative reactions but we do expect that it may happen one day.
10) Have you received negative reactions about swinging?
As mentioned in previous question, not yet.
11) How do you decide who you let into your bedroom?How did you approach those people regarding STDs, diseases, etc. (if that subject even comes up)? Conversely, how do you decide a person is not right for you as a couple?
A lot of it is based on instincts and first impressions. We don’t really have any preference because we look for how easy it is to talk to the other couple. That being said, for years we were club swinger and experimented with different couples. As for the question about STD diseases, we always used protection, asked the other couple about their health, and my limit was soft swap. Again, this has changed with the meeting of this new couple we have recently met. Soft swap is not a limit with them. As for how we decide a person is not right for us, again, it is based on instincts and first impressions.
12) Do you think there will come a time when you will become monogamous as a couple?
Not in the foreseeable future. We have great friends with benefits right now. Our marriage has been open almost as long as we have been married. We have had long periods of time where we were monogamous, but it was more related to external circumstances as opposed to a conscious desire to close off to the lifestyle.
Mysticnites
1) How long have you been together/married?
We will be married 22 years this December.
2) When you entered the relationship, were you swingers? One or both of you?
No we weren’t.
3) Who approached who about introducing others into the relationship? How did the other respond?
Actually it was Jerry Springer that started us out. Watching a show a girl wanted to bring another female into a relationship and the guy freaked out. I said the guy was crazy and so did my wife. I kinda did a double take and said Really? This is when J came out and said she was Bi and had been since high school but repressed the feelings because she thought they were wrong. And so it started 12 years ago.
4) Do you guys prefer being with other couples, only males, and/or only females?
We started out with just couples with Bi females but have since moved on to singles as well. Finding a single bi female is very rare. We have been with a few single males as they are much easier to find
5) Was there (or is there currently) any feelings of jealousy?
I think we have both had our moments of jealousy. but they go away quickly and we always make sure we talk about what we are feeling. We also don’t “take one for the team” if we both are not attracted to the couple we don’t pursue it.
6) What are your sexual and emotional boundaries?
We first started out with no kissing but that seemed silly we feel it is a major point of foreplay. Anal is another that was meant just for us but she has experienced that from others.
7) Are you worried about physical or emotional attachments?
We have had couples that got clingy and possessive and we ended those relationships quickly. We do not do this to find new husbands or wives. We got into this to enjoy the sexual enhancements of swinging. We are not saying we don’t like to make friends with other couples, we just don’t want to become exclusive with them.
8) Were you ever or are you now worried about your anonymity with your family, friends, co-workers?
When we first started we hid things but now not so much. Most of our families know, as we also ran a swingers club for over a year and a half. We saw a lot of people at our club that you would not expect, doctors, lawyers, politicians, but you have to realize they are there for the same reason you are.
9) For those who know about your lifestyle, how have they reacted?
For the most part curiously. Some have said I cant believe you can do that with your spouse. Others have said that is cool that you have that much trust in each other.
10) Have you received negative reactions about swinging?
Again not really negative just shock that we can do this.
11) How do you decide who you let into your bedroom? How did you approach those people regarding STDs, diseases, etc. (if that subject even comes up)? Conversely, how do you decide a person is not right for you as a couple?
We always talk about everything and we also try to meet the couple or person before hand to see if we connect. If we do connect then we set up another get together and see how things go from there. Like I said neither one of us will take one for the team if we both aren’t comfortable then we wont go any further. We will always use condoms when the situation calls for it.
12) Do you think there will come a time when you will become monogamous as a couple?
We have no problem with becoming monogamous as a couple again, We don’t need to be “swingers” we just enjoy the enhancement of it! We are far from bed hopping people. If we were to go to a club, and if the worst thing that happens at the end of the night is that I get to go home and fuck my wife, I think I am doing pretty damn good!! Swinging is a hobby, not a profession!
We appreciate all couples for spending some of their time answering a few of our questions. If you are a reader and have something you’d like to share through our blog, please contact us.
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