Category: All Sex Talk

The quoted portion of this blog was originally published on September 16, 2011 by Michael Castleman, M.A. in All About Sex.  All non-quoted content is by Ryan and Venice Bloggs of Fuckblogging.com

Unfortunately, a lot of us spend way too much time focusing on things we absolutely have no control over.  Men focus on their penis sizes and women focus on whether their vaginas are tight or loose.  Honestly, I do not think many women focus on the tightness of their vagina like a man focuses on whether his dick is big enough, but we are aware of it.  Especially since any time we mention a man having a small member, we are immediately told that maybe it's because our vaginas are too big.  Like women secretly creating lists of their biggest boyfriends or writing blogs about how they will never forget their experience with some half-witted guy they once dated, just because his cock was huge.  Men also have their own lists, except their lists can not be measured with a ruler.

Many women complain that their vaginas are "too tight" or "too loose," and many men raise the issue about lovers. Notions of vaginal tightness and looseness are fraught with mythology. Many people believe that (1) the virgin vagina is extremely tight, (2) that loss of virginity permanently loosens it, (3) that frequent sex loosens it further (so don't be promiscuous, girls!), and (4) that childbirth loosens the vagina even more and possibly forever after. The truth is considerably different."

Venice Bloggs:  From personal experience, my own vag changes from day to day as far as it feeling "loose" or "tight" around Ryan.  Due to military obligations, I had gone several weeks without having sex with him.  When I returned home, we both could feel a significant change in my body.  It seemed my vaginal walls created a more constricted feeling the moment of initial penetration, i.e. I felt tighter.  Whether our excitement caused his penis to be harder or me to be wetter (which, by the way, contribute to this supposed tightness), looseness and tightness have varied.

Our walls were meant to be stretched, tightened, and strengthened, especially through doing kegel exercising.  I could easily argue that we had gone without sex for so long that I "bounced back" to my original tightness, but after about 10 minutes, the tightness in me loosened, whether through continued thrusting or me adjusting back to having sex again.

Similarly, Ryan has gone away on business trips for entire weekends at a time and leaving us both sexless for 2 1/2 days.  Then upon returning on Sunday evening, we'd have sex of course.  But I feel the same vaginal tightness after abstaining for 2 1/2 days as I do after 6 weeks.  We've been married for many years, and every time we go without sex, even as little as a few days, and we get back to our daily intimate time, my vagina refuses to "stay open."  A woman's vagina won't magically stay the circumference of her man's dick (or dildo), especially if it's not a regular thing for her to have sex or use a toy.  We're resilient and adapt to what we encounter.  And when it's all said and done, we return to our normal, and by normal I mean pre-insertion state.

What I don't have any experience in is what a vagina feels like after having a baby.  I've never pushed a baby out, but I've heard horror stories about how women rip all the way to their anus during childbirth.  If this were true, I have no idea how the muscles are connected to the anus and if childbirth changes either the muscle or the skin tightness.

Ryan Bloggs:  I've always been a huge skeptic when it came to the "tightness" factor of a  woman's vagina.   When I say skeptic, I am talking about a woman and the amount of partners she has had equates to that woman's vagina being extremely loose.  I have always felt that this idea was based off men being angry at women (the same way women who slept with multiple men are sluts, while a man who does the same is a stud) and wanting to brand them with the title "loose."   Sometimes the anger develops because they really like this woman but want to hurt them the same way they hurt when they think about her past.  Or sometimes they are just angry because she is more experienced and it's an ego thing.   Other times it's after a nasty breakup and both sides say anything to upset or embarrass each other.

I do feel over exposure or experience  creates a mental relaxation with women, leaving them less tense/tight.  While inexperience creates fear, leaving them tense and tighter.   For example, if I am poked by a needle each day, although my skin isn't any looser, I will eventually be stoic and emotionless to the idea of the needle piercing my skin and body.  However, if it's my first shot ever, I may panic, cringe, and even cry at the idea of something entering me that isn't supposed to be there.  Even if it doesn't hurt, the thought alone tenses up my entire body.   Does the more shots I get mean my pores are loosening and I am a syringe slut?  As stupid as that sounds, I feel the same way when I hear another man talk about a woman's vagina being "loose."  For guys like me, that sounds more like an insult to his own penis size.  My mouth isn't loose from eating each day, my anus isn't loose from going to the bathroom daily, and my urethra isn't expanding because each day it blasts out a stream of urine.  That logic is flawed.

However, the idea of a woman being "mentally loose" is not flawed.  The same analogy I used with the needle piercing the skin leaving me stoic and emotionless, may bug a lot of men who want a woman's experience to be exciting and new.  Undoubtedly, a woman who has slept with a lot of men will be mentally "loose" when compared to a woman who has very little experience.  This concept is not really being mentioned by anyone when talks of the tightness of a woman's vagina is brought up.

Also, from a males perpective, a woman and her tightness can very from race to race.   If a black woman feels she is "too loose" because of something her boyfriend said, when his previous girlfriend was an Asian woman, is she wrong?   Asian women are indeed smaller than other races when it comes to their vaginas.  Although I have  always been attracted to Asian women, I never put thought into this stereotype.  I thought it was cute and something dirty to say to an Asian woman in the bedroom.  I never really thought the idea out.  After participating with Venice in writing a few articles about penis size, I used deductive reasoning to conclude that if by average an Asian male is smaller than other races lengthwise, then an Asian woman must have a smaller, or more shallow vagina.  If you disagree with every study you've ever seen and do not think Asian males, on average, have smaller penis sizes than other races, then please ignore this paragraph.  I do understand that every woman is different and unique, and there are some Asian women with large vaginas, but on average, I would say they physically match their male counterparts.  I am not trying to say some races are loose, others are tight (–tightER, possibly), but if the males are physically smaller on average, then the females anatomy would also be smaller.  Common sense.   Genetically, an Asian women will develop the same as her male counterpart.  However, if an Asian woman (or any woman) is with a more hung man, she may temporarily adapt, but after a few weeks of restraining from sex, her body will return back to her natural size.  What may not ever be the same again is her mind and attitude towards sex with a larger penis. She now knows she can handle a larger sized male and will never be the same mentally.  Again, mental vs physical.  At first when I used the word adaptation, I felt like I was cheating this article.  Adaptation to a larger penis would in essence be, the woman is getting "larger" or "looser."  I do think a woman adapts to her lover, but I do not believe the adaptation is permanent.  I think that is really what Michael Castleman's article focuses on:  the physical idea that women's bodies do not permanently stretch or stay loose.

Although I do not think any race is that different in "tightness", I would question the idea of how shallow/deep a woman is per her race.  I believe the feeling of bottoming out or hitting the back of a woman's vagina, definitely makes her feel much tighter, especially with the majority of the sensation a man feels is in the tip of his penis.

"Vaginal Tightness

Imagine a hand towel stuffed inside a thick sock squeezed by two hands. The sock is the vagina. The towel is the folded muscle tissue of the vaginal wall. And the hands are the pelvic floor muscles that surround the vagina.

The vagina's tightly folded muscle tissue is very elastic, like an accordion or the mouth. Try this: Pull the corners of your mouth out toward your ears then let go. What happens? The mouth immediately snaps back to its pre-stretched state because the tissue is elastic. Do it 100 times. There's no permanent stretching. The mouth quickly returns to its pre-stretched state and no one would ever know you'd stretched it.

The same goes for the vagina, with two exceptions I'll discuss shortly. When it's at rest–all the time except sexual arousal and childbirth–the vagina's muscle tissue remains tightly folded like a closed accordion. Anxiety makes the vaginal musculature clench even tighter. That's why young girls sometimes have problems inserting tampons. Their vaginal muscle tissue is tight and contracted to begin with, and many girls feel anxious about touching themselves and inserting anything, so the muscles contract even tighter.

As women become sexually aroused, vaginal muscle tissue relaxes somewhat. Biologically, this makes perfect sense. Evolution is all about facilitating reproduction. A tight vagina would impede intercourse and reproduction, so women evolved to have sexual arousal relax the vaginal muscles, allowing easier insertion of erections–and greater chance of pregnancy.

However, arousal-related vaginal loosening does NOT produce a big open cavity like the inside of a sock. Rather, the vaginal interior changes from resembling a tight fist to a fist loose enough to insert a finger or two.

If the vagina feels "too tight" during lovemaking, the woman is either (1) not interested in sex, or (2) she has not had enough warm-up time to allow her vaginal musculature to relax enough for comfortable insertion.

A man who attempts intercourse before the woman is fully aroused–before her vagina has relaxed and become well lubricated–is either sexually unsophisticated or a boor. Most women require at least 30 minutes of sensuality-kissing, hugging, and mutual massage for their vaginas to relax enough to allow the penis to slide in comfortably. That's why leisurely, playful, whole-body lovemaking is so important. It gives women (and men) the warm-up time they need. In addition, it also allows the vagina to relax, and, in most women, produce enough natural lubrication for comfortable intercourse. In other words, the solution to vaginal tightness is extended foreplay. It you need more lubrication, try a commercial lubricant.

One final note: If a woman experiences pain and/or great difficulty inserting a tampon or accepting an erection, the cause may be vaginismus, unusual clenching of the vaginal muscles. For suspected vaginismus, consult a physician."

Venice Bloggs:  I understand how women can clench and contract their vaginal muscles if they're not physically or mentally ready for penetration (dryness, not in the mood, rape, hormonal changes, to name a few instances).  The mind certainly has a lot to do with what the body experiences.  However, I don't agree in the reasons a woman feels "too tight" during lovemaking are because she's not interested in sex or hasn't had enough warm-up time.  This is true for me a lot of the times because I know deepthroating and sucking cock literally gets me wet.  But there are times I believe I'm ready and lubricated enough for sex, but it just isn't enough.  Though these times are rare, it is definitely possible.  Even after being experienced at inserting tampons, I make a conscious effort to relax my muscles before putting it in otherwise it can go in at an awkward angle, causing discomfort.  The same goes for sex.  When he first penetrates, I tell him not to move and to let me control my body movements until I am ready for him to do the moving.

For the author to state that a man who "attempts intercourse before the woman is fully aroused–before her vagina has relaxed and become well lubricated–is either sexually unsophisticated or a boor" is a bold and vicious attempt at degrading men as lovers.  I believe people have to talk to their partners to become fully aware of what the other will do instead of anticipating wrongly.  Sometimes my mind says I'm ready, when my body is – according to this author – not.  Sometimes my body is ready even when I'm not aware of it (i.e., I've felt my thighs get so wet long before I was ready for penetration).  The point is, my current state of mind can have nothing to do with how my body feels, or it can have everything to do with it.

Ryan Bloggs: The author makes some great points here.  A lot of the ideas mirror my own, but I find it very interesting how he observes a woman being "anxious" to touch herself or insert something into her vagina,  which almost instinctively forces her vaginal muscles to clench tighter.  This would be an argument for a woman who is more experienced also being much more relaxed and open.  Their bodies will not naturally clinch, as they are relaxed and prepared for what is going to happen.  I disagree with the article stating that a man doesn't know what he is doing if the vagina feels too tight for sex.   A woman can be totally prepared for sex, but still be anxious about the idea of a man inside her, especially if she is less experienced.  A man can obviously misinterpret a woman being "relaxed" and "comfortable" due to  experience as "loose."   Do I believe that a woman gets tight and loose physically?  Not really.  I do believe their bodies tightness adapts to their partners circumference, big or small.  I do not believe a woman's vagina's depth adapts to their partner though.  If a penis is shorter, he may never bottom out in his partner.   The bottoming out sensation does create a tighter feeling.

I do believe mentally a woman changes as she gets more experienced.  I also feel that if she is overly experienced she may just be too relaxed, which will give a sensation of looseness.  Does it matter if the woman is exactlly the same physically as young inexperienced woman yet feels totally loose because she is much more relaxed and experienced?  After sex, should men assume physically she was just as tight as every woman he has had, she was just more relaxed, comfortable, turned on, and wasn't worried at all about how his penis would feel inside her?  I think that is the bigger question.

 If the vagina feels "too tight" during lovemaking, the woman is either (1) not interested in sex, or (2) she has not had enough warm-up time to allow her vaginal musculature to relax enough for comfortable insertion."

I understand what the author is saying but I feel the statement is too broad.  There are a lot more reasons than this why a woman feels "too tight".  Every man isn't built the same and naturally a woman can be too small and tight for a larger penis, regardless of how turned on or interested she is in sex.  Penises come in many shapes and sizes, and a large penis can make even the most experienced, turned on, horny woman still feel extra tight.  Some women can handle it, some can't.  A woman can also be tense and nervous wanting to impress her lover (if she actually really likes him — rather than just a no strings attached fling), which makes her feel extra tight, even if she is turned on and ready.   An experienced woman can purposely kegel the entire experience and purposely create a "too tight" feeling.  An experienced woman can also purposely rub the penis dry with her palm during sex by pulling him out and stroking his shaft (–purposely drying off his penis), then inserting him back in her body to create more friction and make her vagina feel extremely tight. This technique can almost be a tug-o-war, who can bare the friction the longest.  Regardless of how wet a vagina is at first, eventually the lubrication will dry some as the man moves in and out of a woman's body.  As a woman's vagina dries during intercourse it creates more friction, which helps the man achieve a better orgasm.  An experienced woman who understands this drying technique can make her vagina feel insanely tight,  especially if she enjoys the pain and friction sensations.

I will admit that a woman being properly lubricated, whether it be with his saliva or her own body juices, takes away a lot of friction and gives the sensation of looseness.   The more you turn a woman on, the more loose she seems to feel.  Intercourse in the beginning, slow, wet, and loose.   The longer you have intercourse, the faster you go, the less time her body can lubricate on the inside, the tighter she feels, the more friction is created, the faster the orgasm sensation builds for both of you, the pain of friction sends messages to your prostate to release, the inside of the vagina is again soaking wet from your semen and her orgasm juices.   Sex in a nutshell.

"Vaginal Looseness

After relaxing during sex, vaginal muscle tissue naturally contracts–tightens–again. Intercourse does NOT permanently stretch the vagina. This process, loosening during arousal and tightening afterward, happens no matter how often the woman has sex.

The vagina stretches a great deal during childbirth, like an accordion opened all the way. Post-partum does it re-tighten completely? Yes, usually, at least in young women, that is, women in their late teens and early twenties. Within six months after delivery, the typical young woman's vagina feels pretty much how it was before she gave birth.

Now for the two exceptions. If you stretch elastic a great deal, over time, it fatigues and no longer snaps back entirely. That can happen to the vaginas of young women after multiple births. Their vaginal muscles fatigue and no longer fully contract. In addition, aging fatigues vaginal muscle. Whether or not women have given birth, as they grow older, they may complain of looseness.

Today, many woman delay childbearing until after 30, and some have children after 40. Combine the rigors of older childbearing with the effects of aging on the vaginal muscles, and many women complain of looseness. Women who give birth after around 30 may notice persistent looseness after delivering only one child. Individual differences account for the fact that birth- and age-related looseness happens to some women and not others.

Here's a quick fix for vaginal looseness. Have intercourse in the man-on-top position. Once he inserts, he lifts himself up and the woman closes her legs. Her thighs squeeze his penis and make her feel tighter.

The tightening approach most often recommended by sex therapists is Kegel exercises. Kegels, named for the doctor who popularized them, involve contracting the muscles used to interrupt urine flow or squeeze out the last few drops.

Kegels do, indeed, tighten the vagina, but they have nothing to do with the vaginal muscles. They strengthen the pelvic floor muscles that surround the vagina, the hands that hold the stuffed sock. Age and childbearing fatigue these muscles. The hands don't grip the sock as tightly and the towel feels loose. Kegels tighten the pelvic floor muscles. The hands squeeze the sock, which clamps down on the towel, and the vagina feels tighter.

Kegels are totally private. They can be practiced anytime anywhere. Start slowly and over several weeks, work up to a half-dozen sets of 10 contractions several times a day. In a few months, you should feel tighter. You should also enjoy more intense orgasms. The pelvic floor muscles contract during orgasm. As they become stronger, so do orgasms.

If several months of daily Kegels don't produce the tight feeling you want, try ben-wa balls or vaginal cones. Ben-wa balls are sold as sex toys. Insert them, then walk around the house trying to keep them from falling out. When the pelvic floor muscles are weak, the balls drop out quickly, but as the muscles grow stronger, women can hold the balls inside longer. Vaginal cones are similar, except they're prescribed by physicians.

If vaginal cones don't work, electrical stimulation of the vaginal muscles is your last resort. A nurse inserts a probe similar to a tampon and a mild electrical current causes muscle contractions that make the vagina feel tighter. Treatments happen in a urologist's office during 20- to 30-minute sessions usually twice a week for about eight weeks.

Unfortunately, the mythology of vaginal tightness and looseness is deeply ingrained. I'll probably get nay-saying comments from people who swear that deflowering caused permanent loosening. I'm not about to argue with anyone's experience. I'm just describing the physiology. What do you think?"

Venice Bloggs:  There are so many factors that contribute to the sensation of a woman being "tight" or "loose."  This article has done a great job in attempting to explain the various reasoning between the two, but as he concluded, he was just describing the physiology.  There is definitely a connection between what your mind wants and transmits (psychological) and what your body wants and omits (physiological).

It's important that both men and women understand these factors and talk to each other about what's going on with their bodies, both separately and as a sexually active couple.

Ryan Bloggs:  I took a screen shot of a few comments regarding Nadya Suleman's (sometimes referred to as Octomom because she gave birth to 8 babies) vagina.  Of course, this was after these people watched her solo porn, "Home Alone."

As most of you may already know, Nadya Suleman had a Caesarean section.  Yes, she gave birth to 8 kids at once, but this was not done through vaginal birth.  Judging by the comments above, simply because a woman had children, especially to multiple chrildren at once, not only does she need surgery to fix her deformed vagina but it is also seen as disgusting.   I'd say the responses were extremely immature, but this ideology is somehow ingrained in a man's head.  It is these preconceived notions that also lead to men claiming a women is loose because of how many sexual partners she has had.

The quoted portion of the article above is great, but in my own experience, Venice seems to feel tighter with age (–although she has never experienced a vaginal birth).  Obviously, each person is different.  Maybe my penis is still growing (wishful thinking huh?!) or maybe her body doesn't get as lubricated as when she was in her teens or twenties.  Or maybe she knows how to control her own body and manipulate what I feel.   I do get the concept of the muscles loosening with age, and maybe Venice isn't at the age yet where her body begins to break down and loosen.  Regardless there are plenty of things a woman can do to give her lover tighter sensations for the rest of her life.  Learning to deep throat, opening her mind to anal, and developing her own techniques to manipulating the vaginal experience to feel much tighter than she would if she just laid there and glazed her vagina with lubrication (gel, saliva, or natural wetness).

I will give the author the benefit of the doubt, simply because I haven't experienced a woman who has felt loose after multiple child births, and I assume everything with age will loosen or sag.  I guess my entire theme throughout this article has been, age also plays a huge factor in awareness and comfort.  I just can't imagine a 55 year old woman being intimidated by any penis.  The cougar doesn't fear it, she attacks it and wants it.

Too many variables in my opinion.

Source: Michael Castleman, M.A. in All About Sex