Q&A: Should I Tell The Husband’s Wife he is Gay and Sleeping With Me?
We met on Grindr. I live in a major city, he lived in a small suburb about 40 minutes away, so we always met up in my city for dates and my apartment for sex for the past 3 years, once or twice a week. Plus he went to a gym that was close to my apartment, so he was always in the area, there was never really a reason for me to go out to the suburbs. We were never exclusive, and he’s bisexual, so I knew he was having sex with both men and women while we were doing our thing.
One day without any warning he blocked my number. I needed to know what I’d done wrong. So I started sleuthing online, trying to find an e-mail address I use to write him, if only to get closure. He has a very generic name (like “John Smith” but not actually “John Smith). I don’t use Facebook, and so when he said he didn’t have Facebook, it didn’t really raise any red flags for me. But I got on Facebook and start searching for everyone with his name: no luck. I knew he was friends with a trainer at the gym, so I found the trainer on Facebook, and started going through his friends list: no one with that name. But I found someone else with his picture. And he was married.
I’ve been coming to terms with the fact that I’ve been having sex for the past 3 years with a married man whose name I didn’t even know. Not only did he tell me his name was “John Smith” but he told me he’d been engaged but broken up with his fiancee because he’d caught her cheating, and while he was heartbroken, realized he was bisexual and decided to explore that side of his sexuality. Instead, he was married and he’d been cheating on his wife.
A part of me wants to contact his wife to tell her he’s been having unprotected sex with other women and men. I don’t know whether it’s out of concern for her health and safety–I’m on PreP but I doubt she is–or to satisfy my need for vengeance. But another part of me doesn’t want to out his sexuality. I don’t know what to do.
Venice’s response to gay husband
Interesting question. Part of me says tell the wife, because she deserves to know. The other part of me says, snitches get stitches.
Let’s try to figure out why he blocked you.
The chances are, when he blocked you he was already caught. Especially if he blocked you for no reason and without warning. Whether it be she found emails or texts from you two, or another man (or woman). In the process of working it out, most people require all outside contact is shut off, cold turkey. Whether it be from her, or from him showing her that he will never do it again. A guilty conscious, him trying to do what is right, or her doing it for him and him being cooperative. Him reaching out “one last time” for closure, shows he cared. We have to assume he told his wife he doesn’t care about any of them, it was just sex.
Sound familiar?
If you do reach out, just know, the wife is more likely to believe him than you anyway. You may cause an argument, but he will more than likely find a way to label you as some weird stalker from the gym. He’ll downplay anything he has done. And once they’ve cleared that up, him ever contacting you again is definitely out of the picture.
My advice is let him go and move on. If he has already made the steps to block you, and it really was without reason, then she probably already knows. Blocking you seems reactive to them probably getting in a fight over her seeing the emails herself. If you ever want to see him again, show him you can keep your relationship discrete and do your own thing.
Remember, you aren’t just calling her and letting her know he is a cheater, you are calling her and letting her know he is a cheater and gay. Be careful.
Ryan’s response to gay husband
It seems like him blocking you for no reason would be the biggest hint that she already knows. He was probably already caught. His reaction was to block everyone to show her he is a changed man. Telling the wife only shows that he will never be able to trust you again, if he ever did (he has been lying to you the whole time). You’re not going to be the hero that saves her from STDs, but you will get that revenge you may subconsciously want.
I find it hard to believe after 3 years with “John Smith” you didn’t already know the deal. I think now that you lost contact, you are desperate and trying to think of any way to get back in contact with him, even if its through his wife. Start the healing process and let it go.
I tried telling him that our bodies are weird and why should we lim
Personally, as an Asian woman, I do not think Asian culture is any different than masculine men culture, it’s universally embarrassing for most straight men to first come out about enjoying fingers in your ass. Even now, in a lot of urban, more masculine cultures in America, some men won’t even admit to masturbating. It’s a sign of weakness. Why masturbate when I can get pussy? And a lot of men, especially the immature ones in their early teens to late 20s, still get embarrassed at the thought of eating pussy. 
So we put on a little “show.” Acting upset, shocked, or just letting the other person know how disgusted we are, may be some authentic emotion, but it is also to save face. And we’ll save face until we feel comfortable that you didn’t judge us, you accepted our kink, and it’s okay to enjoy what we enjoy. So far, you have done everything right! You said all the right things. You were patient. You have now went through all the obstacles you think he is going through, from being embarrassed or emasculated, and are starting to understand, he isn’t gay. He just likes anal play. Now, 
Now I’m not here to insult anyone who enjoys being jackhammered, and I am going to mention some rough sex is really good when it’s right. HOWEVER, this was undeniably the most painful and worst sexual experience I’ve ever had… twice..
The first time we had sex he went wild. He was ripping me around the bed, licking my butthole, putting fingers in every hole possible, choking me, jackhammering me. (Talk about boundaries?!) I was so shocked by it all I was barely able to communicate properly. I was so uncomfortable. I mentioned to him “do you ever have slow sex?” “woah relax” but he was not taking any hints. I actually had to stop him after 45 minutes because my vagina was so raw and he was not even close to climaxing. I chalked it up to him being young and nervous and just trying to impress me by doing anything he can think of but I was so wrong.
I figured I would mention it to him if we ended up in bed again. The second time when we were making out I made a joke that I was scared to sleep with him because he’s A) huge and B) crazy (not in a good way) he needs to slow down.. So he spent extra time touching me, going down on me, was slow to jump into sex, but when we did get into sex he was insane. He had no reaction to me riding him, NONE. Instead, he fucked me even harder than the last time and the only way he could cum was by literally jackhammering me forever. It was fucking horrible and so painful.
Here’s the thing. We were good friends before all of this and it’s safe to say I never want to sleep with him again, but he is really into me. He texts me to hang out all the time, takes me on nice dates, spends hours talking to me.. but the sex is just terrible.. I know he’s going to ask what’s up when I tell him I’m not interested in sleeping with him and I want to lay it all out for the poor guy before he goes into his prime 20’s thinking that’s how women want to be fucked. He’s clearly got a major 
Public Service Announcement for Men: Don’t Ruin Our Orgasms