Years ago, when Venice and I were still dating, we explored each other’s bodies daily. I had never really touched my body, my testicles, and as I already mentioned in a previous article, I masturbated prone. I was young, around 19 years old, and during a blow job while standing up Venice felt a lump in my testicles. This was a first for me, as I had never really explored my testicles and didn’t really know what all the different textures felt like. After she showed me, I also felt the lump. This freaked me out so I made an appointment with a doctor on a military base. I was still a military dependent in college, so I could still use the on base facilities.
On the day of my appointment, I was a bit nervous. I had never dropped my pants in front of a doctor so I didn’t know what to expect. What’s funny is, growing up I played sports but was extremely shy, so my dad would sign the all my sports physical forms, as a doctor, to save me from having to drop my pants and cough while I was a teenager. I know that sounds dumb but I appreciated not having to be humiliated. I probably wouldn’t have played sports in school if my dad actually made me go to a doctor prior. I hated the idea of exposing myself. I also didn’t think I needed a doctor to fondle my nuts while I coughed to know that I could play basketball (which I played every day my whole life up until that point).
Back to my lump. As Venice and I sat in the back room waiting for the doctor to enter, we heard a female voice next door talking to a nurse.
“Seargent Tucker came in today again,” the first female voice announced.
“Oh no,” Responded the female second voice. “Again?”
“Yes, I walked in the room this time and he had his penis already out, exposing himself to me. This is the 3rd time this week he has came in and had me check him,” said the first female voice.
“That’s ridiculous,” responded the second female voice.
“While I am checking him he starts getting an erection so I stopped immediately,” says the first female voice.
“You should call his commanding office and let him know what he is doing,” the second female voice responded.
At that point I made a funny face and looked at Venice. Venice looked back at me and made a hand motion of someone giving oral sex and fondling a man’s balls. I couldn’t help but laugh. I suppose on military facilities there isn’t really a “knock before you enter” protocol because my physician entered the room and caught Venice giving oral sex to air while I was watching and laughing. What a great start for such an embarrassing situation for me.
The doctor, an Asian lady that resembled Lucy Liu, asked if she was interrupting something. Like two shamed school kids, we both looked down and shook our heads no. She then asked me what my reasons were for coming in that day. I explained to her that we found a lump in my testicles and wanted to know if I was dying. She asked me to stand up and remove my pants so she could have a look.
Jeez, slow down Doc.
So, let me list all the things going through my mind:
- Doctor, how long do I have to live?
- I hope Venice doesn’t slap this doctor for touching me.
- Please penis, don’t be “just stepped out of a cold pool” tiny right now.
- I hope the doctor doesn’t laugh at my penis.
- I hope my dick isn’t swollen or too big. I don’t want her to think I am Seargent Tucker
- Will she be able to tell that my penis is crooked just by looking at?
- Oh God, why the fuck does she have to be a woman.
- Oh God, why the fuck does she have to be a Asian woman.
- Oh God, why the fuck does she have to be a cute Asian woman.
- I hope the doctor doesn’t excite me and cause my penis to grow.
- Her hands better be warm if she touches my balls.
Seriously, what the fuck is the proper etiquette with your penis when a doctor enters the room? Is it allowed to be stretched a bit so it isn’t totally shriveled?
Not to be a pervert, but I can see why Seargent Tucker seemed to be having so many penis problems himself. This doctor was adorable. I started counting sheep in my head trying not to think about anything sexual. I was extremely embarrassed about exposing myself to a doctor, as the only person that had ever seen me nude was Venice, but I guess you can say I have this thing for Asian women. Doctor or no doctor, I said a small prayer asking the Lord to please help me control my penis so it does not make any sudden movements. I pulled my pants down and watched the doctor eyeball my penis and testicles. She fondled me for a few moments and couldn’t find the lump. I asked if I could show her where, and she nodded. I put my finger on the area of the lump and she placed her hand where I was pointing. She confirmed she also felt a lump and asked me to lay down. I still had my pants halfway down to my knees and wobbled my way to the patient table. I looked over to Venice, who was making her tongue poke out the side of her cheek inside her mouth, to suggest a blow job, and gave her a dirty look. As I laid there naked, exposed to the doctor who was fondling my balls, with my girlfriend watching, I wanted to disappear from earth. I hated every second of it. I really felt even more stupid when I found out there was nothing wrong with my testicles and it was merely a bent vein in my sac that hardens (when my testicles are not fully sagging) when I stand up.
Years later Venice teases me about this situation and calls it our first threesome.
The other day, Ryan (Mahal) and I were looking through his box of memories. It was filled pictures of me through various stages of my life, movie stubs, receipts from local movie rental stores, postage from care packages, candy wrappers, and letters I’d written to him while he was away at college. Sometimes on a roll of cash register paper that he’d have to unfurl to read, sometimes on cardboard packaging, and sometimes on college ruled paper. We spent most of that night looking at his memories. He cried a few times as he remembered how in love we were, and still are. It’s like we blinked and we went from being giddy teenagers without a care in the world to being married, raising our young, and spending our days together doing yard work and taking vacations and caring for each other.
If you have not had a blowjob for a bunch of years, don’t give up all hope.
Ryan and I went out to eat last night at our local wings bar. As we made our way home, we saw a huge, gray mass in the sky hovering near our house. Flashes of lightning lit up the sky as we pulled up into the driveway. The wind picked up when we got into the house and I feared one of the pine trees in the backyard would surely topple over. Thunder shook the house; I thought Ryan was hitting the wall from behind the closet door. It felt was that close. As I put some french fries in the oven for everyone to eat with the hamburgers I made the night before, the lights flickered for a split second. But I wasn’t worried because this is very normal and very expected during a storm.
So I began moving my arms and legs. My mind started to feed on itself. “Is that a light out there? Or is that lightning? Is someone out there with a flashlight? Are they going to break in and kill us like in ‘The Strangers’ with Liv Tyler? How fast can I get in the house, grab my phone so I can call 911, gather my kids into Ryan’s closet while he gets the gun loaded? It’s the light again! That’s not lightning! What if my legs are too wobbly to make it out of the garage? What if I trip over the bottle water? There’s the light again! Can they hear my elliptical machine from out there? Should I tell Ryan? I don’t want to die without pants on! There goes the light ag–WHO THE FUCK IS OUT THERE?!?!”
After work yesterday, Ryan and I went to the mall to look for a birthday present for his sister. “I think she needs a new wallet,” I told him. So we entered through Sears because it was the quickest way to get to Old Navy.