A Real Couple Blogging About Sex, Life, and Everything In Between +

November 14, 2013

Random Moments With Us – Kermit the Frog

Life & Random Moments , , , , , , 1 Comment

kermitthefrogOne day I came home late from work.  This was when Venice and I had our first apartment and neither of us owned a cell phone.  I didn’t call or anything, but when I got home I saw Venice’s shoes thrown in random places in the living room.  I also noticed that she had a pair of work pants on the floor and a pair of panties on the arm of the couch.  Not really understanding what was going on, I walked over to our bedroom door and on the door knob was her bra.  I also heard her in the room moaning.  I immediately jerked the door open and ran over to the bed.  As soon as I grabbed the covers Venice popped up from underneath them and looked back at me surprised and said, “Ryan?!”  She then took her hand and made her life sized Kermit the Frog stuffed animal doll appear from underneath the covers as well.  She made him turn and look at me, and with her best Kermit the Frog voice, “Ryan?!”  Of course at that point she started laughing hysterically.

She got me.

To this day if she sees Kermit on television or in a photo she will smile, teasingly bite her fingernail, look at me, and Bambi blink.

What happen to the Kermit doll?  Well, I tied his arms behind his back without rope.  Basically I took his little skinny stuffed arms and tied them in a knot.  Then I sat him there on the couch while I made him watch me jack off over his Miss Piggy doll. When I was done I grabbed him by his green neck and rubbed his face in it and said to him, “Look at me, I DID THIS TOO YOU.”  Then I chopped off both of his green hands and threw the rest of him in a black plastic bag.  I then took the bag to Goodwill so all the other stuffed animals could see what happens when one of them gets brave and messes with my girl.

I kept the hands and made a necklace out of them.

Ok, I didn’t do any of that.  Venice wouldn’t let me.  To this day, 15 years later, we still have that fucking Kermit.  I did put him in the attic though and I hope he is uncomfortable!

November 14, 2013

Threesome Memoirs: Pat the Squirter

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Threesome Memoirs: Table of Contents

pat the squirterI will be totally honest with you, I have no idea if this next prospect was a man or woman.   For future references, I will just call it, Pat the Squirter.

Now, me calling Pat the Squirter a prospect is extremely misleading.  It was never a prospect.  It was actually one of the first persons I communicated with about the possibility of a threesome, and it never went beyond talking through a website, email messages, and yahoo messenger.  I met this person, supposedly a single woman, on the swinging website I have mentioned multiple times in the past, swinglifestyle.com.  Since it’s against that website’s TOS (Terms Of Service) to talk about different members of that website openly, I will not mention any real specifics.

Pat the Squirter was interesting indeed.  She originally contacted me with pictures attached of her (or someone’s) vagina spread wide open and the sheets soaking wet.  Within her first or second sentence of introducing herself, she asked, “You aren’t turned off by women who squirt right?  Because I squirt all over.  I can’t control it.”

She went on to talk about all the different locations she liked to meet up with couples in our city and all her favorite hotels.  She’d talk about certain hotels where she had probably squirted on every comforter blanket in each room (Hampton Inn — stay away).  She was proud of that.   With each picture she sent she got nastier and more graphic.  The bodies of the women seemed a bit different with every picture set, but I just assumed she was getting older or some of the pictures were from years ago.  I also assumed, some women in this lifestyle live in their past or have pictures they love from years ago.  Eventually she asked for some of my pictures and I replied,  “I will need to call you for phone verification first.”

She then went into multiple reasons why should could never text or talk on the phone.  Reason 1: She was in the process of a messy divorce and she would lose everything if she had random numbers on her phone records.  Reason 2: She was from a rich family that is very known in the city we are from, and if word got out her family would disown her.  She needed to make sure we didn’t know each other in real life before she spoke on the phone with me.  Reason 3: She has moved out of her home and the lady she cares for monitors her very closely and gets annoyed by phone calls of any kind. Reason 4: She no longer has a phone and was going to pick up a cheap one when she got a chance.

Now, what exactly could she do?  Well, apparently she could be on yahoo messenger and email 24 hours a day because once I gave out my information, she wouldn’t leave me alone.  She claims she was being  monitored closely, but she could sit at her computer all day and nothing could be traced (yea right).  Truthfully, I set up my first yahoo messenger account just to talk with Pat the Squirter, because that is what she insisted on.  I had one friend on yahoo messenger, her.  After a few weeks of talking on y! messenger and hearing each of the different reasons why she couldn’t phone verify, I got tired of dealing with her.  Unfortunately, she didn’t get tired of me.

She’s probably the first person I had to literally email block.  Why?  Because she was completely bat shit crazy and would not stop sending me messages.  After I blocked her emails and y! messages, maybe a month or so later, I got a random message on yahoo from “hungandhandsom384039”, or some weird variation.  Like with Pat the Squirter, this person would message me over and over for days, with no response.  I had my notifications turned off, so when I finally did see all the missed messages, it didn’t take much for me to figure out the only other person on earth with my  yahoo messenger name was, Pat the Squirter.  Therefore, one could conclude that this new person, with a man’s name, was Pat.  Did I ever ask?  No.  I blocked the other name as well and uninstalled yahoo messenger.

I eventually got to know a few other couples and singles off the same swinging website, and low and behold, each of them had the same exact story.  Of course, Pat’s name changed per which personality she decided she was going to be, her story changed, her city changed, but the fact she was a squirter was pretty consistent.  Her not talking to any of them on the phone was pretty consistent too.  If I would bring up her account name to a few new friends, the first thing I would hear was, “Oh my god, don’t talk with her, she is crazy as hell.”

Was Pat the Squirter totally down to have a threesome?  Yes.  Was she totally down to do everything we wanted within our limits?  Sure!  Although she did tell me at one point, “All women say they want their men to have a limited role but as soon as I am ass up and naked in the hotel room, most women end up watching their husbands plow into me with their hard cocks, fuck me like a rabbit, and bury their balls in me as they try to cum as deep in my stomach as they can.”

I laughed, I blocked, and I learned one of my first lessons in opening up my bedroom to a possible stranger. Phone verification, phone verification, phone verification.

Pat, Bella (Bill), Carla (Carl), Donna (Don), whatever your name is…  get help.

November 13, 2013

How To Have A Threesome, even with your wife or girlfriend!

Threesome Memoirs , , , , 2 Comments

threesome 1

How to have a threesome!  26,000 people recommended this on Facebook?  This website has been recommended by the E! channel?  The same channel that gives us Talk Soup and The Anna Nicole Show?!?  That can’t be!  And I thought E! actually had standards.  I will never trust their TMZ updates again!

Anyway, I was checking out different Google keywords and I saw this infomercial website.   For $47, no, $27, you can unlock the secrets to having a threesome.  There are secrets? I guess this was something that every drunk college frat boy and everyone on “Girls Gone Wild” are only privy to.  And to answer your next question, yes, you can even have a threesome with your wife or girlfriend involved!  I know it’s tempting, in fact, I feel bad for even blogging this because one of our foreign readers is going to actually think I am suggesting they really purchase this.

Chinese follower, Google translate this please:  I WAS BEING SARCASTIC.  DO NOT PURCHASE THIS PRODUCT.

Product review:  “Omg!  This is amazing how  well this works!  I didn’t even have to use  chloroform, roofies, ropes, or prostitutes either!  $27 only?  I’d pay 27 million for this type of information!”

how to have a threesome

 

 

November 13, 2013

Threesome Memoirs: Crazy Men

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Threesome Memoirs: Table of Contents

crazy menLet’s face it, most men are overly possessive and hyper sexual.  I say that knowing that the majority of my readers are men.  I also say that knowing my best friend, lover, and soulmate, is a man, and yes, he is also overly possessive and hyper sexual.  For me, it’s a good fit.  I can keep up with him sexually and the possessiveness makes me feel safe and secure.  If he weren’t as possessive, I would feel unwanted.  If he weren’t as sexual, I would feel unsexy and undesired.  Like I said, for me, it works.  For some women?  It absolutely does NOT work.

Why am I making these broad generalizations about men in my Threesome Memoirs?  You could guess that this is the section where I break down the different issues I am having with Ryan and him being too possessive, which for me, makes me uncomfortable meeting new people.   You’d guess wrong.  This is the section where I realize that the Internet and my local area are filled with men who literally want to save me from the wrath of my bad husband, my bad decisions, and my wanting a threesome.  Yes, men I do not know want to save me from all my bad choices I’ve made up until this point.  Does that make sense?

The Bluetooth Truth Whisperer:
Listen sweetie, I understand you are confused.  I get it.  I’ve learned that most women on dating sites searching for threesomes or another partner of the same sex, really just aren’t happy at home and disguise their needs behind any drastic change.  You’re bisexual because it’s the safest way for you to step out of your relationship.  Trust me, I get you.  Don’t suffer with him any longer sweetheart, you’re too beautiful to be unhappy.  Sincerly yours, your next man.”

Sometimes the truth is just too hard to face and The Bluetooth Truth Whisperer just hit me in the face with a pound of knowledge.  I had a few decisions to make in my response.  I could either say (option A) “Thanks for your input, I will take into consideration what you said before I move forward with the different decisions I am making in my current relationship.”   I could say, (option B) “I’m a big girl, I think I got this.  As you are learning about the different female personalities on dating websites have you learned anything about yourself?  What exactly do you hope to accomplish, as a man, browsing dating websites talking to different women who are looking for threesomes or bisexual experiences with other women?”  Or I could say, (option C) nothing and totally ignore his original message.  Option C is soooo boring and doesn’t sound like much fun.  I went with option A for now, because I have a weird feeling that I can easily follow up with option B in a later correspondence.  Plus option A makes for a juicer blog because I’m saving each message for our readers.

bluetoothThe Bluetooth Truth Whisperer:
I’m glad you can appreciate sound advice when you see it, sweetie.  Listen, if I were your man you would never have to worry about needing another woman or a threesome.  In fact, I find it disrespectful that a man would even suggest or be okay with having a threesome in the first place.  One woman is more than enough, especially when a man can appreciate everything he can do with one, like I do.  A woman needs to be cherrished and taken care of.  I can tell you are totally unhappy, but don’t think this is your fault.  It’s not.  You’re gorgeous and something tells me we have a lot more in common than you think.  Here is my personal email *******.******@gmail.com.   Also, here’s a picture of me as well.”

That is not the picture he sent, but it is extremely close.

So, if you are following along, I have now gone from exploring the option of meeting another woman and possibly having a threesome with my husband, to outright cheating with a black man that proudly wears a bluetooth in public.  Well, this definitely wasn’t in my plans, but I think the Bluetooth Truth Whisperer has different ideas.  Of course, I show Ryan the messages and picture.  He laughs and suggests I email him personally to see his next move.  Ryan’s reasoning, “This guy has all the moves you read about in those movies and shit.  You know, the ones where in the end he has your mouth sewn to another woman’s ass and is calling you a Human Centipede?  Maybe we can save a life by investigating further.”   I agree.

So I emailed him from a joint account I share with Ryan, “That’s a cool photo.  You know what they say about guys who wear bluetooths in public right?  Anyway, thanks for your messages, I have talked to my husband and we both agree that I’d rather keep pursuing a woman than email back and forth with a stranger about how my current relationship leaves me unhappy.  Thanks for your input though.”

The Bluetooth Truth Whisperer:
Why would you talk to your husband?  He is the one that left you unhappy in the first place.   Sweetheart, you still have so much more to learn.  A beautiful girl like you can be manipulated pretty easily so try to stay focused.  I know you are smart or else you wouldn’t have written me back to begin with.  Seriously, think about my first message to you, ok?  You are searching for something more and it isn’t a woman or a threesome.  Maybe you should call me and we can discuss this?  (***) ***-****.  Or at the least, text me so we can talk more direct.”

Ryan actually caught this email before me, as we both have access to the same account.  He sent me a text message and explained that the guy actually had his real name saved in his preferences, so when he wrote back it shows his actual name.  After a quick google search, I had his facebook account.  Sure enough, it was The Bluetooth Truth Whisperer.   The one thing he was definitely telling the truth about, we had a lot more in common than I thought.  He was married with kids.

Oh Facebook and Google, you cock blocking bastards.

So, I wrote back one final time, “Hey ******, the pictures of your wife and kids on your Facebook page look nice.  I’m sure your wife appreciates you browsing dating websites helping and counseling unhappy women such as myself.  Maybe I should contact her and thank her for having such a loving and giving husband.  Also, my sound advice to you?  Do not take selfies with a bluetooth in your ear.  Sincerly yours, your next fail.”

The Bluetooth Truth Whisperer:
For one, that’s not me in the picture.  Do you really think I am that dumb to use my real name or photo?   You will be harassing the wrong person.  Please leave me alone because I have zero tolerance for ignorance and stupid people.”

And that was the end of my correspondence with the Bluetooth Truth Whisperer.

You know, when I started writing today I had a few other men in mind I wanted to mention, but I just realized, this is plenty.  This was not the last time this technique was used, but the approach varies.  From helpful to angry, from hateful to anything just to get you to respond.  Once you respond, the guy will either send a cock photo or a selfie.  I am unsure if the cock photo is more of a way for them to get self gratification?  Like, “Fuckin’ A, she just saw my gosh damn cock and had no choice!  Fuck yea!”  Or men think that just by showing a woman his cock, just once, we will totally be brainwashed to want them forever.

Wrong.

November 12, 2013

Threesome Memoirs: Angry Lesbians and Studs

Threesome Memoirs , , , , 4 Comments

Threesome Memoirs: Table of Contents

First off, every picture in my profile is mine and real.

A little about me?  I’m friendly and a great listener.   I’d be just as happy making a new bisexual female friend as I would finding a partner for a threesome.  I think simple flirting can be fun and sexy.  I am married, bisexual, and not looking to hook up with another woman for a lesbian relationship / experience.  To clarify, I am bisexual, not lesbian, and I’m only looking for bisexual experiences, not lesbian.  I am not comfortable meeting or hooking up without my husband, but his role can be limited so everyone is comfortable. If you prefer to just chat, e-mail, or text, you will only talk with me, the lady. Before exchanging more photos, I’d prefer to talk on the phone to make sure I know who I am texting or emailing.  After phone verification, we do not have to talk again until both parties agree.

If anyone is interested, please send a message. I am not interested in couples, men, or studs. Serious ladies only please.

The last thing I ever expected when listing my threesome ad on a dating website was that I would piss off a bunch of angry lesbians and studs.  What’s a stud?  A stud is a lesbian woman that acts and dresses like a man.   Being that some of them look so much like men, unless an actual man was gay and attracted to girls that look like men, a stud usually only hooks up with ladies.  The ultimate lesbians.  I am unsure if studs hook up with other studs, but they do run in packs and I am sure they “run trains” on other more feminine females.  You know, like men do.  I’d say most of the emails below came from local studs, but  I could be wrong.

I write this with a smile on my face as I really do not want to upset an entire community, but I just didn’t expect the backlash I would get from not wanting to hook up with another woman alone.

“How are you going to dangle your dirty Asian pussy in our faces and say you are bisexual but you do not want to hook up with a woman alone?  You have some fucking nerve bitch.  How about you let the real bitches hook up with the horny housewives and you just sit at home and kick cans.”

I didn’t respond to this message because quite frankly, it scared me.  I mean, usually I try to respond to everyone and be as friendly as possible, but I think the fact I existed pissed off this lady.

 “I hope you washed that bench after you were done sitting on it, you Mexican skank.  You couldn’t handle a bitch like me  alone anyway.  So yea, stay behind your hubby for protection.”

This may actually be the same person as the first message, but since I ignored it, she decided to write again on a seperate email.   I have no idea, but this time I replied.  “Don’t worry, I washed the bench with your mother’s tongue.”  Like I said, I try to be friendly as possible.  I wanted this person to know that I care about the environment and I would never leave a bench dirty with my skank juice.   I even let her know her own mom helped me save the planet.

“Yo shawty, I garuntee ya dude cant beat it up like me.  You evr been with a stud?  Aint no cock but Ill leave you walkin funny fa realz.  Fuck ya man, all you need is me shawty.  Holla at me.”

I didn’t reply to this one either, because I’ve seen “Locked Up” and know how these gangster stud women turn out girls like myself.  Not that I plan on robbing a bank one day or anything, but just in case I do end up locked up, I don’t want to run into this girl.  Seriously, you can never be too careful.  What if like I were to walk out of Wal-Mart and my receipt didn’t match the items in my bag?  The cops would come and take me to the slammer.  “10 4 Roger Roger, we have a brown woman here stealing things from Wal-Mart.   Roger 10 4, 25 to life and toss the key.”  Next thing I know I am getting a full body cavity search and having a broom stick shoved up my vagina.  No, thank you!

Sweetie, maybe you and your husband should go find a prostitute.  I’m not trying to be rude, but no real woman would want to stick their mouth on your filthy brown slit.  I’m just going to give you this advice, you take it how you want.  Make up your mind.  Either you want women or you want cock.  Stop being a greedy little bitch and pick your preference.  Ugh.  Also, good luck finding your whore, because only nasty bitches play with couples.

“Thank you for your helpful advice.  I do not take anything you’ve said to me as rude at all.  Let’s just cut to the chase, how much would you charge to fuck a fairly attractive couple?”  Although I felt this was a friendly response, I can only assume that she was totally upset at me in her response to my reply (which seemed more like a terrorist threat) because I wrongly assumed she was a hooker.   I think if I show up to the next local gay parade, I may not make it home that night.  Seriously.  I’m not making any local friends at all.

To explain some of the messages, I am in the United States, specifically the South.  Also, I am Asian.  Unfortunately, as behind as this seems, there aren’t a lot of brown girls here.  At least where I am from, you are either black or white.  It seems that a lot of ignorant folks called my vagina disgusting simply because it was brown.  Ha!  Sorry, I seriously laughed when I typed that.  It also seems being bisexual in general just pisses off some people.  There isn’t much I can do about other people’s perspectives. I just need to be careful.

If you think the Lesbian or Studs e-mails are bad, wait until you see a few of these men’s emails.