Q&A: My Wife of 13 Years Just Told Me She Has Been Faking Orgasms

My wife of 13 years just told me she has been faking orgasms. We’ve had what I thought was a good sex life but she just dropped the bomb that she can’t actually orgasm from penetrative sex and that she’s faked it all along.

13 years, we’ve done it hundreds of times and it was fake. Every single time.

I was stunned and am feeling deeply hurt, but from her point of view she feels like it was an overreaction. What should I do? Am I wrong to feel let down?

Venice’s response: 
Faking orgasms was something I could never do.  I don’t know if it was because I was stubborn or I just felt awkward |”pretending” to cum. Because of that, I disappointed Ryan so much in the beginning of our relationship.  Sex always felt great, but without extra stimulation or oral sex, pure penetration just couldn’t get me off.  In hindsight, knowing Ryan, maybe I should have “faked it till I made it,” because eventually it happened.  As much as I wouldn’t put on a show for Ryan and he couldn’t make me orgasm through penetration alone, I also provided nothing exciting for his mind sexually.  I was just laying there, unable to cum, eyes closed trying to concentrate on my orgasm.  My honesty made me fuck like a pillow queen. Truthfully, the theatrics behind an orgasm is much like moaning or screaming for a man, even if his penis is small.  Or telling a man with a smaller penis how big it feels inside you.  How good it feels stretching your walls.  Why is that bad to make sex better for him?  Obvious I understand it’s dishonest, which is why I had so much trouble with it, but it’s dishonest in a way that she just wants you to feel good about yourself.  She is being dishonest the same way a mother tell her ugly child that he is beautiful.  It may not be true, but a woman is naturally nurturing and likes to make sure her man feels good about himself.

Oh god, that was an awful analogy.  Sorry.

The point is, she was dishonest and I understand why you are hurt.  There is nothing you can do it about it now.  She may just not be able to ever orgasm through penetration, so hopefully you have been also taking care of her other ways:  oral, toys, fingers, or letting her play with herself to find out what she “really” likes.  If you felt your penis was the only thing giving her pleasure for 13 years and just found out that not only has she been faking it, but you also depended on just sex to get her off, take it as a learning experience.  Women need more.  I’d suggest going to a toy shop together, or going online, and finding a vibrating wand and see where that leads you.  

Ryan’s response: 
There are a lot of things you will have to deal with.  Firstly, trust.  If she can lie to you for years about that, what else has she lied about?  I understand your frustration and this is something you will have to work out with her.  If you love her, you guys should be fine.  Personally, I don’t see a woman faking an orgasm as a bad thing.  This might be because for years I had to deal with the exact opposite, but I will list off a few reasons why a woman may be faking her orgasms:

She loves you and wants her man to feel like the greatest man on earth.  That’s a woman’s nature.  Part of that idea means that she wants you to feel like you were perfect in bed.  Perfect means, you made her cum too.

She is insecure and scared that if you find out you aren’t making her cum, you will think something is wrong with her.  Maybe you won’t love her as much as your previous girlfriend that you made cum multiple times per night. A lot of women are really insecure about the inability to orgasm through pure penetration, although it’s much more common than most people think.  Unfortunately, once she fakes it once, it’s kind of hard to just stop faking it.  Usually when they stop faking it, it’s because they stop caring.  Hopefully in your case, it is because she wanted to come clean and maybe possibly relearn sex with you, so you both can enjoy it together.

Sex by nature conditions us to believe that we should end sex with a “happy ending.”  Most men do not stop sex until they orgasm.  Well, when you are on top of your wife she may feel awkward just staring at the ceiling like she is reading and issue of Cosmopolitan.  

The theatrics of having an orgasm makes sex fun and exciting.  Much like dirty talk or moaning.  As men, I can have sex and be completely quiet.  In fact, when I first had sex I didn’t make a sound.  Venice made it clear to me that she wants to hear me, so with a little bit of an open mind, theatrics, and just letting go of my inhibition, I moan and talk dirty to make her enjoy sex too.  That works both ways.

She may be faking orgasms to control your orgasms.  Personally, if Venice says she is going to cum, my prostate instantly fills up with semen and I have to strain to keep myself from orgasming as she enjoys hers.  However, she can tell when my body is getting ready, she knows when anything can set me off.  If she wanted, she could let me know she enjoyed her time with me and use her body language to help me finish sooner than I would have otherwise.  Maybe she is tired, maybe she is sore, maybe she doesn’t want you to keep going after you are done.  A lot of times women can be satisfied, satisfying you.  For years Venice couldn’t orgasm through sex and she would look up at me and let me know, “I love you, it feels great, but it just isn’t going to happen.”  As much as men want the truth, there were times I wished she would fake it because I felt maybe I deserved it.  Did I do everything right?  Did I go long enough?  I remember going for hours, my penis hurting, sweaty, and asking her what she wanted me to do, because I would have done anything to please her.  These days, knowing she can orgasm through sex, which took almost 12 years together, if she actually decided to fake it at times, I wouldn’t mind  or feel betrayed.  I feel like her intentions are good and she wants me to feel good about our sex.  She knows I care her needs, she knows I try, and she knows I don’t neglect her body, so why ruin the moment?

If your relationship is happy and you both are in a good space, I feel like her faking it was because she was protecting your ego.  She may have also been protecting herself from being judged as “flawed” as well.  Either way, once she started faking, she knew that when she stopped, she would have to let you know the truth.  Her lie lasted 13 years.  Hopefully you can work through that and find a positive resolution.  

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Deepthroating: My Experience Learning To Deepthroat w/ Video

The original video we uploaded to our xhamster actual account was deleted years ago. I hated how I looked, my weight, etc. However, the internet never forgets. We reuploaded the file for the blog.  Although not the most complimenting version of me, it is actually a few days after I learned to deepthroat.  Blog and video originally shared on ( November 9, 2012)  

I didn’t know or understand what deepthroating was the first time I heard about it.  I thought it was simply taking a dick into your mouth as far as you could, or rather, as far as your body would allow.  My husband would tell me to deepthroat him, so I’d press his dick down as hard as I can in the  back of my mouth for a few seconds and gag.  I thought if you gagged it was deepthroating.  I was happy that I could let him feel the back of my throat and show him I could gag for him.   He was happy to feel the back of my throat, and truthfully, he took pride in his dick making me gag.  Ladies, it really isn’t a necessity to learn to deepthroat, because the truth is, some men prefer to feel superior.  It’s an ego thing, and men want to conquer us in every way.  However, to deepthroat a man is conquering him.  It’s empowering.  Watching a man’s face when you make his pride and joy disappear before his very eyes and leave him with what looks like  you eating his vagina, is emasculating. But, these men, who get deepthroated, learn to pride themselves in their woman’s ability.  Their pride is transferred onto their partner being able to do what no other women could.  And, it takes a real man to realize that he met his match.   But there is much more to it. Deepthroating has become one of the most sought-after talents that I never knew I wanted to learn.

Upon researching forums asking “Can your girl deepthroat?” I’ve heard of men (and even women) calling deepthroaters “slutty” or “whores,” but these are probably men whose women are close-minded, prude, or just can’t suck their dicks right; on the other hand, a sex forum surveyed its users (please keep in mind, this is a very highly sexual group surveyed) and 1 girlfriend out of 10 in these men’s past, had this skill.   Out of their current relationships, it averaged about 9 out of the 100 men had current spouses or girlfriends who had this skill. Interesting stats, not sure how true it holds up if surveyed at a political forum or otherwise.  If this statistic were accurate, I wanted so bad to be that <10% of the talented few who could please her man.

Learning to deepthroat was a challenge for me, albeit a fun challenge.  Even before I started, my mind was ready to do it.  I just knew that I would be able to deepthroat so easily.  I knew that I would learn it quick and master it in a few minutes.  I couldn’t have been more wrong.

For my first attempt, my husband, Ryan, was laying down while I was between his legs.  Even though my mind was open and willing, my body just wasn’t on the same page.  I did a little of my normal dick sucking, stroking while only going about two inches down.  It would only be a matter of time before I go “all the way down.”  I didn’t warm myself up.  I let his head go over the area where my hard palate ended, but as soon as I did, my body went into self-preservation mode, closed up my throat, and gagged his dick out.  I didn’t realize it at the time, but thinking back, that’s exactly what happened: my throat blocked off his cock as soon as I felt like I was in “danger.”  Even with me closing off my throat, I kept trying to force his dick down, and in doing so I was hurting my throat.  I was mentally accepting to the idea of deepthroating, but I wasn’t physically accepting…yet.  Needless to say, I failed that day.  I was disappointed, but since it was only my first attempt I would chalk it up as part of the learning process.

The next day I tried a different position.  Instead of being between his legs I would be on his left side.  I hoped that the contour of his dick would work better with the angle of my throat.  In theory, this position should have worked easily.  In theory.  I started off slow, licking and sucking seductively.  It was the only thing I knew.  But like the day before, I panicked, closed off the entrance to my throat, and gag reflex kicked in again and again.  I didn’t throw up, but a little bit of stomach acid crept up my throat.  As soon as I felt this, I hastily pushed it down toward the entrance yet again.  Imagine gargling mouthwash and how you block off your throat to keep from swallowing it – the area in your mouth that the mouthwash touches is the only area his dick touched, i.e. not down my throat.  I should have learned from the previous day’s attempt that it won’t work when you’re doing it in frustration.  At this point I didn’t realize that your mind and body have to be in sync to accomplish something.

I decided to stop for a day and reassess my strategies.  What was I doing wrong?  Is my throat too small?  Is his dick too long?  Too hard?  Am I a slow learner or am I just not destined to learn this?

So the next day I wanted to try it by 69ing with me on top.  I was determined to keep looking until I found a way to get this right.  I started off how I usually do: sucking and licking, getting myself warmed up, as well as my husband.  Then I let his dick head rub my hard palate, coaxing and getting myself used to it being back so far.  My throat skin was not used to having something rub against it.  I gagged, but I pushed myself to keep going, then pulled his dick out.  I worked his head to the same spot and I gagged again.  I tried a third time, but then I started coughing and gagging.  Once I get the tickle feeling in my throat it just worsened until finally I have to stop.  Which is exactly what happened.

 

After a few weeks of trying, I was finally a little more successful.  Ryan was my male cheerleader: “That’s it…keep going a little lower…oh! Almost got it!”  His talking was making me nervous and throwing me off so I told him to be quiet and just let me work.  I closed my eyes, relaxed my throat muscles and my jaw bone, and let his dick head slowly creep onto my soft palate.  That wasn’t too bad, I thought to myself.  I pulled back and sucked and licked a bit.  After about a minute I was ready to try again.  His head glided over my soft palate again, this time getting very close to my tonsils.  I let it linger over the soft palate before finally popping it toward my uvula (the little flap of skin that hangs down that looks like a boxing speed bag) and for the first time, dipping down into my throat.  As I felt his dick hitting the back of my throat, then curve down and slide deeper into my esophagus, my husband asks, “Did you do it?  Did it go down your throat?”  Upset that he couldn’t tell, I pull up off his dick and ask, “What do you think?!”  What did I expect?  He’d never felt his dick deepthroated and I had never deepthroated.  I was so excited that I finally did it!  It happened so fast!  Once you get passed the threshold where your throat wants to reject his dick, you just have to push it back.  Like pulling a Band-Aid…you have to do it fast or you’ll feel fear and dread the entire time.

One of my biggest concerns was choking and coughing and not being able to pull his dick out in time so I end up biting down on him (which has never happened).  Feeling a cock in your throat is kind of like feeling of suspending the food in your throat.  Try it yourself.  Eat a piece of bread and swallow, but try to keep it from going down your throat.  You can’t.  Why?  Your throat muscles automatically push food down to keep your windpipe clear and allow air to pass in and out.  If you could keep food in your throat and go against your body’s reaction to keeping your throat clear, that is the feeling of deepthroating, which may be why a reason why it’s such difficult skill to learn.

During this session, I deepthroated a few times, trying to get my accustomed to this new accomplishment.  It wasn’t anything as impressive as what I do now as far as techniques.  I didn’t push my face all the down into his crotch, I didn’t do the “washing machine” technique, or any of the others that I can do now, but as they say, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Once I realized 69ing was the best platform to get accustomed with deepthroating, I knew I had to try that position again.  It was my best chance.  By now I’d been practicing for a few days and despite not learning to deepthroat as fast as I’d hoped, I was still determined.  I mounted my man and stuffed my mouth with his cock.  I felt my mouth getting fuller and fuller as it expanded.  I waited until he was at 80% fully erect.  I lathered up his cock with my spit and lowered my mouth down.  My confidence had been building since I believed I had already deepthroated several days before this moment.  It was muscle memory of sorts.  Was I able to do it this day?  Yes!  I felt his head pop past the soft flesh in the back of my mouth and down into my throat.  I pulled him out, and did it again. And again. And again. My husband had no doubt that this was deepthroating.  True deepthroating.  I bobbed my head faster, easier.  Not necessarily further down.  But I was doing it!  I felt Ryan stop sucking my clit as he wanted to enjoy every second his dick plunged into a place no dick has ever been.  Ryan didn’t cum; he could cum any time he wanted.  It wasn’t everyday he would feel his wife finally learn to deepthroat for the first time.

 

 

Continued: Deepthroating A Dildo The Size of My Forearm

 Originally posted on Nov 9, 2012.

Prone Masturbation – The Embarrassing Truth

gandy6It is estimated that 90 percent of males regularly masturbate by using their hand(s), which is considered normal.  About 5-10 percent masturbate in what is called, a prone masturbation position.   This is a technique learned by young boys where you lay face down and dry hump either your hand, a pillow, a rolled up towel or sheet, or even a stuffed animal (Sorry Ted).  Now, the term “rolled up towel” may be a bit misleading, because some people may think that they actually insert their penis inside the hole and try to mock a vagina sensation.  This is not what I mean. The towel is rolled up to create a solid object, so the man can lay on top of it and grind / dry hump it.  Most men that masturbate prone, actually prefer not to have an erection. Prone masturbation with an erection is extremely painful and crushes the erect penis (and engorged urethra) between the object and your own pubic bone, and pushes the base of the shaft into the prostate area.  How do I know all this?  Because this is the only way I masturbated until I met Venice.

tumblr_nlhxr3eS9E1u58ccdo1_250To clarify, this is not something guys do to pretend they are having sex, this is how they masturbate exclusively.   Like a man stroking himself thinks about how the hand has the same sensations as the mouth or a tight vagina, a man masturbating prone is dry humping, using his body to create friction rather than his hand.  I’ve never masturbated prone and actually thought I was having sex with a towel.  It was just a way to get off, except being able to balance on my elbows, move my hips, and relax much more than when a man jacks off.  Some men have masturbated prone for over 20 years and cannot orgasm in the traditional “stroking” fashion. I also couldn’t orgasm through stroking, and to be totally honest, jacking off just didn’t feel good to me at all.

Continue Reading Prone Masturbation – The Embarrassing Truth

3 Years of Anonymous Vagina Submissions From All Over The World (Part 3)

3 Years of Anonymous Vagina From Around The World 

You are normal. Your vagina is normal.  And your vagina doesn’t show how many men you have had sex with or how many babies you have or haven’t had.  No matter what your age, number of sex partners, or the the amount of children you have had, your vulva can be small, large, thick, or thin.  And guess what?  Every variation is beautiful.

Below are self submissions of women from all over the world that have decided to share their vulva / vaginas, to raise awareness that all women are not alike.  Empowerment in showing other women that there is nothing wrong with the way their vaginas look.  This is 3 years of  anonymous submissions, along with commentary from the woman who submitted the pictures.

 

Self Submission:

Age 33

I’m 33 years old. Never been pregnant/given birth (this seems like relevant info we should be adding). I don’t care what anyone thinks about my genitals anymore, except for my husband. Sometimes I shave, sometimes I trim. Trimmed this week.

 

Next Self Submission:

Age 20

Sorry about the lighting! I shaved a bit (around my butt and perineum and a bit around the edges, a couple days ago I think), and I trimmed a bit. I kinda like my lady parts.

 

Continue Reading 3 Years of Anonymous Vagina Submissions From All Over The World (Part 3)

3 Years of Anonymous Vagina Submissions From All Over The World (Part 2)

3 Years of Anonymous Vagina Submissions From All Over The World (Part 2)

You are normal. Your vagina is normal.  And your vagina doesn’t show how many men you have had sex with or how many babies you have or haven’t had.  No matter what your age, number of sex partners, or the the amount of children you have had, your vulva can be small, large, thick, or thin.  And guess what?  Every variation is beautiful.

Below are self submissions of women from all over the world that have decided to share their vulva / vaginas, to raise awareness that all women are not alike.  Empowerment in showing other women that there is nothing wrong with the way their vaginas look.  This is 3 years of  anonymous submissions, along with commentary from the woman who submitted the pictures.

 

Self Submission:

Age 25

Body image: AWFUL. I am pretty overweight and I hate my body. I think my vulva and breasts are actually some of my best features; unfortunately not many people get to know that!

 

Next Self Submission:

Age 23

So here I am, a woman with her vulva. I have a very normal body and I love what it allows me to do and feel. At various points in my life, I’ve worried about how parts of it look (primarily to men). Being small chested has bothered me at times; I felt I had a boyish rather than womanly figure. I still struggle with moderate acne, which really impacts my confidence. I could go on with other insecurities, but why bother. I am slowly, slowly realizing what an incredible gift it is to reside in this normal body; honoring that by being body positive for myself and others is a work in progress, and some days are better than others.

A handful of years ago, I suddenly became aware that women with vulvas that look like mine have been going under the knife to trim them down. I am as vulnerable to insecurities as the next girl, but somehow I managed to discard this one. I just can’t dislike my labia. They are too personal, too much a part of me, and it is entirely my choice who gets to see them and consider their aesthetic value…which I guess today is everyone.

Sorry for being wordy.

 

Next Self Submission:

Age 21

I have actually never seen my vulva before… never bothered to look, I guess. Now that I have, I don’t really care for it. Also, the stubble looks really weird from this point of view. I need to shave… haha.

 

Continue Reading 3 Years of Anonymous Vagina Submissions From All Over The World (Part 2)